Riff of the Week: 4-30-2016

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So fucking sick.

Hey everyone. I have returned from the milk carton to provide you with riffs this Saturday. So quit whining, god. I can’t promise you that most of them are good riffs. In fact, I can’t even promise that more than one of them are good riffs. But that doesn’t matter as long as you keep to the protocol and shove your heads firmly up your butt holes before you vote.

If you want in next week, please send your riffs to toiletovhellriff@gmail.com. Include your name, a link to the riff, the time of the riff, and some words, if you will. Everyone is invited.

Let’s get this over with so I can get to crying myself to sleep.

 

Masterlord

It is my opinion that 1:53 is probably the third best riff ever recorded by a death metal band. If you’re not headbanging, check your pulse. And then kill yourself.

 

Brock Samson

What, the opening riff starts at 2:19? trust me, blast and windmill your beer belly for full effect.

 

Jack Bauer

It starts at 5:37 with dat bass and then the guitars kick in followed by the uncontrollable headbanging. You can try to resist it, but you will fail.

 

Richter

The number of riffs in existence at this time is 7,069,334,021. This is one of them. 3:33.

 

Maik Beninton

Read Link’s review, it explains better that I could ever done. 2:40.

 

Ellipsis

Not Mastodon, but Mastodon adjacent, featuring Bill & Brann’s Excellent Adventure into Pre-Don Tech-Death oddness. Please, just Humor Me @0:19…

 

Akerskronks ov Steele

Groovy little Rush-esque riff starts at 2:33. Kinda makes you wanna crowdkill, or disrespect ur surroundings or whatever.

 

KJU

After turning on our resident power metal champion on to these guys, I figure to pull out a cut from one of my top 10 favorite power metal CDs. Epic power metal with no dragon fucking/oily man lyrics, and the riff/crescendo starts at 3:30.

 

Ted Nü-Djent

The only thing I knew about my submission this week was that it was going to be a Cobalt riff, the question was which one shall I use? Ever since Jom Pootersons excellent review of Slow Forever this album has been on regular rotation. While some find the album a bit long, for me it’s a perfect length for my long arse drive to work (and home) each day and the more I listen, the less fault I find with it as I discover a new layer to each song with each spin. The main riff to this song is total awesome sauce, but the riff that I gotta gotta go with is the one that kicks in at 4.05 until pretty much the end of the song. Is this riff what they mean when they refer to ‘elephants marching’? [god not this again. — Masterlord] Given the name of the song it would be totes apropes if it is.

 

Dave

New aborted song sounds like aborted but a bit black metally which is cool, the riff at 1:48 is also cool. Vote for this because Travis Ryan.

 

Waynecro

This song goes fucking hard at 0:22.

 

Bob

First riff. Apt song title for feel of song. There can be only one. This one.

 

Tigeraid

The all-knowing Dubya has once again opened my eyes, this time to Doomsword. Holy fucking shit. So much chuggy, fuzzy, dirty riffage. Pretty much any “main” riff from their tunes will slay the competition, so I’ll pick this one at random. Headbang, slowly, starting around 1:20.

 

Gorak

EVOLUTION IS THE ENEMY!!!! RIFF AT 0:22 GOOD!!

 

Super Nintendo Chalmers

The entire album rips. You dainty postmetal types won’t get it, but it wouldn’t hurt to try. For the actual riff, go to the 10:30 mark, listen through until 11:24, then go to the start and LISTEN TO THE WHOLE THING FROM START TO FINISH. HAIL VOID.

__________________________

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 28-04-2016 20:22:33
end_date 06-05-2016 20:22:33
Poll Results:
Choose...
  • Super Nintendo Chalmers

    We all brought our A game this week.

    Except for that one post metal nerd.

  • tigeraid

    RIFFAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE

    • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

      Upvote for the Bruce Campbell ‘Burn Notice’ avi.

      • tigeraid

        Chuck Finlay. Private eye.

        • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

          Oops! Looks a lot like his Sam Axe character from Burn Notice.

          • tigeraid
          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Oh yeah! Been a while since I’ve watched it. I keep forgetting about it, but I’ve just got one more episode (the final one) left to watch.

          • Pentagram Sam

            Out of curiosity, what’d you think of how the show got A. a bit more “serious” and B. started having more continuity with the stories? I liked how they started to have longer arcs. The problem with say, Lie To Me is that every single fuckin episode was it’s own self contained story. You could watch any episode in any order and it wouldn’t matter.

            Also, did you see the Sam Axe movie? Pretty damn good.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Yep, seen it, and yowza was that Colombian chick hot!
            I like BN overall, but my main problem was just how inplausable the plot got after a while, and the constant “when you’re a spy, you know blah blah blah”. After the second season, it got pretty ridiculous.

  • Dubs

    I gave my vote to Tigeraid. Flattery will get you everywhere.

    • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

      It’s the American Way!

    • tigeraid

      I am now a privileged elite.

  • 365ChaosRiddenDays

    Great pick by Brock in my opinion but Nucleus, Autopsy, Aborted and Hyperion rips too, was an hard choice, you….https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdk845pPXEE

    • Dubs

      Hey friend, have you listened to all of Triangle yet?

      • impossible, it only came out yesterday

      • 365ChaosRiddenDays

        Hi Dubs, yes, I’m listening to “Triangle” in these days. The entire album is a deep experience, a journey through their evolution and expansion of the sound who breaks some confines about Black Metal. Part I seems an extension of the previous “Contradiction” bringing the listener into new horizons in his/her transition towards the conclusion. Atmospheric and aggressive, a blackened anguish who captures the dramatic and intense state of mind in the process of dying, for me at least the music of this first part brings to life the darker side of human emotions, stay strong in my head, so, a resouding success and not a sloppy work. Part II shows a doomier and proggier side of the band and more ritualistic, like the songs in “Metanoia” and “Above The Stars of God” and after the great acoustic conclusion the third part is very challenging, maybe, this works better when the listener is in a particular mood, peaceful, probably the best situation to approach the final part. In the end “Triangle” serve as a musical experience who creates detachment from earthly things, who are mere illusions, I hope this could have some sense. Great album and great interview, thank you Dubs and the other people at the Toilet.

  • IronLawnmower

    EXORIATE MOTHERFUCKERS

    • Super Nintendo Chalmers

      THIS GUY KNOWS WHAT’S UP.

  • Sir Tapir The Based

    Post metal>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Excoriate

    • Super Nintendo Chalmers

      Tapirs are the dumbest.

      • Maik Beninton™

        Here tapir is used as swear to call people stupid.

    • Post metal is literally the worst.

      • Sir Tapir The Based

        Says the guy that likes the cancer that is Tech death.

      • Eliza

        Is post rock the worst too?

        • EsusMoose

          I bet you and him don’t even lift your skinny fingers like antennas to heaven

          • Eliza

            I was just asking. And I sometimes do that.

      • Hubert

        wat?

      • Möthër Shäbübü

        Nah.

      • Super Nintendo Chalmers

        Considering who is liking Tapirs comment, your statement is being reaffirmed. Huehuehuehuehue.

      • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

        Your opinion is irrelevant until Corey Taylor ‘weighs in’ on it.

      • *listened to Cult of Luna feat. Julie Christmas this morning*
        *knows that dad rock exists*
        *carves “Jack Bauer” into chest, swallows cyanide pill*

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          Jimmy plz! Dad rock is my life!

        • Sir Tapir The Based

          Mariner is fucking great! We’re no longer friendos!

          • c’mon m9, i’m saying JB is dumb for shitting on post rock. agreed, Mariner is phenom.

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            Oh. Shit. I’ve got fucking fever and my brain works even less than usually. Time to go do a sudoku.

          • well hey now, it should equally piss you off that we agree on YET another album 😉

    • Hubert

      I’d say both are pretty good but they’re hard to compare.

      I’m taking this way too seriously am I?

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Saint Vitus is the only winner here.

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    There actually are quite a few good ones here today. Vitus, Hyperion, Terzij De Horde, Aborted, Excoriate…
    But the true battle today was fought between Robbing The Grave, taken from an album ranking highly among the best dm albums ever – for each of it’s twisted riffs is pure gold, and Nucleus’ Starflyer for that riff is awesomesauce.

    • I remember fondly the first time I heard that starflyer riff. I almost crashed my car.

      • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

        Me too, ’twas 24 minutes ago and I banged my computer screen into oblivion.

  • Dave Vincent’s Perm

    Y’know, if things had gone right for me yesterday I would be the proud owner of a Hughes and Kettner halfstack.

    • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

      Aw, bummer.

      • Dave Vincent’s Perm

        The price it went for was insane. Daylight robbery.

  • Möthër Shäbübü

    Brvck Svmsvn gvts my vvtv. Akhlys rules.

  • Eliza

    I voted for Lethargy because I like the riff and NOT because I really really love Mastodon.

  • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

    Lol, I see you saw my little milk carton pic of you yesterday.

  • High on Vallenfyre

    Holy shit masterlord might actually get this one!

  • Hubert

    AUTOPSY: Seriously? This riff is pretty good but honestly it’s not that special of a Death Metal riff. Masterlord has very low standards.
    AKHLYS: Again it’s nothing special. Just a decent introductory riff, slightly worse than the previous one. More damning is the 2 minutes of ambient nothingness preceding it.
    NUCLEUS: This one is great. Heavy, weird and I love the bass opening the riff. Good stuff.
    TERZIJ DE HORDE: Youtube vid didn’t work with me, couldn’t find the track on Spotify sorry dude.
    HYPERION: This one is cool. Very driven and melodic.
    LETHARGY: Alright I guess, not really my thing honestly. I do like the riff that comes after it.
    SAINT VITUS: Ultra simplistic doom riffage. Nothing wrong with it but nothing extraordinary.
    ALQUIMIA: A solid, resounding meh. Entirely passable.
    COBALT: Very simplistic, very meh. I guess it’s kind of heavy, but I’m feeling it.
    ABORTED: Passable. It’s decently heavy.
    JESUS AIN’T IN POLAND: Yeah this is pretty good.
    ELECTRO QUARTERSTAFF: HEAVY. Hadn’t heard this band before but I’m digging this.
    DOOMSWORD: It’s alright. I be digging the guitar tone.
    THE BERZERKER: OH SHIT, this one is really cool.
    EXCORIATE: THIS ONE CRUSHES. I’m loving the drums on here. Guitar stuff is good too.

    • morning, goat. it has been a long time since you have been very very wrong but today you are very very wrong about that autopsy riff. love u tho.

      • Hubert

        I’d rather be wrong than be a pleb.

        • you’re lucky I love goats so much or i swear mister you’d be up to your ears in trouble

      • more beer

        It’s got double the votes of it’s nearest competitor. Enough said.

        • I suspect it’s getting votes because it’s Autopsy and not so much because of the riff as is often the case with ROTW.

          • more beer

            Well you can’t fuck with the classics.

          • i suspect that is true in every single case but this one where I’m winning

        • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls
          • more beer

            That is your own fault.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            For not going with the low hanging fruit, because I’m a rebel like that. :-p

          • more beer

            No because you listen to things no one else likes.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Actually, I got Randall and Eliza into Alquimia a couple weeks ago. So neener neener!

            http://i112.photobucket.com/albums/n198/sharonjean921/neenerneener-lmg.gif

            And another scoop of neener for the road!

          • more beer

            So two people now listen to one of the bands you like. You will still get no votes. My statement stands.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Damn you for being right! *maximum neenering*

            Well, I have won a couple. Remember the whole Ghost Bath debacle, or the great Electric Six scandal (I won by almost 3 times to votes of the second place person, who was mentioned as the winner in the article)?

          • ah, Electric Six: a band everyone loves!

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Indeed! Well, except for Tapir, because fun and stuff.

          • surprise, im not a big fan either

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Lol @ “oily man lyrics”

          • i thought that was funny too

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls
          • CyberneticOrganism

            The oiliest man (with breasts)

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            He got a bit pudgey in Rock N Roll Nightmare 2, which I sadly own.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Please do a GSTW!

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            What’s a GSTW?

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Gimme something to watch

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Oh! Haha, nah. I sat through an hour of it, and quickly regretted ever buying it. It’s not awful in a so bad it’s good kind of way. It’s awful in a blatantly awful sort of way. It looks like the shittiest college film project ever made, and it’s unbearable to watch.

      • I voted for ya.

      • Simon PhoenixKing Rising

        To be fair, the end riff to this song goes much harder.

        https://youtu.be/H5zKUe0SB9A

    • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

      Terzij is on Bandcamp. Oh Black Goat Who Is Thousand Times Wrong About Autopsy.

    • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

      Wow, you passed over all the good stuff and fell for the world’s worst techno-metal band (The Berserker). That =

      http://images1.tickld.com/live/4408.jpg

    • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

      Nice breakdown.

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        Yeah but my pick was described as meh. At least he’s feeling it I suppose. I do appreciate when Hubert takes the time to breakdown each submission though

  • I always forget to submit one. But I’m going to be lazy and just throw this amazing riff out there. Starting at 0:27…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6nbXzynL_E

    • Dubs

      Yo, I bit the bullet and imported Totality by Rites of Thy Degringolade.

      • Dude, nice! CD or Wax?

        • Dubs

          Just CD. Shipping is esspensive.

  • so, Masterloaf ignominiously returns and we’re all just supposed to vote for Autopsy?

  • Guppusmaximus

    I’m late to the submitting a riff as well. Try this one on for size.
    You can jump to 3:09 or witness auditory brilliance from the start – Your choice
    That solo at the end. Fucking flawless…
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmHseXjesig

  • brokensnow

    The hipster metal is strong this week, lol.

    • have you BEEN to the Toilet before? huehuez

    • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

      Umm, did you listen to that Nucleus song?

      • brokensnow

        ya.

        • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

          Hipster metal?

          • i hate to disillusion anyone using this site but, to the outside world, pretty much everyone in here is a hipster.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            I have unfortunately been regarded as a hipster before, and I slayed that poor bastard with my STEEL.

            Just trying to figure out what makes Nucleus and the rest of the riffs “hipster metal” that’s all.

          • brokensnow

            I still listen to nuu metal.

          • hipster

          • brokensnow

            wacka wacka

          • some of my IRL friends call us “elitists” :/

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            My sister thinks I’m an elitist.

          • did you correct her and say “no, i’m actually the Armond White of the music world”?

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            No.

          • The above applies to all but that darned Power Metal contingent.

          • especially them

          • brokensnow

            nah, just bland to me.
            Bezerker
            Aborted
            quarter staff
            Thats what i liked. the others were middling or un aware lolzbuttz.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            Hmm, alrighty

          • brokensnow

            I still like your butt, ross.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            Why thank you!

            I enjoy your fracturedfrozenprecipitation.

          • brokensnow

            or accumulation? lolz

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            Damn, that would’ve been better.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Man, I should’ve went with my other pick. Brutal death metal blastbeats and blackened tech death solos at the 55 second mark.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JgffRW1fKDk

          • brokensnow

            ya, this is better than what you picked.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Hey now! Even though I like both.

          • Lacertilian

            You could always submit something.
            We need a place to shit as well.

    • Terzij-de-Horde is hipster metal du jour and I do not regret it.

      -Mark Ass Hipster

  • RJA

    Gotta go with Chalmers on this one – whole album rules

    • Super Nintendo Chalmers

      Yea, it was gooder, but I think I wasted it when MasterDORK had to pull out the Autopsy just to compete.

  • Masterlord gets my vote, for picking a band that more than 20 people have heard of.
    BTW, @Waynecro:disqus love that band! not many people know of them.
    “Jimmy, you can’t criticize one dude for obscure picks and congratulate another on the same thing!”

    • brokensnow

      “Jimmy, you can’t criticize one dude for obscure picks and congratulate another on the same thing!”

    • Waynecro

      Jesus Ain’t in Poland fuckin’ rules, but I don’t know if it’s still an active band. I tried to order a shirt when the band released its last CD, but PayPal sent my money back after a month. Apparently, no one from the band bothered to take the money and fulfill the order.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Holy shit that Excoriate is siqqq

  • brokensnow
  • *listens to Autopsy riff*
    *does not headbang*
    *checks pulse as instructed*
    *kills self also as instructed*

    • EsusMoose

      If only you were a Steve ass bitch or a Dan from marketing ass bitch maybe it’d be different.

      • If I were a Tanya from HR Ass Bitch I think everything would be okay. Solid health plan, respectable 401K, stock shares and investment opportunities . . .

        • EsusMoose

          Don’t forget the extra 3 days of vacation, that just seals the deal.

          • Plus that Craig from Accounting Ass Bitch would go down on me under my desk every Thursday at 11:45…

        • let’s talk about Tanya. i’m pretty sure she’s the one leaving notes in the fridge, talkin bout “quit using my salad dressing” and “this has been in here a week, PLEASE THROW IT OUT”

          • YOU DON’T THROW MUSTARD OUT AFTER A WEEK, TANYA–IT’S GOOD UNTIL 2018

  • Rob M

    Excoriate should be dominating this…

    …come on posers, get on my level

  • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

    The national nightmare has begun: studies reveal that Vikings did in fact not wear horned helmets (which deducts 9999 metal points). #TruthHurts

    https://youtu.be/gTLbLeow2nQ

    • i could have told you this

      • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

        Eh, it’s new to me, and the article for it was just released yesterday.

        • sometimes an english major and history minor come in handy

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            <————— has no majors, never went to college and is stinky dumb dumb

          • ill give you my vote, kju

          • more beer

            You’re the only one!

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Must. Resist. Urge. To pull a JJD and upvote myself…………..

          • more beer

            Doesn’t matter you still lose.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Not completely, though! And so says the guy who doesn’t have a song on there. #FeelTheBuuuuuurn 😉

          • more beer

            You will never win. Hows that for feeling the burn?

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            I’ve already won before, twice. Neener neener! As far as winning again, yeah, most likely not.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls
          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Did you actually like the song, though?

          • the song isnt terrible, but that was no riff (that you timestamped). it was a decent solo.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            I more or less just wanted to put one of their songs out there. They’re not a particuraly riff heavy band, really. Next week though I’m pulling out the big guns, and submitting a song with several solos, riffs and a breakdown (no, it’s definitely not metalcore or deathcore).

          • Dubs

            I thought it was pretty common knowledge the horns were an operatic romanticism.

          • me too. especially the Wagnerian ones

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Apparently I missed the boat on that one.

  • Ted Nü-Djent ™

    Super Nintendo gets my vote for his use of the term “dainty post metal types”

  • Waynecro

    It was a tough call for me as usual. Nice work, dudes!

  • FUCK! New Nuke song, and it rules!

    https://hellsheadbangers.bandcamp.com/album/nuke

  • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

    I vaguely remember some of you guys talking about it a while back, but is The Babadook any good? Thinking out checking it out tomorrow.

    • Dubs

      I’m a fan.

    • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

      WATCH IT.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Apparently Peter Tosh was murdered in 1987. How did I not know this?

    • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

      RIP, Peter Tosh:

      http://cdn3.thr.com/sites/default/files/2015/03/daniel_tosh.jpg

      (joking aside, that’s been a pretty well known fact for quite some time)

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        I had no clue. The drummer for the Wailers Carlton Barrett was also murdered in 1987.

        • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

          Two other people were killed and several others injured in the robbery that killed Tosh. Oddly and sadly enough, it was all masterminded by a guy that Tosh was helping find work.

          • more beer

            Jamaica can be a really dangerous place. Don’t let the looking like paradise fool you.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Yep, the Jamaican girl I dated years and years back told me that they specifically have areas just for tourists, and areas they don’t allow tourists in (aka, the bad areas), and different police forces for both.

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            This is very true.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Been there, I’m guessing?

      • has no one killed daniel tosh yet?

        • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

          Nope, nor should they kill a national treasure like him!

          • more beer

            GAH!

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Bite thine tongue, foul heathen, Daniel Tosh walks amongst mere mortals as amongst apes!

          • more beer

            He’s a fucking idiot.

        • more beer

          I figured that guy would have killed himself by now.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            He kept joking around about it for a while, but thankfully didn’t go through with it. Now we have many many more years of his cutting edge and thought provoking comedy to come, and the world is forever grateful for that!

          • more beer

            No the earth dies a little more. Fixed that for you.

      • more beer

        Since 1987.

  • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

    Methinks the Masterlord may win this one.

  • BobLoblaw

    No love for Electro “nothing but riffmasters” Quarterstaff? You people disgust me.

  • Thanks for the shoutout, Maik!!!

  • CyberneticOrganism

    lol @ “Dragon Time”