Riff ov the Actual Week: 3/14/15


Originally, Riff ov the Week was designed to highlight the best riffs that came out during a given week. As you damn well know, that’s not how it ended up. This week, as a theme, we relived what might have been if you all weren’t defiant little turd-eaters. An experiment.

An experiment that failed miserably. I got five submissions. It just goes to show that my mom was right all those years ago when she said, “Every time you have an idea, just assume it’s a shit idea because you’ve never had a non-shit idea in your life and you never will, you ugly little bastard.” I award innumerable GBPs to the ever reliable JoeW.DagonStanley, and Ted Nü-Djent. The rest of you aren’t worth your weight in gross bags of piss. That being said, my butt-disappointment is assuaged by the fact that I really need to get my ass on the road to see Enslaved anyway. A little bird told me that they’ll be playing “Fenris” tonight, and I fully intend to take off all my clothes and absorb every wave of sound into my exposed skin.

Last weekRandall Thor came out on top by one measly vote. I congratulate you.


Next week:

  • Let’s get back on track with a good, old-fashioned riff-off. I want riffs. Old riffs, new riffs, it doesn’t matter. Just make sure they kick ass.
  • Send your riffs to toiletovhellriff@gmail.com.
  • If you have an idea for a theme, let me know what it is.



I nominate the shittiest riff ever by the shittiest band in the entire world, who just this week released the shittiest album ever recorded. Chop-busting aside, Scab (brought to you by our very own Tyree) completely destroys, and the first riff in “Worm Feast” is the riff of the actual week. Represent.


Joe Thrashnkill

“Hope”, my favorite track from the latest Harm’s Way release Rust, is filled to the brim with tasty riffage. At 1:57 we’re taken back to the 90s with some sweet Helmet-tribute (just after the RIPPING bounce riff at 1:40).



You wouldn’t need to possess ESPN to predict that I would submit an Imperial Triumphant riff this week. The riff that kicks in at 3:05 sounds like a horde of gigantic space bees swarming and crushing my skull.



The riff that starts at 7:10 is crammed so far up my brain I don’t think it will ever stop playing in my head. Slow & low. Doom & gloom.


Ted Nü-Djent

I’m sure that the intention wasn’t for a 31 year old songs to appear on this weeks ROTW, but when it’s a reissue of Judas Priest Defenders Of The Faith, then it can’t be denied. The whole album is a masterpiece but I’m submitting this track as it is the song that turned me from a casual Priest fan to a genuine Priest fan. Riff starts at 0:01 and is the main riff that drives the song.



Everyone knows that Deathhammer packs more poseur destroying might than an M1 Abrams Tank and so when the riff at 1:48 kicks in, it’s either step the fuck back or get leveled. It’s your choice.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 14-12-2014 20:22:33
end_date 15-03-2015 09:00:00
Poll Results:
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  • Scrimm

    Sorry dude, I completely forgot about this.

    • MoshOff

      Same man, I was going to listen to as many new stuff as I could and all of a sudden it’s Saturday.

  • I have to betray my allegiance to grindcore and go with Harm’s Way. I’ve been jamming it on repeat the past few days and it is excellent.

  • Dagon

    I shat the bed on this one, should have waited to put up some sweet Porta Nigra riffs.

    Also, Worm Feast was my favorite song from Scab’s latest.

  • I wanted to submit this one but I was a little fuzzy on the release date which said it was released last week but bandcamp, youtube, etc. all say October. Anyway, Wrong is awesome, total Helmet worship.


    • Dagon


  • Dagon

    I voted for Joe, because Helmet.


    • This could be my week! Everything’s coming up Milhouse!

      • Gluteus_Maximus_Rage

        Gotta say, I’m not huge into hardcore, but I do love a few bands, and I didn’t mind Harms Way’s earlier releases, but this album really hits hard with me. Perhaps it’s the actual production of the album this time ’round that really gives it that extra oomph for me.

        • I’ve been raving about the recording since I first heard it. That’s enough to draw you in and get you hooked.

    • Guacamole Jim

      I’m listening to Inanimate Sensation, and this gif is mesmerizing.


      • Dagon

        ON GP is my jam this week. Can’t stop listening to it… the lyrics are perfect.

      • Formerly Known As Oli Sykes

        DG is awesome, can’t wait for Jenny Death.

        You seen this delightful mashup of Lord Of The Game and Thomas The Tank Engine.


        • Guacamole Jim


  • Reichsmarschall Dean von Steel

    I think the lack of entries might speak to the fact that there really isn’t a lot of quality riffage released every week. And of the small amount of stuff that is actually solid that is released each week, giving it one or two quick listens while you scroll through bandcamp or NCS isn’t really conducive to finding the good riffs. Despite the insatiable consumption of new music every week, and the very immediate (but not necessarily lasting) satisfaction derived from a cursory listen and discussion of it, most new releases are pretty mediocre (if not outright bad). And that’s OK. Not everything will be a stunner. Not all bands write good riffs. Not even all “good” bands write good riffs. I feel like the lack of entries this week is a product of that.

    Or, maybe everyone was just really busy/drunk/high/otherwise preoccupied and completely forgot. But I like my theory better. You can say I’m a dreamer.

    But I’m not the only one.

    • EsusMoose

      I had an idea, but yes this last week was not plentiful in riffs and I forgot about finding the riff

    • Stanley

      Maybe the riff of the week could be based on albums that were released the previous week. Although this concept could confuse many a flusher, it would provide more time for gems to be uncovered.

    • Spear

      Can confirm, this week blew donkeys.

    • Scrimm

      You’re probably right. Cursory listening and enjoyment does not necessarily lead to a lasting impression. Almost all of my favortie releases had to grow on me.

    • I think you’re quite right. But I had to try it! My mother always said, “You’ll never achieve anything if you don’t try. Or if you do try.”

      • Reichsmarschall Dean von Steel

        My mother always said “I really wish you didn’t survive birth.”

        • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

          damn.. yer mom was a real sweetie
          (just kiddin—glad yer not dead–have a long and prosperous life-except politically)
          both at once


          • Reichsmarschall Dean von Steel

            Yep, I just phoned Satan: Hell has officially frozen over.

            Thanks(?) zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. That was unexpected and thoughtful. <3

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            I love 10cc!

      • Gluteus_Maximus_Rage

        Hey Masterlord, I emailed an idea for RotW a couple of weeks ago to the riff email address. Was it seen? Should I email directly to you?

      • Stanley

        Have to tried a tremolo picking ROTW?

        • Reichsmarschall Dean von Steel

          YES. THIS. BYAH.

          • DARKBEARD

            Dis good idea.

      • Virgil the Ghost Poet

        I’m not digital and I get all my stuff in the mail. Love you though.

    • I don’t normally listen to things right when they come out. It usually takes me a couple weeks, or even months.

      • Max

        Tell me about it! My New Year’s resolution was to actively seek out new metal instead of wallowing in the past, so I’ve been making a concerted effort to click on practically every single stream link the TovH provides on Tuesdays, even if only in a “Nup. Next!”-type method. I’ve also been doing this for Metalsucks’s “Shit That Comes Out Today” column.

        And I HAVE discovered a few gems. But I’m already several weeks behind on the auditioning workload.

        • The way I see it, if it’s really good, someone else will bring it up again later. Which is great, because once I decided that I like post/sludge/stoner, my to-listen queue blew up.

    • JVVG

      My issue was that both of the albums I wanted to refer to were only available as Soundcloud streams that were locked from being re-used on other sites. With the exception of one song each, neither of which I felt up to ROTW standards.

      I could have sent the full stream link in and had Masterlord figure out how to present a song that couldn’t be presented, but I figured that would just be mean.

      There is a second tune from Iskra’s new album, but I’m pretty sure it was only released *this* week; as I didn’t see it on their bandcamp page until Grim Kim pointed her article out on Twitter this morning:

      If it doesn’t play automatically, click inside the album image.

    • it’s a good riff category though cause it makes everyone think and the entries aren’t all filled up in 10 hours.
      i’m guilty; i been sorta busy lately (also drunk).

      • Virgil the Ghost Poet

        Hi Jimmy.

    • Virgil the Ghost Poet

      I was with you all the way until you had to quote a weiny.

      • Reichsmarschall Dean von Steel


        I AM THE WALRUS.

        • Virgil the Ghost Poet

          I hope your yellow submarine sinks.

          • Reichsmarschall Dean von Steel

            It did sink. Everyone died. I am quite lonely (Hearts Club Band). We hope that you enjoy the show.

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            I guess I’ll have to Twist and Shout and declare you the winner because I am out of weiny references.

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            I bet when the Yellow Submarine sunk his guitar gently wept and without the leadership of Sgt Pepper Revolution #9 began. Maybe you’re amazed that a working class hero knew that all things must pass once he saw a photograph of himself as a child. Or maybe you’re amazed that I fit this many Beatles puns and puns of all their solo careers in this statement.

  • Stanley

    Scab should be made a mandatory part of the syllabus for all toileteers.

    • We must become one with the Scab.

    • the new album is terrific!

      • Stanley

        Yep, it’s most excellent. Quite old school sounding to these ears. Not just a wall of noise. Great riffs and the drumming is the best I’ve ever heard. Ever.

    • Kim Jong Un’s Supreme Mankini

      I’m hearing all the buzz, and have to check it out. What song should I start with?

      • Stanley

        There’s 22 songs in 5 minutes!! You can’t go wrong.

  • Ted Nü-Djent ™

    I submitted mine because I thought there would have been numerous Psycroptic and Enslaved entries

  • Stanley

    Joe, do you think your riff is a Helemt-tribute or Helmet rip off. 🙂 Or maybe it’s a Parkway Drive rip off (opening riff below).


    • I’m going to err on the side of tribute but who knows? Maybe the Gaye estate will take them to court.

      • Kim Jong Un’s Supreme Mankini

        Or Taylor Swift, since she’s copyrighted every word in every language. I already got Harvey Birdman on call just in case I ever refer to a drummer having sick beats.

  • It totally forgot to submit a riff. I guess it is just as well as I haven’t listened to any newly released music this week. On a positive note, I finally finished listening to all the albums that piqued my interest from 2014. I’ll finally start listening to some new music this week.

    • Maik Beninton

      We all forgot.
      I was thinking of submitting a Psycroptic song but I didn’t give another listen after it apeared on TT

  • J.R.

    I informed my girlfriend that the new Scab came out. “Scab?” She started. “Sounds crusty”.

    She has no idea

    • Dagon

      That’s a keeper

  • FeelTheDarknesses

    Thank you Ted

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Vote for Dagon because doooooooommmm…….

  • D. Lee

    Fuck, that Harm’s Way riff <3. Crossing my fingers in hopes of seeing them with Converge in a couple weeks

  • JamesGrimm
    • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

      This is pretty sexy. Would seem to be a band that require further investigation.

  • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

    Judas Priest wins.

    • Scrimm


  • Guacamole Jim

    Tyree. Nuff said.

  • Dr. Dubz

    Man, with how much y’all were going on about Deathhammer all week, I was sure it would win the day.

    • Enemy Of The Free World

      Errybody was sp depressed when it wasn’t released (still hasn’t), so no one voted for it.

  • Joe had me at ‘bounce riff.’

  • Enemy Of The Free World

    I was really gonna submit a riff on Tuesday, but then I opened a beer…

    • Gluteus_Maximus_Rage

      Yeeep, that’ll getcha every time!


    Hey guys, I’ve been super busy this week. Just got a raise. Hope everyone is well. Who should I vote for?

    • Enemy Of The Free World

      Seeing as Masterlord already won, vote for Dagon.


        Mmmmmmmm maybe I should cast stones, I wont favor a favorite.

    • Kim Jong Un’s Supreme Mankini

      I voted for Ted, but then again I’m partial to Judas Priest. And Deathhammer is lolbuttz!

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    universal sadness and pain—riffs of madness–
    cowboys and spock
    and satan
    all 3 at once–full vol



  • Kim Jong Un’s Supreme Mankini

    Definitely not metal, but check the riff around 3:00.


  • pïgchop™

    Judas Priest-Turbo Lover (Hi-Octane Mix) (Long Version)


  • Tyreeling In The Years

    Jesus fucking christ.