Riff ov the Week: The SLAM Edition

SLAMMA JAMMA

Last week was an all-out war to determine the greatest riff ever crafted in honor of the big red guy, Satan. Everyone’s favorite half-elf, Link, took home the trophy thanks to his riff submission of low hanging fruit Bathory. Congratulations, Link. I’m not at all bitter that I came in second place.

Next week, I want to hear your best guitarmony riffs. That’s right. Two guitars. Harmonizing. Making beautiful love together, rocking you with a twin-axe attack. It’s gonna be pure magic, baby. Send your guitarmonies to toiletovhellriff@gmail.com. Include your name, a link to the riff, the time of the riff, and an explanation. NOTE: the “No Maiden” rule is still in full effect. Submitting an Iron Maiden riff will be treated as cheating and your submission will be tossed out.

Today we’re tackling the most ignant slam and brutal death metal on earth. Whose knuckles will drag the lowest? That’s up for you to decide. Put on your fanciest mesh shorts and make your most overt wiggerish arm movements, we’re opening this pit up. If you ain’t slammin’, you ain’t jammin’.

Joe

Skip to 0:30 to hear the best pinch harmonic riff you’ve ever heard in your life.

Dubya

Riff starts right from the start, so crucify that MF vote button for me.

Waynecro

The riff at 0:42 crushes more wiener than a runaway steamroller at a hog-dog factory.

KJU

Backed up toilet vocals? Check. Toilet in the name? Check. Perfect music after slamming down anything from the Denny’s menu after a long night of cheap booze? Double check. Riff starts at the 1:05 mark.

Dave

Prepare your anus at 0:47

Zeke

If we’re talking slam, we’ve got to give props to the undisputed originators: the mighty Internal Bleeding.  And if we’re talking Internal Bleeding slams, it all starts with the gnarly riff at 1:45.  Any of the toileteers that used to go to shows back in the NYDM heyday will know exactly what riff I’m talking about before even pressing play. While this entire song is a string of ignorant barbarian slams, this was THE “open this floor up” slam.

Brock Samson

I am not really into brutal death and beatdown, but here is my attempt,  Start at 2:51

Sgt Shock

Nothing’s more brutal than young men attempting to navigate relations with the opposite sex within the confines of their own entitlement. Nothing. Riff starts at 0:18

Maik Beninton

Open this fucking pit! 0:11.

Ted Nü-Djent

This week I hope to… destroy… the opposition with my riff selection.The riff at 4.09

Satan Ov Hell

5 seconds in to 18 seconds in. The pinch harmonics flare out just right, the palm muted chugs grind in like concrete being dragged over steel. The drums pummel. Everything you need for wignorant slam.

Old Man Doom

“BANJO SLAMMIN’ HILLBILLY SICKNESS” NO ONE GETS OUT ALIVE — LxGxOx @ 1:45s

 
This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 21-05-2016 07:00:00
end_date 27-05-2016 20:22:33
Poll Results:
Who had the most gutteral pit riffment?
  • Mother Shabubu

    C’MON AND SLAM AND WELCOME 2 THE JAM

    https://analogstaple.bandcamp.com/album/slamzen

  • Yup, totally agree with the Cryptopsy one. That’s how it’s fucking done right there. You have my vote.

    • Mother Shabubu

      Agreed.

      Also; I know it’s not a popular opinion, but I like Whisper Supremacy better than None So Vile.

      • I like that album, the only thing I can’t stand is the vocals.

      • Zeke

        Whisper supremacy is my fav, and then you’ll beg is my second. None so vile is actually number 3 for me

        • Ayreonaut

          Whisper and beg were my first two albums I bought by them, and my introduction to the band.great albums, to this day SO HEAVY.. Like a wall of sound, I think I saw it described somewhere as pantera at 2000 bpm

          • Zeke

            People tend to not like those albums because lord worm wasn’t singing; but I like the other guy’s vocals more for those albums. His vocals are tighter and fit the techy riffs on those albums

      • brokensnow

        I like the unspoken king, its super underrated.

        • Mother Shabubu

          I won’t lie, at the time of its release, I enjoyed it. I also didn’t know who Cryptopsy was at that point either.

          I really liked their latest EP.

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          Brokensnow plz! That album was awful!

      • Angus McMoobieFart ’16

        None So vile is the only one they’ve done that stands out to me. The rest are fair to middling, to GAH!!!!! (Unspoken King, the Cold Lake of the death metal world)

    • Dubs

      Dang, I was hoping I’d snag your vote with Brodequin.

  • Beetleborgbuttbanger

    Ive always found Cryptopsy slightly overrated but man did they have some sweet jams here and there. Still gotta go with the masters, Internal Bleeding

  • tigeraid

    I have no fucking clue about any of this, so I respectfully did not participate. I will vote for the one called “Toilet Flush” though, obv.

    • If you listened to it you wouldn’t

      • tigeraid

        I have no doubt my fellow toileteers will make the right call anyway. And I will move on CRUSH next week.

      • Angus McMoobieFart ’16

        Indeed, it’s straight doo doo, but I couldn’t resist the band name and went for it. I figured it was as low hanging of fruit as it gets for slam.

    • Angus McMoobieFart ’16

      A wise decision indeed (only because you’re voting for me)! A round of applause for this fine gentleman!

      http://i.imgur.com/RM00XzH.gif

  • Pentagram Sam

    Appropriate Toilet Easter Egg. If you search for bbbbbbb, it brings up that funny as hell article from a few weeks ago. Where Lonk (from Pennsylvani-uhhh) made his debut. Alas I am not too familiar with all these bands so I gotsa to listen layter.

  • Dave Vincent’s Perm
  • There is a serious lack of Defeated Sanity here

  • Apparently my pick was too real

  • Rob M

    When slam is involved I dont think there can be any winners

    • Mother Shabubu

      **I dont think there can be any wieners

      FTFY

  • 365ChaosRiddenDays

    “None So Vile” rules hard indeed:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxlNL1743OQ

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Cryptopsy wins.

    • Eliza

      Apparently. But you never know what the future holds.

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        Cryptopsy wins

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Also who included the band of Sgt D? Had I known I would have voted for it.

    • Angus McMoobieFart ’16

      Sgt. D? Is he related to Captain D’s, the seafood chain?

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        KJU plz! He’s everyone’s favorite troll writer on the Site That Shan’t be banes!

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    My two guitar riff has been submitted. I had to check that it was just two guitarists.

    • Eliza

      Just what monster is waiting for you to unleash it?

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        I won’t spoil it.

        • Eliza

          The anticipation is killing me.

      • Angus McMoobieFart ’16

        He submitted the most furious two guitar riff that Crosby Stills Nash And Young has to offer.

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          KJU plz!

        • Eliza

          Ideal for moshing.

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    Next week is gonna be way fun

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    Voted Maik. That slug album is 30 minutes of quality bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

    • Maik Beninton™

      Thanks man, I love that riff.

  • Count_Breznak

    What’s with all the highbrow weedly stuff. Get stupid.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NFGoFSXF5kU

    • Eliza

      I think that the process of coming up with that song name must’ve been really fun.

      • Count_Breznak

        One of the songtitles on that album is long enough to exceed Window’s maximum allowed file name length.

        • Eliza

          I’m afraid to ask what it is.

  • Eliza

    As slam is a genre I have little, if any, expertise in, I decided to vote for whatever the majority liked, despite that going against my principles. Fortunately, I like it. Also, can someone please explain the “No Iron Maiden” rule to me?

    • Maik Beninton™

      Basically, Iron Maiden is so good they could win any RotW, even slam.

      • Eliza

        That’s true. They brought the act of building a riff up to perfection.

        • Maik Beninton™

          It’s basically to avoid low hanging fruit wins, I’ve seen a lot of RotW themes where Iron Maiden could’ve been submitted.
          Also, back when whiff of the week was still around, a rule of ‘No Limp Bizkit’ was created after it won 2 or 3 consecutive rounds.

          • RIP WOTW

          • Maik Beninton™

            RIP. To this day I still laugh at this find.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=827SjYdZBxg

          • man, they live it

          • Eliza

            Such moves. Much stunned.

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            My finest Whiff hour

          • Eliza

            I don don’t think I knew of this site when you used to do those. They seem pretty fun, why did you stop doing them?

          • I think w wanted to focus on riffs that we like rather than make fun of s*** that other people might like

          • Eliza

            Fair enough.

          • Maik Beninton™

            Yeah, Ted got it right, he submitted the most kekworth stuff, though others would submit some more acceptable picks, I really got mad when someone submitted Revocation for worst solo.

          • Eliza

            Someone dared to do that?

          • i might be a giant asshole but so is everyone else

          • Eliza

            So it was you! Haha, seriously now, do you not like Revocation? I think they’re pretty good.

          • No it wasn’t me

          • Eliza

            Oh, on then. Forget about that.

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            Revocation is worst everything.

          • Eliza

            You know, when almost every band is the worst, it’s hard to tell what the actual worst is.

          • I’m pretty sure tapir is the worst

          • Maik Beninton™

            To counter the negativity of your comment, I will post these cute puppies.

            http://www.naomesmo.com.br/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/EXPLOS%C3%83O-FOFURA.jpg

          • Eliza

            The one on the left is just too much.

          • Angus McMoobieFart ’16
          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            I also rustled hard when I submitted the whole Artificial Brain album one week

          • Dubs

            Basically. I got tired of spending a lot of time writing and collecting stuff that we disliked rather than focusing my energy on other things. I’ve told the other writers that someone else can pick it up if they want.

          • Eliza

            It’s understandable that you want to about negative energy if possible.

          • Angus McMoobieFart ’16

            They could? *gives long, somewhat creepy puppy eyes towards 365’s direction*

          • i support this. 365 could have a ball if he put his own spin on WOTW

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            I would if I knew how

          • Eliza

            That makes sense. It would get boring if the same band would win every time.

          • But the low-hanging fruit always wins around here

          • Eliza

            Interestingly enough.

          • Angus McMoobieFart ’16

            Not always. I thought I had the slam dunk last week with the VH pick, but out of nowhere came Link with a much more left field pick.

  • Hubert

    I don’t usually care for Slam (and welcome to the jam) but I really enjoyed that Guttural Slug record.

    • Angus McMoobieFart ’16

      See? I called it! I knew there’d be at least a couple of people with GS picks.

  • ill toss my vote to underdog Maik. that was some tight ignant shiet

    • this showed up today all the way from france. only took one week and one day. the celestia records are signed on the inside

      the weekend can finally begin

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        That is damn good ship time!

        • extremely pleased. no dings either

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Impressive… most impressive.

          • and, yes. that is a box of national geographics my old lady decided needed to be saved from the library’s recycling. nevermind there are 5 bookshelves full of books out of frame

      • Bottom left?

  • Angus McMoobieFart ’16

    What, no Cock And Ball Torture? Tisk tisk…….. I figured someone would’ve gone for that low hanging fruit.

    • Count_Breznak

      They asked for slam, not porngrind.

      • i was gonna say this.

        Cryptopsy is also winning a slam competition

        • Zeke

          Yes. When I think cryptopsy I definitely don’t think slam. That’s a great riff though

        • Count_Breznak

          The entries aren’t demented enough to be taken seriously. Not to mention the lack of eastern european material.

      • Angus McMoobieFart ’16

        Same thing, different subject matter.

        • Count_Breznak

          Different thing, same subject matter.

          • Angus McMoobieFart ’16

            Sounds like the exact same thing to me, but to each their own!

          • Count_Breznak

            Well, you obviously didn’t listen to enough of either, an emptiness in your life that you must now fill. Preferebly obnoxiously loud, in public, naked and drunk, gurgeling along the lyrics.

          • Angus McMoobieFart ’16

            So, basically what I do with synthpop?

          • Count_Breznak

            Like that, just with more blasts.

  • Don’t know who this Sgt Shock chap is but I like his style.

    That said, his submission is horrible–as are all of them.

  • Óðinn
  • Angus McMoobieFart ’16

    Is it me, or is Sunday Sesh not working at all? I’ve tried several times to get it to work, but it won’t load up the comments section. *scratches head*

    • just figured they had finally banned me

      • Sir Tapir The Based

        I thought I was banned too.

        • pfff i think if anything youve calmed down

          • Angus McMoobieFart ’16

            I’m guessing you heard about Nick Menza? Goddamn you, 2016!

          • ME GORAK B.C.™

            RUST IN PEACE : ( !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • Angus McMoobieFart ’16

        Lol, I think you can still see the site even if you’re banned. Dunno though.
        :-p

    • more beer

      Nah it;’s not working.

      • Angus McMoobieFart ’16

        Weird. Still not working on my end.

        • more beer

          I don’t think it will work until the next post. Either way I am not here for long today. Heading to a show in an hour.

    • Dubs

      It’s working again now. Something misfired between the disqus wordpress interface. It was rill weird.

      • Angus McMoobieFart ’16

        Cool cool, I shall boogie on over there then.