Baby it’s BOLD outside.
It’s getting harder and harder to stand out these days. Everyone is staring at their phones, sexting emojis to each other and what not. A band needs something to grab the attention of an audience that’s too busy trying to think of the next big meme that will be overshared across the internet and earn them zero dollars. Sure, a band can improve their skills and craft songs that a wide audience will like, but that takes too long and is no guarantee. You have to metaphorically grab the kids by the junk (note: please do not do this, you will go to jail for a very long time and your picture will be in the papers) and say “HEY! LOOK AT US! WE’RE IN A BAND! YOU LIKE MUSIC! LIKE US YOU FUCKS!”. Some bands have decided the best way to do this is to have shirts with giant bold letters on it. Whatever works, right?
Apparitions – Bloody Bold
Apparitions are a band. I think. For all I know, they could just be the latest clothing line from a juiced-up MMA fighter named PunchMachine Thundercock. A google search of “Apparitions band” brings up a few choices, but judging from the logo, it’s this one. Sadly, I don’t think they got their name from the Matthew Good Band song. The drummer is named Cooper. Of course this band has someone named Cooper in it.
The message “WITH BLOOD COVERED FINGERS FROM PULLING THE TRIGGER” reads like a Yelp review of a Denny’s in Texas by a delusional gun-rights activist. It hits that sweet spot of violent imagery and total nonsense. If I said that quote came from a Juggalo’s profile on OKCupid, you wouldn’t think twice about it. You might say “whoop whoop my ninja”, but that’s on you. Shouldn’t there also be a hyphen between blood and covered? And shouldn’t the sentence make, y’know, sense? Really, that’s expecting too much from a band whose photos section is almost entirely shitty memes. Maybe they should have changed the shirt to say, “WITH SHITTY COVERED FINGERS FROM PULLING THE TRIGGER.” Yuck.
Arsonists Get All The Girls – Bold Fuck
I think Arsonists Get All The Girls is trying to tell us something with this shirt. I’m not sure. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Is it a metaphor for society’s love of vulgarity? Is it trying to take the “f-word” back from some unseen oppressor? Is it a reflection on where we are as a species at this current time in our evolution, with an eye on the past? Nah, nevermind. It’s just a shirt with the word Fuck all over it. Putting f-bombs on your band shirt is so in right now.
This shirt begs for attention like the middle child in the Duggar litter. I’m surprised this thing doesn’t come with a micro-skirt or a sign that says “Daddy didn’t love me.” The next time you go riding a bicycle, put this shirt on the back of it instead of reflectors. If you’re ever lost at sea, throw this shirt in the air when a plane flies overhead. If you’re ever standing trial, this shirt is your insanity defense. Hospitals in 36 states will use this shirt in lieu of “Do Not Resuscitate” orders.
Escape The Fate – It hurts. It hurts so boldy.
Ugh. Oh, god. I don’t feel so good. I don’t think it’s something I ate. Not even room temperature Dominos Chicken Kickers ™ can make me feel this way. No, this is a feeling deep down inside, like being dared to lick a urinal. This shirt wouldn’t look good on anyone. If you had this shirt in your house, local property values would plummet. Animals go on the endangered species list after they see this shirt.
The Grimace splooge design of the band name is bad, but it serves as the only refuge for the eyes. Why repeat the band name in giant bold letters all over the shirt? Why repeat the band name in giant bold letters in a way that it’s virtually unreadable, therefore negating the purpose of repeating the band’s name in the first place? There’s subliminal, liminal, and superliminal. I think we can add a “megaliminal” to the list now after seeing this wearable version of the Norovirus. It’s gross, it’s painful, and it’s very contagious.
Impending Doom: Bold for Jesus
You down with JC? You down with lots of big, giant words in different fonts and colors all over your shirt? Well, you’re in luck (and you also have very specific tastes). Christian deathcore band (or as I prefer to call them Weedilies For Jesus) Impending Doom wear the love of their Lord on their sleeve and now you can wear their love all over your chest. They’ve even included some dripping marks and squiggly white lines just for you! And he said, “Forgive them, they know not how Impending Doom goes skeet skeet skeet all over the walls.”
If you didn’t know that Impending Doom was their name, you’d think they were called “Beware The Mark” or “Beware The Mark Of The Beast”. It wouldn’t be wrong to assume that the band was called “Baptized in Filth” either. Like just about every other shirt done in this style, when said out loud, it doesn’t make sense. “BEWARE THE MARK BAPTIZED IN FILTH IMPENDING DOOM OF THE BEAST”. Hmmm, sounds like a tech death song title. The entire band should go to confessional for this. It’s an affront to good taste and sense.
I The Breather – I The Bolder
I, The Breather was a Christian (I’m sensing a theme here) Sumeriancore band from Baltimore that broke up this past year. Dry your eyes friends. It will be okay because you can rock their shirt that boldy proclaims…wait, hold on. I need to get my glasses. There’s a lot going on here. “THIS COULD BE WHAT SETS YOU FREE. FORGIVEN. I THE BREATHER.” You get all that? Good, because I just lost almost as many brain cells reading the shirt as I did that one time I accidentally read the comments section of a Bam Margera facebook post. So is it the shirt that sets me free? Will I be forgiven if I’m set free? Is there blood coming out of my ears?
To get the full effect of this shirt, you should read it out loud, emphasizing each word as they appear. Yell the words in blue and bellow the words in white. Do it on a street corner. Maybe people will throw coins at you, fearing you’re a crazy street preacher. Throw in some spinkicks to drive home the message.
Within The Ruins – Bold Bitch
Damn it, Within The Ruins. We just did an entire Shirt Stains on you. Why did you have to go ahead and make another awful shirt? I suppose it’s just in your nature. A bird has to fly, a fish has to swim, and Within The Ruins has to make a bad shirt. Some may see this shirt and think that it’s some sort of inside joke with the band (which it may be), but their hometown of Westfield, MA is actually known as Whip City. The city earned it’s nickname because of it’s production of buggy whips. Thanks Wikipedia! Whip City would actually be a good name for a band; Whip City Bitch on the other hand, not so much.
You’ll have to forgive me if “WHIP CITY BITCH WHIP WHIP CITY BITCH” is a reference to a hip hop song, but I don’t know it [Joe: It’s from the shittiest hip hop track of the last decade]. I suspect that a lot of other people won’t know it either and will think that Within The Ruins are referring to themselves as bitches from Whip City. You just know they’re super proud of this because it’s on the front of the shirt with the band’s name relegated to the back.
Designer: “Sorry guys, if you really want your shirt to say BITCH on it twice, we’re going to have to move the name to the back. Is that a problem?”
Within The Ruins: “Problem? Bitch, no. We insist! Whip that bitch up!”