Ronnie Coleman Should be the Next President of the United States

The time has come for a truly strong leader to take the throne from the current crop of pretenders.

Just look at the nebulous platitudes of our current crop of doughy, ineffectual candidates. Make America Great Again. Sounds like more loser talk from a bald serial-bankruptcy declarer. Hillary for America. Clinton’s campaign manager must be the smartest political thinker in the entire 5th grade class. Reigniting the Promise of America. Ted Cruz can only achieve orgasm by burning sleeping homeless men to death. A true leader has no need for these empty phrases. No, a true leader stands by a simple code of ethics that already inspires millions the world over on a daily basis: Ain’t nothin’ to it but to do it. That’s fucking leadership. Ronnie Coleman should be the next president of this great union.

Sound unbelievable? The data says otherwise. Arnold Schwarzenegger went from being a promiscuous young Austrian on muscle beach to Governor of California without a lick of political experience. Jesse “The Body” Ventura was a professional wrestler, well-versed in the art of weightlifting and completely ignorant to the ways of government. He overcame this obvious handicap to become Governor of Minnesota. Martin O’Malley and Paul Ryan, two physically fit, yet poorly-politically fit men have risen to high ranks as Governor of Maryland and Speaker of the House respectively. Ryan even convinced 47% of the country that his aggressively regressive taxation plans were the work of a genius, strictly due to his slightly above-average looks and this weak-ass workout spread in Time Magazine:

Paul Ryan Sucks

I cannot stop vomiting

If these men can achieve high levels of political office due to their physical appearance, it makes perfect sense that Ronnie Coleman, one of the greatest bodybuilders of all time and a living monument to physical perfection, would win a crushing landslide victory over any challenger.

Based on Donald Trump’s enormous wins this primary season, it is obvious that much of the United States demands an authoritative figure to lead them from the current troubles the country faces. Unfortunately for those Trump-voting dunderheads, Trump is a fascist moron. His constant bragging about his success in business is a pile of lies and bullshit. Donald Trump has never won a single International Federation of Bodybuilding competition, much less an unprecedented 26 IFBB wins like Mr. Coleman. Furthermore, has Donald Trump, ever once in his life lifted? Dear reader, I assure you he has not.

Americans clearly want a strong, authoritative leader. What could be stronger and more authoritative than a grown man flexing his 300 pounds of pure goddamn American muscle directly in Putin’s dipshit face while wearing nothing but a G-string? Had Ronnie Coleman taken the place of John F. Kennedy, the Cold War would have ended as soon as those commie bastards took one hard look at our president’s bulbous obliques instead of poor Kennedy’s Addison’s-ravaged frame.


Fidel Castro would shit down his green britches

Bernie Sanders is a well-meaning but physically decrepit old man. Hillary Clinton is a corporate tool who can’t even squat her own bodyweight. It’s impossible to gaze upon Ted Cruz’s lumpy visage without feeling a sickening wave of physical revulsion. Compare his sallow countenance with that of a modern god, Ronnie Coleman, and ask yourself who you most trust to lead our great nation to success. Ronnie Coleman has the mental and physical strength to perfect his body in a way that is unprecedented among humans. With his sharp mind, chiseled body, and indomitable wit, he can carry this country on his god-like shoulders.

Ronnie Coleman is an artist and his canvas is his own ripped-to-shreds flesh and blood. He deserves your vote, America. President Coleman will deliver more than just progress. He will deliver logical progression. And after 8 years of a new era of American prosperity under his swollen guidance, two new candidates will be eligible to run for our highest office. The Great Society will begin anew.


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