Riff Of The Week: Nuclear Edition
Brought to you by Decay® – “Guaranteed To Last!”
Before we get into today’s contest, let’s take a look at the results from last week’s Tech Edition. Shit was tighter than djent dork’s noise-gate with only 1% separating the top two riffs at the end of polling. However, I think on a week where over 60% of the vote is shared between Gorguts, Psycroptic, and Suffering Hour, Riff of the Week itself is the true winner.
For this week’s contest we went with a Nuclear theme. Why? No reason. We asked you to get creative with your entries, and while we didn’t receive anything too abstract, we did get some different tangents cropping up. Most of them involved nuclear war though, funny that. We also scored two entries from the same band, and the even more anomalous RotW event – two submissions of the same fucking riff. Make of that what you will. Be sure to use the PROMO CODE SALVE after voting to get your second vasectomy for half-price at Val’s Junk Yard – “The Only Name You Can Trust With Your Business“. Now, in the (paraphrased) words of the (Toilet’s) one and only Randall Thor, (it’s time to) nuke the whole damn planet!
Municipal Waste – “Wolves Of Chernobyl” (Riff @ 0:42)
This is one of my favorite songs by this band. What’s cooler than a pack of radioactive wolves roaming the land and reeking total chaos. Nuclear deformities are metal, wolves are super metal. Combine the two and its flippin metal as all balls. The riff thats starts around the 42 second mark is a real stomper. I can picture the beautiful scene of fangs and claws adorning the snow in crimson. Would make an excellent holiday greetings card.
Municipal Waste – “Radioactive Force” (Riff @ 1:00)
I guess this is what you’d call a mosh riff. It’s also the only thing I could find in my music collection having to do with radioactivity, so either the search terms I was using weren’t creative enough, or I’m lacking in nuke-related jams. Either way, let’s all circle pit and/or windmill kick to this here headbanger.
Lord of Bork
Megadeth – “Rust In Peace” (Riff at 3:56)
For your listening pleasure, a riff from a band named after a unit of a million deaths in the aftermath of a nuclear holocaust. Go ahead and bang your ahead at 3:56, at least until we all die in hubristic hellfire.
Is it low hanging fruit? Yes, and again yes. Too bad.
Carnivore – “World Wars III And IV” (Riff @ 0:11)
Dear Donald Trump: I understand that now that your pathetic inferiority complex and penchant for hyperbole has led you to promise “fire and fury” to North Korea, it is quite possible that you will have no choice but to follow on that threat. After all, I don’t find it hard to imagine that to you the death of millions of human beings in a nuclear holocaust is preferable over having to admit that you are a belligerent halfwit without a single presidential quality. I just implore you that if it comes to this, please do what Slim Pickens did in Dr Strangelove and drop yourself along with the bomb. Fuck, I’ll even buy you the rodeo hat if you do.
Blasphemophager – “Genesis Of The Antiworld” (Riff @ 1:47)
Blasphemophagher is quite possibly the most nuclear of all metal bands. Metal-archives lists “Quantum Mechanics” as their primary lyrical theme, and almost every release has the words “atomic” or “nuclear” in the title. I mean, their guitarist’s name is “Atomic Incinerator of Necronuclear Collapse & Plutonium Winds.” They may as well list Enrico Fermi as a band-mate. But you know what else these bestial bastards do well? RIFF. Hear them drop the hammer at 1:47.
Nuclear Assault – “F#” (Riff @ 0:00)
I still owe my parents money for the holes I kicked in my bedroom walls the first time this riff emerged from my boombox. Rage until you piss your cutoff jeans @ 0:00.
Anaal Nathrakh – “Man at C&A” (Riff @ 1:55)
An obvious choice this time I felt – Anaal Nathrakh covering “Man at C & A” by The Specials.
At 01:55 they drop into a riff that sounds like some sort of gigantic nuclear-powered robot spider wrecking a city. What more could you ask for?
Megadeth – “Rust In Peace” (Riff @ 3:49)
My submission this week is best described in the first verse of Rust In Peace… Polaris
Tremble you weaklings, cower in fear
I am your ruler, land, sea and air
Immense in my girth, erect I stand tall
I am a nuclear murderer, I am Polaris
Riff starts at 3.49 and is the perfect end to a perfect album
Vacivus – “Unchaining The Winds Of Uncreation” (Riff @3:41)
Forget pipe-dreams of enriched Uranium and Thorium reactors, there’s enough untapped energy in Vacivus’ riffs to power civilisation into the next millennium. The fallout from the ominous build-up culminating around 3:41 is nigh-on apocalyptic.
In reverence of this week’s eclipse, we’re going solar. So next week’s theme is simply ‘SUN’, get creative. Send in your riffs to email@example.com by Friday, being sure to include your screen-name and a short description with a time-stamp of when the riff starts.