Cagaste y saltaste en la caca.
Much to the chagrin of certain presumptive presidential nominees, a whole lot of people in the United States speak Spanish. Speak Americanese and build the wall, amirite? Ugh. There are currently more than 41 million native Spanish speakers and about 11 million bilingual speakers in the United States. It is with that knowledge that I say “Y tu mama tambien!” Hey, if it’s good enough for Asesino, it’s good enough for me. I would also like to say “Welcome to Shirt Stains” to various Spanish speaking metal bands. You can keep these if we get more luchadores.
Especimen are a hardcore punk band from Tijuana, Mexico. For some reason, I keep thinking their name is Esemen. Maybe it’s because their logo is extra sploogey looking. Maybe they were inspired by Tijuana’s infamous donkey shows. The band sure does love singing about Satan, who is prominently displayed on this shirt. He looks like a Halloween decoration at a middle school dance. He looks like he should be the mascot for cinnamon candy. Look at the vacant gaze on his face. It’s like he just remembered that he left his oven on at home and can’t remember his neighbor’s phone number so he can call them and ask them to turn it off. His day is completely fucked because he was stupid and was too worried about his zucchini bread burning. Shit, he doesn’t even like zucchini bread, he just wanted to make something nice for the she-devil he was seeing. Fuck!
Of course, El Diablo plays second fiddle (eyyy, you like that reference?) to Especimen vocalist Benny Rotten. Yes, Benny Rotten. The band has been around since the late 80’s, so I will cut him some slack for having a name similar to adult film star Bonnie Rotten. It’s still funny, though. He’s got the standard spiked hair, leather jacket, and ummm Hannibal Lecter mask. Has… has Benny been crying? The way his mascara is running suggests that he has been knee-deep in the feels zone. Probably because this shirt design stops right before the sleeves. That would bring any punk a case of the weepies.
Anabantha (also known as Anabanta) are a gothic metal band from Mexico City. Is there a Spanish word for melodramatic? If not, can I suggest Anabantha as the official term? Even Theatre of Tragedy thinks they need to tone it down a bit. Also, ask your fans and bootleggers to tone it down as well.
This wonderful bit of eye hemorrhaging comes from the magical world of eBay bootlegs. You can no longer send someone a few crumpled dollars in the mail for something bought on eBay, but you can sell all your homemade garbage. Those stangry skulls with the squiggly lines come free with any purchase of a Five Finger Death Punch concert ticket. Truck Nuts are embarrassed by those things.
Not all blame goes to the bootlegger. This is the legitimate (albeit a black and white version) of the band’s artwork for their album Desideratha. That bosomy fairy is straight out of the weird New Age store in the corner of the mall that you never visit. You know the one I’m talking about. It smells like cheap incense and never has anyone in it, but still manages to stay open for years.
Incredibly, the shame does not end there as whoever created this wearable lemon-juice-in-a-papercut loved skulls so much that they had to put them on each side of the hood. Not just a regular skull mind you, but one with a bone mohawk (yes, it’s a bonehawk) and an earring connected to a chain that magically disappears. The earring isn’t even in an ear. It’s piercing the skull itself. Say what you will about healthcare in America, at least we don’t have to deal with this sort of medical condition. I hope whoever made this gets sat on by Mexican lucha legend Super Porky.
Rata Blanca are an Argentinian heavy metal band that… oh, holy crap on a pile of plantains, it’s more skulls, chains, and awful tribal tattoos. Madre de dios! Shit, eBay, have some quality control. Amazingly, these are different skulls, chains, and awful tribal tattoos than the Anabantha hoodie. I don’t know whether I should laugh, cry, or vomit in terror. Someone out there loves those three things so much that they just had to, HAD TO, put them on multiple bootleg hoodies of Spanish-speaking metal bands. What is the Spanish equivalent for a “bro”? I know we use “malandro” here a lot (Hi, Link! We’ll send you toilet paper and corn soon!) but there has to be something better. Would Verga work? Sound off in the comments section.
Just like the Anabantha-banana-fanna-fo-fanna-me-my-mo-mantha Anabantha hoodie, the skulls/chains/tats medley isn’t the only bad thing on the hoodie. I don’t know if this picture is official album art for Rata Blanca or just an OkCupid profile picture of Elrond from Lord Of The Rings. Or maybe it’s the kitty’s dating profile picture. This art is perfect for that stupid “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” horseshit meme. Fancy Feast could “win the internet” with that one. Buzzfeed would fall over themselves to get in on that trash train. The best part of this hoodie (besides the tropical Skittles-colored eyes) is that it looks like all the skulls are jealously glaring at Elrond and the kitty. It’s like they’re saying, “Curse you, Mr. Snuggles! He will be mine one day!” Adorable.
Mägo de Oz are no strangers to Shirt Stains. Who could forget their incredible sex cauldrons and demon gangbangs? Their brand of Spanish folk metal is only matched by their brand of batfuck crazy music videos. Never stop, guys. Please never stop. Actually, scratch that. Stop making shirts.
There is so much going on with this shirt and all of it is very bad and also not very good. Their logo looks like the band is named Magode O3 and whatever font they used looks like it needs to shed its skin. Don’t worry though, the band loves it because it also appears on one of the sleeves. They also love pentagrams because they have a giant one acting as a target for bullies. If getting punched in the chest wasn’t enough, we’ve got four more inverted pentagrams on the arm. Good thing they have the inverted crucifix near the crotch. Maybe that will make bullies feel all sexually confused and save Mägo de Oz fans from an epic pummeling.
I assume all those words on the back of the shirt are song lyrics. I’d like to believe those are “Do Not Resuscitate” instructions for the wearer. I’m not sure what that’s supposed to be beneath the orgy of words. There’s no joke to go with that. I really have no idea what it’s supposed to be. Your guess is as good as mine. It is sort off purpleish, so we just have to assume it has something to do with tech death.
Ekhymosis – 80’smosis
Ekhymosis were a Colombian rock band that started out as a thrash band in the 80’s. I can’t really listen to their stuff for more than a few seconds before brain freeze starts to set in. Plenty of bands evolve and change their sound. For example, Dredg went from this to this. It happens, and that is perfectly okay. Some bands acknowledge their past sound while others do all they can to ignore it. I’m not sure which Ekhymosis fits in, but a look at this shirt may give us an idea.
This design is super mega 80’s thrashtastic. I actually like their logo quite a bit. It would look good in the back of a notebook or tucked away in a hard-to-see spot on a battle vest. The rest of the shirt, though, is no es bueno. Maybe it’s the 80’s perm or the awkward shadowing or it’s the disembodied hands holding Twizzlers. Are those hands trying to floss his teeth? They’re doing a terrible job. It looks like they’re playing Cat’s cradle in his mouth. He doesn’t look that bothered by it either. Perhaps that’s Colombia’s national past time, right next to cocaine and being murdered by drug lords after ruining the World Cup. Angry Colombians can send all their hate mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.