Riff ov the Week: AWOL (ov Death) Edition

3/4 of the bowligarchy have gone AWOL but thar still be rrrriffs!

This week it seems that the infamous Russian super-villain has struck again and rendered the Masterlord incapacitated! We know not the severity of his plight, and have sent the closest editor in proximity, the esteemed Dubya, to his aid. The ex-president literally jumped at the chance of potentially putin a rogue Ruski in his place. Is Ruski an offensive term? Even if it is, good. In this case, I have no sympathy for whatever happens to this particular savage Slavic scoundrel. Meanwhile, Joe was last seen heading into a dentist yesterday for the first time in a while. Originally intending just to have his wisdom teeth taken out, it is now believed that after a few deep breaths of nitrous oxide he decided to also have a few of his front teeth removed. These were to be replaced with giant rodent-like incisors, thus commencing the first step in his life-long dream of metamorphosis into his ideal life-form, the capybara.

tumblr_mo06g3pKYj1r03kk7o1_500

Pictured: Joe… probably

All this means I had to break into the toiletovhellriff@gmail.com email account and post the riffs you fine/filthy animals sent in last week. This also means I’m going to take it upon myself to choose a theme for next week. So, I’m declaring next week Southern Hemisphere riff week. Send your riffs to the aforementioned email address including your chosen name, a brief description of the riff, and a link to the riff with a time-stamp. Last week, Tom Warrior’s Beanie stunk the most, obliterating a couple more olfactory organs than the mysterious caveman Gorak, and our favourite Ukrainian Tertius Decimus. Tom, you win a free wash, courtesy of yourself. Let’s get to this week’s riffs!


Howard Dean

Funny sample? Check. Bass drop? Check. Disgustingly deep gurgles over
a maelstrom of skullcrushing slams? Check. Did I just submit a slam
riff to a RotW competition? You’re fucking right I did. Is this song
about fucking corpses? You bet. Am I a stupid Cro-Magnon man? I’m
actually more of a Neanderthal, but you’re not incorrect. Start at
0:49 and feel slightly ashamed of yourself.


Tigeraid

A fellow toileteer on The Bookface Social Experiment turned me onto this gem, and it`s definitely in my SUPER SERIAL IMPORTANT SET-IN-STONE TOP 10 OF 2016 METAL.  Apparently this is their sophomore effort, and I`m going to have to go back and check out their old stuff.  Very cool proggy death metal with some interesting synth and keyboard moments thrown in–but when the riffs come, they come hard (giggle.)  The title track off The Northern Sanctuary is fantastic, with the first big riff smacking your face off at around 3:02, weaving its way back in and out as the track progresses. Then even cooler up-and-down chugging riff hits at 8:35.  Great stuff.


Tertius Decimus

When this band appeared at the horizon, there were chances this will be the future of black metal, but soon the band split up in virtually unknown status. Start the riff at the start.


Shakes 999

Sinister like the guy who reserves a table for 1 at Chuck-E-Cheese. (@ 8:20)


KJU

These Argentinians don’t expect you to cry for them with this bazooka-fisted mosher. Riffs are all throughout, but the best starts at 2:45 and goes from there.


Jack Bauer

This riff, from what is currently my favorite Black Metal album of the year just fucking CRUSHES.  There’s a short little solo that precedes it which starts around 5:05 and then the RIFF SHOWS UP TO FUCKING DESTROY YOU  around 5:12 and then the drums kick in while the riff continues and its ram everyone off the road get the fuck out of my way im going 20 over the speed limit time.


Waynecro

This is sort of a strange choice, but please give it a chance. This 90-second song is a ripper, featuring awesome dynamics, catchy hooks, swell drumming, and blistering guitar solos with lots of sweet tapping. Blast the riff at 0:16 (and again at 1:18) and let me know whether it makes you feel like you’re riding a motorcycle triumphantly across the field of battle amid exploding enemy troops or blasting across the sky in a jetpack powered by your impressive fighting spirit and overwhelming sexual prowess.


Lacertilian

I originally hadn’t planned to submit, but since I’m at home half-fucked-up on flu medication putting this damn thing together on my Saturday afternoon for you mugs, I may as well join in. Judging by the other entries here, W’s instructions of “just a regular 2016 riff week” from last week were a little too ambiguous, as some of you have submitted riffs from 2016 and others have not. Rather than exclude a few of your entries, I have chosen to portray a (completely false) façade of benevolence and include all submissions. However, I will not take my chances that you, the voting populace, will do the same, so I’ll choose a riff from a 2016 album anyway. I mini-reviewed this AWESOME debut album a couple of weeks ago from Chilean band Henosis. Riff @ 3:09.


This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 26-08-2016 19:17:07
end_date 02-09-2016 00:00:07
Poll Results:
Who riffed the riffiest riff?

(Image via, via)

Written by:

Published on: August 27, 2016

Filled Under: Riff of the Week

Views: 995

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    Byaaaah!

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    Good morning you FLUSHERS!!!!

    • Commodus, Flusher Of Worlds

      BAWOOSH, HAIL AND KILL!

    • more beer

      What’s up Boss.

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        Not much more beer. Enjoying some coffee and heading to the record store here shortly.

        • Abradolf Lincler

          pick up something blvck!

          im over here working on a saturday like a dumbass

        • more beer

          No record stores for me today. I dropped a lot of cash the other night on beer and merch. But I do have a bunch of stouts and IPA’s in the refrigerator. So I should be good.

          • Abradolf Lincler

            i got some Oscar Blues Pale Ales and Pisgah Greybeard IPA or two left

          • more beer

            I have Avery Ipa’s and also their Out of Bounds Stout. Both are very good.

          • Abradolf Lincler
          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Just got some IPAs myself called Rodeo Clown Double IPA, haha, Texas.

    • tigeraid

      Eating a GLORIOUS Belgian waffle! Hail!

      • Commodus, Flusher Of Worlds

        Rice, beans, meatballs, coffee and cigs for breakfast over here.

        • more beer

          Coffee and some OG God Bud Shatter for me. There is nothing like starting the day with coffee and fine marijuana extracts.

          • Commodus, Flusher Of Worlds

            Milwaukee’s Best a little later for me, as usual. Only the finest!

          • more beer

            There is nothing best about that!

          • Commodus, Flusher Of Worlds

            Wrong! It’s right in the name, so it’s gotta be true! Nyeah!
            Truth be told, I’m probably getting something that’s at least halfway decent, but haven’t figured out what yet. Maybe something fancy, like Old Milwaukee.

          • more beer

            Just because it says that, it doesn’t make it true.

          • MYSTERIOUS CAVEMAN GORAK™

            ME ALWAYS ASSUMED IT SOME KIND OF INSIDE JOKE!!!!!!!

          • more beer

            A bad joke at that!

          • Commodus, Flusher Of Worlds

            Pay no heed to him, good sir caveman, for he will lead you to his overpriced fruit beers! 😉

          • MYSTERIOUS CAVEMAN GORAK™

            CAVEMAN NEED NOTHING FANCY!!!!!!!!!!!
            http://www.beerbible.net/beerpics/lzriperoni.jpg

          • Commodus, Flusher Of Worlds

            Haven’t had that one in god knows how long! Good pick!

          • Gladyssgonzalez3

            Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !iw893t:
            On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
            !iw893t:
            ➽➽
            ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash613TopToneGetPay$97Hour ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★::::::!iw893t:….,….

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        I wish I had waffles. I don’t own a waffle maker though and Eggo wafiles aren’t good enough for me

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        HAIL! WAFFLES!

    • ME GORAK!!!™

      HI BOSS!!!!!!!!

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        Hello Gorak, what’s a dashing caveman like yourself up to today?

        • MYSTERIOUS CAVEMAN GORAK™

          COFFEE & RIFFS NOW!!!!!! SMASHING, HAILING, KILLING LATER!!!!!!!!

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Sounds like the perfect day.

          • Commodus, Flusher Of Worlds

            And how’s your day so far, guardian of the hall?

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Well, I’m at the record store, so things are pretty awesome!

          • Commodus, Flusher Of Worlds

            Sweeeeeeeeeet!

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Well, that record store basically sucked. So on to the next one!

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      Good morning.

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        JJD! What will you listen to today?

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          Good question. I have work from 12 to 4 and I have a hair appointment at 4:30 so I will listen to some Deafheaven, some Steppenwolb and some Geoff Tate before that.

          • Abradolf Lincler

            Hair appointment?

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I have a haircut appointment. My hair is way too bushy. It doesn’t grow to be long and luscious so I get it cut every month or two.

          • Abradolf Lincler

            I have never had to make an appointment at a barber before

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I go to a specific person who does my hair and they only work on weekends. They’re also very good at what they do so they get quite a few requests.

          • Abradolf Lincler

            my advice: shave that shit off bro

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            And listen to more Punk.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I don’t want to be bald. I don’t look good with a shaved head either. I get it very short.

          • more beer

            Fuck yea. If you own a set of clippers you never need to make an appointment. Plus they pay themselves off pretty quickly when you don’t have to have someone cut your hair.

          • Abradolf Lincler
          • more beer

            I have a nice one too.

          • Commodus, Flusher Of Worlds

            Pffffffffffffffft, gotta go big, bro!

            https://www.knife-depot.com/bundles/ircknifedepotcom/images/articles/machete-buying-guide/machete.jpg

            For a closer, smoother shave every time.

          • Abradolf Lincler

            Before I have used ones that were made for Animals until I got these

          • MYSTERIOUS CAVEMAN GORAK™

            GORAK DIGS SOME QUEENSRYCHE WITH TATE!!!!!!!!!

            https://youtu.be/QanVuQIXU5s

          • Zeke

            dude, if you’re posting queensryche, do the damn thing right https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OyTe9HCdXik

    • The Mighty Thorange

      GOOD AFTERNOON!

      • Commodus, Flusher Of Worlds

        Long time no see!

        • The Mighty Thorange

          I was on holiday for a bit and forgot my log in information while away so I had no way of communicating.

          • Commodus, Flusher Of Worlds

            Ah, gotcha. Hope you had fun.

          • The Mighty Thorange

            Aye. Real fun. Travelling mostly through the beer belt of Europe. Austria, Czech Republic, Germany, Nederlands and Belgium, plus Spain and Italy but they don’t do beer there.

          • Commodus, Flusher Of Worlds
      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        Hail! Mighty traveler of time!

  • Abradolf Lincler

    huh, yeah i thought this was supposed to be 2016 riffs. so i donno if im allowed to vote for Akhlys or not

    • ME GORAK!!!™

      THERE VOTE BUTTON!!!!!! AKHLYS IS A GOOD!!!!!!! GORAK GONNA DO IT!!!!!!!!

      • Abradolf Lincler

        one of my favs from last year, maybe ill spin dat wax when i get home. im going to timewizzardlizzard myself with you caveman

    • Shakes 999

      I specifically told Joe I didn’t know what I was doing when i sent it in. He knew what he was getting in to *laughs*

      • Abradolf Lincler

        It’s all good you submitted a riff from one of my favorite albums from last year so…

      • Lacertilian

        I saw that, decided to include it anyway as half the other submissions weren’t from 2016 either.
        Also, that album was one of my most listened to records from last year, I’m transparent in my bias.

  • Scrimm

    Howard dean for submitting something off New Standard Elite

  • Commodus, Flusher Of Worlds

    Loving this Witherscape stuff so far! Reminds me of Fields Of The Nephilim on the first parts.

  • The Mighty Thorange

    Definitely going to listen to more Witherscape. That was awesome. Strange seeing 9mm P9mm Parabellum Bullet on here though. I wonder if Waynecro is a fan of Berserk, the only manga/anime worth mentioning, seeing as it is the opening song for the new series of it?

    • Waynecro

      Fuck yes: Berserk is the shit, and the new series has been awesome so far (despite the CG looking mostly like garbage). I’ve been a 9mm Parabellum Bullet fan for a while, but I heard this new song because of Berserk.

      • The Mighty Thorange

        Good to hear from another berserk fan. I should go listen to more 9mm Parabellum Bullet then because I really do like that song. I must admit though, that I watched the first 4 episodes of the new series and thought it was shite. Not just because of the 3D, CG animation, although that is one of the biggest problems (and it’s strange considering that parts like the flashback sequences are animated with 2D and look awesome so why couldn’t they have done the whole show like that?) but I found the pacing horrible and the sound effects are terrible. The “CLANG” sound every time Guts hits something with the Dragonslayer is annoying as fuck. Oh well, I always have the series to read.

        • Waynecro

          I’ve never read the manga, so I’m just happy to see the story progressing all these years after the original series.

          • The Mighty Thorange

            I can understand that. I would highly recommend reading the source material though. It is highly superior to all other versions. I forgot to mention that the new anime skips one of my favourite arcs as well. Which has awesome shit like this in it.

          • Waynecro

            Guts is fucking awesome. I’ll have to find and read the books one of these days. They’re probably online somewhere. I did play the Dreamcast game back in the day.

          • The Mighty Thorange

            They are online. Most are fan translations that vary from very good to terrible. I would recommend the translations on Mangasee. Also there is another Berserk game coming out later this year made by the same developers as Dynasty Warriors and it actually looks really fucking good!

  • Tom Warriors Beanie

    South Park samples always win.

  • Zeke

    shakes, is this your first entry? if so, nice work. I never heard of akhlys before, but I dig it (even though it apparently isn’t from 2016)

    • Abradolf Lincler

      It is the same guy from nightbringer and Bestia Arcana

    • Lacertilian

      Pretty popular album last year ’round these parts. Worth your $.

      • Zeke

        I guess that just supports my theory that there’s too much music coming out. I completely missed this one last year. AND it’s on Spotify so I’m all set

    • Shakes 999

      Yep! I mentioned I didn’t know what I was doing in the email. I’m glad they posted it regardless.

      • Zeke

        Good first submission. You turned me on to that

  • Hymenotomy has crushed my dick.

  • Trash can snare slam for the win!

    • Commodus, Flusher Of Worlds

      Someone submitted Slipknot?!

    • Abradolf Lincler

      that is a trill snare

  • EsusMoose

    I for one accept our new capybara overlord

  • tertius_decimus

    Is that legal to post such insane songs like Howard did?

    Howard wins. No competition.

  • Dave Vincent’s Perm

    Black Fucking Cancer >>>>>>

  • Commodus, Flusher Of Worlds

    Damn, apparently no love for thrash today! NYEAH!

    • Abradolf Lincler

      i think everyone just assumes whatever youve submitted is high caliber weeaboo lol

      • Commodus, Flusher Of Worlds

        Nope nope. Pure Argentinian thrash!

  • Count_Breznak

    Now where did I see Howards entry before…

    • EsusMoose

      Last week?

      • Count_Breznak

        Na, ’bout 3 month ago.

  • Xinen

    Voted for Tigeraid since I love Swano, but Waynecro and KJU deserve credit for getting me to look the bands up. I also enjoy the occasional slam but I just couldn’t, sorry HD. That 9mm Parabellum vid’s bandmember’s glowing eyes reminds me of They Live, which is always a good thing. I’ve been wanting to binge some Carpenter films lately. The Thing, They Live, Big Trouble in Little China oh yeah. I love the atmosphere most of his films have.

  • Waynecro

    Thanks, Lacertilian. I’m glad I wasn’t mistaken in thinking the riffs were supposed to be from 2016.

    • Lacertilian

      I took it that way, but I can see how it may have been interpreted differently. No such ambiguity next week. SOUTH OF THE EQUATOR OR DIE!

      • Abradolf Lincler

        i just wanna say: STRAYAAAAAAAA

  • LizWhiz slayed you all. I hope it hurts.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan
  • Commodus, Flusher Of Worlds

    Speaking of Southern Hemisphere, Australia’s finest sums it up better than us Americans can.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CceQISThDYQ

  • Ted Nü-Djent ™

    Some good selections this week especially from Tigeraid, Tertius and Bauer but if I remembered to submit this week I was going to probably go with Witherscape. So then Tiger wins it for mine.

  • JFB wins this one for me. That FUCKING riff, bruh.