Riff of the week is dead. Now you must RIFF or RAFF.

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‘Morning, nerds. I hope you slept well. Riff of the Week is dead and I killed it.

Mourn not for beloved Toilet institution, Riff of the Week. It had a good life as one of our longest-running and most beloved institutions. But like Val Kilmer after Batman Forever, it had grown fat and lazy. The weekly riff contest had become poorly maintained, often not running for a week or two at a time. When it did run, the competition was overstuffed with too many entries for the average Toileteer to listen to in a single Saturday morning. As a result, many voters simply picked the band they liked best rather than judging the dozen-plus riffs of their own merit. Some weeks felt less like a riff battle and more like a race to the lowest-hanging fruit. That all ends today because I sent Riff of the Week to a nice farm upstate where it will have plenty of bunnies to gallop riff after.

Relax. You’ll still be able to flex your metal nerd nuts via a weekly riff competition. But like the majestic phoenix, we must self-immolate to be reborn, shiny and brand new. I’m proud to present a brand new feature to the Toilet:

RIFF or RAFF.

No longer will we publish giant lists of sub-par riffs with “Nuff said” as the descriptor. I will only select the two best entries and pit them against each other in gladiatorial riff combat. Readers will vote on the best riff, and winners will be rewarded handsomely. We’re raising the stakes, which means that Riff champions deserve prizes.

The theme for next week is “Riffs played on 7-string guitars“. Who ya got? Steve Vai? Meshuggah? Nevermore? You must choose. The prize? I will hand-craft a shitty MS Paint portrait of you.

Want to be the riff wizard? Here’s what you do:

  • Submit your riff at toiletovhell@gmail.com
  • Put “RIFF or RAFF” in the subject line
  • Include a link to a place where we can stream your song
  • Include the timestamp when the riff kicks in
  • Write 200-500 words about why you love this riff, and why we should love it too
  • Joaquin Stick

    I may actually participate in one of these for a change. That prize is too hard to pass up.

  • The Tetrachord of Archytas

    We could also have a Val Kilmer of the week

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      He needs to find out a way to keep the change in his pockets

      • more beer

        Did you get that?

        • Señor Jefe El Rosa

          Not yet, I’ll check when i get home from work tonight.

        • Señor Jefe El Rosa

          Received!!! Thanks dude!

          • more beer

            Glad to hear that. Enjoy!

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            I’m looking forward to it after I get off work!

          • more beer

            Let me know what you think. We had one hell of a party here yesterday. There was a lot of good beer.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            That’s great to hear man! I’m glad you’re having a good weekend.

            BBQ too? And what kinda beer?

          • more beer

            Oh yea BBQ too. There were a lot of different beers. There were some Stones some New Belgians some Great divide some Old Chub plus a bunch of other beer i an’t tremember. We had a kegtuub overflowing with beer pllus another cooler filled. Vlad Putin from from the toilet was here. It was a good day

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            That sounds like an awesome time man!

          • more beer

            I feel pretty good considering the 12 hours of drinking I did!

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Hahahahaha!!!

    • Abradolf Lincler
      • What is this from and why have I not seen this?

        • Abradolf Lincler

          The Salton Sea. prolly my fav Val Kilmer film. highly recommend

  • Randall’s Sweaty Space Pants

    Submit that one Ghost Bath song every week.

    • Lena Dunham’s Angry Moo Anthem

      Lol, me winning that ROTW like that will forever live in infamy and buttache. :-p

    • Lacertilian

      So business as usual?

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    Huh, interesting development. This should be fun. I need to brush up on some 7 string jams though, see if I can come up with something good.

  • Count_Breznak

    Ugh, sounds like work.

    • tigeraid

      I’m afraid I have to agree.

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Can the prizes be nude pics?

    • Lena Dunham’s Angry Moo Anthem

      Of Tapir.

    • W.

      I can draw you nude in MS paint. I have a very good imagination.

      • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

        Well now I have to win!

  • Abradolf Lincler

    i cant write 200-500 words because i only know 147

  • Zeke

    That sure looks like a dean that trey is playing in that picture. What the fuck is that shit??! It wasn’t enough for cowboy Dave to ruin the last album? He had to convince trey to play one of those shitty guitars???

    • Dave Vincent’s Perm

      He also convinced Cannibal Corpse Guy.

      • Zeke

        I think you’re right. Man, what a liability that cowboy Dave turned out to be

        • Dave Vincent’s Perm

          To be fair, the highest-end deans aren’t shit and the prohibitive cost doesn’t matter if you have an endorsement deal. Still, Jackson for life.

          • Zeke

            I just don’t like them. I think they’re ugly and I’ve never tried one that played well

  • Hans Gruber

    I welcome this change. May the combat be fierce and the gladitorial bowl ever stained with blood. Entrails are optional.

    • ENTRAILS ARE ALWAYS COMPULSORY

  • I remember that one time I won Riff Ov The Week on one of the most bizarre themes ever. I think it was that the riff had to start at a certain time on the third track on an album and the band name had to begin with S.

    • Lena Dunham’s Angry Moo Anthem

      Most bizarre ROTW moment was when Joe submitted Pantera for “most ambience” (or something along those lines) and won.

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      I remember winning the dad rock one. I oddly didn’t win the nu metal one though.

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        I shared the spoils in the nu metal one. Suck it

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          Ted plz!

  • Max

    7-string? Well, that’s easy. Every week I’m just gonna submit each one of the riffs from Morbid Angel’s “God of Emptiness” until I run out of song. And if you don’t think I can write several hundred words about each of those riffs, then you clearly don’t know me.

    • Dave Vincent’s Perm

      You beat me to it. Also World of Shit
      http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=b-t1Rz0zVOE

      • Max

        Agreed. And don’t forget the riffs on “Dominate”, either!

        • Dave Vincent’s Perm

          There are enough unstoppable seven string riffs on Covenant through Gateways to last a million years of ROTWs.

          • Max

            Basically, yes. 7-string guitars are so ubiquitous now that you often forget you’re hearing them. And yet, with Morbid Angel, you don’t. To this day the riffs from those albums still sound lower-than-normal tuning. It’s something to do with the way he plays them.

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            I think that might have something to do with the bass playing. The subwoofer bass tone on Covrnant especially is absolutely sickening on the seven-string songs.

          • Max

            I never thought of that, but I think you’re right. A marked difference from the Korn approach, where all you can hear of the bass at that register is the fret action.

          • Fart Johnson

            Flemming Rasmussen outdid himself with that record. It’s crazy how well the production holds up. At worst you can argue it’s a little muddy, especially compared to the Andy Sneap-level sterile modern day stuff, but that just adds to the vibe.

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            It’s a bit muddy, but still really clear. No idea how that’s even possible.

    • Zeke

      Hahaha, I was thinking God of emptiness or domination. Then I saw that it had to be 200-500 words, and I decided to leave this competition to the go getters

  • Dave Vincent’s Perm

    Does it count if the 200 words are just combinations of BRAIN and DRILL?

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      I’m gonna go ahead and say yes

    • Lena Dunham’s Angry Moo Anthem

      And fill in the rest with “Nuff said” over and over.

  • EsusMoose

    Time to find an obscure djent band that hides their identity well enough that I can get it past Papa Joe and get a sweet self portrait

  • This is fascism.

  • RIP RotW

  • Lena Dunham’s Angry Moo Anthem
  • Lena Dunham’s Angry Moo Anthem
  • JWEG

    Considering how far away I was from winning the ROTW even when I did use LHF, I’m not sure this version’s Odds May Ever Be In My Favor.

    http://gifsec.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/Jennifer-Lawrence-katniss-everdeen-gif-gifs.gif

    • Lena Dunham’s Angry Moo Anthem

      Yep! Considering the criteria for it, might as well write an entire article rather than submit anything. It’s a nice idea, but a little bit overblown and overwrought, especially when most people probably aren’t up for writing a full blown essay when they’re busy during the weekdays.

      • Lacertilian

        > “200 words is too much”.
        > Writes 200+ words throughout the thread complaining.

        • Abradolf Lincler

          and W said i complained every week about rotw

          lol

          • W.

            I think he just caught up to you with one day of effort 😉

  • Waynecro

    Goodbye, Riff ov the Week! I’ll miss you! Also, here’s the final riff I submitted. The intro riff to this song from Australia’s Blood Duster is totally rawkin’, and this may be the best music video of all times.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orD3zvZsarU

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      Hahahahahahahahaha, what?!

    • Abradolf Lincler

      gotta lace up them adidas

      i would wear em but theyre way too narrow for my big ass dumbass foot

    • Lacertilian

      Blood Duster are funny as fuck live.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      I was going to submit this for southern hemisphere version. Too bad ROTW died before I had the chance

  • tertius_decimus

    U Y NO LOVE US, RIFF O’ TEH WIIK?

    [cries]

  • Eliza

    🙁