Shirt Stains: Attila

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Sorry about your merch.

Attila are an interesting band in that they’ve managed to create quite the following despite a large majority of the metal world completely hating their guts. Props to them for carving out a niche made entirely of asshole teenagers and community college burnouts. Someone had to fill the void left by Limp Bizkit, ditching 2nd period English class to smoke weed behind the gym, and paint fumes. Thankfully, Attila have created an entire slew of obnoxious t-shirts to let you know who to avoid.

atilla666stains

Fronz and company certainly have a way with words. And by “way” I mean they mash them all together in the world’s most cringe-worthy word salad. Actually, word salad isn’t really the correct term since salads are usually considered healthy. Attila’s lyrics are more like week-old room temperature word goulash. You ingest some of it and have to use all up your vacation days at work just to recover. Just read this shirt in one straight sentence: “Attila 666 PARTY WITH THE DEVIL BITCH RAGEAHOLICS ANONYMOUS”. Even with punctuation, none of that makes sense. Of course most of this shirt is in ALL CAPS. That’s the only way the band knows how to express themselves.

Wait, I can get two FREE MP3 Downloads if I buy this shirt from MerchNow.com? Oh, goodie, goodie gumdrops! It’s free, but technically, you do have to pay with your dignity and self-respect.

 

atillaloudstains

Words words words words. Again with the word vomit. I hope Attila knows that they’re not required to cover a majority of their shirts with text. I also hope they know that by spouting a bunch of nonsense on their shirts that they’re lowering the collective IQs of our nation’s youth. They’re already fairly illiterate to begin with, so this is just making things worse. All that eye strain from staring at Snapchatted butts and stuff. So many words and none of it really meaning a goddamned thing.

“I LET MY ACTIONS SPEAK LOUD.” K. Cool. Good for you, I guess. Whatevs. This shirt manages to be “try-hard” and “Not-trying-hard-enough” at the same time. It would be impressive if it wasn’t so sad. Kind of like the models terrible tattoos. I hope he put that Jesus fish on his hand in order to stop chronically masturbating. Judging by his hair and soul patch, this model is the unholy love child of David Bowie and Trent Reznor during their “I’m Afraid Of Americans” collaboration. Or maybe some poor woman slipped and fell crotch first on a hotel room floor that was once used by Nikki Sixx. He could have been one of the other guys in Everclear. Really makes you think.

atillaworststains

This shirt is what happens when you drink passion fruit vape juice. This shirt flunks out of McDonald’s Hamburger University. This shirt gets arrested for exposing itself to the Barbies section of a Toys R Us. This shirt goes to the emergency room with an orange-stained dick after a night of eating Cheetos and watching porn. This shirt saves it’s ass lint. This shirt contacts women on Tinder by asking “How deep?” This shirt asks everyone within earshot if it looks high. This shirt answers the door naked on purpose. This shirt puts 20 local bands on a bill with 1 national band and calls it a “fest”. This shirt starts off every Facebook post with “I don’t like drama, but…”

attilarage

This shirt doesn’t even have the guts to be one of those hideous, all-over prints. It’s the equivalent of some loud douche saying he’ll kick anyone’s ass and when someone finally steps up, he backs down and goes back to sipping on his $8 chocolate espresso-flavored IPA. The band gets one point for remembering to put their name at the top and minus a million points for putting a hashtag directly beneath it. But don’t worry, fam, this crusty mustard yellow hashtag is spray-painted on because Attila is so wild, and tough, and totes street, yo. Ya’ll feel me, Fronz Durst? Word.

Then they lose a billion points for lazily copying and pasting the same picture of a faceless woman’s backside all over the shirt. It’s almost as if Atilla has a problem with women. Don’t worry, we’ll deal with those and other gross pieces of merch in a separate post. Seems like it’s a scene-wide issue. Attila – Creating woman-hating sociopaths since MTV unleashed Fronzie unto the world.

atillasmfstains

Shakespeare could not have said it better himself.

(Image VIA)

  • IronLawnmower

    My suicide note will just be this articles URL written in blood

  • Óðinn

    This guy said it best. Eloquent. 😉

    https://youtu.be/12BcQEqlgPk

    But seriously, Attila sucks.

  • WHERE ATTILA! WE PARTY SO HARD. SO MANY CANZ OF 4 LOCO CONSUMED!!!! SIQQ.

    • Brutalist_Receptacle

      “WE ARE NOT FROM RICH FAMILIES LIKE SOME OTHER POOFTER FUKKING BANDS, WE ARE ATILLA AND ON TOP OF THAT WE ALL HAVE MENTAL PROBLEMS. THUS EVERYTHING WE EVER DO IS FUKKED UP.”

  • “Socialize Liberaly”

    • “Avoid English Class Habitually”

      • Type the FUCK WORD in IMPACT FONT and act like a total DICKHOLE.

    • Rawr

      Uhhh. I feel like that is what the Constitution accomplishes but then again socialism is for commie scum so uh maybe we should burn the Constitution? Wait, no, that’s unAmerican. Fuck. I don’t know what to think.
      *blasts Attila*

      • Joaquin Stick

        I don’t k̶n̶o̶w̶ ̶w̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶t̶o̶ think.
        *blasts Attila*

        • Rawr

          Fuck I read that as “socialize liberty”. Gotta stop ruining my eyesight with snapchatted butts.

    • Brutalist_Receptacle

      APPLY OINTMENT LIBERALLY

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    Hahahaha! Holeesheeit!

    365, you found some seriously bad ones this time. I can’t even think of an excuse for one of those.

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      “Passion fruit vape juice” ded

  • Black Smallbeard

    and everyone is worried about Trumps word salad problem

    or maybe Fronz has some damage to the Broca’s Area of his brain

  • We got 60cm of snow this week, followed by freezing rain. Winter can SUCK MY FUCK.

  • Joaquin Stick

    Attila the Hunchback of Notre Dame Judi Denture Glue Gun Runner Up in the Air Force One Ring to Rule them All That Remains.

    Franz is Labonte. Conspiracy confirmed.

    • Eliza

      *cue X-files theme*

  • Eliza

    Attila’s shirts are dumb, what a surprise.

  • Óðinn

    If you feel lost, like your life is adrift, if you don’t know what to do….Good new! Fronz has some bulletproof advice for you!

    https://youtu.be/0AngsPVyyO8

    • CyberneticOrganism

      FLAGGED

      • Óðinn

        As it should be.

  • CyberneticOrganism
    • Óðinn

      Random emo guy?

  • Waynecro

    Thank you, 365, for the paragraph you wrote about the “I’m in Every Fucking City” shirt. That bit of writing made my day.

  • The Mighty Thorange

    A pub where I live has a metal night every month and they have a worst metal shirt competition where people actually make an effort to wear shite metal shirts because the winner gets a free bottle of bourbon. To this date, I have yet to see a shirt worse than any of the ones on Shirt Stains.

    • Lacertilian

      The strategist in me says to consume the bottle of bourbon and then use your inebriated state to buy a new shirt online, ensuring you get something fucking atrocious to have a good shot at winning the bottle the week after.
      Repeat ad infinitum.

      • The Mighty Thorange

        That is a very good plan. I would also say that half the time, no one has a shite shirt and they just give the bottle to the most mental cunt in the pit. I actually won that last month so I will take your advice and let you know what I get.