Shirt Stains: Black Merol

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Kvlt Shvrt Stvns

I’ve been having a bit of trouble with an intro for this edition of Shirt Stains. I’m not exactly a big fan of the genre, though I do enjoy certain bands. I’m always extremely cautious when it comes to black metal bands due to certain ideological beliefs coughnazishitheadscough held by a seemingly large number of people involved in the scene. That and murders committed by black metal musicians. Don’t forget torturing  or church burnings. Of course, it would be unfair to lump everyone into that category. Bands have spoken out against these ideas, fans enjoy the music while separating it from the ideologies etc. If there’s one we we can agree on, it’s the intense passion that black metallers have for their music. Sometimes to a fault.

Since black metal bands and fans are known for their sense of humor (Abbath notwithstanding), this should be an interesting and fun edition of Shirt Stains. Remember: You’re supposed to laugh. Irrational black metal fans, make sure to send all your hate mail and death threats to papajoethrashnkill@toiletovhell.lolbuttz

Satanic Warmaster – Bllleeeeeehhhhh

satanicwarmastershirtstains

Black shirt? Check. White print? Check. Hard-to-read band logo. Check. Fiery werewolf with big fluffy tail struggling to take a morning plop before work. Check. Lots and lots of symbols? You better believe that’s a check. If the shirt was just the band name and the cutest lil’ were-monster, it would be fine, but no, there’s still room on the shirt. Use it up. Use it all up!

Do we really need a sleeve full of inverted pentagrams and smaller versions of the main image? No, but we’re getting it anyway. The same could be said for the the other sleeve. The name is hard enough to read on the front, but let’s throw it on the other sleeve just in case. Maybe someone will be able to read it then. The one good thing about having that little pentagram on the front? It looks like our wolf buddy is heading a soccer ball. He’s not a bad guy, he’s just practicing to make the team this year. Go get ’em, big fella. Do it for Pele!

Satyricon – Family Portrait

Satyriconstains

I’ve seen this portrait theme before, but don’t understand it. Serious question: Why do black metal bands do this? Do their mommys and gram-grams frame the pictures themselves and keep them on the mantle? Do they proudly point to them when their girlfriends come over for tea and biscuits? “Oh, my son Fapnar the Crotchgrinder just released his eighth demo tape last week. He’ll be signed to a label any day now. We’re so proud!” It’s just kind of strange to me, especially on a shirt.

Stranger than awkward yearbook photos is how small the band’s name appears. Shouldn’t that be the biggest thing on the shirt? I guess the guy on the right is super happy with his amateur fencing club picture, but still. Band name is #1, larping pictures #2. It’s not like they think having a big band name is unimportant because we can see it creeping up on the sleeve. You really goofed this time, Satyricon. What would gram-gram say?

Satanik Goat Ritual – Don’t spit. It’s not ladylike.

satanicgoatritualshirtstains

The pride of El Paso, Texas, Satanik Goat Ritual (not to be confused with Satanic Goat Ritual, which I can only assume has already been used by another band) bestow upon us a highly-detailed graphic drawing and a band photo. Bless you, Satanik Goat Ritual. Bless you.

I’m sure someone worked very hard on that design. Possibly too hard. I’m really not sure what’s going on. I think we have a totally buff goat bro (Broat perhaps?), a WTF-faced Jesus, and…I don’t know. A big pile of human mush. Is this what a satanik goat ritual looks like? If so, I’ll stick with the sex cauldrons. At least their name is big and bright, unlike a lot of other black/death metal bands. They even included the name of their album on the front, “Seven Spittings on the Face of Madonna”. Jeez, I didn’t know people felt that strongly about the Material Girl.

On the back of the shirt, we have a reiteration of their bodily fluid exchange upon the Dick Tracy co-star. Why seven? Is it for luck? Do satanik goats even need luck? Maybe they just like alliteration. They definitely love band photos. We’ve got bullet belts, machetes, and whatever the hell is going on in that photo on the right. Does this please his goatship? Does he chew upon the grass in great malevolence? Will he ram his imperial horns into the butts of the unworthy? We may never know.

Cradle of Filth – *Shakes head*

CradleofFilthshirtstains

Cranky black metal fans are probably already upset that I dare speak ill of their shirts, so I might as well throw in a Cradle of Filth shirt. Cries of mall metal be damned! Just look at this shirt. It’s like someone watched Spinal Tap and didn’t get the joke. They saw “Smell The Glove” and said “I want that on a shirt, but worse!” The design is weird and slightly confusing. The greenish color is off-putting and that really says something for a shirt that shows lesbian bondage necrophilia. This actually makes Cradle of Filth’s “Jesus was a c*nt” shirt seem tasteful.

Maybe the back is better.

CradleofFilthshirtstainsback

Nope! Not only is it goofy (and lacking punctuation), but I don’t think it has anything to do with the front of the shirt. The tiny baphomet is cute. It’s like a smiley emoji letting us know that it’s totes not serious jk lol. Who would wear this shirt out in public? Actually, don’t answer that. I don’t want to know. It probably involves a high-pitched Dani Filth squeal of delight.

Horned Almighty – I have so many ideas! Let’s use all of them!

hornedalmightyshirtstains

These Danish black metallers are full of so many ideas. We’ve got an inverted cross, some serpents, the band logo, the album name, the band logo, the album name, the band logo, the album name, oh god make it stop! The sleeve designs need to stop, especially when it’s just repeating the same thing that’s on the front. We get it! We know!

On the plus side, the back doesn’t have any of that. On the minus side, it has a giant biohazard symbol on top of a crown of thorns. Don’t cut yourself on that edge, guys. The little demon harpies unnecessary, but sure, why not? I hope someone sees the back of this shirt and starts singing “Tales From The Hard Side”. That would be some poetic justice.

  • Edward/Breegrodamus

    I really like the idea of a Toilet Ov Hell tagline being:

    Do it for Pelé.

    • Coming shortly

    • Dr. Dubz

      I do it for the tendies.

      • Tyreeling In The Years

        Hey man, Congratulations.

      • Rubber Balls And Liquor
        • tertius_decimus

          With the song of Misery Index “The Calling” in the background this gif makes special atmosphere.

          • Rubber Balls And Liquor

            Or………..

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OfcY7-ainaQ

            Because, hot sauce and wings!

          • tertius_decimus

            This video is prohibited for view in my country.

          • Rubber Balls And Liquor

            Hmmmmmmmmmmm………..

      • more beer

        That`s awesome man congratulations!

  • Guacamole Jim

    That CoF shirt is, I’m pretty sure, damned by God. Too bad Hell is full, otherwise we’d never have had to see it again.

    • Edward/Breegrodamus

      It’s like a smiley emoji letting us know that it’s totes not serious jk lol.

    • Reposted Avenged Sevenfold Fan

      it took me three long, bonerless years to find this since the first time i saw it. to be honest, i didn’t try all that hard, but now i’ve found it again, my bonerless years are over 😉

      -DEATHMULE101, 1 week ago

  • Tyreeling In The Years

    Pick a fucking logo goddamnit!

    • Edward/Breegrodamus
      • Tyreeling In The Years

        Air Max son!

    • sweetooth0

      What about Nunslaughter, kings of the alternate logo? But I guess when you have 2000 different rehearsal tapes released on 7″ splits, you need to mix things up a bit

      • sweetooth0
      • Tyreeling In The Years

        Nunslaughter for sure, Hahaha!

      • IronLawnmower

        Yeah but nunslaughter are good.

  • Tyreeling In The Years
  • Scrimm
    • Tyreeling In The Years

      So fuckking classic.

      • Scrimm

        Still gets better every time.

  • Dank Meme Alert

  • Dr. Dubz

    I kind of like the fluffy werewolf.

  • Stanley

    You don’t fuck with this duck.

  • Celtic Frosty

    More like seven sittings on the face of yo mama, amirite?

  • Herr Schmitty

    BLECH I’ve never met a single CoF song or shirt that I could like. They’re always so… impolite and insistent upon themselves!

    • Tyreeling In The Years

      Well, Jesus is a cvnt.

      • Dr. Dubz

        I think an angsty teenager designed that stupid shirt.

        • Tyreeling In The Years

          Every once in a while I’ll see some dick wear that shirt at a concert. I just put my palm to forehead and drink my beer.

          • Dr. Dubz

            I don’t think I’ve seen one here, but the metal crowd in this town is perpetually stuck in a nu metal/deathcore phase without end.

          • Tyreeling In The Years

            Mostly MDF I see it. Big crowd, and it’s hard to miss that dumb shirt.

          • Reposted Avenged Sevenfold Fan

            This is the worst thing I’ve ever seen. And I once saw a dog eat shit and then vomit it up. And eat that.

            -Peter Slattery, 2 weeks ago

          • I’ve seen that too. It was hilarious.

          • In North Carolina, it’s Pantera all day and all night for these fucking nerds. Alas, I can only hope that one of my beanies can inspire them to Google one of the bands on them.

          • Tyreeling In The Years

            Lots of Confederate flags in NC.

          • There’s plenty of trucks who doors start at my head due to being jacked up so high. It is a veritable hive and bdubs bros and dillholes who can’t drive.

        • Bleh. I still can’t believe how they were butthurt with the New Zealand exposition: “oh, that’s shocking…”

          I like CoF music, but that was such a bad movement.

    • Stanley

      Obviously they are cheesy and annoying but they have churned out some riffs in their time.

      • Dr. Dubz

        The great prophet RiotAct666 is a fan.

        • Stanley

          *backtracks hastily

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          I remember that shit. He fucking lost his jizz when Paul Allender was on MS.

      • Herr Schmitty

        Totally possible; I just haven’t heard any I like. I’ll readily admit that I’ve only heard 4 or 5 songs of theirs in my lifetimes, and I just couldn’t get over Dani’s fucking voice.

    • Rubber Balls And Liquor

      I got to see them for free when I interviewed Moonspell (and got to meet Peter Steele for a few seconds on the bus). Fucking hate their music, but their live show is visually fucking stunning. Especially the one where they had the chick who was doing acrobatics from a silk scarf hanging from the ceiling.

      • Stanley

        I saw them playing with Nile at the Great American Music Hall in 2001. Unfortunately Nile were abysmal. Just a wall of noise with each song undecipherable from the next.

        • Rubber Balls And Liquor

          They were decent when I saw them, but ZERO stage presence.

          • Stanley

            That too. I haven’t paid to see Nile since that show.

        • I dig them. But I also have killer earplugs that don’t wash out all the treble. And last time I saw them there were no openers, just 2 hours of Nile!

          • Stanley

            Are your earplugs either Hearos of Alpine Pro?

      • Herr Schmitty

        Now this is intriguing… I’m always into a good stage show, it’s nice when dudes put in a little more effort than ‘watch me make my focused face and play these riffs like I’m in the studio!’

  • Reposted Avenged Sevenfold Fan

    You know you’re a fucking badass when the second you put on a new shirt you have guys coming to cut the sleeves off immediately.

    – lmMotion, 1 week ago

    • Dr. Dubz

      wut

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      More cunt pics. I’m starting to get flaccid.

  • Rubber Balls And Liquor

    I’m not sure if that’s a tail on the werewolf, or it’s his hemorrhoids flaring up. They should’ve skipped the sleeve designs and used the cash to get that poor creature some Preparation H.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    I’d wear them all except Cradle of Filth.

    • Dr. Dubz

      I think the Satanic Warmaster one could stand to be a little less cluttered, but I like the overall design.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        I can see that.

  • FeelTheDarknesses

    The pooping were-thing is lovely

  • HessianHunter

    Thank you for all the birthday lolz, 365.

    “Oh, my son Fapnar the Crotchgrinder just released his eighth demo tape last week. He’ll be signed to a label any day now. We’re so proud!”

    -ded

  • Inducing… The Sheeple

    Dani Filth is working at Old Navy now?

  • Fapnar and Crotchgrinder. Looks like I found my aliases for when I stark my blackened pornogrind band.

  • Paris Hilton

    The only black metal I like is the kind that pisses off black metal fans

  • Maik Beninton
  • more beer

    This is off topic big time but I wanted to know what people here think. I saw Doro the other night. Not really my thing but my friends bought me a ticket. She kicked ass. But here`s the thing it seemed like a field trip for sex offenders. Never before have been to a show with so many creepy dudes trying to cop cheap feels of ladies they didn`t know. First this guy tried to push up on my friend while I was talking to her, not in a trying to hit on her way. But in I never got laid and I`m gonna wait for you to back into me so I can feel you up way. There were plenty of free places for him to stand and he chose 6 inches from her. I made her move aand told him to stay away from her. Then another dude did the same type of thing to her in front of her boyfriend. During Doro`s set this other guy started just grabbing on a bunch of girls who were just banging their heads and having a good time. A female friend of mine grabbed him and punched him. My friend who had a liver transplant 4 months ago grabbed him and punched him. I saw that part of it and grabbed him and told him he needed to go away and pushed him back. At this point I grabbed a couple of guys I know and we formed a bit of gauntlet in front of the ladies so they could enjoy the show molestation free. Is this normal at these types of shows? Who does shit like this and is it any wonder they never get laid?

    • Rubber Balls And Liquor

      None that I’ve ever been to.

      • more beer

        Me either until the other night. It was fuckin disgusting what was going on. It was like rapist training for fucks sake.

    • CT-12

      Shitty man. I’ve never seen anything like that go on, fucking stupid.

      • more beer

        I`ve been going to show`s for 30 years and never witnessed anything like that before. I`m an old dude and these guys were creeping me out.

    • Don’t think I’ve ever seen that, where’s Chris Hanson when you need him?

      • more beer

        I`ve never seen that kind of shit before either. Once we handled the first guy we just wouldn`t let any of these fuckers near the ladies. One of the girls this dude fucked with was in one of the bands that played. I`m old school fucking with females pisses me off. I don`t usually go to shows like that. I~ve never seen that shit at the brutal shows I usually attend.

  • pïgchop™

    Hey everybuddy! March 14 is cummmmmming! Steak n’ BJ day! The ladies have had their day, February 14. And now it’s the guys turn. Perhaps, as a soundtrack, you could blast Revocation. Can you dig it?

    http://www.officialsteakandblowjobday.com/

    http://www.steakandbj.org/

    https://www.facebook.com/steakandblowjobday

    • it’s also Pi day!

      • pïgchop™

        I…suppose so. But STEAK AND A BLOWJOB DAY!!!

  • Stockhausen

    How dare you besmirch the spotless name of black metal. It’s spotless, right?

    • J.R.

      Black betrays every imperfection it suffers. To be trvly blvck is to be the most spotless of all.

  • Formerly Known As Oli Sykes

    My god Cradle Of Filth are so shit. My friend at college said that ‘They only have one good song, and it isn’t even theirs’, and he is correct in every way.

  • CT-12

    Homeboy looks jizzed-out