Shirt Stains: Alice Cooper Bootleg

Welcome to my nightmare.

alicecoopertanktopThis is the part of Shirt Stains where I would do a little introduction of the musician/band being featured or maybe pointing out the prevalence of ridiculous bootleg merch that you can find online. I’m not going to do that this time. No, sir, no ma’am, no way, no how. This… thing is beyond an introduction. It’s beyond a few lip service sentences trying to set the stage for the patented Shirt Stains 1-2 punch. It may, in fact, be beyond human comprehension.

What in the wide, wide world of sports is going on here? I know Alice Cooper likes to play golf, but that’s not what I mean. Why does this look like it was drawn by a Seaside Heights boardwalk artist that’s high on gas fumes and expired funnel cake mix? Why is Alice hitting his own head? Was it a horrible golfing accident? It’s still dripping, so his decapitation happened recently.  The look of disappointment on his face makes me want to do better on my next math test and clean up my room. I’m sorry Alice! I tried! I’ll do better next time, I swear!

This tank top, if it in fact can be considered a tank top and not a war crime, comes to us from China via eBay. It’s so monstrously ugly that just by purchasing it, you violate several trade agreements and tariffs. At $10.79, you might think this is a steal. A small investment for something that will make your friends laugh when lighting your farts on fire loses its luster. Don’t do it. This bootleg comes from China which means it’s a 50/50 blend: 50% lead paint chips and 50% flammable children’s toys. Just wearing this tank top infects all of your electronics with malware.

Don’t allow the soft water colors to lull you into a sense of false security. This tank top is bad. This is Ripper Owens using Twitter bad. This is Lulu bad. This is talking about tech death on any day other than Thursday bad. This is stale candy corn bad. This is Breitbart comments section bad. What I’m really trying to say is that it’s not good.

Written by:

Published on: October 7, 2016

Filled Under: Shirt Stains

Views: 1426

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    • W.

      Frank knows his limits.

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain
      • Joaquin Stick

        I kinda feel bad for him more than anything. Imagine how often he gets idiots bowing down to him, saying “we’re not worthy”. That’s gotta be so damn old by now.

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          Yeah, I’ll agree with you there.

      • Óðinn

        Agreed. I can’t fucking stand Alice Cooper. He’s just annoying.

        • ME GORAK™✓ᵛᵉʳᶦᶠᶦᵉᵈ

          MET HIM ONCE!!!! ODDLY VERY FRIENDLY!!!!!!!!!

        • Óðinn

          That’s from Under the Skin. Good film.

          • Joaquin Stick

            I really wanted to like it. I didn’t hate it though. it was visually miraculous, but I think it got talked up too much and I was kinda disappointed. Maybe just a bit too weird/meandering for me.

          • Óðinn

            Yeah. It’s better not to have any expectations. The narrative isn’t very traditional. It’s a comment on on the predatory nature of humanity, that even those who see us as prey should be afraid.

          • Nothing gets answered in that movie. Nothing. That may be why.

          • Joaquin Stick

            I’m not even a closure junkie. Almost all of my favorite books don’t have satisfying endings (or endings at all), but I think you’re right. I think maybe the problem was I didn’t even know what questions to ask in the first place.

          • W.

            Did you ever read The Terror? Very little closure at the end.

          • Joaquin Stick

            Nope! Just looked it up, sounds like a really neat topic. Interest levels at 7/10.

          • W.

            The real closure is historical (since they recently found The Terror IRL).

          • Joaquin Stick

            Ooh, an AMC series coming with Ridley Scott as an EP? I might have to get in on this before the hype train arrives.

          • W.

            Whoah, that I did not know.

          • Elizabeth Short

            I was definitely let down by the ending, especially after the patient slog that was preceeding 200+ pages where it could have been a lot more succinctly summed up as “It’s cold, we’re out of food, and we’re not sure how far away rescue might be. Also, that short guy is a dick.”

          • Yeah, it’s an out there film. I do love it though even if it makes hardly any sense. Random GIF for closure.

            http://p.fod4.com/p/media/undefined/it9by3z7QiGAQch8Tq0H_Cats%20and%20Dog%20Wait%20What.gif

          • Óðinn
          • Yup, one of my favorites. Such a soul draining movie.

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    JAjaja, what the hell?

  • Joaquin Stick

    Goddamnit 365. Can you write just one sentence that doesn’t make me laugh and look like the werido in my office, chuckling at my Outlook inbox because I keep having to minimize my browser.

  • This is a combination of two awful things – Alice Cooper and golf.

    • Eliza

      I liked Alice Cooper for a month or some four years ago. Never returned again.

      • You’ve made a wise decision here.

  • >This is Breitbart comments section bad.
    BUUUUUUUURRRNNN

  • JWEG

    If you really must have an Alice Cooper shirt get one of these. Support licensed merchandise.

    https://www.fright-rags.com/collections/alice-cooper

  • “This is talking about tech death on any day other than Thursday bad”.

    JAJAJAJAJA.

  • Waynecro

    Stale candy corn saved my life one time. True story.

    • Joaquin Stick

      Is there such a thing as not stale candy corn?

      • Waynecro

        Candy cornnoisseurs everywhere resent that remark.

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          Such an abomination.

      • W.

        Oh, you’re one of those people.

        • Joaquin Stick

          In fairness I like candy corn even though it tastes kinda stale. I’ll eat a few every year.

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        nope

  • Eliza

    This shirt kind of feels naive in its awfulness, like the people who made it sincerely tried to make a good bootleg. It didn’t work out.