*indecipherable toilet gurgle vocals*
Before we get to this week’s riffs we’ve got to address an issue that was brought to my attention mid-way through last week’s polling – VOTER FRAUD! Who would have thought our humble weekend riff competition could potentially be brought into disrepute by the work of a few insidious reprobates? Forget the fucking Russians, these miscreants are right under our noses. On no less than 5 separate occasions during the course of the week, over 75 instances of voter fraud occurred in an attempt to skew the results of this completely inconsequential contest! And before you jump to conclusions, none of the entrants were directly guilty. You see, our polling software pinged something suspicious happening as early as Sunday, and such is the importance of this competition we took a look into it
on Thursday immediately.
Turns out five separate scammers used their accounts to spam votes for four of our contestant’s riffs. Interestingly, the vast majority of the spam votes were from people who had not submitted a riff! Were they paid to sit there and spend their time relentlessly voting on the behalf of their riff-lords? Could they simply not handle seeing their favourite riff lose? Perhaps they just love democracy so damn much that the thrill of voting is the only activity that can bring them to the apex of Mount Ejaculatõ, where they stand at the precipice rhythmically clicking vote with one hand, while the other works furiously to muster any semblance of turgidity in the hope of dribbling even just a single link of their precious riff-milk down the escarpment, only to later claim it to be a cloudy cascade as intense as Iguazu. Maybe coz lol. Who knows. Whatever the case, in the interest of a fair competition we subtracted all the excess votes back to one per user.
As you can see, a couple of our readers were desperate for Blasphemy and Bison BC to take out the comp for some reason. Even my entry was subject to a mid-week spike! After checking where my extra votes came from I found I had been handed 6 extras from some overzealous bene-thrasher. While I appreciate the sentiment, they too had to be removed. The rest apparently came as a result of Besieged sharing the Toilet ov Hell Riff Of The Week facebook post after seeing their tag turn up and encouraging fans to go and vote in the poll. Just goes to show that while picking
low hanging fruit super popular bands might guarantee you some easy votes, sometimes submitting a lesser known current band who aren’t above sharing a post from a site named after a fucking toilet can score you some bonus votes. Anyway, to make sure none of you dry-dicks whinge, I’m awarding last week’s victory to Ted Nu-Djent, whose entry was not subject to bullshit. And he voted for Besieged anyway, which boded him well…funny that.
Ugh, now that that’s all over, let’s move on to this week. We asked for BROOTUHL DEATH METUL. You gave us some (mostly) brutal death metal. Here are your entries…
Sinister – “Doomed”
As a Belgian I feel I’m at liberty to admit that we still have a lot to learn from our Dutch neighbors. If any of my fellow countrymen are reading this, let’s be real now…we certainly do have the best beer, the best food and our countryside may be the more idyllic one, but there are more than a few things the Netherlands beat us at:
1) Their capital city is better than ours – Amsterdam rules, Brussels is ass. Scientific fact.
2) Generally speaking, Dutch women are hotter than Belgian ones. Proven by science AND experience.
3) Historically speaking they still have the best soccer team. I don’t give a crap about how talented people think this overrated Belgian Red Devils “golden generation” is; Hazard is no Cruijff and Lukaku is no Kluivert.
4) They breed the more professional homegrown gangsters: Amsterdam’s very own Klaas Bruinsma was one of Europe’s first and foremost drug lords; while our own Belgian “national criminal pride” Patrick Haemers robbed a few post offices. Whooptie-doo!
5) THEY’VE ALWAYS HAD THE BETTER AND MORE ACCLAIMED DEATH METAL BANDS!!!
Regarding this last statement, what proof do you need other than the following three magical words: Pestilence, Asphyx, Sinister. Therefore I present to thee a nasty little riff from a nasty little track called “Doomed”, featured on Sinister’s classic debut album Cross the Styx. Kneel down and hear out the explosion of violence and debauchery at 2:18. Go!
Son Ov Wolf
Cryptopsy – “Benedictine Convulsions”
Cryptopsy’s Benedictine Convulsions is the first song I ever heard from them. They didn’t really sound anything like the other brutal death metal bands I had heard before – something violent, sinister, and demented, yet executed in a much different way than the campy gore of their peers. I went with Benedictine Convulsions because of the legendary moment at the end. It appears about 33 seconds into the song, but this is mere foreshadowing. At 3:29 all hell breaks loose and the slam comes back full circle complete with slap-bass CLONKS and the intensely long scream by Lord Worm.
Deeds Of Flesh – “Acid Troops”
I don’t bump as much brutal death metal as I used to, but I’ve been on a Deeds Of Flesh kick this week. This is probably my favorite songs from them- soldiers on acid; what’s not to love? Riff starts at 3:08 and runs until the end of the song. I don’t know if I’d even call this a “riff” as its really a string of riffs that they cycle through really quickly a few times. Whatever it is, it’s savage.
Engutteralment Cephaloslamectomy – “You Think I’m Gonna Be The Scapegoat For The Whole Damn Machine?”
HD loves big retarded slam. The bass drops, the tin can snare, the drop tuned groovy slams… fuck, I just love the meatheaded absurdity of it all. Engutturalment Cephaloslamectomy is part parody band but 100% awesome. Their 8 minute EP 8.1.2. is a must listen for all slam fiends. They mix up all the tropes of your favorite caveman wigger slam and apply it to some downright scary-good brutal death metal. Check out the slam at 0:33: the bass drops, the strings groove, the vocalist gurgles, and then BOOM! The bass drops again, the tempo slows to a crawl, and everything just gets meatier and heavier and even more retarded. Holy fuck. LET ME SEE THOSE HAMMERS!!!
Auroch – “Billowing Vervain”
Auroch is one of the modern bands that just does death metal right. Expert amounts of grime, filth, experimentation without going overboard, memorable writing, and teh br00talz, combining to make a sound that is definitely their own while still paying homage to their Canadian Death Metal forefathers. After a droney intro to set the mood, shit gets real at 0:42 and the pummeling begins, as Auroch gore your guts during a crypt autopsy with cataclysmic results. Brutal!
\m/ (-_-) \m/
Stillbirth – “Beating Pacifists”
If you are looking for the true double zero brutal death metal, you’ve come the right place because Stillbirth represents the game proper. Even though they rock the 1980’s Anthrax jams, they still have enough courtesy to don the flat brim hats and basket ball shorts. You think that the riff at around :25 is the banger, but that’s only one quarter of the double zero brutal. Or maybe at around :47 is the one that seals the deal. And then at around 1:01, they break it down harder. But no,it’s at 1:45 where maximum br00tal is achieved. Say goodbye to the sheetrock because that riff brings walls down.
Disentomb – “Chthonic Gateways”
Resident Toilet Ov Hell death-dealer Scrimm was going to submit a riff from Aussie band Disentomb but got caught up dishing out NOPE’s to unsuspecting victims somewhere along the way, so I decided to drop one in here in honour of the tall man. The riff that begins @ 2:17 subsists solely on eating the flesh of lesser demons.
Wanna take part? Next week we’re going to be doing SLAYER riffs NOT written by SLAYER. This should be pretty damn easy really, simply submit a riff that you think sounds like it could be on a SLAYER track from any band that is not SLAYER. Got it? Good. Send your entries to firstname.lastname@example.org along with your screen-name, a time-stamp of the riff, a link to the track, and a short description before Friday.