Welcome to my nightmare.
This is the part of Shirt Stains where I would do a little introduction of the musician/band being featured or maybe pointing out the prevalence of ridiculous bootleg merch that you can find online. I’m not going to do that this time. No, sir, no ma’am, no way, no how. This… thing is beyond an introduction. It’s beyond a few lip service sentences trying to set the stage for the patented Shirt Stains 1-2 punch. It may, in fact, be beyond human comprehension.
What in the wide, wide world of sports is going on here? I know Alice Cooper likes to play golf, but that’s not what I mean. Why does this look like it was drawn by a Seaside Heights boardwalk artist that’s high on gas fumes and expired funnel cake mix? Why is Alice hitting his own head? Was it a horrible golfing accident? It’s still dripping, so his decapitation happened recently. The look of disappointment on his face makes me want to do better on my next math test and clean up my room. I’m sorry Alice! I tried! I’ll do better next time, I swear!
This tank top, if it in fact can be considered a tank top and not a war crime, comes to us from China via eBay. It’s so monstrously ugly that just by purchasing it, you violate several trade agreements and tariffs. At $10.79, you might think this is a steal. A small investment for something that will make your friends laugh when lighting your farts on fire loses its luster. Don’t do it. This bootleg comes from China which means it’s a 50/50 blend: 50% lead paint chips and 50% flammable children’s toys. Just wearing this tank top infects all of your electronics with malware.
Don’t allow the soft water colors to lull you into a sense of false security. This tank top is bad. This is Ripper Owens using Twitter bad. This is Lulu bad. This is talking about tech death on any day other than Thursday bad. This is stale candy corn bad. This is Breitbart comments section bad. What I’m really trying to say is that it’s not good.