‘Morning, nerds. I hope you slept well. Riff of the Week is dead and I killed it.
Mourn not for beloved Toilet institution, Riff of the Week. It had a good life as one of our longest-running and most beloved institutions. But like Val Kilmer after Batman Forever, it had grown fat and lazy. The weekly riff contest had become poorly maintained, often not running for a week or two at a time. When it did run, the competition was overstuffed with too many entries for the average Toileteer to listen to in a single Saturday morning. As a result, many voters simply picked the band they liked best rather than judging the dozen-plus riffs of their own merit. Some weeks felt less like a riff battle and more like a race to the lowest-hanging fruit. That all ends today because I sent Riff of the Week to a nice farm upstate where it will have plenty of bunnies to gallop riff after.
Relax. You’ll still be able to flex your metal nerd nuts via a weekly riff competition. But like the majestic phoenix, we must self-immolate to be reborn, shiny and brand new. I’m proud to present a brand new feature to the Toilet:
RIFF or RAFF.
No longer will we publish giant lists of sub-par riffs with “Nuff said” as the descriptor. I will only select the two best entries and pit them against each other in gladiatorial riff combat. Readers will vote on the best riff, and winners will be rewarded handsomely. We’re raising the stakes, which means that Riff champions deserve prizes.
The theme for next week is “Riffs played on 7-string guitars“. Who ya got? Steve Vai? Meshuggah? Nevermore? You must choose. The prize? I will hand-craft a shitty MS Paint portrait of you.
Want to be the riff wizard? Here’s what you do:
- Submit your riff at firstname.lastname@example.org
- Put “RIFF or RAFF” in the subject line
- Include a link to a place where we can stream your song
- Include the timestamp when the riff kicks in
- Write 200-500 words about why you love this riff, and why we should love it too