Rum Ham vs. Crowtein – Who Wore It(‘s Always Sunny) Best?


In Kurt Vonnegut’s 1963 novel Cat’s Cradle, a central tenet of the religion of Bokononism is that one’s life is deeply interconnected to others in a unit that revolves around a singular object called a “wampeter”. Most individuals spend their lives blissfully unaware of what their wampeter is, while a special few are astute enough to discern its identity. I’m not a religious man myself, but some “coincidences” are just too much to explain away rationally, which has me thinking a bit like a Bokononist and following the clues the universe has left for me about my purpose in life. The life of a touring musician is strange, but not strange enough to account for a phenomena as curious as what I’ve witnessed on multiple occasions in disparate sectors of these great United States. Without a doubt, the wampeter around which my life surely revolves is It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia themed grindcore bands.

Back in 2015, I saw Rum Ham completely obliterate an empty Boston sportsbar during a hastily thrown-together weekday show. Rum Ham features beastly former Hivesmasher drummer Tim Brault, along with three of Massachussets’ other most talented shredders. The one-two punch of solitary studio recording Rum Shits is classic, pummeling grind just how I like to hear it – metal-as-fuck dissonant guitar shredding propelled by manic, punk-as-fuck drumming.


Seeing Rum Ham was a powerful experience, certainly, but only after playing a dingy basement with Indiana’s Crowtein in 2016 did it dawn on me that the wampeter which connects me to my karass must, without a doubt, in fact be grungy metalpunks with an affinity for the longest running live action scripted sitcom in television history.

Crowtein has the heaviest live sound I have ever heard from two-piece hardcore band. They fill my belly full of fight milk and make my heart soar as only the crow can. They created the 12 minute release King Ov The Rats in a single 45 minute writing session. If you don’t want to shotgun every Hamm’s on the planet and punch the floor to the righteously ignorant stomp of “The Gang Beats Boggs”, I don’t know what good can come of your life.

You know what, fuck Bokononism. Crowtein is my new religion.


Give an e-fistbump to Rum Ham here and to Crowtein here, then add their records to your Bandcamp collection by going here and here.

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  • tigeraid
  • Señor Jefe El Rossover

    Good content is good.

  • Joaquin Stick

    Speaking of Bokononism, when I was an editor for a creative writing journal in college, some dope tried to submit a piece of fiction that was just a list of tenets of the fake religion, maybe with a few of his own thrown in there, with no explanation of what it was. My dopey co-editors were all set to accept it for the edition until I pointed out that like 90% of it was just straight ripped from Vonnegut with no attribution. The dude then submitted it again the next year! I should go see if it got accepted after I left.

  • IronLawnmower

    I almost started my own always sunny themed noisegrind band but ended up being too lazy and stupid to be funny.

  • Did crowtein do deadlifts on stage when you played with them?

    • Joaquin Stick

      Holy shit. That’s brilliant.

    • HessianHunter

      Yes. They also put a case of Hamm’s on the ground and demanded we drink it all before their set was done.

      • HessianHunter

        This is all visible in the live footage at the end of the article, including a very sweaty pumpkin baby dancing and guzzling lukewarm beer

        • Howard Dean

          Haha, are you the dude that puts the empty beer box on your head?

          • HessianHunter


  • My wampeter is The Toilet. If you’re reading this, so is yours.

  • BobLoblaw
  • Eliza

    So, these things exist. Cool.

  • Ike The Spike(KJM)

    Fuck it, gonna start a Twin Peaks-inspired Stoner Doom band called BOB.

  • Dumpster Lung

    Whoa!!!!!!!!!!! I need this in my life!

  • I found Crowtein while browsing BC a whiiiile back. Songs and lyrics fucking rule.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Yay. It’s Always Sunny! Charlie is my favorite character.