Shirt Stains: Affliction Addiction

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Get your bro on.

Affliction is a men’s and women’s clothing company known for giant, blob-like and skull-covered print designs. Judging from their aggro word-salad of an “About” section on their website, they appeal to the Xtreeme off-roader MMA types. It’s for people that like the hideousness and commercialization of Ed Hardy but need something with an edge. The company teamed up with a bunch of metal bands to put out limited edition shirts.

 

Afflictiondeth
Megadethaffliction

 

What’s up, bro? I was thinking of bro-ing to the gym later if you want to get your pump on. Nah, it’s never leg day for me, bruh. Chicks don’t look at your legs. They just like big arms and huge pecs, nahwhatimean? I’ve already pounded down some Cake Batter Muscle Milk and ate 5 pounds of chicken, so I’m good. I just gotta pump myself up with some sweet tunes. Usually I listen to some death metal like Three Days Grace and Seether, but lately I’ve been listening to some old stuff.

You ever hear the song “Motopsycho” by Megadeth? I was working on my Kawaski when it came on my iheartradio app and was like ‘Bro, this is like fate or something cause I’m a total motopsycho too!’ This shirt is motopsycho as fuck, brah! It’s got that badass spooky mascot dude. What was his name? Eddie Rattlecock or something. Giant skull-faced motherfucker. Hell yeah, it’s sweet. It’s got chains and everything. All the ladies at the Candy Bar are gunna be like ‘Whoa, who’s this hot dude with the badass shirt? I totally want to watch him do deadlifts and pop wheelies in the high school parking lot.’ Nah, it doesn’t matter that it doesn’t say the band’s name on the front. It says Affliction and that’s good enough. Only the cool people will know what’s up when they see me walking into GNC.

Affliction Tendencies
suicidaltendenciesshirtstains

I don’t really know who Suicidal Tendies are. They got that song about Pepsi that’s ok, but I can’t really fist-pump to it, so whatever. Skateboarding is dumb. Get a pickup and roll coal like an adult, yo. I really got this one because it has a bunch of skulls on it. They look like they’re laughing which makes it even doper. It’s like “Death laughing at you” and stuff. That shit’s deep. Deep like me. Sometimes I just have these thoughts and feelings and I’m like “Whoa, I should write this stuff down and make it into a book and then make a ton of money and then my life will be like The Notebook.” You ever see that movie? I didn’t cry or nothing, but it was good. Also, I really like the mud brown color because it hides any bbq stains I might get on me.

Vulgar Display of Affliction
Panteraaffliction

Dude, this shirt is going to fuck your fucking cock up! Your junk is going to look like an Arby’s Big Montana once you’ve seen this awesome shirt. Yeah, I know it’s another skull, but this one is totally different. It has a cowboy hat on and the cowboy hat has barbed wire wrapped around it. Fuck, that’s so fucking tough I just want to get into a fight with someone smaller and weaker than me! As if this thing couldn’t be any more phat, it has two rattle snakes. Those are like the coolest snakes ever. I might get a rattlesnake tattoo on my lower back just so people can see I mean business when I do shoulder presses. You like horns? Good, because this shirt has four of ’em!

 

Panteraafflictionback

Just look at the back. It has the Fleur de Quebec Nordiques on it, some skull snakes, and pot leaves. I only drink Black Tooth Grins while wearing this shirt. I just shout “Dime!” at people for no reason while wearing this shirt. I do “Cowboys From Hell” at karaoke even when they don’t have it on the machine while wearing this shirt. I go to my Ultimate Kickball League games while wearing this shirt. Shitballs, if it’s ever legal to marry your shirt, I would get down on one knee for this babe.

Totally worth the $50.

Testaflliction
testamentaffliction

 

Broski, if you dig America, this shirt is for you. It’s like Captain America rubbed his sack all over this thing and made it patriotic. If they raised this shirt before a Bellator match, I would salute the fuck out of it. There’s nothing more American than a stretched-out skull with the red, white, and blue on it. Hope you like stars, because this bad boy has more stars than the AVN Awards. I’m going to wear this shirt on the Fourth Of July while eating hot dogs and blowing shit up. If I can rent an eagle, I’m totally going to win the internet because that’s what matters. Gunna wear this for when we tailgate outside the Godsmack show. Definitely going to get the thumbs up from everyone. Maybe even get my picture in the paper. Thanks Affliction!

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  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    There’s a Hellyeah Affliction shirt but it only comes in a box set at Best Buy.

  • Dubzlinger, Malandro

    Captain ‘Merika?

  • Everyone knows that Captain América is just another latino forcing himself to be a gringo after he spent 1 year living in the US.

    http://i.imgur.com/0o6piOa.jpg

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain
    • Mother Shabubu 4

      I feel like this is where zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz makes a long winded post about forced diversity as a way to remove borders and nationalities, making it easier for the New World Order to herd us into their net of lies and control.

      • I don’t know. Most stereotypical latino jokes and the reggaeton comes from Puerto Rico, so, the New World Order would be better to them.

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          The New World Order is 4 Life though! I still consider myself an NWO member.

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Juqm94sUV_E

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Oh shit.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            You liked these guys too? They were the best thing WCW ever thought up and they still screwed it up by making it go on too long.

        • A Most Curious Poo Poo Pile

          I don’t know about nowadays, but rock and metal was big when I lived there.

      • A Most Curious Poo Poo Pile
    • A Most Curious Poo Poo Pile

      LMAO! I’m a Puerto Rican gringo. :-p

  • Dagon

    As someone who used to be a hardcore MMA fan, I find Affliction tees atrocious. I hate this kind of cluttered design. Few brands in MMA gear had pleasing aesthetics, but they were still better than the bland, standardized Reebok gear UFC fighters are wearing now.

    It is better to have a shitty soul than none at all.

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      You think you can fight me, bro?!?!?!?!?

      • “YOU’RE GOING UP AGAINST AMERICA! YOU THINK YOU CAN BEAT AMERICA?”

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        Tapout is the only brand I consider worse than Affliction.

        • JamesGrimm

          walmart mma elite.

      • Dagon

        Hhaahhahaha

        Never cared much for Rothwell but seen him fight since the days of the extinct IFL.

      • tigeraid

        In fairness tho, that is Ben Rothwell and he would fuck you up. I don’t really have a problem with real fighters wearing whatever they’re sponsored by.

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          Your dose of reality is unsettling….

      • A Most Curious Poo Poo Pile

        Yep! Toilet shirts >>>>>>>>>>>>>> Tapout

  • The Haunting Presence of Tyree
    • The Haunting Presence of Tyree

      Play this loud if you have a dog and see what he/she does.

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        I shall do that.

    • Malted Hate

      Damn, I really can’t appreciate this song right now. Been waking up at 5/6 am every day this past week because the neighbor’s fucking dog keeps howling… and it sounds pretty similar to this.

      Great song though, really love it on Live at Pompeii. That dog is super cool.

  • Malted Hate

    Don’t know what y’alls problem is… all this shirts look scrumptious.

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      Are you serious?

      • Malted Hate

        yes (?)

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          Malted Hate plz! Affliction is too garish for me!

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro

            This has to stop.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I’ll stop. I still don’t get how anyone can like clothing like Affliction though.

          • Malted Hate

            Nah really, this type of clothing just fits well with my mullet (and ma soul).

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            You have a mullet?

          • Malted Hate

            . . .

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Danny McBride as Dimebag Darrell in HBO’s “Cowboys From Hell: The Pantera Story”

          • A Most Curious Poo Poo Pile
          • The Haunting Presence of Tyree
          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            My face!

          • Malted Hate

            That blue angel with the sparkles gets me hard, dog.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I can’t see how that could get anyone mildly hard.

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            I bet you popped a half chub when you saw the shirts.

          • A Most Curious Poo Poo Pile

            Did you get your TOH shirt?

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            I don’t really have a need for it. I pretty much only wear black or white shirts. I have a few band shirts/hoodies and I wear them rarely.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Is that shirt in the photo Bedazzled? It looks to be Bedazzled which is not something that should be on a man’s shirt.

  • I have actual friends in real life that have worn Affliction shirts. They are the worst kind of people.

  • OldMetalHead

    These aren’t great or anything, but they are at least less shitty than the average ones in this column.

  • The Haunting Presence of Tyree
  • All these shirts are great $9.99 buffet attire. They’ll have an affliction in their stomachs to go with their wardrobe.

  • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

    365 Days of kick ass one liners!

    I’ve already pounded down some Cake Batter Muscle Milk and ate 5 pounds of chicken, so I’m good.

    It’s like Captain America rubbed his sack all over this thing and made it patriotic.

    Your junk is going to look like an Arby’s Big Montana once you’ve seen this awesome shirt.

    I was working on my Kawaski when it came on my iheartradio app and was like ‘Bro, this is like fate or something cause I’m a total motopsycho too!’

  • Guppusmaximus

    I didn’t mind Affliction so much when they had their own MMA organization in which the Last Emperor (Fedor) fought for them. Unfortunately, I was too poor to buy one shirt for like 60+ bucks. I can’t hate on that Tendencies shirt but I probably am still too poor to buy one…oh well *sniff,sniff*

  • Waynecro

    Bruh, you better have had that protein, like, immediately after you got your pump on. That’s your postworkout window, bro. If you don’t slam your proteins the second you drop that bar, you will lose all the gainz.

  • tigeraid

    God dammit. I’ve been a huge MMA fan my whole life, and I’ve dabbled in kickboxing myself. Over the last few years I finally got the wife into watching MMA with me as well, and now it’s sort of our thing we bond over. And she wants to buy me every Tap-Out and Afflication shirt there is!!! And no matter how much I explain that I’m not douchey enough to wear them, and I’m not “that kind of MMA fan,” she just doesn’t seem to get it. 🙁