Riff Of The Week: Food Edition

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Eatchyer dang riffs kiddo…

Last week things got frosty during our Ice Edition. The competition was fierce as bitter enemies faced off amidst the squally tumult. Strong showings from fan favourites Bathory, Strapping Young Lad, Expander, and Blind Guardian were not enough to compete with the might of… Bal-Sagoth? It may be cold up there in the North, but down here it’s red hot, my sinuses are as clear as they get and I smell some bullshit. Thus, I’m awarding the victory to the other scrotal sounding submission Saccage, because Hans really raised the bar for creativity with his insane TRIPLE WORD SCORE!

This week, during the season of eating way more than is morally justifiable, I thought it would be cool to do a Food Themed Riff Of The Week. Honestly, I had reservations about whether or not this would elicit enough of a response to vindicate the theme choice, but upon checking the inbox today these concerns were not just alleviated, they were chomped up, shat out and flushed the fuck away. You guys have really killed it this week! Well done to everyone, high-fives all round. Now, uhh… fight to the death.


Hans
Forcefed Horsehead – ‘Eating is Divine’ (Riff @ 0:08)

I was gonna submit “Concrete Hamburger” by Rompeprop, but I think I’d rather use the opportunity to highlight an excellent band I never hear anyone talk about. Thrash-y grind-y thingamabob, maybe even death ‘n roll. Really fun, in any case.


Positronic Brain
Sepultura – ‘Hungry’ (Riff @ 3:34)

This one makes me hungry in a few ways. First, it’s called “Hungry.” Second, it makes me hunger for the days when Sepultura/Max Cavalera would pack like a bajillion sick riffs into each song without running any of them into the ground. Third, I just woke up from sleeping after a night shift and I’m fucking hungry.


Lone Biker of the Apocalypse
Cattle Decapitation – ‘Gristle Licker’ (Riff @ 1:50)

I’m sure when Travis Ryan of Cattle Decapitation wrote the following lyrics for this song, he probably wasn’t picturing some listener envisioning eating the best rack of ribs imaginable: “Suck the marrow from the fatty osseous deposits / Tongue every membrane, lick it clean, / oh how I love the sheen / Till I can see my reflection in its sanguinous,crimson pigmentation / Perfumed reticulocytic combustion collected by the spleen / Tantalizing me.”

I may be a carnavoric living, breathing, piece of defecating meat in Ryan’s eyes, but I still can’t help thinking of finishing off some ribs when I listen to “Gristle Licker”. After some cool noodling, (ummm…noodles…) at 1:37, the riff kicks in at 1:50.


tigeraid
Hail Of Bullets – ‘Sugar Loaf Hill’ (Riff @ 0:14)

Sugar Loaf was a cone-shaped lump of refined sugar used in most households up until the 1500s. The 1st and 6th Marine Divisions invading the island of Okinawa in World War 2 fought for Sugar Loaf Hill. It probably wasn’t as delicious as the cone thing. Main riff starts at 0:14.


GoatForest
Deathspell Omega – ‘Bread of Bitterness’ (Riff @ 0:28)

I feel that the Bread of Bitterness must be like some really stale French baked good that kinda cuts your gums a little, given the jagged nature of this riff.


DeathToFalseMetal
The Descendents – ‘I Like Food’ (Riff @ 0:00)

I like food! Food tastes good! Im going to turn dining back into eating with this short, sweet and to the point punk riff. I like food! Food tastes good! Riff starts at 0:00.


GRUMP DUMPUS
Naked City – ‘Jazz Snob Eat Shit’ (Riff @ 0:02)

I WAS GOING TO ORIGINALLY SUGGEST THAT WE USE AN HONORARY TITLE OF ‘METAL SNOBS EAT SHIT’ (WHICH WOULD INCLUDE ME) BUT THEN I MADE THE MORTAL MISTAKE OF SCROLLING DOWN TO THE COMMENTS TO SEE SOME OUTSTANDING CITIZEN MAKING WHAT APPEARS TO BE AN ATTEMPT TO LABEL JOHN ZORN’S MUSIC AS ‘JEWISH AND INFERIOR’ BASED ON WHAT WE RECENTLY LEARNED THE OTHER WEEK DURING THIS VERY TOILET’S FREE ADVICE SEGMENT

SO INSTEAD I SUBMIT THIS SONG AS ‘EDGY SNOB EAT SHIT’ SINCE THIS TUNE NOW MAKES ME HUNGRY FOR JUSTICE INSTEAD OF JUST REGULAR POOP
ONE VOTE = ONE PUNCHED RICHARD SPENCER
RIFF AT 0:02 WHO KNOWS WHAT HAPPENS AFTER THAT


TheGranulatingDarkSmuttyMilfs
Helmet – ‘Biscuits For Smut’ (Riff @ 0:10)

Technically the riff starts at the beginning of the song, but I put 0:10 because it sounds better with the sweet bouncing bass line. Page Hamilton is a truly underrated riff writer.


TheJordan
Job For a Cowboy – ‘Eating the Visions of God’ (Riff @ 3:03)

Mmmmm, visions of God. So tasty. Om nom nom


Lacertilian
Triple Fat Lice (Aesop Rock & Homeboy Sandman) – ‘Pizza And Burgers’ (Riff @ 0:04)

I wanna eat pizza and burgers all day but I’d get fat


This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 22-12-2017 20:22:33
end_date 29-12-2017 23:59:59
Poll Results:
Whhhnom?

Next week will mark the final RotW for 2017. Submit your favourite riff from a 2017 album featured on the site this year. I might even buy the winner an album as a prize. Send your entries to toiletovhellriff@gmail.com by Friday, along with a screen-name and a short-description that includes a time-stamp of when the riff starts.


 

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  • Señor Jefe El Rossover

    Milfs>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    • tigeraid

      Hail milfs!

    • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

      Thank you, Boss and Tiger

      • GrumpLumpusCrumpus

        YOU KNOW WHAT I ALWAYS SAY THE MORE GRANULATING THE BETTER

  • tigeraid

    What is that poo-shaped confection? It looks delicious.

    • GrumpLumpusCrumpus

      A VEGAN STEAK

  • Yarnhawk
  • God

    I have notoriously tasty visions.

  • GrumpLumpusCrumpus
  • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

    Dang it, kids. Quit voting for your own entry multiple times

    • GoatForest

      I want to vote for my own entry because it is clearly my favorite, but I won’t. That would be unethical. I’m going with Hans.

      • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

        I have voted for myself at times when I listen to all the riffs and mine is still my favorite. But I only vote once. It is lame when people vote for themselves multiple times just to win

        • GoatForest

          Indeed. That is the weakest of sauces.

    • Lacertilian

      While this is definitely a thing to abide by, Araghast didn’t vote for himself.
      Others did though.

      • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

        I can see that is the case. I withdraw my accusation

  • Hans

    Woop woop!

  • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

    Here is another I thought about submitting but I liked the Helmet riff better (riff at 0:54)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZvEiQDQ1MyM

    • GrumpLumpusCrumpus

      OOO I FORGOT ABOUT HIS ALBUM

  • themaleshoegaze

    Lots of cool and diverse stuff here, Sepultura, Naked City, Descendents + Forcefed Horsehead sounds pretty intriguing (if not as a dining proposition) and I’ll be sure to check them out.

    But a word on Page Hamilton: yes, I totally think he does GREAT stuff, ‘Betty’ is a stone cold classic that doesn’t seem to age or feel dated at all very much unlike a lot of music from that area trying similar thing – and a lot of that timelessness is down to the surgical, ultra-precise, riff-as-rhythm (with a good pinch of noise and dissonance) guitar work.
    But speaking of underrated: didn’t he get to work with Bowie or do I mis-remember that?

    • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

      He joined his live band in the late 90s but never recorded anything with him

      • themaleshoegaze

        That’s pretty cool in itself (I’d say…). Thx for helping my memory out here!

  • Araghast the Pillager

    Since I won, can I give myself a pat on the back?

  • Needs moar cilantro (coriander for the Aussies)