Shirt Stains: Bret Michaels Has Baggage

Talk luggage to me.

Bret Michaels isn’t just the former singer for Poison. He’s not just a cast member from the most popular season of Celebrity Apprentice. He’s not just the man from VH1’s “Rock Of Love” who played tonsil rugby with a bevy of skanks for 3 (!) seasons. No, no. Bret Michaels is an entrepreneur. While some bands and musicians are happy just putting their name on a bottle of hot sauce or some coffee, Bret Michaels goes the extra mile. For whatever reason, Bret Michaels now has his own luggage line.

 

bretmichaelsluggages

 

The man who sang such modern poetry as “Unskinny Bop” now has an exclusive deal with Overstock.com to sell his line of rolling suitcases and bags. You hear that LuggageEndorsedByHairMetalMusicians.cjb.net? You’re completely fucked now. Overstock got you beat and now all you have to sell is plastic bags with Danger Danger‘s face on it.

That Bret Michaels/Overstock joint page is something. I’m not exactly sure what to make of it, really. Are they just selling stuff that Bret Michaels likes? Was he cleaning out his rumpus room and forced Overstock to sell it as part of this deal? Is the site trying to pawn off his decades-of-jizz encrusted furniture and clothes?

Why are their videos of Bret Michaels barbecuing? Why does he flip a burger into the void? Is it to feed the hellspawn that he sold his soul to in order to stay in the public eye?” RAKSHASA DEMANDS POTATO SALAD WITH HIS BURGER, MICHAELS! DO NOT SKIMP ON THE KETCHUP LEST YOU FEEL THE WRATH OF BRAHMA’S BREATH! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

The best part about this is that Michaels has been “working personally with Overstock.com to develop branded products.” I’d like to believe Michaels sits at an art easel, rubbing his exposed brain beneath his ever-present bandana, trying to decide just what color the flames on his luggage should be. “Red? Orange? Silver! That’s it! Michaels, you’ve done it again! I’ll take my usual bag of crumpled up $1’s and coupons for Triscuits, please.”

As far as the bags themselves go, there’s really not much to say. They’re fine, I guess. As long as they don’t smell like “Oldies Night” at the Mud Flapz, saddest strip club in all of the Ozarks, then that’s good enough. All sorts of people travel, and if this helps them contain their bits and pieces while getting from point A to point B, then good. And if C.C. Deville now has a new pillow to use, then that’s good too.

Written by:

Published on: February 5, 2016

Filled Under: Shirt Stains

Views: 1410

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  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    Fuck.

  • Bret Michaels has Diabeetus.

  • COAL GROHL

    On a similar merchandising note….Toyota killed off Scion, one could say that their celebrity endorsements caused the brand to “Implode”

    • Dubs

      I saw that news. Kind of a bummer because Scion A/V did a lot for metal.

        • Scrimm

          Fuck for a second I thought this was new and got all exited. Forgot about this.

          • Same here, until Dubya reminded me of it. Not a bad release either if I remember correctly.

          • Scrimm

            I remember liking it but only listened once.

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          Never cared for that artwork. Looks like an airport ad or something.

          • Same, also that logo can fuck off. The original logo was perfect.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Agreed. So tired of when bands go with pretty easier to read font.

          • Hey, I was able to score Dawn of Possession on vinyl this week. Stoked about that.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Nice dude!

          • CyberneticOrganism

            It looks like the MYST logo, complete with cheesy marble texture

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            In fairness the old logo wouldn’t have worked with the new artwork. I mean yeah the old artwork was better, but still.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Huh. you’d think those rapping hamster commercials would have brought in more millenials looking to buy shitbox cars.

  • YourLogicIsFlushed

    Totally buying one of these so I can pick up milfs at the baggage claim in Cancun.

    • COAL GROHL

      the backpack might have the same effect at the bar at Applebee’s

    • Just make sure that the rose you pick up doesn’t have a…. THORN. HAHAHAHAHA A

      *agressivefarting*

  • Dubs

    No licensed straw cowboy hat?

  • Waynecro

    If I don’t have cheesy flame graphics on everything I own, how will people know how rawkin’ I am?

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    I’m laughing really hard at the Danger Danger plastic bag comment.

  • Nativian Taco

    Bret Michaels, go away, plz.

  • I will bootleg the shit out of this idea. Dagon will help me.

    Thanks 365!

  • D. Lee

    Brett Michaels is playing my town in a couple months. I personally know at least 10 people that are excited to go. Please kill me

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      Enjoy.

    • Sir Tapir The Based

      I wonder if Brett Michaels comes to Poughkeepsie?

      • D. Lee

        *paging JJD

        • COAL GROHL

          I may be the minority here, but the JJD bullying is pretty old hat

          • Dubs

            You’re in the right

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Everyone here gets bullied at some point. Just some more than others.

          • SHUT IT NERD

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Boom. Roasted.

          • Dubs

            Truly. Sometimes it’s good to take a step back and think, “Is this getting excessive?” Let’s make fun of McNulty for a while instead.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Oh, I like the way you’re thinking. That dudes a fucking douche.

          • Dubs

            I heard he puts ranch on his pizza.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            I heard McNulty thinks Nile is still a good death metal band.

          • pillowtalk rules are off now?

          • Joe said I wanted to bang Clint Eastwood early and I felt bullied. What a dick.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Who hasn’t wanted to bang him? Especially in High Plains Drifter!

          • I am more of a “A Mule for Sister Sarah” kinda Eastwood fan. But I understand what you are getting at.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Or maybe Unforgiven, when he’s all drunk and vengeful in the end.

          • *nods enthusiastically*

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            You never said no.

          • AND TAPIR LOBS THE ASSIST.

            AND SCORES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

            *the crowd goes wild*

            You win!

          • Detective Fish

            I wear my TOH bully scars like a badge of honor!

  • I will be on the lookout for people with this luggage when I travel next month so I can yell, “Behold! The loser who actually bought Bret Michaels Luggage from Overstock!”

    • COAL GROHL

      You’re going to vegas?

      • No, Disney. I still like my chances.

        • COAL GROHL

          Yep, pretty good.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Nice one 365, I’m always up for Bret Michaels hatred.

    And hey all you rockers out there, be sure to decorate your home as though your mom were picking out “cool” stuff from IKEA for your first apartment after college: http://tinyurl.com/hdbwr2f

  • Mayk Benynton

    Meanwhile, Dream Theater released their brand of mugs to help you get through their album.

    http://media.fanfire.com/images/product/zoom/DRA/DRA67358.jpg

    • CyberneticOrganism

      lololololol

    • Sir Tapir The Based

      If you fill the cup with bleach, maybe it makes the album enjoyable?

      • i miss smitty

        • Dubs

          Downvoted

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            Upvoted

        • Sir Tapir The Based

          Who?

        • Mayk Benynton

          “Best friend of Sir Tapir the Based”, tell me how did that happen.

        • Óðinn

          He’s around. Just not in the Toilet for whatever reason.

      • Guppusmaximus

        You could probably fill all the mugs they offer with GHB and still not enjoy that feelz drenched POS. *ugh*

    • Hot with shit.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    We should take a cue from Headband Michaels and offer more garbage merchandise to fund the site. Shit that nobody wants but still makes a ridiculous amount of money. Here’s an idea.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain
  • Dagon

    This doesn’t phase me at all, Brazilians gave the world Romero Britto, who went on to spread his “art” onto every surface imaginable. Yikes.

    https://img.peixeurbano.com.br/?img=https://s3.amazonaws.com/pu-mgr/default/a0RG000000VmUngMAF/540e1a1ae4b0ab5d450c0d26.jpg

  • Guppusmaximus

    ” I’d like to believe Michaels sits at an art easel, rubbing his exposed brain beneath his ever-present bandana”

    I thought the bandana was his exposed brain…*hmmf*

  • Eliza

    So, this exists, huh? Ok, then.

  • Detective Fish

    Good lordy, those suitcases look like they got gang-splooged by Guy Fieri’s shirts!