It’s your fuckin’ nightmaaaaaarrrrreeeeuuhhhhhh.
We all know that Avenged Sevenfold are the greatest rock band of this, nay, every generation everywhere. They rose from the mean streets of Orange County, California, overcoming adversity like Republican housewives and being named “Synyster”. They convinced Mike Portnoy to leave his own band only to kick his beard to the curb. They even out-Metallica’d Metallica with one of their albums. Not even a lawsuit from Warner Bros. can stop them. They are truly rock gods amongst us rock ants. Luckily for us lowly mortals, we now have proper vestments to wear for our worship services.
City of AAARRGGHHHH MY EYES
Ooh, this one hurts. Sure, City of Evil received the Groundbreakers treatment a few months back, but that doesn’t mean it should be stretched across your chest like some sort of kitty cat that’s been curled up in a ball for way too long. Just because it works for album art doesn’t mean it works in wearable form. The way it’s laid out, it appears the Skullface Von Spookydong is angrily staring at your O-zone. Even worse, his sword is looking to make a deposit at the First National Bank of Circumcision. Maybe that’s why M. Shadows doesn’t have any other letters in his first name.
Of course, that’s just the back. I think. It’s a garbage all-over bootleg, so I’m sure they can just change the machine in whatever dank, urine-soaked Bratislavan closet this was made in. The front is the equivalent of washing your eyes with Roasted Turkey flavored Jones Soda. A skull-faced king with bat wings, some sort of Ecto-Cooler colored-tail, elephants, and tigers, with some sort of reddish snakeskin motif up top. I don’t think I want to live in a world where all of that makes sense. “Do you have an idea for the Avenged Sevenfold shirt?” “I have ALL the ideas!”
This band loves skulls. LOVES them. Even The Misfits think they need to back off a bit. It’s making everyone feel uncomfortable. This shirt doesn’t even have the decency to come up with a different design for the back. If it were completely blank, it would’ve been a vast improvement. But no, of course not. Whoever made this just had to have Markie Rattlehead Jr. splashed across every inch of this shirt. You know they worked extra hard on this because on the picture on the right, you can see the skull go on the neckline and onto the inside of the shirt. I hope that’s not an error on the picture (like how I think the back should really be the front). I really do want the actual shirt to have that stupid mistake. Whoever buys this shirt deserves that little grey blob on the inside of their shirt as a constant reminder that you fucked up at some point in your life.
This shirt doesn’t even do a good job of advertising the band. The band name plays second fiddle to Skullet Johanson as it’s printed on the side. The front just says “Aven Seven” and the back has just a little bit of the D’s. Of course, the wearer’s arm is going to block part of the name when they’re wearing the shirt, so the name is even more obscured. What a blizzard of balls. No one steals the spotlight from M. Shadows! No one!
This may be the most appropriate shirt ever to appear in Shirt Stains. Blood pouring out of the wearers…mouth? Eyes? Ears maybe? Shotgun-blasted face? Possibly some sort of reverse-arching rainbow spurting anal explosion? Either way, it’s the proper reaction to one of the harshest shirts to ever look at. It’s amazing how something so simple, their little death bat symbol, multiplied a bunch of times and slapped onto a white shirt can be so nauseating. It’s like someone looked at Andew WK and said “I can do that, but make it waaaaay worse.”
Wear this shirt if you ever want to reenact Scanners with someone you don’t like. Wear this shirt if you ever want to be beaten in custody. Wear this shirt if you never want to know the loving touch of another human being again. Wear this shirt to draw attention away from your throat tattoo. Wear this shirt, light a candle, stare into the mirror and say “The Rev” three times. I dare ya.
Fail To The King
This shirt is a Magic Eye puzzle that squirts lemon juice into your eyes, ghost peppers onto your junk, and John Madden’s ass sweat in your mouth. This shirt makes you sleep funny and have neck pains in the morning. This shirt goes to a restaurant at 10:50pm and demands food. This shirt gives you the winning Powerball numbers a week after someone has won. This shirt gives you those terrible tattoos the “model” has. This shirt earns you a compliment from Lars Ulrich. This shirt points out that you’ve gained weight. This shirt….oh my Zacky Vengeance, look at the back:
Holy Johnny Christ on a cupcake. I don’t know what’s more shocking. The hilariously hideous design or the fact that this brutally crappy Photoshop job cut out Stone Sour and Hollywood Undead’s name, plus the word guest. That’s so funny I may slip into a seasonal depression. Bravo. Bra-fucking-vo. On top of all that, the tattoos are even worse. Also, is that Violent J from ICP with antlers? Sure, why not? That might make the most sense out of anything. I’ll take Stranglemania over this any day.
You knew where this was going to end. Deep down, you knew. You deserve this. We all deserve this. Drink it in. All hail to the M Shadows, bay-bee.