Riff Of The Week: Brutal Edition

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*indecipherable toilet gurgle vocals*

Before we get to this week’s riffs we’ve got to address an issue that was brought to my attention mid-way through last week’s polling – VOTER FRAUD! Who would have thought our humble weekend riff competition could potentially be brought into disrepute by the work of a few insidious reprobates? Forget the fucking Russians, these miscreants are right under our noses. On no less than 5 separate occasions during the course of the week, over 75 instances of voter fraud occurred in an attempt to skew the results of this completely inconsequential contest! And before you jump to conclusions, none of the entrants were directly guilty. You see, our polling software pinged something suspicious happening as early as Sunday, and such is the importance of this competition we took a look into it on Thursday immediately.

Turns out five separate scammers used their accounts to spam votes for four of our contestant’s riffs. Interestingly, the vast majority of the spam votes were from people who had not submitted a riff! Were they paid to sit there and spend their time relentlessly voting on the behalf of their riff-lords? Could they simply not handle seeing their favourite riff lose? Perhaps they just love democracy so damn much that the thrill of voting is the only activity that can bring them to the apex of Mount Ejaculatõ, where they stand at the precipice rhythmically clicking vote with one hand, while the other works furiously to muster any semblance of turgidity in the hope of dribbling even just a single link of their precious riff-milk down the escarpment, only to later claim it to be a cloudy cascade as intense as Iguazu. Maybe coz lol. Who knows. Whatever the case, in the interest of a fair competition we subtracted all the excess votes back to one per user.

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As you can see, a couple of our readers were desperate for Blasphemy and Bison BC to take out the comp for some reason. Even my entry was subject to a mid-week spike! After checking where my extra votes came from I found I had been handed 6 extras from some overzealous bene-thrasher. While I appreciate the sentiment, they too had to be removed. The rest apparently came as a result of Besieged sharing the Toilet ov Hell Riff Of The Week facebook post after seeing their tag turn up and encouraging fans to go and vote in the poll. Just goes to show that while picking low hanging fruit super popular bands might guarantee you some easy votes, sometimes submitting a lesser known current band who aren’t above sharing a post from a site named after a fucking toilet can score you some bonus votes. Anyway, to make sure none of you dry-dicks whinge, I’m awarding last week’s victory to Ted Nu-Djent, whose entry was not subject to bullshit. And he voted for Besieged anyway, which boded him well…funny that.

Ugh, now that that’s all over, let’s move on to this week. We asked for BROOTUHL DEATH METUL. You gave us some (mostly) brutal death metal. Here are your entries…


FrankWhiteKingOfNY

Sinister – “Doomed”

As a Belgian I feel I’m at liberty to admit that we still have a lot to learn from our Dutch neighbors. If any of my fellow countrymen are reading this, let’s be real now…we certainly do have the best beer, the best food and our countryside may be the more idyllic one, but there are more than a few things the Netherlands beat us at:

1) Their capital city is better than ours – Amsterdam rules, Brussels is ass. Scientific fact.
2) Generally speaking, Dutch women are hotter than Belgian ones. Proven by science AND experience.
3) Historically speaking they still have the best soccer team. I don’t give a crap about how talented people think this overrated Belgian Red Devils “golden generation” is; Hazard is no Cruijff and Lukaku is no Kluivert.
4) They breed the more professional homegrown gangsters: Amsterdam’s very own Klaas Bruinsma was one of Europe’s first and foremost drug lords; while our own Belgian “national criminal pride” Patrick Haemers robbed a few post offices. Whooptie-doo!
5) THEY’VE ALWAYS HAD THE BETTER AND MORE ACCLAIMED DEATH METAL BANDS!!!

Regarding this last statement, what proof do you need other than the following three magical words: Pestilence, Asphyx, Sinister. Therefore I present to thee a nasty little riff from a nasty little track called “Doomed”, featured on Sinister’s classic debut album Cross the Styx. Kneel down and hear out the explosion of violence and debauchery at 2:18. Go!


Son Ov Wolf

Cryptopsy – “Benedictine Convulsions”

Cryptopsy’s Benedictine Convulsions is the first song I ever heard from them. They didn’t really sound anything like the other brutal death metal bands I had heard before – something violent, sinister, and demented, yet executed in a much different way than the campy gore of their peers. I went with Benedictine Convulsions because of the legendary moment at the end. It appears about 33 seconds into the song, but this is mere foreshadowing. At 3:29 all hell breaks loose and the slam comes back full circle complete with slap-bass CLONKS and the intensely long scream by Lord Worm.


Zeke

Deeds Of Flesh – “Acid Troops”

I don’t bump as much brutal death metal as I used to, but I’ve been on a Deeds Of Flesh kick this week.  This is probably my favorite songs from them- soldiers on acid; what’s not to love?  Riff starts at 3:08 and runs until the end of the song.  I don’t know if I’d even call this a “riff” as its really a string of riffs that they cycle through really quickly a few times.  Whatever it is, it’s savage.


Howard Dean

Engutteralment Cephaloslamectomy – “You Think I’m Gonna Be The Scapegoat For The Whole Damn Machine?”

HD loves big retarded slam. The bass drops, the tin can snare, the drop tuned groovy slams… fuck, I just love the meatheaded absurdity of it all. Engutturalment Cephaloslamectomy is part parody band but 100% awesome. Their 8 minute EP 8.1.2. is a must listen for all slam fiends. They mix up all the tropes of your favorite caveman wigger slam and apply it to some downright scary-good brutal death metal. Check out the slam at 0:33: the bass drops, the strings groove, the vocalist gurgles, and then BOOM! The bass drops again, the tempo slows to a crawl, and everything just gets meatier and heavier and even more retarded. Holy fuck. LET ME SEE THOSE HAMMERS!!!


Yarnhawk

Auroch – “Billowing Vervain”

Auroch is one of the modern bands that just does death metal right. Expert amounts of grime, filth, experimentation without going overboard, memorable writing, and teh br00talz, combining to make a sound that is definitely their own while still paying homage to their Canadian Death Metal forefathers. After a droney intro to set the mood, shit gets real at 0:42 and the pummeling begins, as Auroch gore your guts during a crypt autopsy with cataclysmic results. Brutal!
\m/ (-_-) \m/


Ron Deuce

Stillbirth – “Beating Pacifists”

If you are looking for the true double zero brutal death metal, you’ve come the right place because Stillbirth represents the game proper. Even though they rock the 1980’s Anthrax jams, they still have enough courtesy to don the flat brim hats and basket ball shorts. You think that the riff at around :25 is the banger, but that’s only one quarter of the double zero brutal. Or maybe at around :47 is the one that seals the deal. And then at around 1:01, they break it down harder. But no,it’s at 1:45 where maximum br00tal is achieved. Say goodbye to the sheetrock because that riff brings walls down.


Lacertilian

Disentomb – “Chthonic Gateways”

Resident Toilet Ov Hell death-dealer Scrimm was going to submit a riff from Aussie band Disentomb but got caught up dishing out NOPE’s to unsuspecting victims somewhere along the way, so I decided to drop one in here in honour of the tall man. The riff that begins @ 2:17 subsists solely on eating the flesh of lesser demons.


This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 10-02-2017 20:22:33
end_date 16-03-2017 23:59:59
Poll Results:
Who?

Wanna take part? Next week we’re going to be doing SLAYER riffs NOT written by SLAYER. This should be pretty damn easy really, simply submit a riff that you think sounds like it could be on a SLAYER track from any band that is not SLAYER. Got it? Good. Send your entries to toiletovhellriff@gmail.com along with your screen-name, a time-stamp of the riff, a link to the track, and a short description before Friday.

  • Eliza
  • Brutalist_Receptacle
  • Yarnhawk

    Damn, can’t trust anyone these days

  • Black Smallbeard
    • Black Smallbeard

      PS – I knew I was gonna have to vote for some retarded ignant HD slam jam

      • FrankWhiteKingOfNY
        • Black Smallbeard

          i think it most fits the theme too

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            It does fit the theme. I’m not really into slammy stuff myself. Old school brutal death all the way for this guy.

          • Black Smallbeard

            i can get straight ignant sometimes (all the time)

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            I can get ignant from time to time as well. I mean, at the end of the day I still think this album rips.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vq-zaD1poAE

          • Black Smallbeard

            now thats what i call ignant

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            First two ‘Knot albums rule hard!

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPSenKymLwk

          • KyleJMcBride

            DISQUALIFIED.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Iowa >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Balls to the Walls

          • KyleJMcBride

            Bizzaro World is over there brotha…

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Well, if I’d have to choose between Bizzaro World or the leather-string-in-ass club where Accept resides…then sign me up for Bizzaro World!

          • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

            It rips indeed

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Yeah dude, I only started to dislike Slipknot when they thought it would be a good idea to churn out blatant pop-metal and Corey Taylor started to think of himself as the greatest rockstar on planet earth; but when they were making their darker Mr. Bungle-flavored noisecore at the beginning of their career, they were fine.

          • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

            I know. “Tattered And Torn,” “Prosthetics” and “Scissors” all are fucking brilliant

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Scissors probably is their best track. By now I think I’ve basically heard all there is to be heard when it comes to extreme metal; and I still think that track is demented as hell.

          • KyleJMcBride

            Nashville Pussy & Scissorfight is good meathead music.

  • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

    From 26,8% back to 8,7%…damn, some hardcore frauding was done on my riff.
    One thing I gotta hand to those fraudsters though; they do have excellent taste.
    *smirks*

    http://www.questreviews.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/black-and-white-bruce-willis-smirk-Favim.com-185469.jpg

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      Brussels was nice but yeah, compared to Amsterdam it was “ass” as you put it.

      • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

        I’m in Brussels almost weekly. The city’s a shithole. Zero atmosphere, indifferent people, decrepit buildings, obnoxious thieving teens…

        • Black Smallbeard

          so . . . every city

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Well, at least many capital cities have at least some kind of distinct atmosphere going on. Amsterdam, London, Paris, Budapest, Prague, Dublin…I could go on…but Brussels has none of that distinct flavor most other cities have. It features all of the negative aspects of the typical modern Western big city, but has little of the positive sides.

          • GoatForest

            Harsh.

          • James

            What about Bruges and Ghent? I’d like to visit one day.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Bruges is a nice city, but you don’t need to spend more than a day over there.
            Ghent is great. Might even be my favorite Belgian city. It’s great on an aesthetic level, there’s a lot of stuff to do, great nightlife, reasonably friendly people, good looking women…

          • NDG

            Ghent is awesome…rad city, rad people…chips (fries) in kebabs!!! Everyone is a winner!

        • Señor Jefe El Rosa

          Dayum!

          I liked Bruges the best out of the Belgian cities we visited.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Bruges is by far the most picturesque city in Belgium. On the other hand the city is rather boring in terms of nightlife.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Eh, never really been a nightlife type. I did enjoy all of the bottle shops though!

      • Óðinn
  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    So. Much. Brutalness.

    I don’t even know where to start. Never been too big of a brutal death fan myself. I think Cryptopsy has it this week though, they’re a band that plenty of people seem to agree on and are probably the most recognizable on the list.

  • Hans Gruber

    That whole bit about Mount Ejaculatõ killed me. Your Lizard brain is beautiful.

  • SupremeKrieg
  • Howard Dean

    Wait, FrankWhiteKingOfNY is from Belgium?!

    Not as much brutality as I was expecting this week. I know the ToH isn’t a haven for brutal death metal, but whoa. Sparse. 30-40% of these aren’t even really BDM. That Disentomb riff is pretty money, though. Bam!

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      Yes he is

    • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

      Sadly enough, I indeed am from Belgium.
      But at least we have Amenra!

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d70aV3iMrTk

      • Howard Dean

        I’m a huge Belgian beer fan. Love abbey ales. Trappist beers are my favorite: Chimay, Orval, La Trappe, Rochefort. Would drink Dubbels and Trippels every day if my wallet would hold out. Stuff is expensive here in the states.

        • Óðinn
        • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

          Belgian beer is great. I enjoy one on occasion, but I have to admit I’m not a frequent drinker. I used to be reasonably deep into bodybuilding. Nowadays I’m not nearly as big anymore as I used to be nor am I as strict as a couple of years ago, but I still try to watch what I eat and drink (save for a few days a year of course where I go all out).

        • Señor Jefe El Rosa

          Belgian beers are wonderful.

    • Zeke

      Here you go. Originators of Long Island wigger slam https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tm5qo3WhRkY

      • Howard Dean

        This is good stuff. This, Internal Bleeding, and Pyrexia are like the trinity of NY slam.

        P.S. I was a fan of your riff. I consider Deeds of Flesh brutal death metal. The Gradually Melted EP and Reduced to Ashes are my favorite of their stuff. I preferred them before they got too technical (they’ve always had a tech edge, but it’s come to the surface more on recent albums).

        • Zeke

          Yes, I was friendly with all those bands when I was younger. IB, repudilation, and a band named disfigured shared a practice space and that was the hang out spot.

          I also agree about deeds getting too technical after the early stuff. Funny though, as techy as they are, the guitarist played a four string guitar and just shredded the bottom four strings.

          • Howard Dean

            Whoa, that’s awesome that you knew those dudes! Must’ve been some pretty rad (and brutal) times!

            That’s a crazy bit of info about the Deeds guitarist. Four string guitar? Nutty. That dude can shred.

          • Zeke

            Yeah, I was surprised by it too. I saw them about 15 years ago and I was up against the stage and noticed it (sick tour with mortal decay and disgorged).

            IB actually reformed a few years ago and my cousin was playing bass with them until recently

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            Mortal Decay >>>>>>>

    • GoatForest

      I don’t know why I thought he was actually a New Yorker…

  • Óðinn
  • Count_Breznak

    Well, Belgians sell pretty much every liquid as “beer”, but they do have some nice BDM
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Qe6ckq8jPs

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    Byyyaah!

  • Count_Breznak

    Also; would have went with https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9FWKqJzKvE but I always forget about it.

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    edit nevermind!

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      I believe they are the most eligible!

  • tigeraid

    This music frightens me. Where are the dragons? And why no talk of glory and riches?

  • Some Guy

    I regret not sending in a riff from Embalmer.
    Also nice to see some Auroch!

  • JWG79

    This week might as well have been Canadian Riff Week #2, because those two definitely outdo the rest by a wide margin.

    I’m going to ‘waste’ my vote on the underdog of the pair now.

  • Ted Nü-Djent ™
  • I win