Set Phasers to FUN: A Star Wars Metal Playlist

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This’n mornin massa Jo Jo Binks told mesa to runna da bombad Stah Wars playlissa.

Ah, May the 4th, the annual reminder that that weird hairless ape George Lucas holds most of America’s balls in a vice tighter than Darth Vader’s Vulcan death pinch. For 5 years now, people who fancy themselves particularly clever have been greeting each other with “May the 4th be with you” in celebration of the biggest science fiction franchise ever. Interestingly, the number of locker-related violence has also been on the rise since 2011. There may be a correlation there.

You keep giving this man your money. (VIA)

Anyway, we here at Toilet ov Hell thought we’d get in on the action, so I’ve compiled a little selection of metal bands somehow related to Star Wars. Enjoy!

Hoth

Your tauntaun will freeze before you reach the first marker!

_____________

Vader

Now THIS is Podracing!

_____________

Sarlacc

Boba Fett? Boba Fett? Where?

_____________

Dagoba

Only a Sith deals in absolutes.

_____________

Spock’s Beard

You were the chosen one! It was said that you would destroy the Sith, not join them. You were to bring balance to the Force, not leave it in darkness!

  • Guacamole Jim
  • I’m a little apprehensive about the new Star Wars. On one hand, no George Lucas! On the other, JJ Abrams is good… But he’s not great. And that’s what a new Star Wars movie really needs to be. Eps 4-6 changed cinema forever, tacking anything on to that that is short of amazing is practically pointless.

    • Dr. W.’s Tentacles

      I’m not expecting anything groundbreaking. The franchise is too well-established.

      • ‘Groundbreaking’ can go dangle a carrot in front of Christopher Nolan. I want quality.

    • nbm02ss

      While I do enjoy a lot of JJ Abrams work, I’m getting pretty fucking tired of all the lens flare. It’s like when game developers discovered god rays.

      • I never actually noticed much lens flare when watching his movies. I must be blind or something.

    • If you go see it in theatres it will probably be worth it. That what I intend to do.

    • A Blue Whale’s Used Condom

      I wish Abrams would either get to a Cloverfield sequel or a Fringe movie. Fringe is in my top 5 all time favorite shows.

      • I don’t think there’s much demand for another Cloverfield, I recall a lot of people being put off because it wasn’t mind-blowing like the marketing lead them to believe.

        • A Blue Whale’s Used Condom

          I loved it, actually. Got smoked up with one of my friends when we went to go see it, lol. :-p

  • Reading an approximation of Jar Jar’s accent really drives home the racism. Here’s hoping we get more of that in these awful new movies.

    • I just want ewoks and Jar Jar’s. Do not give a fuck about anything else.

    • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

      I really hope he is. I can’t wait to see all the Salon and HuffPo articles feigning outrage about the racism behind his character.

      • A Blue Whale’s Used Condom

        Considering that Lucas is married to a black woman, it’d be kinda hard to paint him as anti-black.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    That CGI has NOT aged well

  • A Blue Whale’s Used Condom
    • Dr. W.’s Tentacles

      You know, every day I think i can’t be any more disappointed in you. Then you somehow manage to outdo yourself again.

    • Call the Slambulance

      Fuck you for elitism, but goddamnit your name is funny.

  • Related: Which character in the Star Wars movies is the most metal?
    Edit for clarification: I don’t mean literal metal, I mean in spirit/appearance.

    • M Shadows!

      R2d2 DUH

    • C-3P0
      *rimshot*

    • Mace Windu and Chewie, to me.

    • Sir Tapir the Based™

      Jar Jar Binks is the answer to every question.

    • Ahmed Johnson The Reef Eater

      Anakin in Episode 3 is the most metal. In the first two he’s more like pop rock. By episode 3 he had turned grindcore to me.

      • Sir Tapir the Based™

        More like whiny emo rock in Episode 3

        • Ahmed Johnson The Reef Eater

          Did you see him killing everything in sight by the end of the movie? That was very disturbing to 10 year old me.

          • Sir Tapir the Based™

            Did you see him whine? I sure did.

          • Guacamole Jim
          • Even my past-self was laughing at the sand dialogue. The only thing I liked of that movie was the final scene with the arena en the raining base where the clones were made. But that entire movie was such a disaster.

          • Call the Slambulance

            I don’t remember that movie looking so shitty. Weird.

      • This is definitely the wrong answer. Anything to do with Hayden Christensen is so far from metal.

        • Ahmed Johnson The Reef Eater

          I’m not referring to the person playing him, I’m talking specifically about his actions.

    • The Sarlacc. It slowly digests it victims while they are alive for a millennium. That’s metal as fuck.

      • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

        The Sarlacc is the drone doom of the Star Wars universe.

    • ” Your Hired” – Buzzfeed

    • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

      General Grievous is if you know his back story. Dude was a savage warlord on his planet, then gets re-animated by the Sith, hand-trained in the force and lightsabers, not to mention is this mantis-shaped mecha body.

    • A Blue Whale’s Used Condom

      Dark Helmet.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9o6rNEqe0qg

      Grabbing someone by the balls = none more metal! m/

  • I watched the Star Wars Christmas Special a couple of months ago. It’s never been officially released – I think you can only get it from copies people dubbed from taping the original broadcast. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen. Highly recommended.

    • Guacamole Jim

      With the Ewoks?

    • Spear

      That’s been a Christmas tradition in my circle of friends for the past few years. I think I’ve seen it four times now, and I’ve been sober for exactly 0 of those times.

      • Maik Beninton

        That’s a good tradition.

        • Spear

          And liver-crushing. I didn’t remember anything from the latter half of the movie until the third time through.

          • It really can’t be overstated HOW BAD this movie is. It’s extremely uncomfortable. Especially keyed up Mark Hammill.

          • Dr. W.’s Tentacles

            But bro, Boba Fett!

          • Spear
          • CyberneticOrganism

            GAH

          • A Blue Whale’s Used Condom

            WTF?!?! Is he unhinging his jaw like a boa constrictor?!

          • Scrimm

            BROba Fett

    • Oli Fucking Sykes, Son.
      • A Blue Whale’s Used Condom

        Lol, are they aware that they spelled ‘genius’ wrong the fist time around? Either way, this is some pretty sophisticated stuff!

        • Oli Fucking Sykes, Son.

          The show that’s from has that movie as one of the main plot points of the first half of the second season.
          Definitely watch it, its called Hardy Bucks, and its essentially Irish Trailer Park Boys, very funny.

          • A Blue Whale’s Used Condom

            I still haven’t seen Trailer Park Boys, as much as my friends have been singing it’s praises.

    • Max

      The funny thing is that when it came on TV during my childhood, I didn’t even see the problem. I seriously thought it was just as great as either IV or V (the only two movies out at the time I saw it).

      • Have you revisited it since?

        • Max

          I’ve read about it extensively and watched a few linked, grainy clips. Yes, it is as fantastically bad as everybody says. But it’s just always struck me how clueless I was that I didn’t see it that way at the time.

          A similar thing happened in Episode VI: Everybody now talks about how lame the Ewoks were; pretty much the equivalent of putting teddy bears or Muppets into Star Wars. I saw that film when I was 8 and it didn’t bother me. But a couple years later, when the Ewok movies rolled out, suddenly I could see how lame and “family-oriented” and cutesy it all was. I suppose that’s just from getting older. It’s often said that Star Wars can be enjoyed whether you’re 7, 17 or 70 and that’s true; but you’ll enjoy it for different reasons.

          • Dr. W.’s Tentacles

            I had a similar reaction to the Tri-Star American Godzilla film in 1998. 10-year-old me thought it was an amazing update to the old monster movies I would watch with my dad.

    • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

      Twelve?

      • It is a sign of the Illuminati……
        12 Upvotes……
        12 Bars…..
        12 Bricks…….
        WOOOOHOOOO……..
        12 Bricks.

        • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

          Dude I’m obsessed with that song now. It’s become my “M. SHADOWS!” or “MATT DAMON”.

          • I fully understand. I shared it with everyone in my office today. They, uh, they didn’t seem to get it.

          • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

            Hey, not everyone was on board with Jesus at first either.

  • A Blue Whale’s Used Condom
    • Ahmed Johnson The Reef Eater

      Kim Jong plz!

      • A Blue Whale’s Used Condom

        Kim Jong, plz, give me another? 😉

  • Dagon

    There’s also a Russian experimental sludge band called General Grievous. Some of their stuff touches on Black Crown Initiate’s latest record, very modern extreme metal.

    https://generalgrievous.bandcamp.com/

  • Simon “Djentcrusher” Phoenix

    Not gonna lie. Brienne of the First Order is looking kinda badass.

  • JWG

    To paraphrase the Simpsons: of the four ‘Star’ franchises (Wars, Trek, Gate, and Search), ‘Wars’ is easily my third favourite.

  • Tyree

    So brutal. Seriously, this shit is horrifying.

    http://www.digitalartwork.no/therpf/SWSarlaccpit/20141217_142005.jpg

    • Sir Tapir the Based™

      Looks just like my mom.

      • Dr. W.’s Tentacles

        -Bojangles.

    • Oli Fucking Sykes, Son.

      Dude, I’m into vagina, not dick. Send me some sweet tits if you want my attention.

    • Looks like Carrie Fishers pussy now.

    • Maik Beninton

      A big desert vagina that swallows manhole.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Sarlacc’s musical equivalent = Portal

  • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

    Those prequels ruined Darth Vader for me. Now he’s this vulnerable love puppy who couldn’t stand the idea of losing his girlfriend, and was easy taken advantage of because of it. Leave that kind of character trait to the animes.

    • Guppusmaximus

      I dunno, Motoko Kusanagi never had that issue and there are far more episodes of Ghost in the Shell than there are of Star Wars. How else can they explain away his bastard son?? LOL

      • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

        I have to get around to watching Ghost in the Shell. I heard it’s really good.

        Over the last two summers I’ve watched Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, FLCL, Tokyo Ghoul, about four episodes of Soul Eater, and I’m seven episodes into Bleach after watching a bunch of the fights on YouTube. I should put GITS on my watch list.

        • Guppusmaximus

          Yea, imo, GITS is rather superior in terms of a series (Arise, Complex) and also a stellar set of movies. It ranks right up there with Ninja Scroll, Paprika & Appleseed – Ninja Scroll’s TV series was phenomenal. But, I can’t really watch any other anime series because they are pretty much immature (just my .02). The only other one I could kind of get into was High School of the Dead except for the goofy chick lust.

          • A Blue Whale’s Used Condom

            I wish like hell that they’d make a series out of Paprika, or at least a sequel. They definitely left alot of room for one.

          • Guppusmaximus

            Unfortunately, Satoshi Kon passed away from Cancer back in 2010,so, while it may not be impossible for a sequel it definitely would be difficult to duplicate his vision. Yea, Paprika was such an intense thriller for a movie with a silly name. It was a movie cover judgement moment for myself…

          • A Blue Whale’s Used Condom

            And it had more than a healthy dose of surrealism. Sad to hear he passed.

          • Guppusmaximus

            So true… That movie was a complete mind fuck. I don’t want to spoil it for anyone who hasn’t seen it, but, it’s fucking trippy as hell. It’s real easy to overlook the amazing underlying Sci-Fi story due to all the wild scenes.

          • EsusMoose

            I think you need to watch inferno cop

          • Guppusmaximus

            I’m always looking for killer new mature anime.

            Edit: Well played sir, well played:)

          • EsusMoose

            Fairly certain it’s too mature

          • Guppusmaximus

            This trolling has gone on for far too long now. I demand that you stop, good sir:)

          • EsusMoose

            On a serious note: Shigurui’s anime is suppose to fantastic. I read the manga and it was a great samurai drama violence thing.

          • Guppusmaximus

            I started watching the first episode (english dubbed) and the artwork reminds me of Ninja Scroll. So far, it’s intriguing and the gore factor is right up there. Thanks for the heads up!

          • EsusMoose

            Your welcome, I may have to look into ninja scrolls and probably get around to actually watching the anime of this

          • Guppusmaximus

            Yea, Ninja Scroll is beautifully drawn, the plot is great & the violence and gore is fantastic. It is truly a classic. Plus, the TV series did it justice as well. One of my favs.

            On a cheesy note: You have to watch fist of the North Star. It didn’t hold up over time but I loved it when I was a teen. Unfortunately, the dubbed versions were harder to come by.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qR3VUtWTn4o

          • EsusMoose

            All I know about FotNS is that he punches people and they explode and that it inspired Jojo’s bizarre adventure, which is a strange ride.

        • A Blue Whale’s Used Condom
          • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

            I wish Death the Kid was the main character instead of that girl.

            My favorite thing about Bleach so far is that every fight is like this:
            *sword strike or magic*
            *banter and shit talking*
            *another punch*
            *banter and shit talking*
            *transformation*
            *banter and shit talking*
            *two attacks, someone getting their ass kicked*
            *banter and shit talking*
            *another transformation*
            etc

            It’s like DBZ on roids.

          • EsusMoose

            with bleach after fight 20 it gets kinda of annoying, more so when you actually read it. The first 30-40 episodes are fun though

          • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

            I really like the Arrancar fights I’ve been watching. I think I’m gonna go there once I finish the first season.

            Is Bleach like Tokyo Ghoul where the anime skips around and leaves out a lot of important stuff you get from the manga?

          • EsusMoose

            No, the anime adds a small mountain range of filler arcs. The manga is far from concise at times and fights drag on, and so does the anime. So from a manga to anime transition stand point they did a decent job. I’d personally recommend sticking with nonfiller stuff but everyone has their own tastes so you may enjoy the filler. But the arrancar arc is pretty great

        • J.R.

          Gotta watch Steins;Gate bruh

    • Disregard other anime, acquire Gundam

  • Call the Slambulance

    “Set phasers to stun” is a Star Trek thing, ya turkey.

  • Guppusmaximus

    Ummm…that Spock’s Beard album was loosely based on the movie Powder.

    • Dr. W.’s Tentacles

      Which Episode is that?

      • Guppusmaximus

        The one that the first three couldn’t add up to:)

  • Scrimm
    • Dr. W.’s Tentacles

      I saw them on band camp, but that album art was way NSFW

      • A Blue Whale’s Used Condom

        Looking at their FB, and must say that their artwork is definitely high art! It’s subtle yet sophisticated.

      • Scrimm

        This is true. All of their stuff is.

    • Count_Breznak

      My thoughts exactly !

  • HessianHunter

    GAAHHH I forgot about this! Gnarly Star Wars themed tech grind. https://billpulmonaryembolism.bandcamp.com/

  • BLACKENEDBEARD, THE XXX

    Nerds

    • Sir Tapir the Based™

      Big talk coming from a nerd.

      • BLACKENEDBEARD, THE XXX

        That’s what a nerd would say.

        • Sir Tapir the Based™

          It takes one to know one.

          • BLACKENEDBEARD, THE XXX

            *Vulcan mind-melds you

            Star Trek lyfe, f@gz!

          • Sir Tapir the Based™

            I’ve never actually watched Star Trek.

          • BLACKENEDBEARD, THE XXX

            nerd

          • Sir Tapir the Based™

            Christian fundamentalist.

          • BLACKENEDBEARD, THE XXX

            Human

          • Sir Tapir the Based™

            Nazi

          • BLACKENEDBEARD, THE XXX

            I did just shave my head. So much hot. Bring our winter back! Also, has you heard this new one?

            https://youtu.be/6fv–PsYpak

          • Sir Tapir the Based™

            I want my friend winter to come back too. My nose can’t stand the spring and it’s way too warm. I need to check that one out, haven’t heard it.

          • A Blue Whale’s Used Condom

            Same here with the sinuses, and smoking definitely isn’t helping.

          • A Blue Whale’s Used Condom
          • CyberneticOrganism

            *wheezes heavily for 15 minutes*

          • A Blue Whale’s Used Condom

            *goes into full blown Woody Allen panic mode*

          • A Blue Whale’s Used Condom

            You know what’s up! #StarWarsisLolbuttz

    • A Blue Whale’s Used Condom

      ….

  • A Blue Whale’s Used Condom

    *you know the drill, nerds! The locker is hungry for nerdy flesh!*

    http://www.gifbin.com/bin/042013/reverse-1366655161_locker_shot.gif

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    star wars christmas special 1978—a winter festival “occult”‘ ritual—showing the new truce between star wars’ producers and pbs—-which would eventually create the situation to where it’s “master” (yoda) was voiced by frank oz (sesame street main puppet voice)–

    a procurement of govt funds–for movie budgets—and the first tie in with the “dark side”– the secret black op kabbalah tv cult—controlled by rockefeller/u.n. occultists—towards totalitarian civil obedience—and world domination—(post vietnam/jfk)—-

    tv in the 70s—the beginning of hippie mind control tactics—-yet the drug wars and the “fear”had not yet penetrated it’s realms——>one meme during those times was the use of bigfoot/wookie type themes in cartoon programming—

    this was taken to its ultimate pinnacle with chaka on the show “land of the lost” and chewbacca on “star wars”—–nature beasts combined with “id” energy—as a means to use suggestion—to control kid tv audiences

    —–

    here are a couple of clips from those times—-the star wars christmas special—was actually a celebration of the new alliance between star wars–and the pbs “tv police’–combining a wookie family—with footage showing wookies “obeying the tv”–and taking orders from it——taking any artistic edge/independence from the star wars concept—and setting the stage for empire strikes back—-which was a world showcase of the rise of evil–and destroying the “rebellion” and it’s troublesome meme—

    -l—-a defeat—-surrealistic soul destruction

    000

    also heres a clip from the chaka “wookie” from the land of the lost—in a reverse situation of the clip from 2001 a space oddyssey–showing the rise of man

    in reverse—-completely inducing fear of “individual growth/curiousity”–in the infant wookies/tv audience—in those days of the peak of occult energy/black sabbath/hippie chicks

    both at once
    https://youtu.be/wIBkRs3pPKI

    https://youtu.be/sFo48PouPmE

  • A Blue Whale’s Used Condom

    Totally unrelated, but this video is hilariously bad. Love their music, but even by 80’s standards this is lolbuttz.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VxXW6i8jkJ0&list=PLdENr5FYUTnIlyV67D88zAZ_UaXy7-1QN&index=40

  • pïgchop™

    May the fourth be with you!

  • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

    “the annual reminder that that weird hairless ape George Lucas holds most of America’s balls in a vice tighter than Darth Vader’s Vulcan death pinch.” haha! good stuff!