Riff Of The Week: Primal Edition

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This week’s competition is brought to you by Prehistory™ – “History’s History!”.

Before we paint the cave walls with that natural brown ochre littering the floor that smells suspiciously like butt puke, let’s tally-ho ol’ boy and take a look at whot’s all this then eh chums from last week’s British Edition.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As expected, it came down to Bolt Thrower, Carcass, and Napalm Death. And since nobody submitted Carcass or Napalm Death, Bolt Thrower won RotW for a record 439th time. Even Karl Willetts tweeted his surprise at the results. Not because they won yet again, but rather that they won with one of their lesser riffs. Sounds like if you really have no other options left but to submit Bolt Thrower, you’d better be coming in with something a bit more formidable to make King Karl proud.

This week we asked for riffs that make you feel like a goddamn caveman, and no-one submitted any ignant hardcore or stooped to some slack-snared slam. Congratulations! I’m predicting things to get real dumb in here anyway, which is perfect really, because it’s the weekend. This is the time of week that exists solely to for us revert back to our primitive state. So take your pants off, start a fire in your living room, get yourself a drink of something brown-coloured (SRM26+/EBC50+ minimum), gnaw on the festering carcass of the nearest vertebrate, and ignore all your modern responsibilities for the rest of the day…it’s time to grunt a lot and scratch ourselves where it feels real good – the tympanic membrane. Don’t forget if you use the PROMO CODE SMOCK when starting your free 14 second trial with today’s sponsors at Incestry.com you’ll get a free estrangement from a distant relative of your choice.


GORAK

Leviathan – “Dawn Vibration”

1 SAVAGE PRIMAL SMASH RIFF COMING UP @ 0:34


Positronic Brain

Sepultura – “Roots Bloody Roots”

Because Max Cavalera IS a fucking caveman. His preferred style of hyper-simplistic head-nodding groove metal, his questionable hygiene, and his insistence on usually just shouting a few words over and over in the choruses of songs all scream “NOT FULLY DEVELOPED.” Don’t let 2017’s again-thrashy, trve Max fool you; he still considers Roots his apex, and (speaking from experience having played this song in a nu metal cover band) all it takes is blasting out the intro riff (0:14) in front of a crowd of sweaty metalheads to see why: it awakens primal urges to bang your head, to bellow “ROOOOOOTS, BLOODY ROOOOOTS,” and, yes, to jump da fuck up.


Hans

Conan – “Crown Of Thorns”

While Conan would have qualified last week, they are perhaps even more apt for this week’s theme. Because Conan get you, man. Conan know that underneath that suit of yours, the caveman lurks. They might acknowledge our advancement as a species with groovy and mighty riffs more sophisiticated than this one, but they also know that all sophistication will go right out the window at the push of a button. They know that if need be, you will not hesitate to repeatedly smash your neighbour’s head in with whatever blunt object is close at hand. Conan know how closely you resemble your ancestors. They don’t judge you though; those primal instincts survived for a reason, and Conan pay tribute to them at 7:36. It doesn’t get more primitve than this. Give in to the caveman.


ElusiveSamsquanch

Cannibal Corpse – “Scourge Of Iron”

When I think of cavemen I think of George Fisher’s neck. The mindless, primitive, repeating riff on this song (0:00 – :45 without vocals) is the perfect background music for dragging home a freshly killed saber tooth, throwing it on the spit and dancing around an open fire pit exclaiming in unintelligible grunts the celebration of a hard day’s work to feed his 25 Neanderthal kids and less than desirable wife.


Ted Nu-Djent

Impaled Nazarene – “Armageddon Death Squad”

It starts off with the bass Riff and by the time Mika comes in with “RIGHT, NOW FUCK OFF!” the riff kicks in and my usually mild mannered self becomes a maniacal idiot with an urge to cause wanton damage to public properties, kick puppies and punch babies. I’ve also banned myself from driving while listening to this song. You’ve been warned.


Doc Turlov

Carnivore – “Predator”

Submitted for your approval, dear toileteers, is this snippet from one of metal’s oft-forgotten gems.  A gem indeed unearthed from the C.H.U.D.-esque landscape created by Brooklyn’s thermonuclear warriors, Carnivore.  Both full length albums, 1985’s self-titled debut and its 1987 follow-up “Retaliation” are stuffed chock full of hooks and riffs but let’s focus on the opener of the eponymous disc.  After the opening riff of “Predator” riff sends you to the surface for harvest of meat, the focal crushing beastriff at 2:14 brings you back to your post-apocalyptic hole with human carrion in tow.  Hack, roast, and nosh.


Lacertilian

Rippikoulu – “Kadonneet Jumalat”

After reading Dubs’ post about Obscura‘s altered album speed yesterday I remembered jamming Rippikoulu’s 1993 behemoth Musta Seremonia at 1.5x speed once not too long ago to great effect. However, the Finnish classic needs no such alteration to fit this theme. Listening to this album is akin to unearthing a complete skeleton of some prehistoric sauropod, each colossal riff a bone in the monolithic structure, relics of a by-gone era where rampant gigantism remained unchecked and was yet to be curtailed by evolutionary pressures. Hit play at 0:42 and let the clomping hooves cave your chest in.


This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 05-05-2017 20:22:33
end_date 12-05-2017 23:59:59
Poll Results:
Ough?

Next week we’re going into spaaaaaaaaace. Send me riffs that fit the theme of space in some way. Email your entries to toiletovhellriff@gmail.com including your screen-name, a time-stamp of the riff and a short description by Friday. 

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  • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

    Love that Leviathan album, but personally I don’t really feel the “Caveman” connection.

    Just so you know, I voted Rippikoulu. Musta Seremonia features some of the most primal death metal recorded on tape. As a bonus the album sounds decrepit as hell to boot.

    • more beer

      I gotta give it to Carnivore, if you want to talk about the caveman feel, they actually came out and played dressed like cavemen. Wearing furs and throwing meat around.

      • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

        Carnivore’s alright, but personally I’m not the biggest fan of crossover thrash in general – despite an exception here or there of course. I enjoy the style immensely in a live setting, but on tape it’s a bit too straightforward for my personal taste.

        • ME GORAK™✓ᶜᵃᵛᵉᵐᵃⁿ
          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            It’s not bad, but it’s basically one of the most stripped down styles you’ll find in metal. I appreciate some more creativity and/or atmosphere in metal than what you’re gonna find in most crossover thrash.

          • more beer

            It being stripped down is what makes it good.Personally I prefer my metal more stripped down and raw.

          • High on Vallenfyre

            Sometimes you just need to get to the point and rock the fuck out!

          • more beer

            Yes sir.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Of course, it’s a matter of personal taste. It may sound strange, but metal that’s really really stripped down honestly bores me. Unless it has tons of atmosphere: Hellhammer, early Bathory, early Destruction, early Napalm Death, Possessed, Darkthrone…are all very stripped down and straight forward, but at the same time feature tons and tons of atmosphere, which makes the music by those bands “interesting” in my book. Thrash bands like Demolition Hammer or Razor are reasonably stripped down as well – though I think Demolition Hammer’s songs are actually excellently composed – but those bands have a certain vibe going on that makes me love their music. That’s just something I miss in most crossover thrash and powerviolence.
            I can listen to a 2 hour long album by Esoteric being captivated at all the layers and details that the band has going on in their sound, while on the other hand I can listen to a 20 minute powerviolence album and fall asleep halfway through just because there’s nothing there that catches my attention.

            At the end of the day, it all boils down to personal preference, but when I listen to a metal album, I want something that keeps my head occupied.
            Metal in a live setting is a different story…

          • KJM, Dr. Disco

            Sometimes I feel like Rush, other times like Dead Kennedys.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            See, I do like my fair share of Dead Kennedys songs, but if I want to invest myself in an entire album, I’ll go with Rush any day of the week.

          • more beer

            It isn’t like you have dedicate that much time to any Dead Kennedy’s album. They tend to be pretty short. With a lot of short songs.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            I have a copy of both Fresh Fruit and Plastic Surgery Disasters at home and both are classics for a reason but I’m rarely in the mood to give those albums a spin.

          • more beer

            Both great albums. I think you just prefer metal to punk. Myself I like both equally.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            I’m definitely more of a metal listener. That doesn’t mean punk is bad, the genre just doesn’t click with me as much as some other rock-based genres do.

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™
          • more beer

            I have posted that myself in the past.

          • Óðinn

            …Almond Joy’s got nuts, Mounds don’t.

          • KJM, Dr. Disco

            Exactly.

          • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

            Same here. Overly technical metal gets tiresome to my ears

          • more beer

            The same here. There is very little tech death that I really like. For that reason.

      • KJM, Dr. Disco

        You know I love Pete so Carnivore it is!

        • more beer

          I know, you know where I stand on this.

  • GrungierNine0

    I voted Scourge of Iron. Bottom heavy marching riffs get the juices flowing.

    • GoatForest

      Yep. Me too. Scourge of Iron all the way. I adore Leviathan, but they’ve never seemed particularly blunt to me.

  • SgtShock

    I was gonna submit something from Intronaut’s Prehistoricisms but I figured somebody else would get it. Sad day. 😢

  • Spear

    Came down to Cannibal Corpse and Carnivore for me. While I think Scourge of Iron has the superior riff, Predator felt like it fit the theme more. Tough choice.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      I went Corpse. I’d forgotten all about that riff until I heard it.

      • High on Vallenfyre

        I realized I haven’t listened to them in a minute. I should rectify that today.

      • I joked to HD about voting for Hans just to rustle his jimmies, but really I went Corpse as well. That song slays!

  • Just Hans

    Of all these way too sophisticated riffs, Rippikoulu’s was the least too sophisticated.

  • ME GORAK™✓ᶜᵃᵛᵉᵐᵃⁿ

    ALL THESE RIFFS SAVAGE & GET SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASHHH OV APPROVAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT ESPECIALLY IMPALED NAZARENE!!!!! (& LEVIATHAN!!!)
    https://68.media.tumblr.com/4c07139047314b9df06d44930aa0b050/tumblr_nyubcrEToU1r3kmkso1_500.gif

  • Grvm Spectre ov Derth

    “Roots” is basically primal music mixed with knuckle-dragging metal, so it’s easily the closest thing to a caveman metal album as we have.

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    Rippikoulu, Nazarene and Leviathan, eh? You’re fighting hard for your divine lord’s love this week.

  • KJM, Dr. Disco
  • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

    Should I be happy that I won RotW, or sad that Karl Willetts doesn’t approve of my choice of riff?

    Also, apologies to Howard Dean. I honestly didn’t know you had submitted (and had won with) that riff before. Its just such an awesome riff

    • Lacertilian

      The Bolt Thrower domination is kind of a long-running thing with RotW (as is being a dick about the winning riff), although we hadn’t had a BT submission for a while so it was bound to happen sooner or later. No need to feel bad, ya dun gud!

  • Hubert

    Everyone that doesn’t vote Conan is a false caveman

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      I’m false.

      • James

        me too.

  • Depechemodeisgangsta

    For me it came down to Leviathan and CC, but had to go with Scourge of Iron, because even when playing Live, that Riff just stand out, and makes you want to smash something like a Caveman.

  • Sir Ukkometso The Based

    Finland, Finland, Finland
    The country where I want to be

    • Lacertilian

      (Except in Spring tho right?)

      • Sir Ukkometso The Based

        In Spring, Summer and Fall, yes.

        • Lacertilian

          Son ofa Beech

          • Sir Ukkometso The Based

            Only Winter allows me life. Everything else sucks ass. A very poopy and uncleaned ass.

  • Howard Dean

    I submitted a riff (but I think I did so too late and it missed the deadline). Overall I’ve got to say that I’m pretty disappointed in the Terlet’s performance this week. Weak showing for “primeval/caveman” riffs. Clearly outside the ToH’s wheelhouse, cause damn. All of the submissions didn’t have to be bestial black/death metal, beatdown hardcore, or slam, but probably these most caveman styles of music should be represented at least once.

    Ted’s Impaled Nazarene riff is the best of the bunch.

    • Just Hans

      Some harsh byaaahs there. I guess everyone expected everyone else to submit some slam or war metal type stuff – that’s where my mind went first, anyway – and wanted to be the one with the non-obvious idea.

      • KJM, Dr. Disco

        I prefer clean byaaahs myself.

      • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

        I do enjoy some war metal – though it’s an extremely niche kind of genre – but I think the fact that no slam or beatdown got submitted, is because most probably think it sucks ass. Something I would definitely agree with; I’d even go on a limb and say that those genres are godawful and that, in terms of musical intelligence, they’re even a step below Five Finger Death Punch.

        • KJM, Dr. Disco

          I can’t decide if I’m amused or annoyed that a Rock genre called “Beatdown” exists.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Despite that the genre is always critically trashed, it has become reasonably widespread. In my area, in bumfuck Belgium, I know of at least 4 different bands that play this beatdown hardcore. Basically none of the musicians that are in those bands are what I would call “tough guys”. They put on their “br00tal” act whenever they play in front of a 20 person crowd, ordering them to beat the shit out of each other – which is pretty fucking retarded if you ask me – but in real life none of them are actually “hard” dudes.

        • GoatForest

          What’s beatdown? Is that like Throwdown or Hatebreed?

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Hatebreed, Throwdown…are basically metallic hardcore. Beatdown is a different beast. There aren’t really any “big name” beatdown bands, at least not in a Hatebreed big name way.
            Instrumentally speaking beatdown features rather simplistic, crushing, smashing hardcore riffs and breakdowns. Vocals are often very deep growls with sometimes higher screams; almost deathcore-like.
            Primarily meant for some knuckledragging fun; from a musical point of view it’s pretty boring in my opinion.

          • GoatForest

            Gotcha.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      Why, thank you Howard. Unless you mean it’s the best of a bad bunch.

    • Lacertilian

      Yah I didn’t leave the post until the last minute this week.
      Also, the theme was riffs that make you feel like a caveman.

      • Howard Dean

        People are pretty wimpy cavemen, then.

        • Lacertilian

          Maybe so, but let’s not get all Australopithycuss about this

        • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

          I get that you don’t agree with the picks here, but implying that those Rippikoulu, Carnivore, Conan…or frankly any other of the submitted riffs are “wimpy” is reaaaaalllllyyyyy stretching it a bit.

          I think most people just pick riffs of the music they think is actually good – the actual theme is kinda secondary to most people – and frankly, war metal does have a (well deserved) dedicated cult following, but slam or beatdown are styles most don’t think too highly of. Doesn’t surprise me nothing of that ilk gets submitted.

          • Howard Dean

            Simply put: Going by the “riffs that make you feel like a caveman” definition, I expected more. However, caveman-esque metal is mostly outside the ToH’s wheelhouse, so really I shouldn’t have expected more. So now I realize I shouldn’t be disappointed because I really shouldn’t have expected to see “caveman” metal (bestial, slam, beatdown, etc).

            ToH is more of an “elephants marching” type of place (to borrow the parlance of our esteemed colleague Axl Rosenberg) than a caveman den, and that’s what we saw in this RotW.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Whenever there’s a RotW I honestly don’t have any clear expectations. I mean, I wouldn’t have submitted a slam or beatdown riff myself, because whenever I hear something from those respective genres, the feeling of cringe predominates every other feeling I may get out of the music. As for bestial? I’ve sat through my fair share and I like the classic acts of the genre, but in general in my opinion there’s a ton of mediocre samey bands to be found there as well.
            Submissions are always going to be subjectively coloured, no matter what the actual theme is.

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            I took the theme as riffs that make you go bat shit crazy and submitted accordingly.

    • I voted for Hans’ pick because he is the funniest Disqus user these days.

      • Sid Vicious Promos

        Jimmy plz!

  • Scrimm

    Best header image

  • Count_Breznak

    Fuck, wanted to submit the first song of https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ar9nK9OAbW4

  • James

    Hmmmm…. maybe Backbone by Gojira….

  • KJM, Dr. Disco

    Ya, ve vill beat you down into de ground like the girly man you are!
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=827SjYdZBxg

  • Karl Wiletts twit=fucking A!