Saltatio Mortis – Wachstrum Uber Alles: A Video Breakdown

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Actung, baby!

Napalm Records never fails to bring both the lols and the wtfs. Due to the magic of Youtube recommendations this wonderful piece of artwork came to my attention. I’ve been waiting to do this breakdown for a long time. Just look at the face in that main image. Look at it! You know this is going to be a joy.

I can’t say I know all that much about Saltatio Mortis. Saltatio Mortis is a German medieval/folk metal band on Napalm Records. My Latin is a little bit rusty, but I think their name means either “Dance of death”, “salty corpse” or “Look at these goofy Deutchbags”. I think you’ll agree that all three are acceptable. Still unsure? Saltatio Mortis has 8 members, and more than one plays the bagpipes.

 

0:08: Eyes Wide Lolbuttz
0:11: The Burger King has got nothing on this guy.
0:14: Saltatio Mortis’s headgear is just top notch right now.
0:17: What’s in the box?! What’s in the box?!?
0:21: Way to make bass players even lamer.
0:25: “Eeeehehehehehe… oh, sorry. I was just thinking about something I saw on Big Bang Theory last night.”
0:27: A steampunk bagpiper player. This just created a rip in the space-time dorktinuum.
0:32: “Here, hold my goblet of Mountain Dew: Livewire for a sec.”
0:33: Jesus, it just keep getting worse!
0:37: It’s like the band was hit by a bus carrying Rosie O’Donnell’s “adult time” costumes.
0:39: And the force of that bus slammed them through a wall and into an Estonian goth club on Fetish Night.
0:43: The definition of “man-spreading”.
0:46: When you’re talking to your glass, it’s time to cut out the Peppermint Schnapps.
0:50: Tom Cruise feeds his kids the same way.
0:55: Man, life really goes to hell when you don’t have internet.
0:58: I believe we can call that a “Medieval Merol” face. It’s an answer to the “Black Merol” face.
1:01: Dude, stop trying to make “Steampunk bagpiper fetch” happen.
1:04: You ever think his pseudo-devilock ever accidentally gets into his mouth?
1:12: Saltatio Mortis: Clear supporters of the “Free The Nipple” campaign.
1:16: And do you ever think his chin devilock gets in his mouth too?
1:20: What I’m saying is that his mouth is probably full of all sorts of things.
1:25: Apparently, gold food is high in transfats.
1:29: I take it back. That’s the face of Medieval Merol.
1:30: Jesus, Gunter, what did we tell you?
1:37: They’ve got to be sneaking him golden Doritos or something.
1:44: Just when I think we’ve found Medieval Merol face, they pull me back in.
1:50: The goggles on the top hat are nice touch. Real helpful. Goes great with his steam-powered unicycle.
1:55: Why did it take almost 2 minutes for us to see the creepiest person in this video? He’s like a Renaissance Paul Orndorff.
1:58: Never accept a drink from a stranger. Double never accept a drink from a stranger that looks like this guy.
2:07: Faygo: Chamber Pot
2:15: Whoop whoop!
2:18: He’s two seconds away from tying one of those ladies to train tracks.
2:26: “Hahaha, metaphors!”
2:27: Was… was that a hurdy gurdy?
2:34: How has this not become a reality show on Fox? “Feed The Fatty” is right up their alley.
2:40: At this point, I think the singer should be given the AVN lifetime achievement award in facials.
2:43: His jiggling is almost hypnotic.
2:49: That’s some real purty lipstick you’ve got on.
2:56: Yup! That’s a hurdy gurdy. A hurdy fucking gurdy.
3:04: “Run or else ve vill get der fatty-fatness too, ja?”
3:08: “FAAATTTHEERRR… HUG YOUR SON!!!!!”
3:17: What, is the stick made out of chocolate or something?
3:22:… Damn it, Gunter.
3:25: No one’s going to help him?
3:28: So much for the famous German hospitality we hear so much about.
3:31: This is how we say “goodbye” in Germany.
3:35: Not his douche-crown, nooooo!
3:41: Gasp! He was made out of blueberry pie this entire time!
3:43: Hahahahahahahahaha.
3:47: And now “Dudelsack” will become part of my regular vocabulary.
3:50: I’ll bet the Germans have a very specific word for this video.

Saltatio Mortis’s album “Das Schwarze Einmaleins” is out now via Napalm Records.

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  • CyberneticOrganism

    GAH!

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    Fucking Napalm Records. Fucking videos in 2015.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Napalm Records makes porn?

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        That would be a positive….

  • Mvthvr Shvbvbv 8

    *sees Napalm records logo*

    http://i.imgur.com/JgKjoVZ.gif

  • Waynecro

    You just know the singer was that kid in middle school who got sent to the principal’s office every day for biting people and showing everyone his wiener.

    • Mvthvr Shvbvbv 8

      He was probably that weird kind of kid that by default hung out with the nerdy/future school shooter crowd. Anything he did was for attention, or his parents blamed on “ADHD”.

      • Waynecro

        I remember one kid who had a cool Nintendo watch but always got in trouble for eating the skin on his lips and shitting his pants. He’d be walking around with blood all over his mouth and shit in his pants, but he was kicking ass at Nintendo.

        • Mvthvr Shvbvbv 8

          Where did you go to school? In a Lars Von Trier film?

          • Waynecro

            San Diego, California, actually. Shit was nuts, man. I was a good kid, but I got expelled for trying to perform an exorcism. A kid told me he was possessed by Satan and bashed my face into a desk (it knocked out one of my teeth). I was, like, six at the time.

          • Mvthvr Shvbvbv 8

            So he bashed your face into a desk, yet you got expelled?

          • Waynecro

            Yeah, because I tried to cast the devil out of him. That, apparently, was more unacceptable than physical violence. I was probably a year or two younger than this kid. He kicked my ass and told me he had the devil in him. I thought I acted fairly logically.

          • Vote for Jeb

            Did the exorcism work?

          • Waynecro

            Well, the kid started screaming and ran away, which prevented him from kicking my ass further. I would call it a success.

          • Mvthvr Shvbvbv 8

            This is such a Larry King question.

          • This is one hell of a story, Wayne!

          • Waynecro

            Thanks, dude. I’ve got a million of ’em.

          • Give us another. Pronto!

          • Waynecro

            But no one will buy my book if I give away all the stories now!

  • ME GORAK B.C.™

    GORAK HIT PLAY!!!!!! GORAK AM SORRY 🙁 !!!!!!!!!!

  • Mvthvr Shvbvbv 8
    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      Fuck.

  • In a music climate which already sustains ample bands who claim that they “cannot make a living” through music, a sure fire way to really make sure you do not make a single penny is by having 8 members in your “Medieval Folk Metal” band.

    • BEARD-SPLITTER

      The requirement for folk metal is now at least 8 members. Bonuses for an animal or more, and for not being from the place from whence that folk originates

      • ALRIGHT GUISE, WE MADE $50 TONIGHT. WHICH MEANS EACH U’LL GETS $6.25. OR WE CAN ALL BUY BEERS AND CHIPS WITH OUR DOLLAS. EITHER WAY- WE ARE FUCKED.

        • BEARD-SPLITTER

          JOHN, TIME TO PAWN YOUR HURDY GURDY AGAIN

          • $6.25??? I CANNOT EVEN BUY ME FUCKING STRINGS WITH DAT!!!!

          • BEARD-SPLITTER

            Youre telling me its worth more as firewood or a paperweight!? Have some respect, man!

          • Mvthvr Shvbvbv 8

            200$? I don’t know…I gotta make a profit. Let me have my friend come look at it. He’s a Hurdy Gurdy expert.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Discussions like this are the reason I never* want to go on tour.

          * I still want to go on tour.

    • Mvthvr Shvbvbv 8

      The lack of hurdy gurdy is the reason they will never make bank.

      Or it could be that they make average to local band level metal and use the folk instruments to play a part that could easily be played on guitar or keyboards. Dropkick Murphys made bank off that gimmick (obvs different genre though).

      • Herr Schmitty

        As you said, dif. genre, but man did the Murphys cash in for a bunch of fat old American Irish. Capitalized on Boston’s Ireland fetish with solid rock/ska/whatever and a lyrical emphasis on New England institutions like sports and social services!

        I… like the Murphys. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HzF0hHb7xMc

        • more beer

          The reason I like them is…. They drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and fight..

        • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

          The Blackhawks will be playing that one song when we win again. 😉

        • Guppusmaximus

          Actually, in The Murphy’s defense, they started out playing legitimate Punk Rock in the Boston scene. They always had that strong Irish flair present and while I agree that they watered their sound down to capitalize on the love of the Irish in Bean Town, they really did present something pretty original that spawned a bunch of copy cats. Seriously, though, their working class / political stuff wasn’t going to get them any further financially and could’ve been misconstrued as anti-Boston. Plus, Al Barr couldn’t keep up the level of aggression and Punk Rock ferocity that Mike McColgan brought to the table. They were amazing live w/ him and I was bummed when he left to become a firefighter. He probably knew there was no real success for him in that business… Just my opinion.

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Y9B_NHs6Ng

    • CyberneticOrganism

      I don’t know, they could really rake it in playing renaissance faires.

    • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

      I dunno, Fintroll is still making a living. When I saw them live, there were at least 7 members.

  • Maik Beninton™

    “The face of medieval merol”. HA!
    This will go to the archives.

    http://www.toiletovhell.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/SaltatioMortis-e1446596640208.jpg

      • Mvthvr Shvbvbv 8

        “HOW TALL ARE YOU?”

        “5’9”, sir!”

        “I DIDN’T KNOW THEY STACKED SHIT THAT HIGH!”

        • Boss the Ross

          “It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your mama’s ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattres!”

          • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

            I have to wonder what Full Metal Jacket would be like now that gays are allowed to serve openly.

            “Are you a Peter Puffer?”
            “Sir, yes sir!”
            “Well, that’s perfectly acceptable, private”

          • Boss the Ross

            Haha, this comment is funny.

          • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample
        • Maik Beninton™

          HA!

          • CyberneticOrganism

            *beeeeelch*

      • BEARD-SPLITTER

        Vincent Donofrio>>>>>>>

        • Vote for Jeb

          HOLY CRAP!

          • BEARD-SPLITTER

            ??

          • Vote for Jeb

            Never knew that was him.

          • Guppusmaximus

            I had that same reaction regarding MIB

      • Guppusmaximus
        • sweetooth0

          “Hey Edgar, yer skin’s hangin’ off yer bones”

          • Guppusmaximus

            MIB was really a great movie. Didn’t care so much for the sequels but the original is fantastic. I think it’s been long enough to watch it again.

            Edit: And Donofrio is off the chain…

    • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

      It’s Stiffler from ‘American Pie’!!!

  • ProfoundHatred

    I can’t believe I took a break from studying to watch this. Now my brain has turned to mush and I’m going to fail my exam.

    • Welcome to the Toilet, ProfoundHatred!

      GL

    • Guppusmaximus

      That might happen repeatedly if you continue to visit this site…Just warning you. *smirk*

    • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

      Vienbenidos a la Toilet!

    • Eliza

      I’m glad I have no exams tomorrow, because I would have been in the exact situation.

  • Today just got better! I was just told by my manager that I’m moving to another desk across the office. I need to be moved over there by tomorrow afternoon. Fucking so much hooray!!! Good thing 5 years worth of accumulated shit has to all move.

  • JWEG

    Or, watch this instead:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PT0I2IDmsFM

    If this Short comedic horror (as opposed to horror-comedy – watch and you’ll see why I make the distinction) doesn’t remind you simultaneously of one of those terrible 80’s sorority slashers AND ‘Death Bed: The Bed that Eats’ then you… probably haven’t seen the same so-bad-they’re-good films I have.

    Not that it’s actually all that much like either, it just borrows a bit from both premises and pulls off something that’s both homage and parody (kind of like ‘The Editor’ was to the giallo film).

    • Guppusmaximus

      3 words: Slumber Party Massacre m/ m/

      • JWEG

        A classic. Mildly ruined by reading up on the screenwriter via Wikipedia… but still a classic.

        • Guppusmaximus

          Yea, I started off with the sequel and can’t remember enough of the film to say what it is,but, I think it’s worthy of a name drop. For cheesy slasher movie history sake.

    • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample
  • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

    Stiffler’s getting desperate now that the American Pie money has dried up.

  • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

    We are talking about the Napalm Records who gave us this masterpiece.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwhPOlIuSXM

  • Eliza

    Das ist sehr seltsam.