Riff ov the Week: The 1:30 on Track 3 of a Debut Edition

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This week’s absurdly specific Riff ov the Week theme is brought to you by Joe.

From inside the locker you hear him roar with laughter. The only light you can see is the glare of the sun off his perfect teeth, shining through the slits and into your crying eyes. Part of you is thankful for the thin metal door between your shitty, bent body and Michelangelo’s David brought to life. The rest of you knows it won’t protect you from what’s coming. The two words that wound more forcibly than even the most atomic of wedgies ever could – “fucken nerd“.

Last week, to the soothing music of a hundred burning butts, he won the contest for atmospheric riffs with Pantera. Read that again. Atmospheric riffs. Then again. With Pantera. Let it sink in. Muse over your enkindled rectum. Melt your desk chair with your ass.

dsadsad

Regardless of how you feel about it, Joe’s first win is a hilarious triumph that will go down in Riff ov the Week history.

Next week:

  • Let’s compensate for today’s specificity with with a no-rules riff-off. Except no Maiden. That rule is eternal.
  • Send your riffs to toiletovhellriff@gmail.com. Include your Disqus handle, a Youtube video, the time of the riff, and an explanation.
  • If you have an idea for a theme, let me know. They’re always fun.

 

Masterlord

Vengeance is mine! 1:23 – 1:45.

 

Joe Thrashnkill

Last week I was unfairly accused of having an ace in the hole for this edition. You greatly overestimate me. Instead, I just spent 4 minutes thinking of bands I like and listening to track 3, 1:30 of their debut albums. I decided to go with 1:30 of “Isak” cuz there is kind of a riff there, I suppose.

 

Shrimp in a Pizza Box Maik Beninton

SPB: Machine Head fucking sucks. Their nü-metal era sucked, their more recent albums REALLY FUCKING SUCKED. The only exceptions to this are the first track in The Blackening (Clenching the Fist of Dissent), and Burn My Eyes. If the band had only released that album I would not hesitate to call them one of my favourite bands.

MB: The riff starts at 1:25. Also, Rob Flynn rapping on this song.

 

Dagon

Joe is a tricky bastard. The 1:30 mark is usually when riffs change and at many times it features nothing but a short silence in between sections of a song. This Kylesa song is an exception.

 

Vegglampe

There is too little love for Purified In Blood in this world.

 

Spear

This riff is the perfect encapsulation of a journey through the depths of R’lyeh, growing steadily more alien and discomforting the further in you go. It reaches its final evolution at the two-minute mark when it explodes into the chorus, your mind ripped asunder by the gruesome visage of the Great Old One himself.

 

Hotdog Clifford

It took me an hour of listening to the third song on the debut albums of all of my favorite bands but I finally found a song that actually is more than 1 minute and thirty seconds and actually has a riff at 1:30. I recommend listening to the entire song because it’s a good song.

 

Sir Tapir the Based

Ulver is love, Ulver is life.

 

Howard Dean

This week, I’m expecting to see all manner of random, mediocre riffs from famous and popular debut albums that just so happen to be playing on the 1:30 second mark of the third song. Some of them might be OK, others will largely just be bland. But it will be a classic debut album from an awesome band, so that ought to carry it, right? Wrong. Fuck that. Bring the riffs, motherfuckers. At 1:30 of the song below, Mike Scalzi will snap your neck and melt your face with a righteous heavy metal riff fest. Enjoy, bitches.

 

Lacertilian

After blathering in disbelief that I had a 19 band shortlist for this ludicrous theme, I decided upon this older gem. One of the most fun Sep songs to learn on guitar when starting out.

 

Coolstorybro

Gonna go with “Open Face Surgery,” the third track from Cryptopsy’s debut album. Get your face ground off by the guitar and audible (hey!) bass riff starting at 1:26.

 

MoshOff

When assigned this tedious task, I turned to Down for help.

 

Nordling Rites ov Karhu

Joe’s idea was entertaining, but also meant I wasn’t gonna spend too much time digging around debut albums. This melodic riff starts at 1:30 pretty aptly and I like it.

 

EsusMoose

Starts at 1:27, may not be the version that got on the record but the riffs the same and it hits hard. And Owls>>>.

 

Ron Deuce

Every single riff in “Infecting The Crypts” by Suffocation could probably take home the bacon in one of these showdowns. It just so happens that it’s the 3rd track of off their debut Effigy Of The Forgotten and it starts right at 1:30 just like the rules say. The combination of the drums, riffs and Frank Mullen’s vocals combined give you one of those intense moments that define death metal on the classic albums.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 14-12-2014 20:22:33
end_date 26-04-2015 09:00:00
Poll Results:
lol

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  • KJM

    Mosh On, Mosh Off. Down.

    • MoshOff

      I was sifting through bands and thought “whatever it is for Down it’s going to be good or great”. I wasn’t wrong.

    • I contemplated sending this one as well.

      • MoshOff

        I almost sent the Suffocation one, great minds and what not.

    • Oli Fucking Sykes, Son.

      All of the yes.

  • Stanley

    Needs more Pantera. 🙂

    • MoshOff

      The first Glamtera albums arepretty lolbuttz, I didn’t check but I don’t think it would have made for a good pick.

      • I kinda like em

        • Zeke

          Stand your ground. While they’re now considered getchapull metal; peak pantera was unfuckwithable…. Just not particularly atmospheric

          • Dr. W.’s Tentacles

            I’ve still got Cowboys from Hell on vinyl. Cut from the masters 🙂

          • The Beargod

            Shame the peak didn’t last long enough to make it to 1:30.

        • Akerskronks ov Steele

          Power Metal was fuckin great. Don’t let anyone try to tell you how trver than thou they be.

          • Shrimp ov Whatever

            This had me confused for a while.

    • Super Nintendo Chalmers

      Oh?

      • The God Emperor of Mankind

        Trolls for the Troll Throne. Aw Damnit you got me YOU HERETIC.

  • B00mhauer

    I can feel my lungs collapsing just from listening to Lord Worm’s scream in open face surgery. I released my bowels first time I heard it. Good thing my dog was there to eat it.

  • TheRedman(formerly God ov All)

    Suffocation!! I’ve listened to that album so many times I don’t even need to press play to know which riff you are talking about.

    • Zeke… or isaac; whatever

      Yup!! Well played Mr. Deuce. Mike Smith grinds with hatred!

      • Zeke

        But I have to admit, Tapir came in a very close second with that Ulver track. I fucking love that song. However, as I’m spending my Saturday on Long Island, I had to vote Suffo

        • TheRedman(formerly God ov All)

          Ulver is fucking bizarre. And I love them for it.

  • For the next riff of the week, the riff must start at 20th minute of the album and band name must start with Q.

    • MoshOff

      DO IT

      • We will get a grand total of 4 submissions for that one.

    • So it’ll be a Queen/Queens of the Stone Age bukkake fest.

      • JWG

        Not to dispute that or anything, but I thought of Quo Vadis (CA) before either of those. Actually identifying a riff would be a challenge, though.

        • Ha! I could have googled Q bands, but the joke wasn’t really good enough to merit that level of energy.

          Quo Vadis is pretty nutty, but the riffs are at least intelligible, as opposed to…oh, say Portal?

          • JWG

            The reference pool for Canadian metal bands is just small enough that I could think of that before I did anything else. No Google required.

            I was also thinking of the difficulty of applying them especially in terms of the ’20 minute’ rule. On the first two albums 20 minutes is within the last 20 seconds of a track and riffs have given way to charging to a climax, and on the third it’s at a point where there’s really no wildly exceptional riff to note anyway.

    • Oli Fucking Sykes, Son.

      That is just evil

      • It’s a horrible idea that I hope no one takes seriously.

  • Shrimp ov Whatever

    FUCK I forgot about Cthuhlu actually being the third track on that album. Spear wins.

  • The Beargod

    Also, I got a record number of seven votes last week. Over teice my usual. Almost soothes the pain of Joe’s victory.

  • old_man_doom

    You’ve captured my heart with Kvelertak, moose.

  • Scrimm

    Aw man, my pick was a good one too.

    • What was it?

      • Scrimm
        • That’s a solid pick, too bad it didn’t make it.

          • Scrimm

            YES IT IS

          • Óðhinn

            I’m guessing not all picks make it then? Just curious because this is the first time I’ve submitted and my pick seems to have been excluded. Do the submissions undergo an initial filtering or maybe not just everyone can submit? Does anybody know?

          • Don’t know for sure, you’d have to ask the Gods ov Toilet, but I think it’s first come first serve. So, like, if you don’t submit within six hours of this “article” appearing, you’re fuqt.

          • Óðhinn

            That would make sense. If there was no limit, the number of submissions could be too large.

          • I believe it’s 1st come, 1st serve on the first 15 submissions received.

  • Dr. W.’s Tentacles

    Deuce and his precious offspring get my vote.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Fuck, I should have entered this week.

  • lol

    • Spear

      buttz

  • Super Nintendo Chalmers

    A vote not for Slough Feg is a vote for AIDS.

    • Dean the P.I. Staker

      Hear hear.

  • Guacamole Jim

    I WUZ ROBBED

    • Sir Tapir the Based™

      Did someone steal your banana guacamole?

      • Guacamole Jim

        How do you know about that? Unless….

        • Sir Tapir the Based™

          You’re blaming me? Wow there! Just because I stole your banana guacamole doesn’t mean that I stole it.

        • Dr. W.’s Tentacles
          • Guacamole Jim

            I do… But not to hold bananas.

          • Oli Fucking Sykes, Son.

            I need an adult.

          • Ahmed Johnson The Reef Eater

            Stranger danger!

  • Vladimir Poutine

    Was gonna go for Alkaloid, but then there’s Atheist, and so forth. Kvelertak gets it, though. It’s spring and I love blasting “Fossegrim” with the windows down.

  • Oli Fucking Sykes, Son.
  • So, the arbitrarily chosen constraints of this contest forced Tapir to submit one of the least moving riffs on the entire Bergtatt album, but . . .

    . . . I am physically incapable–INCAPABLE–of not voting for Ulver.

    So that’s what happened.

    • Zeke

      Eh, by about 1:40 it gets pretty damn great

  • The Beargod

    I’m gonna play all these later but given that I was thinking of sending that Ulver myself…

  • Simon “Djentcrusher” Phoenix

    Vengeance may be Masterlord’s indeed. As hard as it was to vote against Suffo and Slough Feg, that Gospel riff is just too meaty.

  • Taylor Jong Un

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQhIgra-AvA

    At the 1:30 mark, and it’s a debut, so it counts. Not exactly metal, though.

    PS, I voted for Hot Dog Clifford. I’m a sucker for some Atheist, even though the new CD was blah.

  • Actiondonkey

    My submission didnt make it… Riff starts at 1:30 and runs about a minute.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zPjVFu-IIeU

    • Taylor Jong Un

      Goddamn, this rules! *forks over all my tendies*

    • probably would have won my vote. i’m the idiot who didn’t know Pyrrhon had an album before Brother of Virtues (yes guise i know i’m dumb!)

    • Call the Slambulance

      This is easily the most well written, best thought out riff I’ve heard in ages. You win.

      • Actiondonkey

        Thanks, I feel validated.

    • Óðhinn

      That’s a solid pick Actiondonkey.

  • Dagon

    I was going to throw “Isak” in there.

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    on the subject of “experimental riff”categories—

    horn riffs –based in heavy metal style—–with john bonham’s drum solo—used as rhythm –instead of a solo

    a new kind of music—–
    (all 3 at once—full vol)
    https://youtu.be/qzig0qI7SFg

    https://youtu.be/gaSnMZ973V4

    https://youtu.be/5axz4DUpDcw

    • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

      for people who dont like rap—just listen to the 1st two together

      • Dagon

        Shit, second one not working for HUE HUE BRs.

        Still sounds like next level futuristic jams

  • Dagon

    That Kvelertak owl is my pokerstars avatar.

    • EsusMoose

      I have a shirt with that on it, I call it Owl. Tis a nice shirt

  • Ahmed Johnson The Reef Eater

    I love Atheist so Hotdog Clifford gets my vote.

  • Dagon

    Riff ov the Week is when I realize how much of an outkast (lol) I am.

    Dude can’t even get a vote smh

    • If you had submitted Ulver, or even Ulver, you would have gotten my vote. But, unlike Tapir, you submitted neither Ulver nor Ulver, ergo–no vote.

      That said, Kylesa is kind of nice.

      • Dagon

        Their better albums came after the debut, tbh. I don’t like their debut nearly as much as the other ones.

        • Hmm. I like both old and middle-newish Ulver equally. They basically introduced me to giving zero fucks about genre-consistency. The Willy Blake album especially.

          I feel your pain though. I garnered exactly zero votes the one and only time I played this game, and my butt still hurts. High School suxxx.

          • Dagon

            I meant Kylesa, not Ulver, haha.

            I actually care a lot about Ulver’s first albums as much as the latest.

        • Sir Tapir the Based™

          Blood Inside is probably my favourite of theirs.

        • I dig Kylesa quite a bit but I will never understand the need for two drummers playing exactly the same thing.

    • Sir Tapir the Based™

      I know how you feel.

    • I’m pretty sure I got a goose egg last week for my take on atmosphere. So much for trying to think outside the box.

      • Óðhinn

        I voted for you this week Ron. You appear to be winning too.

    • Oli Fucking Sykes, Son.

      Your misspelling (not sure if it was intentional or not) made me remember how much I miss Outkast. :'(

    • Lacertilian

      When compared to some of the riffs here, that part of the song for Kylesa just doesn’t hold up sorry fishbro

  • tie amongst @joethrashnkill:disqus, Veggelamp, and @Ron_Deuce:disqus

    • Lacertilian

      Did you get your spoiler email you drunken viking impersonator?

  • Maik Beninton

    Voted Lacertilian.

  • JamesGrimm

    Where have I been with this Alkaloid band?!?!

  • JWG

    I was debating whether or not you’d consider a horn fanfare a “riff”, and decided in the end to play it safe and just not submit. But had I done so, it would have been this:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGHW9sFtK4o

    …also it technically starts at 1:26, it only ‘exists’ through 1:30…

  • JWG

    Also: I abandoned a bunch of ideas because I didn’t realize that “debut album” allowed that I could skip EPs (that M-A calls “EP” and not the obviously not-countable “demo”).

    If not for that I probably would have entered Baroness, too. But I’ve never even *heard* First.

  • pïgchop™
    • TheRedman(formerly God ov All)

      All 3 at the same time. Second one at 1/2 volume – zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

      • EsusMoose

        Trying this and I can only describe it as portal if they wrote classical rock influenced thrash

  • Óðhinn

    Looks like my submission didn’t make the cut. I thought it was a strong contender though:

    https://youtu.be/z2dBwYSg0y8?t=1m33s

    • Dean the P.I. Staker

      This is indeed a good pick. The Sword received a lot of undeserved hate when they first appeared. Solid album. This and Winter’s Wolves are great tracks.

      • KJM

        Love ’em. Saw them in 2012, excellent show.

      • Óðhinn

        Yeah, I guess they got branded with the “hipster” labeI, and thus metal purists had to hate them. I agree, it was undeserved. It is a solid album, and if people put their prejudices aside, and just listen to the album, it’s pretty obvious that The Sword recorded a very good Stoner / Doom album with a healthy respect for the music of Black Sabbath.

    • Actiondonkey

      This one was on my short list of possible submissions. Good pick.

  • Frostbitten Balls
  • Dean the P.I. Staker

    I love Ulver’s Bergtatt but holy fuck was that a boring riff. My prediction was correct for a few of these (boring riff from legendary album), but there were some pretty solid ones, too. Congrats to those who sought out a real gem of a riff and didn’t just submit a name.

    • Zeke… Or isaac; whatever

      While it saddens me to question the judgement of such a well-established riff evaluator, I can’t believe you’re the second person to say that riff is boring. The guitar line that starts at about 1:40 is one of my favorite parts of the entire album… Almost as great as that Suffo riff.

      • Dean the P.I. Staker

        Yeah, the riff that comes in at about 1:43 or so is better, but the riffage before that is very bland. It might be a little rule bound of me, but of the riff didn’t kick in between 1:25-1:35, I didn’t count it. Had that riff started at 1:33 instead of 10 seconds later, I would’ve thought it decent. But as it is, the riff(s) around 1:30 are pretty blah, but the album and band are both legendary.

    • Lacertilian

      C’mon man, that Sep riff is not that boring for it’s time.
      Alkaloid, Borealis, Decapitated, Gorod, Iced Earth, King Parrot, Scarab, Soreption and Testament were all on my shortlist, I had to go with Sep, some of us haven’t won before.
      Also surprised this didn’t get submitted

      https://youtu.be/UK9nJjtjlCo?t=1m24s

      • Dean the P.I. Staker

        Nah, I actually thought your pick was pretty good. Early Sepultura was thrashing magic, and that one is solid.

        • Lacertilian

          Side Note: The weirdest piece of merch I have ever bought was this bizarre double ended Morbid Visions bag from a sporadically operating market stall.
          I still don’t know what to use it for so I just hang it on a curtain rod.

  • Ahmed Johnson The Reef Eater

    There should be a best riff from a Canadian band. That would be a fun one to see the results of.

    • JWG

      A July 1 playlist post could be sort of like that (and solicit guest submissions a week before). Unfortunately, it’s a Wednesday.

      The ROTW could have a certain similar theme that week, though….

  • Lacertilian

    Farrrrk! This week is owned by the Coral. I had to listen to that song twice, I am left in dismay at my poserdom for never having heard this band before.
    Some other great entries too, The Red Album is the pretty much the only Baroness I can really get down with these days, Vegglamp had a great one, as did Hotdawg & HD always has a main contender.

    @disqus_4cmy05mgrZ:disqus Alkaloid was on my shortlist, but after seeing the Troops Of Doom riff start at almost exactly 1:30 I thought I had Joe’s goat.
    Also, @nordlingritesovkarhu:disqus and his powered hang-glider!

  • Dirt Wiz-tard
  • BLOODBEARDE

    Spear gets my vote

  • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

    no need to listen with suffocation as a selection…duece for the win!

  • pïgchop™

    Let Auntie Entity teach you all about longing; about the rage and lust for life inside:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eET6bytbUUA&feature=player_detailpage#t=24

    The riffage that is this man’s voice will live on forever: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vt1Pwfnh5pc
    Very cool version of an old favorite: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bsYp9q3QNaQ&feature=player_detailpage#t=94

  • Chaotorynth

    Ulver is love.
    Ulver is life.