Riff Of The Week: British Edition

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This week’s competition is brought to you by Colonialism® – “Rewrite history, the white way!”.

Before you toast your teabag and fill your kettle with crumpets, lets clear the acrid air after last week’s Mortuary Edition. Contrary to what many of us expected, we weren’t forced to choose between a mephitic mélange of morbidity but rather a miscellaneous mix of technical twiddling, sadboi suicidal, sexy synthwave, and one obvious oldie. Evidently, 73.6% of you are benevolent beings, the rest of you will live in infamy from this day forth. You see, I didn’t think it would have to come to this, but to go along with our long-standing NO MAIDEN rule, I’m decreeing that there is now a NO SABBATH blanket ban for RotW. Don’t get mad at me, or even Ted Nu-Djent, you did this to yourselves!

Now that that’s out of the way, on to this week’s British-off. Ahhh, Great Britain, where would we all be without you? Well for most of us, still in Europe I guess. So uhh…thanks? Continuing to use that adjective to describe your dank little island y’all kept leaving to escape explore is kinda weird though. If we started calling it Awesome Australia, we’d be ridiculed relentlessly. Incredible Ireland? Fucken’ Mad Fiji? Heckin’ Siqq Haiti? See? It’s gauche as fuck. Get with the times Great Britain, you’re better than that. If you weren’t the birthplace of the seminal bands in our favourite genre, Monty Python, David Attenborough, and a bunch of other old shit that is still cool, I’d have to bring up literally everything else that’s happened since. Don’t give me that look. You know what you’ve done. Ok, you’re not that bad, I guess. Some of these riffs below are proof of just that. Make sure you use the PROMO CODE FLINT after voting to get 37% off your next service at Col’s One-Stop Toe-Nail Clipper Sharpening Shop. Also, best cockney rhyming slang for “riffs” in the comments section wins a free laugh courtesy of my idiocy.


KJM

Rainbow – “Sixteenth Century Greensleeves”

It’s not quite the low hanging fruit that a Sabbath riff would’ve been, but it’s not far off. At 0:10 is where the main riff begins. Old man iz old.


TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

Bolt Thrower – “World Eater”

Bolt Thrower cranked out some of the best riffs to come out of the British Isles, and the riff on “World Eater” at 0:11 is perhaps their crowning achievement. Coming off their 1989 Earache Records debut, Realms Of Chaos, this dates back to when the board game-obsessed boys (and girl) where trying to see how low their could tune their instruments without losing intonation. The result was a disgusting, sludgy AWESOME mess. They re-recorded this in 1994 in C# tuning, and I do concede that the new version is much more intelligible, but fuck it, when you need something to inspire you while to march into battle to your most certain demise, the original version (tuned all the way down to A) should be your one and only choice.


Howard Dean

Dragged Into Sunlight – “Volcanic Birth”

“If you don’t go along with this, I’ll probably take you to the bed, tie you down, rape you, shoot you, and bury you.” 7:38


Lord ov Bork

Discharge – “Two Monstrous Nuclear Stockpiles”

The hardest riff across the pond doesn’t belong to Sabbath, Motorhead, or Napalm Death. Nope. This one’s all Discharge. Specifically, “Two Monstrous Nuclear Stockpiles.” There’s only one riff and it’s only 4 chords, but play it hard enough, fast enough, and enough times in a row, and you’ve got a recipe for some shit that’ll tear your face off faster than a sheet metal plant can fuck up Tony Iommi’s right hand. Let that shit hit you at the 0:00 mark and carry you along the blast wave until the song’s done.


Hans

Lord Rot – “Ripped In Half”

The theme says British, as in, “from Great Britain”, as in, Scotland counts, right? Right. While Hellripper’s latest is probably the most fun record released in 2017 so far, James McBain’s other projects are nothing to sniff at either, so I’ve chosen to go with his interpretation of “Swedeath” and will save the Hellripper riff for when the theme is something like “riffs from songs about conjuring otherworldly beings” *cough*awesomeidea*cough*. Now you probably have a lot of Cradle of Filth and such to sift through this week, so this riff starts as early as 0:22! Isn’t that convenient!


Yarnhawk

Tesseract – “Deception”

I had about 4 or 5 riffs that I’ve been sitting on, waiting for the right opportunity to unleash.  When I started sifting through for this week’s candidate, I realized all of them were from English bands!  So after some serious deliberation, I went with the one that’s least likely to meet other RotW requirements. Now I know that the approximate number of people on this site who don’t hate djent is 0.5, so bear with me here for a second.  Remember, you’re voting for the riff, NOT the band! This song is pretty stereotypical djent fare, with squeaky clean atmospheric guitar work over chuggy polyrythms with soaring vocals, but then 2:50 hits and shit gets real.  I don’t care who you are, that riff kicks ass!  Now go vote for that Sabbath riff that somebody just had to submit.


tigeraid

Solstice – “I Am The Hunter”

British Riffs? Solstice are the true kings of British Metal, so I win.  Galloping baseline riff beginning at 0:00 gets you in the mood, and begins to thread some epic Power-esque accompaniment in and out at 1:46, repeating several times through the song.  MY NAME IS REEEEEEVEEEEEEEENGE.


Lacertilian

Scythian – “Beyond The Dust”

Wasn’t originally going to submit but I needed something to listen to tonight and Craven Idol’s latest was the first thing that came up. Then I thought, what’s better than Vrath’s riffs on The Shackles Of Mammon? Oh right, his riffs in Scythian (fite me, nerds). The first track from 2015’s Hvbris In Excelsis has one of those unforgettably epic introductions that adorn only the finest metal albums, but it’s the assault that follows at 1:34 that sets the tone for the next 45 minutes of pure warfare.


This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 28-04-2017 20:22:33
end_date 05-05-2017 23:59:59
Poll Results:
Whooom?

Next week we’re going to be getting primal. Send me riffs that turn you into a goddamn caveman. None of that elegant cavelady crap. Send your entries to toiletovhellriff@gmail.com, including a link to the riff, your screen-name, and a short description that contains a time of when the riff starts. Pick something that’s going to make that prehistoric enigma Gorak SMAAASH the motherflushing vote button. You have until Friday.

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  • tigeraid

    o shit, Rainbow and Bolt Thrower. I do not win. 🙁

  • KJM, Drug Honkey

    Keep in mind that the old man(i.e. ME) came up with the idea of a “No Sabbath” rule.

    • Señor Jefe El Rossover

      I like how you admitted your riff to be low hanging, haha

      • KJM, Drug Honkey

        It may not be as low hanging as I think since it’ll probably lose by a large margin.

        • Señor Jefe El Rossover

          Unfortunately, you’re probably correct. Damn shame.

    • Señor Jefe El Rossover

      You should check out that Solstice track

      • KJM, Drug Honkey

        The vocals make me cringe.

        • Señor Jefe El Rossover

          Angry face.

          • tigeraid

            They’re too TRUE for him.

          • Señor Jefe El Rossover

            HE SUBMITTED A RAINBOW RIFF

          • KJM, Drug Honkey

            I was gonna submit a Deep Purple riff.

      • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

        Did you check out Scald yet?

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jL7v_PkxB_Y

        • Señor Jefe El Rossover

          Oh, hell yes!!! I recently secured a CD copy of this. Amazing album

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            I have the “Agyl’s Saga” edition of the album, including several bonus tracks.

          • Señor Jefe El Rossover

            That is bad ass!

      • Sir Ukkometso The Based

        More like Suckstice hahahahaha

  • The God Emperor of Mankind

    I take it Maiden was considered cheating wasn’t it?

    • KJM, Drug Honkey

      Nah, just makes it less interesting. At least that’s the idea.

    • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

      The No Maiden -rule is enforced more strictly than the No Anime rule, even.

      • KJM, Drug Honkey

        What’s the point of showing up to a gunfight with a nuke? No mystery who wins in that case.

  • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

    This is gonna be a Bolt Thrower vs. Dragged Into Sunlight battle for yours truly.

    I have to say, this contest could use a little bit more Cockney.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqxD7iXEk5Q

  • Señor Jefe El Rossover

    Dammit.
    Rainbow, Discharge AND Solstice.
    Dammit.

    • Sid Vicious Promos

      It was a hard choice. Rainbow got my vote because although Ritchie Blackmore is not a nice person his work cant be denied.

      • KJM, Drug Honkey

        Don’t have to be nice to make good music. A friend met Tony Iommi during the 1980s and he was a total dick.

        • more beer

          I agree with you 100% on this. No one is obligated to be a nice person. In reality most people are pretty shitty human beings.

          • KJM, Drug Honkey

            People are usually better off not meeting their fave artists. I’m just lucky that Lemmy and Stephen King turned out to be nice people when I met them.

          • more beer

            I think having low expectations probably helps with that. A hope for the best expect the worst kind of thing.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Sometimes you also meet artists whose music you don’t think too highly of in general…and they turn out to be nice.
            I met Jonathan Davis and Fieldy once at a local metal fest. The band was having a signing over there. Believe it or not, incredibly friendly dudes.

    • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

      Wrong choice, wrong choice and wrong choice.
      Bolt Thrower and Dragged Into Sunlight are in da house.

  • KJM, Drug Honkey

    OOOOH, PIZZAAAAAAAA!!!!

  • Nothing jumped out at me to submit for this week. I guess I don’t listen to a whole lot of British metal? Carcass seemed too obvious, but there’s also the veritable riff-fest that is “You Suffer.”
    https://youtu.be/ybGOT4d2Hs8

  • Señor Jefe El Rossover

    Damn, Howard, that riff is disgusting. In the best way.

    • Señor Jefe El Rossover

      Yarnhawk, you got some balls on you! Never really liked Tesseract and unfortunately you’ve done no convincing.the riff is alright but that tone kills it completely for me.

      • Señor Jefe El Rossover

        LizardKing, that Scythian track RIPPPPZZZ!

    • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

      What else can you expect from a bunch of Scouse council estate psychopaths.

  • ME GORAK™✓ᶜᵃᵛᵉᵐᵃⁿ
    • Señor Jefe El Rossover

      HAIL!
      HAIL!
      HAIL!

      • ME GORAK™✓ᶜᵃᵛᵉᵐᵃⁿ

        & KIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Primordial Chaos

    I was dragged into sunlight!

  • ME GORAK™✓ᶜᵃᵛᵉᵐᵃⁿ

    YEESSSSSSS!!!!!!! ME RIFF OV WEEK THEME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    http://i.imgur.com/QVt76nV.gif

    • tigeraid

      Gorak pls provide some inspiration, this topic is alien to me.

  • Depechemodeisgangsta

    Had to go with Bolt Thrower, but i was mesmerized by the cover of Dragged Into Sunlight, i have never heard of them, until this moment, so many things going on with that cover? is it a sacrifice? is the goat a doctor? are there Klan members? way too much for my brain.

    • Grvm Spectre ov Derth

      All you need to know is that DIS is really evil. Not the nazi kind of evil, the visceral, Jungian Shadow evil. Also a tad demony.

    • dan

      They’re a great band and really nice lads https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vckRgLnhng

      • Depechemodeisgangsta

        I’m not a big fan of Black Metal, but i did gave them a listen to a couple of songs, and i enjoyed it, it wasn’t that bad for me.
        But today i just listened to the RAGANA You take nothing and just enjoyed their latest album, i have it on shopping cart, just debating whether to buy it or not.

        • dan

          Yeah they’re definitely not straight black metal, probably blackened post something or other 😛 Great live band. Never heard of RAGANA, will give it a look tho, cheers for the recommendation.

  • Grvm Spectre ov Derth

    Surprised there was no Napalm Death. Dragged Into Sunlight will have to do.

  • FrankWhiteKingOfNY
  • CyberneticOrganism

    Dragged Into Sunlight = all the fucks yeah

  • Count_Breznak

    Bolt Tosser !
    But I actually like the Animals Killing People cover best:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CtHeGqWqsKU

    It’s also the only really good song on that EP.

  • Hans Copronym

    Oooooh it’s gonna get ignant up in here next week. I look forward to twelve slam breakdowns and maybe some Revenge or something.

    Seriously though, I don’t really listen to caveman music for the riffs, so this might get interesting.

  • The Mighty Thorange

    All the other bands are English. Lord Rot wins.

    • KJM, Drug Honkey

      If I’d known that was acceptable, I would’ve submitted a Thin Lizzy riff.

  • dan
  • Stockhausen

    Good hot heck that Lord Rot song/riff RIPS.

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    Dang, so many riffs that Bolt my Thrower, if you know what I mean.

  • KJM, Drug Honkey

    OT: A commenter on Boing Boing suggests that in the wake of Fyre Festival, some company will start running pre-planned interactive “Disaster Festival” shows.
    As crazy as it seems, I think the idea has merit.

    • more beer

      From where I am sitting, I think Fyre Fest was a huge success. Some very entitled people learned some valuable life lessons. Plus the whole thing made me laugh.

  • Dear Lizard,
    Thx for introducing us to Scythian. They’re rill gud.
    -Detective

    • ME GORAK™✓ᶜᵃᵛᵉᵐᵃⁿ

      GORAK ALSO VOTE SCYTHIAN!!!!!!!!!!! ME WONDER WHUT GL VOTED????

      • Sorry guys, I was out shooting buck and planting trees.

        GL

  • I did think about submitting a Cradle riff. Fuck you Hans.

    • Hans Copronym

      Olive branch: currently listening to Defective Epitaph cause of your submission last week.

      • We are friends again. Never leave me.

  • Hans Copronym

    Oh, thanks to whoever mentioned Lord Rot and Rats of Reality in the comments once. Both are super fun.

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    No Carcass submissions?!? Villians! Scoundrels! Anyhow Hans gets this one.

  • Al Bvndy

    Fucking Bolt Motherfucking Thrower! That riff right there is my Caveman riff!

  • Hans Copronym

    Also, my suggestion for rhyming slang is “thick”, as in “thick and stiff”, as in COCK JOKE

  • Howard Dean

    I want to vote Bolt Thrower because World Eater is one of the best DM riffs ever but I literally won a Riff ov the Week alteady with that very riff (it was the “band that ends in -er” RotW), so it’s almost cheating at this point.

  • Simon PhoenixKing Rising

    Oh thanks for making me choose between BT, Scythian, Solstice, and Discharge you fucking weiners.

  • Óðinn

    “Meet me when the sun is in the western skies…”

  • KJM, Drug Honkey
  • KJM, Drug Honkey
  • NDG