Riff ov the Week: The SATANIC Edition

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…Stan. Uh, I mean Satan.

Last week, our weekly riff competition found Ted Nü-djent taking the crown with his pick from Ihsahn’s latest album. I have no idea what the theme of the week was because Masterlord doesn’t care about any of you. Sorry 🙁

Next week, because I’m in charge, we’re only accepting SLAM and BRUTAL DEATH riffs. Send your most ignorant guttural pit riffment to toiletovhellriff@gmail.com. Include your name, a link to the riff, the time of the riff, and an explanation.

This week is an all-out war to determine the finest riff crafted for the glory of the dark lord. Who will prevail? Cast your vote and seal your fate!

Joe

If I know anything about The Devil (and I’m pretty sure I do), it’s that he loves nothing more than idle hands and sleazy rock n’ roll. Satanic Royalty offers the latter in spades. Light up a Pall Mall and skip to 0:30.

W.

If you listen to “Stairway to Heaven” backwards, by the time you reach the middle of the song when Robert Plant starts muttering about his sweet Satan (3:22), you’ll find yourself ready to leap off a balcony while yelling, “It’s all for you, Damien,” before impaling yourself on Old Nick’s crown of femurs.

Link

If Masterlord omits my pick for RotW once again, I will conjure a Satan spell to poke him in the ass with his trident. I’M SERIOUS. Time mark: fuck off, listen to this jam and cast your vote. I’m pissed off.

Ted Nü-Djent

Is one of the Toilets chief writers, Dubs, in fact satan? Ponder this question while you listen to the main riff starting at 0:05

Richter

Save me from cowardness! (1:41)

Brock Samson

Dark Funeral was my introduction to Satan in music and the experience has stuck with me.  Blast from the beginning and hail.

Son Ov Wolf

Ahem, “LaLaLaLaLa, La. LaLaLaLaLa, La.”

KJU

On today’s menu: deviled low hanging fruit salad, and mmmmmmm it is delicious. Riff starts at 1:56.

Vegglampe

The main riff is the satanest of riffs.

tertius_decimus

Pure Satanic blasphemy right from zero mark.

Waynecro

This song isn’t entirely about Satan, but it’s certainly a paean to him. Totally scary lines such as “the one with the infernal horns, the one with black wings proudly soars…. In Satan we trust” probably ensure that the song meets this week’s requirements. Anyway, the riff at 2:09 gets me all (hell)fired up.

The_Dude

Goatwhore have always shown there love for the big spooky red man and they’ve always done it well (at least I think so). But at the 1:20 mark you hear Ben Falgoust scream “who needs a god when you’ve got satan” follow by Sammy Duet’s tar filled thrash riff letting you now that his NOLA sludge roots from his Acid Bath days haven’t gone anywhere.

Boss The Ross

I don’t know why we’re doing riffs about Santa, but I’ll play along. The horns weedle through the intro, sucking you into the solid bass line that thumps throughout the song. Magnificent flute flourishes grace your ears throughout this jam, whisking you away to the cold north. And that solo at 1:35! DOES IT RIP OR WHAT? And don’t get me started on the vocal attack Bing and the Andrews Sisters lay on us. Oh, and the chimes at 2:25… HEAVY!

365 Days of Horror

Everyone needs more Cake in their life. Riff at 0:43

Lacertilian

SCR

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 14-05-2016 07:00:00
end_date 20-05-2016 20:22:33
Poll Results:
Who is the most Satanic?
  • Lacertilian

    Somebody smells satan…

    • CyberneticOrganism

      *witty “10 minutes into Satan & chill” joke*

  • im actually quite disappointed in this turnout. Effectively, Joe Dashnfeel wins with that Midnight pick

  • Eliza

    I haven’t even listened to any of the songs yet and I feel with 80% more evil.

    • dont you live where Dracula lives? you should have submitted

      • Dubs

        Eliza doesn’t just live in Romania, she straight up dwells in Poenari Castle and keeps the walls bedecked with severed heads.

        • Eliza

          How do you know my daily routine?

          • Dubs

            As the 43rd President of the United States, I established an extensive spy network under the guise of the Patriot Act. All of you are under surveillance. All of you.

          • we did just open a missile shield in romania

          • Eliza

            I hear about it quite often on the radio, not sure if it’s a good or bad thing though.

          • *shrug

            america putting its hands in other peoples cakes rarely turns out well

          • Eliza

            Unfortunately, that’s true. Our country has a long history of being at the hands of other, more powerful countries though, so there’s nothing new under the sun.

          • it could deter putin from further incursion south, or it could put romania at the epicenter of ww3

            so, could go either way

          • Eliza

            I’m scared. At least I lived a satisfyingly pleasant life.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            By cake, you mean ass

          • always longbutts

          • Eliza

            Kinky.

          • Sploopy Thunderplop

            NO HENTAI!!!

          • more beer

            By hand you mean Fist?

          • Sploopy Thunderplop

            I read about that yesterday. As expected, Putin’s jimmies are rustlefied over it.

          • more beer

            Because his Mayday parade last week wasn’t a show of force!

          • Eliza

            Shit.

          • more beer

            You are the reason I keep my business to myself. No Facebook or any of that other crap. A friend of mine did a google search on me and found nothing. That is how it should be.

          • Eliza

            Agreed.

          • more beer

            Most of the world is going to be kicking themselves i the ass in 10 years. For all of the stupid and revealing things they posted online.

          • Eliza

            Those things don’t go away, no matter if you delete them or not. That’s the worst part.

          • more beer

            Nope. Most people know this and don’t care. Until it is too late.

          • all my dickpics

          • Eliza

            They’ll be there for all eternity.

          • more beer

            As long as you’re proud of it and you have no shame. Shouldn’t be a problem!

          • more beer

            Truth be told all that really matters is that it works and will rise to the occasion so to speak!

          • man, i want to buy that coffee mug now

          • more beer

            Spend that cash on herb instead!

          • you know i never go without

          • more beer

            I know, me either. But you can never have enough.

      • Eliza

        I forgot to do that. On top of that, I would have probably sent The Number of The Beast.

    • Sploopy Thunderplop

      Especially with Ross’ pick!

  • Dave Vincent’s Perm

    Since I wouldn’t have been allowed to put forward my Satan riff submission, vote way necro.

  • 365ChaosRiddenDays

    Brock, good pick, speaking about songs for the Devil, this one rips like the entire album I think:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-u8C57GYhFI

  • CyberneticOrganism

    I forgot to submit (to satan). Fuck.

  • Sploopy Thunderplop

    In honor of Ross’ soul-devouring pick, a kinky and timeless ode to the dark one:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUdz6XBP1yo

    Was gonna go with the Eartha Kitt original, but Tay Tay and shit. *gets pregnant with Damon the spawn of Satan*

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Gotta go with Dark motherfunning Funeral.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Always
      Be
      Funeraling

    • Eliza

      Is it just me, or does Satan look like he’s hiding his boobs there?

      • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

        If his hands were a bit closer together he absolutely would be.

  • BobLoblaw

    No Abigor, no vote.

  • Möthër Shäbübü

    Dank Funeral >>>>

  • Hail to the yellow goat!!!

  • Joe gets my vote, that riff is catchy as fuck and Midnight just straight up kill it.

  • The most Satanic evil riff ever… Just starts right off from the beginning. Boom!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZmDL_PzvdY

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Nice. Kommandant just posted this:

      https://youtu.be/YTEVuSLlyXY

    • Dubs

      Tyree, I think my Rites of Thy Degringolade album is at the post office. I wasn’t able to cut out fast enough yesterday to go grab it.

      I’m eyeing an Axis of Advance release next.

      • Nice! I always hate that I have to pick stuff up at the post office, but at least I know it’s secure there. Sometimes I worry about stuff sitting on my doorstep for a long period of time. You never know what kinda hoodlums are out there.

        • Dubs

          True.

          • i get lucky here because mailmanbro leaves my packages at the complex’s office.

          • Dubs

            Ours usually does, but if it’s an import, you usually have to go the post office to certify.

          • must be a texas thing. ive never had to go to the post office to pick up an import. ive gotten records from poland and norway this month

          • Dubs

            I usually do if it’s shipped internationally, though not every time. Could be a seller specific thing?

          • america

          • Sploopy Thunderplop

            I think they do that here as well. I ordered a La Casa Al Mare shirt from Italy around Xmas time (bad bad idea!), and the post office told me I had to go pick it up. Aaaaaaaaaaand, lo and behold, they told me it never arrived when I got there. My roomie’s had to pick up stuff at the PO from overseas as well.

        • Elegant Gazing Globe

          Hoodlums in your part of pennsyl-tucky?

        • Sploopy Thunderplop

          Could be worse. The mailman could’ve folded your record and slid it through the mail slot, like what happened to this poor fellow.

          http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/postman-tries-helpful-squeezing-fragile-7964645?ICID=ref_fark

    • Dave Vincent’s Perm

      RITUAL

  • Zeke

    Finally a slam week! Roid rage joe should sub for mastersocks more often

    • Sploopy Thunderplop

      There used to be a weekly thing for slam on here way back when, IIRC, but never knew what happened to it. Pretty sure there’s at least 3 people racing to get their Guttural Slug picks submitted.

      • Dubs

        I don’t think we ever had weekly slam, but Calltheslambulance wrote about it a fair amount.

        • Sploopy Thunderplop

          My goof, then. It was on here quite often, though, then poof. Kind of a limited genre, though, so doesn’t leave a whole lot to talk about.

      • Zeke

        Yeah, I think that column ended a long time ago. I barely listen to slammy shit anymore, but I like to represent my Long Island death metal roots whenever possible

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Yeah but then we’ll attract all those breeing wiener kids

  • IronLawnmower
  • more beer
  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    So it wasn’t Santa…

    • Eliza

      Who knows, maybe it secretly was all along.

    • more beer

      They are one in the same!

    • Sploopy Thunderplop

      Maybe it was Santeria?

  • Rob M

    Oh come on you guys. I love Midnight, but theres no way they should be beating Bathory…clearly the fix is in

  • Count_Breznak

    Ah, Bob the Ross..zwei Idioten, ein Gedanke. Was going to submit https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_skv7akK5M
    but forgot.

    • Maik Beninton™

      ‘Welcome to… wait, ah yes, welcome to hell.’

  • brokensnow

    Eternity for sale.
    https://youtu.be/KZ0BNBseNFs

  • CyberneticOrganism
  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Well I guess KJU gets my vote. It’s not as bad as the others.

  • RUNNINGWITHTHEDEVELVOCALSONLY.MPG4

    GL

    • Maik Beninton™

      AAAWOW AAAYEAH WOW!

    • Sploopy Thunderplop

      Lol, I was tempted to submit the a Capella version.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNJNCazmNnI

    • CyberneticOrganism

      OH GOD, OH GOD AHM RUNNAAAAAN YEAAAAAHAAAOOWW

  • I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: no supposedly satanic metal music has ever made the hair stand up on the back of my neck. But my first time hearing Robert Plant sing (backwards) “glory glory is to my sweet Satan…glorious Satan”) …holy fucking shit.

    (Edit: I forgot Disturbing the Priest from Black Sabbath’s “Born Again” album. Ian Gillan’s shrieks were evil as phuck.)

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      DISTURBING THE PRIEST>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

  • more beer

    BB King died last night. One more musician to succumb to 2016.

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

      • more beer

        Died in his sleep at home at 9:45 last night.

        • Señor Jefe El Rosa

          The thrill is gone…

          • more beer

            Yep.

    • He died a year ago.

    • More Beer indeed.

      • more beer

        I retract this as I missed where it said flashback beside the headline I skimmed through.

        • Haha, all good man. I was convinced he was still alive all this time. Had to check.

          • more beer

            I don’t know why a major paper even reprints things like that? Shouldn’t they be concerned with what’s happening today?

          • fucking corporate media

          • more beer

            Whores!

          • Sploopy Thunderplop

            BB King is dead, Prince is dead……………… anyone done a wellness check on Queen Latifah?

          • more beer

            She could die in front of me and i wouldn’t care!

          • Sploopy Thunderplop

            Ain’t shit going on in the news today from what I can tell.

    • Sploopy Thunderplop
  • tigeraid

    So uuuuuh…. Was my submission missed, or did I break the rules?

    • You probably submitted power metal and thus your riff was automatically rejected by ToiletNEt.

      • more beer

        Could he have submitted power metal that even Master Lord couldn’t stand?

        • Masterlord is no longer Lord & Master of ToiletNet.

          • more beer

            I think he will disagree with you.

        • Sploopy Thunderplop

          That’d be saying a lot! That’s heading right into Dragon Guardian and Everfrost territory.

      • tigeraid

        FOILED AGAIN.

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      There is a 15 limit rule…

      • tigeraid

        Hmm. I did submit last night at like 8 pm… Maybe I need to get my fucking TPS reports in earlier.

        • that’s far too late. they fill up 20 minutes after announced.
          i think

          • ive been sittin out mostly

          • tigeraid

            Hmph, I usually get it in late in the week and it works out… Guess I’ll try harder.

        • I’m not checking email at 8 on a Friday night. Get it in way earlier.

          • tigeraid

            Roger.

  • Möthër Shäbübü

    Was gonna submit this just to throw off all these intense songs with satan in the name. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMsSCD82FQU

  • That Sektemtum album I mini-reviewed without a sample because I’m a dingus is now sample-able over at some other blog that none of you should ever visit under any circumstances. Seriously, don’t go there.

    http://www.invisibleoranges.com/sektemtum-ebony-grand-master-song-premiere/

    • Lacertilian

      I’ve seen it twice in my inbox and only now realise their name isn’t Sekmentum.
      Though, I’m not sure who has fucked up more, me or them.

  • Sploopy Thunderplop

    News you can use: Summer Slaughter’s lineup has just been announced. No word on dates and venues just yet though.

  • The Tetrachord of Archytas

    Forgot to submit all of them
    https://vimeo.com/84186772

  • Waynecro

    Dude, Richter, I totally almost submitted that Dimmu song too. That’s an old favorite of mine.

  • The Satan Ov Hell

    Gotta toss my vote to the dude. Goatwhore has always been some of my favourite dumb-fun riffage.

  • I voted for myself.

    • Sploopy Thunderplop

      JJD, plz!

  • Vegglampe gets my vote!!