Riff of the Week: Guilty Pleasures / 7-23-16

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Fellow dorks. Hello again. The Masterlord may be dead, but every seven days he doth rise again to compile the weekly incarnation of his greatest idea and the toilet’s oldest tradition — Riff of the Week — before falling back into his grave.

Last week, Lacertilian got like 20-something fucking votes. I’d call foul play, but I know the lizard to be a sportsman absolutely honest in all his dealings. Plus his riff was tight.

Next week just send me a riff. It’s late and I’m too tired to think of a fancy theme. Send me any riff. Send it to toiletovhellriff@gmail.com. Include your name, a link to the riff, the time of the riff, and an explanation. If you have an idea for a theme, let me know.

Now onto the debilitating guilt.

 

Masterlord

“Post” black metal is lame and for poser hipsters who should all be killed and this riff DOES NOT make me almost cry. 0:00.

 

Joe

This total banger of a track featuring Dubya’s favorite rapper, Pitbull (dalé!), opens with a harmonica riff that would count as a guilty pleasure if I felt guilty about liking this song. Which I don’t.

 

Gorak

GORAK NOT KNOW WHY COME GUILTY PLEASURE??? BODOM ROCKS!!!! NO GUILT!!! JUST RIFFS!!!! BAD ASS RIFF ME NO GUILT FOR @ 0:35 !!!

 

Tertius Decimus

This isn’t even a jee-jee-jee (aping distorted guitar sound), but this clip is so lolbuttz that nothing could be more embarrasing than liking it for no particular reason. Oh, wait! Reasons to search by tags: #asian, #japan, #japanese schoolgirls, #upskirt, #mass orgy, #gangbang — you may count on. The band, actually, features 48 members, more than Haggard or Therion with the orchestra on their early-00s tours. Watch full clip for best lolbuttz experience or just click at 1:14. Bass groove, yay!

 

Brock Samson

The riff that starts at 0:25 was one of my gateways into heavier bands which is why I will always love it.

 

Old Man Doom

Rob Zombie has perfected his formula for releasing albums that are equal parts cringey and dull over the past few years. However, this song is a small dose of authentic sounding punk rock fury that gives me the sinister urge once again. It’s fun, dirty, and violent.

 

Dr. Derelict

Metalcore. 2002. Single note opening riff to a debut album. Still gets me pumped.

 

KJU

Easily the most cornball song from one of synthpop’s finest, but bouncy and enjoyable nonetheless. Riff starts at 1:39, and the guys are getting pumped when it starts.

 

Waynecro

I’m a little embarrassed by how insanely fucking pumped the riff at 0:15 gets me whenever I hear this absurdly positive, life-loving song. Stan Bush’s lyrics are my life coach. Psychiatrists should prescribe Stan Bush songs instead of antidepressants. Whenever I feel like injecting too much insulin so I never wake up, I just remember that Stan Bush believes in me.

 

Ted Nü-Djent

Unseen is not only a guilty pleasure of mine, it’s also one of my favourite albums from The Haunted. Fite me. Intro riff which returns in the chorus at 1.04 , 2.13 and 3.14.

 

Hans Müller

I’d say that liking a new-ish Metallica song is not something most folks here would readily admit to. Riff starts at 1:28, shortly after some bum yelling, “One two!” which always makes me smirk. Bask in the LOUDNESS.

_____________________

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 22-07-2016 20:22:33
end_date 29-07-2016 20:22:33
Poll Results:
??
  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    Good morning Toilet!

    • tigeraid

      Hail.

    • BobLoblaw

      First day of vacation should be a good morning but some dirtbag busted out my driver side window last night.

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        SLAY HIM WITH STEEL!

      • Incontinent Gorilla Rodeo

        “Dirtbag” is one of those 80’s action movie terms that really needs to make a comeback, along with “scumbag”, “dirtball”, “chicken dick” and “scuzz bucket”.

        • Eliza

          “Scuzz bucket”, what does this mean?

          • Incontinent Gorilla Rodeo

            Same thing as scum ball, and all that. Bad, dirty person, pretty much.

          • Eliza

            I get it. Kind of a funny insult.

          • Incontinent Gorilla Rodeo

            Yep. I think it was only used in 80’s action movies.

          • Eliza

            It does have that feel to it. I thought people still say “scumbag” though.

          • Incontinent Gorilla Rodeo

            Haha, not since 1991, as far as I know!

          • Eliza

            My vocabulary is dated, it seems. Next thing I know, people don’t use words like “marvelous” and “scintillating” on a regular basis.

          • Incontinent Gorilla Rodeo

            I think the last time I heard “marvelous” was at a gay club years and years ago. I don’t think they use the word “scintillating” outside of food reviews.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Those words are the bee’s knees!

        • BobLoblaw

          “Slime ball”

          • CyberneticOrganism

            “Lowlife…”

          • BobLoblaw

            “Crumb bum”

          • Incontinent Gorilla Rodeo

            “Dudical”

          • Incontinent Gorilla Rodeo

            “Kiss my grits!”

            BTW, what happened to your other posts? *scratches head*

      • Dubbbz

        Hit him with a rock.

        • Señor Jefe El Rosa

          Steel, dubbbz, STEEL

        • Incontinent Gorilla Rodeo

          Heyo, I was mentioning this to Boblaw, but something seems to be goofed on the voting thing. I hit “vote” for Tetrius, and it didn’t go through, plus the results thing seemed to have went down. Something on my end, perhaps?

          • Dubbbz

            Dunno what to tell ya. Everyone else is voting.

          • Incontinent Gorilla Rodeo

            Hmmmmmmm, odd. Oh well!

        • Mother Shabubu

          It’s the Gorak way!

  • tigeraid

    Awww man I forgot RotW. Now no one will know I get down with the sickness. :/

  • tigeraid

    And Hans wins, because All Nightmare Long is underrated and catchy as fuck.

    Lots of good stuff here, actually. An unapologetic BLS post even!

  • Oh dear.

  • BobLoblaw

    You should have taken away the voting and just berated them for their taste in music.

    • Incontinent Gorilla Rodeo

      Looks like the voting actually got disabled. I put in my vote, went back to look at the results so far, and poof, the voting and results thing went bye bye.

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    I wanted to submit something this week, but I couldn’t think of anything that I considered a “guilty pleasure”

    • Waynecro

      I almost picked a song from a certain metal/J-pop hybrid group that everyone loves to hate, but I was afraid that doing so would get me banned.

      • Abradolf Lincler

        its bad when you have to start reasoning with yourself like KJU

        • Waynecro

          I have no guilt about liking that band otherwise.

          • Abradolf Lincler

            BBs reasoning process: i could make a crazy perverse joke but im worried about getting banned

          • Waynecro

            This is the only website I like enough to actually worry about getting banned.

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        Waynecro plz!

    • BtR is always proud of his picks!

  • Incontinent Gorilla Rodeo

    Me thinks that Tertius has my vote on lockdown, obviously, because weeb.
    There were two others I considered for submission, but there’s a total ban on one of them (NotYetToddlerMetal) and a sorta ban in a “no, bad KJU, bad!” way (King 810). Soooooooo, no go on those two!

  • Dubbbz
  • Eliza

    AKB48 has more members than I’ve ever had classmates.

  • I like this butt rock song and this whole butt rock album, no shame.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GNGaGppoo5s

    • Mother Shabubu

      Of all of their albums and songs, this one?

    • Their self titled is unfuckwithable.

      I will stand with you friend.

      GL

  • CyberneticOrganism

    No guilt. Feel the retro chill.

    https://youtu.be/_hF5_o-lYDA

    • Edward/Breegrodamus™

      Is that guy’s name really Mitch Murder? Reminds me of Myspace fifteen years ago xMitchXMurderx, lol – but I’m feeling the chill.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Yeah he says he kinda regrets the name now, but it’s how people know him

        • Edward/Breegrodamus™

          Sounds like conversations I’ve heard about a certain heavy metal site I know!

          • CyberneticOrganism

            I hear ya, Metalsucks is a terrible name

    • Eliza

      This song and video are so relaxing, I could fall asleep to this.

  • Abradolf Lincler

    i dont know how alcest is supposed to be a guilty pleasure, tho i wish you had picked something from Le Secret

    . . . i guess ill vote for masterpants’ non-guilty choice.

    • RJA

      Yeah I mean my first instinct was to vote for that but then I thought that is nothing to feel guilty about

      • Abradolf Lincler

        agalloch records showed up today, they will be blasted here in a minute

        • RJA

          Hopefully Monday for mine although they would have been nice this weekend – enjoy!

          • Abradolf Lincler

            packaging is gorgeous, tho two have very minor corner dings which is a little disappointing

  • Mother Shabubu

    Ted, you are not alone. No Ghost >>>>

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      I knew there’d be at least one other

      • Mother Shabubu

        I like that one and Versus a lot.

      • Waynecro

        I still like blasting “Trend Killer” and “Cutting Teeth” in the gym.

        • Ted Nü-Djent ™

          Exit Wounds is pretty gross tbh

  • Edward/Breegrodamus™

    I voted Waynecro.

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      WAYNECRO’16

    • Waynecro

      Stan Bush is a national treasure.

  • Mother Shabubu

    Low key, I like Billy Talent. Almost submitted the lead riff. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VRFCMM3bra8

    • I dig ’em too. They have some decent riffs and catchy songs.

      • Mother Shabubu

        Their first album is ridiculously catchy. Dead Silence is the other one I like a lot.

  • Abradolf Lincler

    this was going to be my submit, couldnt make myself do it:
    https://youtu.be/eNa-lchhlF4

    • CyberneticOrganism

      *record scratch solo*

    • Eliza

      Lol, the song has “edge” in the title.

      • Abradolf Lincler

        with a line like “purist, non-conformist, jaded subhuman terrorist” you know the edge is crushed

        • Eliza

          At least it rhymes, so they got that part right.

        • Incontinent Gorilla Rodeo

          Sounds like they been going to the KMFDM school of lyric writing.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      No guilt there sunshine.

    • ME GORAK!!!™

      CRUSH ALL THIS EDGE!!!!!!!!!!!
      https://youtu.be/zEOA713HwYE

    • Mother Shabubu

      First Fear Factory album goes pretty hard. It’s like a thrashier Godflesh.

      • Abradolf Lincler

        i like everything up to Obsolete because im a poser

        • Mother Shabubu

          I like a few songs from Demanufacture, and Obsolete, but I legitimately like Soul of a New Machine, and Archetype.

    • Waynecro

      Dude, that song is fucking awesome, though. The whole Obsolete album is terrific.

      • Abradolf Lincler

        WAYNECRO 2016

        MAKE AMERICA SWOLE AGAIN

        • Waynecro

          Damn right! I’m going to do my best to get all the soft, doughy Americans into fighting shape. I plan to create a new national holiday that requires everyone to blast some hard jams and lift like a beast for an hour. I will call this holiday Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

  • As long as we’re on Stan Bush, this song also turns me into a total lifelover.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NouZB6QuCys

  • I guess this could be called a guilty pleasure. My brain tells me it’s bad, by my heart says otherwise.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqUa_G1h3pw

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      I may or may not have voted for this…

  • Super Nintendo Chalmers

    These aren’t even bad, but good, guilty pleasures. These are just horrible guilty punishments.

  • B00mhauer

    oh, man I fucking love Alcest. L’Voyage De L’ame is a fantastic fucking album. I dig post black metal a lot, wouldn’t even call it a guilty pleasure (I never really adhered to that concept anyway. I like Ellie Goulding. Fukk You). An Autumn For Crippled Children are another great post-black band.

  • Ted Nü-Djent ™

    Thanks Waynecro, now I’m going to cry thinking about the time Optimus Prime died

  • Never thought the day would come when I’d be forced to vote for an Alcest “riff”.

    Nah, fuck it, not voting.

  • brokensnow
    • Abradolf Lincler

      also not a guilty pleasure

      we all seem to be terrible at this

      • brokensnow

        how is it not?

        • Abradolf Lincler

          how is it?

          • brokensnow

            I like a handful of their songs, i’m aware they are terrible, this song has riffs…….

    • Eliza

      There are far cringier things out there that Covers and Cambria. I actually kind of like them.

      • brokensnow

        not by much.

      • Abradolf Lincler

        Eliza’s the best

        • Eliza

          Thanks for saying that.

    • Waynecro

      I love the hell outta Coheed and Cambria, and I regret nothing.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3kwz4OEk1eM

  • That Pitbull track has 826,000,000 views. WTF

    Happy weekend, bros.

    GL

    • Eliza

      Humanity has let me down once again.

      • Waynecro

        At least humanity is consistent in that area.

        • Eliza

          Yes, I can’t say I’m surprised.

    • Half of those are from me and Dubya

  • Incontinent Gorilla Rodeo

    I guess this would count as one of my guilty pleasures. #OwnsHerBestOfCDNoRegretsGetchaPull

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWFc5mkABNo

  • Incontinent Gorilla Rodeo

    Oh, and this one. Blastbeats start at the 2:10 mark.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cr-SqRWImmI

  • tertius_decimus

    Masterlord — I’m not black metal listener, so keep in mind that. Somehow in the memory seceded that post black is something in the vein of Finnish band The Wicked, which is pretty much unkonwn. However. I’ve never listened to Alcest before but knew that many friends were praising the band for numerous reasons. As the first track for me, it is quite tasteful. Nothing to be ashamed of, to be honest.

    Joe — proper submission to the theme of today. Fucking hate this song.

    Gorak — Children of Bodom’s fame is something I could never understand. How they become a thing in the early 00s is beyond me. They’ve laid on the table just one memorable song, which is the one you have posted.

    Brock Samson — this is the riff for headbanging against the wall. Vocal line is lolbuttz, so yeah, I’d be embarrased for liking it.

    Old Man Doom — Youtube denies watching the clip in my country, so sorry, can’t comment. However I’ve listened to Rob Zombie many years ago, he’s certainly not the person to take seriously.

    Dr. Derelict — is that KoЯn? 😀 Given that we’re voting for the most embarrassing riff today, my vote goes here.

    KJU — A-ha has many nice songs, IMO nothing to be ashamed for liking this band.

    Waynecro — ELO said it all:

    Remember the good old 1980’s,
    When things were so uncomplicated,
    I wish I could go back there again
    And everything could be the same.

    Ted Nü-Djent — this kind of choruses is popular among japanese bands.

    Hans Müller — heh, I’ve passed on “Death Magnetic”, so unsure if this a good riff or a bad riff.

    • Incontinent Gorilla Rodeo

      They definitely have tons of great songs, and I love the singer’s solo stuff. That song I picked though is really really cheesy, though, even by 80’s standards.

      • tertius_decimus

        I was born in 1989, so that doesn’t count. However, from both sides of the past iron curtain one can hear how the life was easier and happier back then. Inclined to believe that is true. Take the music as an example. How we became so ridiculously bitter?

        • Incontinent Gorilla Rodeo

          No idea, but from everything I’ve read, the 80’s and 90’s were a lot more violent than now. So, wouldn’t say happier. I was only 9 years old in 1990 and just moved to America.

          • tertius_decimus

            What is the country of your origin?

          • Incontinent Gorilla Rodeo

            Born in America (Rhode Island), moved one month later with my family to Puerto Rico, lots of places afterwards, lived in Chicago for 14 years, and am now in Virginia.

          • tertius_decimus

            How adaptation went?

          • Incontinent Gorilla Rodeo

            Great. Growing up sucked, but once I moved to Chicago I had a lot more freedoms.

  • tertius_decimus

    By the way, what happened to Whiff of the week?

    • Sir Tapir The Based

      The guy that used to run Whiff of the week got arrested, I think.

      • tertius_decimus

        For what?

        • Sir Tapir The Based

          Don’t know the reason, I was never told that.

          • Incontinent Gorilla Rodeo

            He’s on trial for war crimes and crimes against humanity when he was in charge of Tapir’s gulag.

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            No crimes happened in my gulags!
            *sweats nervously*
            #TapirDidNotingWrong

          • Incontinent Gorilla Rodeo

            What gulags? Oh, you mean the Voluntary Rehabilitation Through Labor Centers?

          • more beer

            Deny Everything!

    • Dubya got tired of doing it. Keep your eyes peeled for a surprise in the next few weeks though.

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        Goody gumdrops

  • Count_Breznak
  • Rob M

    As someone who grew up in the 80’s…Damn fucking right I voted for Stan Bush

  • Waynecro

    I liked that Pitbull guy better when he was in Len. Don’t steal my sunshine, bros.

  • Incontinent Gorilla Rodeo
    • tertius_decimus

      The last time this song ringed from speakers was when? 17? 18 years ago?

      • Incontinent Gorilla Rodeo

        For me, it was about a month ago. Sadly, I missed Erasure on tour a while back, and I doubt they’re touring anymore. The singer’s been sick for quite a while, from what I’ve read.

  • Steve Holt!

    Stan Bush!

  • VOTED FOR GORAK