Rollin’ Coal with Dave Grohl

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Ever wanted to get some advice from rock and roll legend and master of total awesomeness, Dave FRICKIN’ Grohl?* You’re in luck! Recently, members of the Toilet ov Hell Facebook group submitted questions for modern rock icon Dave Grohl. The nicest, most awesome guy in all of music was kind enough to answer some of your plebeian questions. Sip advice from this ever-flowing font of positivity and good vibes. I think we can all agree that Dave is amazing and none of us are worthy.

Grohl Badass 101

 

Dave, what are your thoughts on dadbods and manbuns? –Edward

Fuck yeah, man. You motherfuckers probably don’t know this, but I’m a fuckin’ dad. Relax though, I’m a COOL dad. I still know how to fuckin’ rock, OK? Don’t get that shit twisted. You’ve just gotta express yourself how the rock n’ roll makes you feel, man. Because that’s all that matters. The rock, man. And how the rock makes you feel.

Grohl Kids

 

Dave, what is the best song Radiohead never wrote? — Steve

I really respect Radiohead as musicians, y’know? I’ve never listened to their music. Don’t care for a bunch of fuckin’ bleep bloop computer noises, but I really respect those guys. Anyway, the best song Radiohead never wrote is “Big Me”. Cuz I fuckin’ wrote that song.

Grohllin'

 

Dave, is this rash contagious? –Zack

MAN, I’ll fuckin’ tell you what’s contagious, alright? And that’s fuckin’ rock and roll, man. Since the dawn of time, nothing has been more compelling than just fuckin’ four dudes in a room with some instruments fuckin’ wailing on some 4/4 blues-based music. You think the fuckin’ moon landing could have happened without some fuckin’ Foo jamming in Neil Armstrong’s spacesuit? NO WAY. That rash? Pure fuckin’ rock and roll, brother. Embrace it.

fuck-glee-where-did-all-the-rock-bands-go

 

Dave, should I hire someone to do my taxes or do them myself? –George

Man, look at me. I dropped outta fuckin’ high school. Back then, I was listening to really, really fucked up music like fuckin’ SLAYERRRR. Back then, literally no one else in the world was into punk fuckin’ rock. I’m all about the music, man, so I don’t know nothin’ about BUSINESS or TAXES. That’s for fuckin’ suits, man. Are you a fuckin’ suit? I bet you are, you fuckin’ chicken finger-eating motherfucker. Anyway, I’m worth about a quarter billion, so I’ve got a guy that does it for me. Highly recommend him.

Dave-Grohl-Quote

 

What’s the key to world peace, stopping hunger, global warming, cancer, and AIDS? –Scott

Brother, I’ll tell you exactly what I told Jonas Salk when he was trying to invent a vaccine for fuckin’ polio: “You can do this, man. You can do this if you believe in yourself and you believe in fuckin’ rock n’ roll.” And you know what that little nerd did? He started a hard rockin’ power trio. Yeah, they put out an EP, gigged a bit up and down East coast, opened up for fIREHOSE once. He didn’t have to fuckin’ audition for American Idol to do that. That’s the fuckin’ power of rock n’ roll, man. I later finished his work on the vaccine but gave ol’ Jonesy credit. What can I say? I’m a nice guy.

Grohl

 

Dave, what’s THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST in life? –Daniel

Fuckin’, fuckin.

grohl dave

 

Dave, I am a really nice guy but all the girls around me just date jerks. How can I get out of the friendzone and convince these girls that nice guys like me are better for them than jerks? –Tommy

Man, all you gotta fuckin’ do is get in the garage with your friends, some shitty old equipment and start banging out some fuckin’ rock and roll, man. You just need to become the fifth drummer in a band that’s been gradually gaining acclaim for a long fuckin’ time, and start putting out ROCK N’ ROLL records, y’know? You’ll sell millions of fuckin’ albums and get the financial freedom and notoriety to do what you really wanna do, man. From there, the women will just flock to you. It’s really that fuckin’ simple, man.

Grohl gif

 

Dave, your existence seems to disprove atheism. Your thoughts? –Wes

Brother, there’s only one true god, ok? And that’s rock and fuckin’ roll. When I got bored of my eternal existence, just watchin’ bacteria mutate and multiply, I got down to business and invented the fuckin’ Neve recording console. And you know what happened next? No? C’mon. Guess. Just guess. Give up? Fuckin’ Nevermind happened. Yeah, that’s right. 

dave inspiring

 

Why did you have to kill Kurt Cobain to further your own career? –Mike

Look man, I didn’t kill Kurt.

How did you and Courtney kill Kurt? –Matt

Dude, I just said I didn’t – you know, man, that’s really fuckin’ uncool.

Dave, do you ever feel like young you would be disappointed at current you for making the most perfectly mediocre radio rock? –Evan

MOTHERFUCKER, I AM ETERNAL. YOU CANNOT ESCAPE ME AND YOU CANNOT FUCKIN’ DEFEAT ME.

Dave, how do you manage to be so cool? –Tim

Man, you just gotta be fuckin’ humble. It’s only rock n’ roll, brother.

Grohlspirational


*Dave Grohl visited via oujia board communications with Joe Thrashnkill. If there was an error in the astral projection transcriptions, we’re pretty sure we can’t be sued. 

 

(Images Via, Via, Via, Via, Via, Via, Via, Via)

  • Mayk Benynton

    Is this a Dave Grohl week?

    • Every week is Dave Grohl week.

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        and eryday. Dave is worth it!

        • Dave is ever-lasting.
          Dave is eternal.
          Hail Dave.

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            Yet hes one of us, “little people’.

          • “What if Dave was one of us….
            Just a slave like one of us…”

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            he would still worship at the “rock”

          • CyberneticOrganism

            “Dave” rhymes with “save”

            SAVE ME OH LORD GROHL

  • About the Author: Joe Thrashnkill

    Joe loves Dave Grohl and tolerates Dave Grohl. Also, he’s the founder of Dave Grohl.

    • Dagon

      He omitted this info but he also plays in The Electric Dave Grohls.

      • High on Vallenfyre

        Oh shit! I luv those guys!

  • Mayk Benynton

    I can’t even this article.

    • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

      do you even Archspire bro?

  • Mayk Benynton
    • Max

      Ow.

      • Mayk Benynton

        I actually thought it was real for a second.

        • Max

          Oh, fuck! I didn’t even notice the decapitation. I just thought it was a really bad slam. Severed heads can’t say “Ow.”

        • Sir Tapir The Based

          As a decapitation expert, I can tell you that this is 173% real.

  • Sir Tapir The Based

    Oh man.

  • COAL ROLL

    gidde-up brotha

  • YourLogicIsFlushed

    #DaveGrohlHatesSingingContestsAndLovesRockAndRollBecauseItSolvesAllMetaphysicalProblems

  • Celtic Frosty

    I LOLed the shit out of “Fuckin’ fuckin'”

  • I needed this

    • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

      #grohlboner

  • Dubs

    Hi, do you have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Dave Groh? (RFI)

    • YourLogicIsFlushed
      • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

        Nooooooooo!!!!!

    • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

      though him, with him and in him…

      • CyberneticOrganism

        …in the unity of the foo-est fighter…

        • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

          we are not worthy to receive him

          • CyberneticOrganism

            but only say the word and I shall be ROCKED #rollgrohl

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            #tastegrohln’see

    • Óðinn

      ~~~

    • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

      Eatin chicken fingers n shit at my show and you suck because you have good seats n shit….

    • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

      Chicken. Nugger.

  • Waynecro

    I think I’m most surprised that Joe was able to use a ouija board to communicate with anything other than dead murderers and evil spirits who want to fuck up slumber parties.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Bravo, Joe *wipes single tear from cheek*

  • What are Dave’s thoughts on Grohl Rolling vs Rick Rolling? Asking for a friend.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Also to whoever this Tommy person is the friend zone doesn’t exist. It’s something I don’t believe in and the people who expect women to date them because they’re nice are lying because no nice person wold expect a woman to date them just because they’re nice.

    • Mayk Benynton

      The friendzone is the void.

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        It’s not real.

        • Waynecro

          I’m pretty sure it’s real, dude. It’s right next to the bone zone but simultaneously infinitely far away from it.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I just don’t acknowledge it. I’ve learned that you can’t blame others for your problems.

          • Waynecro

            You certainly shouldn’t blame others for your problems, but pretending certain things don’t exist won’t keep them from kicking you right in the nards.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I don’t do relationships at the moment. I don’t want to do relationships.

          • Waynecro

            A wise man once said “Girls of the world ain’t nothing but trouble.”

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Waynecro bringin’ the hard truths

          • Waynecro

            Hard truths and nard truths, bro.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Bro. *pops collar, nods solemnly, slams Rockstar*

          • Waynecro

            Verily, homeskillet. *crushes Rockstar can on forehead and walks toward the gym*

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            There’s no such thing as friendzone. It’s called being a little bitch.

          • Waynecro

            All the cool kids hang out in the Danger Zone.
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yK0P1Bk8Cx4

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            LAAAAANNNNAAAAA!

          • LVL 10 BLACKBEARD

            Just have sex right thru the friend zone into the bone zone. If your boner was as big as Grohls, you could do it

          • LVL 10 BLACKBEARD

            Lolol the next video after that was Councilman Jamm!!

          • Waynecro

            Through the bone zone and into pound town.

          • LVL 10 BLACKBEARD

            And from pound town into STDville

        • Mayk Benynton

          http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/img-thing?.out=jpg&size=l&tid=122653254

      • Paris Hilton

        “Oh. You think the friendzone is your ally? You merely adopted it as mechanism to deal with rejection. I was born in it. Molded by it. I didn’t see a naked woman by the time I was already a man, by then it was nothing to me but blinding!”

    • whoever this Tommy person is, i bet he rules

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        Jimmy plz!

        • Bunk Moreland

          now THAT is funny
          (oops, wrong account [it’s Jimmy])

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            It sure is.

          • Dubs

            We know.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Question for Joe: can you do this again?

    • Dubs

      Unfortunately, Joe had to burn his ouija board after the seance. He was listening to “Headless Cross” and an evil spirit from the 70s tried crossing over.

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        Damnit. I was hoping for another one

      • Paris Hilton

        Legend has it that only the purest hearts can access Dave Grohl through that board. Those that possess greed, anger, fear, and hatred in their hearts try to summon Grohl, but instead get Dave Mustaine who utters incoherent shit about Obama.

        • Óðinn

          I knew it. Thanks Obama.

  • Joe. DAVE FUCKING GROHL WAS IN THE TOH HEADQUARTERS AND YOU DIDN’T TOLD ME!?

    Also, thanks Dave Grohl (please, don’t sue us, you’re cool).

  • Paris Hilton

    Use that oujia to find out why Coutney Love killed Kurt Cobain. #timeforthetruth2016

    • And why they framed Steven Avery for it.

      • Paris Hilton

        And why does Dave Grohl look so much like the drummer for Nirvana?

        • The truth is out there.

          • Paris Hilton

            The only thing we know for sure is that David Grohl doesn’t do what David Grohl does for David Grohl. David Grohl does what David Grohl does because David Grohl IS…..

            David Grohl

    • more beer

      Just ask El Duce. He took all the answers to this to the grave.

  • Count_Breznak

    I know that guy, wasn’t he in mentos ?

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      They are the freshmaker.

  • Dubs

    Joe, something spoopy just happened, and I may need your freaky exorcist powers. I was about to heat up an early dinner at work when suddenly the panel lit up with the word “child” and wouldn’t let me start the timer.

    • Waynecro

      Were you trying to microwave a child? My microwave always prevents me from doing that. Such modern “safety” features really can be a pain in the ass.

      • Dubs

        Man, you can’t microwave children. You’ll dry out the meat that way.

        • Waynecro

          I don’t really mind dry meat. Just ask all the chicken breasts I overcook every week. With a little mustard, you don’t even notice the dryness.

          • Dubs

            This is one of the most disgusting comments ever posted on this blog.

          • Waynecro

            You don’t like mustard?

          • LVL 10 BLACKBEARD

            I dont.

            Honey mustard, a little. I even use ground mustard in some recipes. Packaged mustard tastes like yellow paint chips

          • Waynecro

            Some days, I’d rather taste yellow paint chips than baked chicken. Unlike better-tasting condiments, standard mustard has essentially no carbs or fats. It’s useful.

          • Spicy brown mustard.

          • Dubs

            Not spread all over some dry-ass chicken I don’t.

          • Waynecro

            What if it were spread on juicy-ass chicken?

          • Fill My Strap With Coutons

            Chicago would be Hell on Earth if he doesn’t.

          • Waynecro

            I like Chicago-style hot dogs.

          • LVL 10 BLACKBEARD

            Hahaha

          • Fill My Strap With Coutons
          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            My mom loves the driest possible meat. She hates juicy chicken and steak and other juicy meats. My dad has to cook them to be especially dry because of her.

          • Waynecro

            I like beef very rare; however, I’m sick of the taste of chicken, and the more you cook the shit, the less like chicken it tastes. That’s why I like my chicken overcooked.

          • Fill My Strap With Coutons

            Lol, look a couple of comments below. Dubs said it’s one of the sickest things ever posted on here. Pffffffffft, I can top it! #Internetfilthcannon

          • Waynecro

            Yeah, dude. You’d top that without even trying.

        • more beer

          That’s right you need a cauldron.

  • best article in existence

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Dr John, who are in Voodooland hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come thy will be done with a lot of gris gris and gumbo. Do not forgive our trespassers as they will walk on gilded splinters. In the name of Dr John, Amen.

    • May your enemies forever be in the right place, but at the wrong time. Ramen.

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        Exactly.

        • ‘Gris-Gris’ is one of the first albums I ever owned, still have it.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            They have it on MP3 for free on Amazon Prime as well as the last two albums he did.

          • Bossicus thee Rossicus

            That’s really cool. I enjoy Dr. John quite a bit. His voice is amazing and that groove of his is fantastic.

  • Fill My Strap With Coutons

    FUCK YOU 2016!!!!!! Lemmy, David Bowie, now Abe Vigoda?!?!?

    http://www.tmz.com/2016/01/26/abe-vigoda-dead/

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      I’m so sorry. I may be religious but let me be the first to say “Fuck you God for taking all these beloved people.”

      • Fill My Strap With Coutons

        This is the day Fark has been dreading, and the end to one of my long time jokes. And he died so died.

      • more beer

        You better go to confession.

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          I will around Easter.

          • more beer

            You sad fuck you God. If you die before Easter, you will not pass go you will go straight to hell!

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I get mad at him pretty often but I still believe.

          • Fill My Strap With Coutons

            You know who’ll outlive him, though? Abe Vi…………….. oh wait, nevermind.

    • All bets are now off.

    • more beer

      Damn that was your boy. Sorry that sucks. So it is now officially the beginning of the end.

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      Other news that makes me sad: Steins are just fancy mugs. WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME THIS?

      • LVL 10 BLACKBEARD

        What . . Did you think they were?

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          I thought steins and mugs were different due to the size of a stein being bigger than the size of a mug.

          • Well, steins are usually much bigger than mugs?(insert confused Jackie Chan meme here)

          • Fill My Strap With Coutons

            People still pour beer? Straight out of the can, or no dice.

          • Bossicus thee Rossicus

            I can’t help but upvote your comments for sheer audacity, but beer really deserves to be poured and enjoyed in a proper glass.

            (though sometimes i secretly enjoy drinking out of cans, but don’t tell anyone)

          • Fill My Strap With Coutons

            If you’re at a bar (haven’t been to one in two years), sure. But at home, it’s straight from the can unless I’m making a clamato.

          • Bossicus thee Rossicus

            I’m… well I’m gonna leave you to that.

          • Fill My Strap With Coutons

            Apparently, I’m the only one here who likes clamatos.

          • Bossicus thee Rossicus

            It would appear so

          • I have maybe 3-4 drinks in an average year, and none of them are usually beer.

          • Fill My Strap With Coutons

            I wish I could go that long. I go about 4 days without one, tops.

          • That’s about how I am with herb but I don’t usually have to go without, even if i’m broke.

          • more beer

            I have some pretty nice beer glasses and other drinking apparatus that I use fro time to time. If it is not poured. The beer you are drinking should come out of a brown bottle.

          • Fill My Strap With Coutons

            Often times it does!

          • more beer

            Does it matter you don’t even drink beer.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I like the designs. Maybe I’ll buy one when I turn 21.

      • Fill My Strap With Coutons

        That’s why you should drink straight out of the can, or the tap if the bartender isn’t looking.

  • Fill My Strap With Coutons

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Why is it so hard to find the Budweiser Holiday Steins for cheap? They’re always expensive at every thrift store I go to. I wish the internet charged less but with shipping and the fact that they’re fragile it’s a bad idea. I guess I’ll have to check harder for cheap ones.

    • LVL 10 BLACKBEARD

      I . . . Cant even

    • JJD i live on the same street as the Budweiser Brewery. tell me what you need, i’ll step inside that place [shudders] and pick it up!

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        If you can find any of the older Holiday Steins I’d be very happy.

  • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

    I enjoyed this. ‘Twas funny, sir. ‘Twas funny, indeed!

  • more beer

    That was rather amusing Joe.

  • Fill My Strap With Coutons

    And Vanilla Fudge.

  • Flowin’ straight from the survival scrolls. CUT DAT BITCH OFF!
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ag8nT3ofkdM