Riff Of The Week: 1,2,3 Edition

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Which riff will be crowned the Toilet’s Incontinental Champion?

Last week we had our first quarter giveaway round and the final results were tighter than dick skin. Despite some shenanigans when we removed the spammer bullshit and looked at the individual votes it came down to just a single vote splitting the top 3 entries. Congratulations to Richter for somehow topping Power Trip with a Portuguese black metal riff from Viles Vitae. Guessing either some occult sect linked the post to some dank dark-web version of reddit, or a bunch of you share his insatiable thirst for the wretched and voted accordingly. Either way, stay on the line and we’ll sort out your prize (*).

This week we asked for riffs from the first minute of the second song from a band’s third album, and while this basic-ass theme had some of you scoffing when it was announced, I felt entirely validated when we had 5 submissions arrive before the day was even out. This fact alone kept me alive for another week, merely on the promise that I’d get to turn up here today and needlessly gloat casually mention that it was a worthy theme idea. There are a fair few submissions to get through (one riff even turned up twice), so head on through and check them out. Don’t forget to use the promo code FLANGE when voting to get a 15% discount on your next bone decalcification.


Positronic Brain

Metallica – “Master Of Puppets”

I’m not gonna even try to pick anything kvlt or vndergrovnd. Metallica’s first four full-lengths are better than just about anything to come out since in ANY metal sub-genre. You know it, I know it. Hell, there’s actually THREE killer, memorable riffs within the first minute of “Master of Puppets,” but I’m talking about the verse riff which starts at 0:52. It’s catchy, it’s thrashy (palm-muted downstrokes at 212 bpm ain’t no joke, son), it even has a bar of 11/16 in it. It’s what every thrash band wishes they could write, and if at least two other people don’t also submit it, I’ll…I’ll…be a little surprised, I guess.


megachiles

Mastodon – “Crystal Skull”

This is probably my favorite 1st minute of the 2nd song from a band’s 3rd full-length album ever. And even though Mastodon is for total nerds, I still find myself coming back to this song when I want to grimace and stomp around. This song has been on my gym playlist so consistently, that it’s a wonder I haven’t sprouted a neckbeard, begun collecting katanas, and m’lady’d my spouse into a marital annulment. Riffz start @ >00:12, and enter a tetanized state for the duration of the 1st minute. Let the Mastodong e x p a n d you.

Ted Nu-Djent

I’ve listened to nothing but Mastodon this week so you get this. Many years after the first month of release of Blood Mountain, I have not forgotten about it. 12 seconds in. Cheers

tigeraid

Annihilator – “No Zone”

I think I need to bring my fellow Canucks back into the fray after a solid layoff. Lemme grab some stubby brews and tear the sleeves off my jean jacket.  Your SPEED riff kicks in at 0:15.  I would highly recommend listening past the one minute mark.  Ees reel gud.


Lone Biker Of The Apocalypse

Sacred Reich – “The American Way”

3…2…1…Go!  As far as a riff from 1 minute of the 2nd song from a 3rd album, you could do worse than go with Arizona’s Sacred Reich.  The name of the song could describe the actual riff included within, it was covered a few years ago by Kataklysm, who, (regardless of your actual preference for the band) have been known to bring the riff, and the video for the song was featured in the cinematic achievement known as Encino Man.  Enjoy – riff starts at the 0:09 mark.


@JWG79

Mendozza – “Illuminairus”

‘Illuminairus’ leads right off with a mighty riff (timestamp: 0:00).

It’s not on YouTube in its recorded form, but thankfully there’s a live 2011 version from Logans (a gig I was at, not at all by coincidence) that more than demonstrates its weight.


Hans Copronym Müller

Iniquity – “The Bullet’s Breath”

After considering some other options, I was happy to find that this song qualified. As a young’un, before I knew what Tech Death even was, I came across a hilaaaarious video called Growl Karaoke which used this track. I felt compelled to get a hold of the album, which wasn’t as easy back then. Don’t like Tech Death much these days, but always had a big soft spot for these guys and this album in particular. Getting to the point, if the riff starting at 0:09 doesn’t tickle you in some way, you might as well do like the protagonist and paint the walls with your brain matter, cuz you already ded son.


Howard Dean

Manilla Road – “Necropolis”

This decision almost broke me. After a grueling sixteen hours of deliberation, I decided to choose the opening riff from Manilla Road’s “Necropolis” over the main riff of Liege Lord’s “Eye of the Storm.” Here’s some advice: 1) Listen to my riff; 2) Vote for my riff; 3) Spend your day listening to Crystal Logic on repeat; 4) Cry tears of joy; 5) ???; 6) Profit. Riff starts right at 0:00.


Scott Towel

Fyrnask – “Draugr”

After a brooding tremolo build-up, a monstrous fiery riff erupts, burning everything that stands in its way (including the listener, of course). Seriously, I feel that I should warn you because this riff is aggressive as fuk. And keep in mind that this is only one dude who did everything on the record! Must’ve taken him lots of kvlt candles to come up with this… Anyway, riff @0:33.


Freedom Jew

Def Leppard – “Photograph”

1st minute, 2nd song (“Photograph”), 3rd album (“Pyromania”).  This was “Smoke on the Water” for the hair metal generation.  Timestamp is like 0:04 in.


Yarnhawk

Earthless – “Uluru Rock”

The day Black Sabbath went in to record their debut album, Ozzy was nowhere to be found.  Standing in the studio, unable to reach their vocalist, Tony looked at Bill and Geezer and said, “Well, we could pack it all up now, or since we’ve already paid for the studio time, we could just hit record and crank out a sick jam sesh.”  He was answered with a crashing of cymbals and a bluesy wandering bass lick, to which he promptly responded with a soaring, drug induced guitar line.  And thus, “From the Ages” by Earthless came into being. Or at least, that’s how I like to picture it in my head.  Mash that play button at 0:50 for the riffage. (Just squeaked it in!)


This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 07-04-2017 20:22:33
end_date 14-04-2017 23:59:59
Poll Results:
Who?

Next week we’re getting anatomical, by that I mean your riff must come from a song that mentions a body part in its title. This can be internal or external, as long as it’s part of the human body. Why only humans, you ask? Because humans are the most important animal, according to humans, and as humans are the most important animal, this must be true. Send your entries to toiletovhellriff@gmail.com with a link to the track, your screen-name, and a short description which includes a time-stamp of when the riff begins.


(* = calls cost $36/minute)

(Image via, via)

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  • Sid Vicious Promos

    X-Pac/123 Kid was never Intercontinental champion. He was a European champion, Light Heavyweight champion and Tag Team champion. He also tore his anus during a wrestling match.

    • Señor Jefe El Rossover

      Call it quits folks, this is the best comment of the day.

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        Inadvertently no doubt.

    • Doom Scientist

      I had to double check. I’m kinda surprised that he was never IC Champ.

      • Sid Vicious Promos

        It surprised me too.

        • Doom Scientist

          I’m also kinda surprised that he was never WWF Hardcore Champ. When they had the 24/7 rule, pretty much everybody got to hold that belt.

          • Sid Vicious Promos

            He should have been. I wish they’d bring that belt back. Speaking of wrestling I’m going to an event tonight where Tony Atlas, Gillberg, Sabu, Alberto Del Rio, Carlito and Bret Hart are on the card.

          • Doom Scientist

            Cody Rhodes was in my area last night.

          • Sid Vicious Promos

            He does a lot of events in my area for a company called Northeast Wrestling.

          • Doom Scientist

            EVOLVE & Beyond are doing another double header in my area this June. That should bring some big names with it.

      • Rob M

        Honestly, its not too surprising when you think about it…it was a different time and the IC belt actually meant something back then….Theyd only put it on you if you were expected to actually become a top draw at some point.
        X-pac was never more than an undercard at best. He didnt have the size or physique McMahon likes in his top guys, and really couldnt get over with the crowd. The only thing he really had going for him was his friendship behind the scenes with dudes like Shawn Michaels and such…he was a coattail rider

        • Howard Dean

          X-Pac/1-2-3 also suffered because he was annoying as fuck in every iteration.

          • Rob M

            Oh totally agree…I couldnt stand that fucker. He always came across as the token spaz of any group he hung with.

            If wrestling was Saved By the Bell, than X-Pac/1-2-3 was the fucking Screech of the Attitude Era

    • Lacertilian

      Tearing his anus helped him become the Incontinental Champion.

      • Doom Scientist

        I admit I had to read a couple of times before I got it.

        • Lacertilian

          It’s a sad day when a poop joke goes unnoticed on a Toilet-themed website.

          • Doom Scientist

            Indeed.

        • Sid Vicious Promos

          Paige is here with Del Rio. Im not joking.

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        Boom tish. Your dad jokes are coming along nicely.

    • Óðinn

      Haha! “He also tore his anus”. Awesome.

  • AndySynn

    What, no Stuck Mojo?

    Seriously though… I love that Fyrnask track and album, but very little beats Master of Puppets.

    • Sid Vicious Promos

      It was a hard decision but I picked Manilla Road.

      • Asshole!

        • Sid Vicious Promos

          Brain plz! I love Manilla Road!

          • I hadn’t heard them before! Just checked that one out – killer riff and mention of “the river Styx” right off the bat. A+

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Well Crystal Logic basically is the best classic heavy metal album of all time.

            CRYS-TAAAAAHUUUULLLL LOOOOOOgiiiiiicccccc

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJGDmGZjXxk

          • Sid Vicious Promos

            Is that even a question? Of course it is.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            As Manila Road basically is the best classic heavy metal band of all time. These are facts.

          • Elegant Gazing Globe

            I think Voyager was a little better

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Good album, though it took a while to get used to the growls on some of the tracks.

          • Elegant Gazing Globe

            Thats what i thought put it over the top

          • Howard Dean

            I really like Voyager, too. I’d rank it just after Crystal Logic, right in line with Open the Gates.

    • GoatForest

      That’s right. I’m all about the underground, but we’re talking about goddamned Master of fucking Puppets here. That is easily one of the best metal songs ever conceived.

  • Primordial Chaos

    I give my vote to Positronic Brain and speaking about my tastes I will share this with you, some bestial Black/Death torrent of chaos in the vein of Revenge and Blasphemy, these fiends call themselves Ululatum Tollunt, here, rips truly hard:https://invictusproductions666.bandcamp.com/album/quantum-noose-of-usurpation

  • Oh man, Def fuckin’ Leppard! Totally unguilty pleasure of mine. Bought “On Through the Night” on vinyl for $8 a few weeks ago. It’s killer NWOBHM and the front cover is a flatbed truck haulin’ a huge guitar around out in space.

  • Señor Jefe El Rossover

    I HAVE WITNESSED FUNERAL PYRES!

    BURNING BRIGHT WITH MAN’S DESIRE!

    I WILL FIGHT THE DEMON HORDE FOREVER MORE!

  • tigeraid

    AH SHIT, DEAN WITH THE MANILLA ROAD. You win. 🙁

    • Sid Vicious Promos

      I’m lost in Necropolis!

      • Señor Jefe El Rossover

        Feels like I’m living inside a dream

        • Sid Vicious Promos

          Now I know what it’s like to be inside the city of the dead

  • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

    LOST IN NECROPOLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSssssssssssssssss

  • Brock Samson

    What has nine arms and sucks?

    Def Leppard

  • Doom Scientist

    Old man iz old. Puppets.

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    Older. Leppard

  • The Tetrachord of Archytas

    Thanks for not putting necropolis at the top so that I could at least look at some of the other options before voting

  • Doom Scientist
  • JWG79

    Annihilator! There goes any hope anyone else had of consideration.

    Including myself.

    • Lacertilian

      Came down to Mendozza, Earthless, and Manilla Road for me.

  • Ted Nü-Djent ™

    @JWG79:disqus’s submission
    https://youtu.be/MOk4hQXbGDs

    • SharonWatson111

      ><𝘾𝙤𝙡𝙡𝙚𝙘𝙩 $150/𝙙𝙖𝙞𝙡𝙮 𝙞𝙣 𝙩𝙞𝙢𝙚 𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙘𝙝𝙤𝙤𝙨𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙗𝙮 𝙝𝙖𝙣𝙙𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙞𝙣 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙠 𝙙𝙚𝙧𝙞𝙫𝙚𝙙 𝙛𝙧𝙤𝙢 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙚𝙢𝙥𝙡𝙤𝙮𝙚𝙧 𝙄 𝙛𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙙 𝙤𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙣𝙚𝙩… 𝙎𝙖𝙢𝙥𝙡𝙚 𝙞𝙩 𝙤𝙪𝙩, 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙞𝙣𝙩𝙤 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙥𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙞𝙣𝙘𝙤𝙢𝙚 𝙛𝙧𝙤𝙢 𝙩𝙤𝙙𝙖𝙮!
      ➤➤➤➤➤➤➤➤ https://aturl.us/short/364lY

  • Shakes 999

    So next week is gonna be 90% Cattle Decapitation riffs I’m guessing.

  • NDG

    Nice job.

    Cannot decide between ‘Tallica, Def Lep, Manilla Road or Earthless…all sweet picks.

  • LOST IN NECROOOOOPOLIIIIIIIS!

  • Patrick Bertlein

    Fyrnask is easily one of the top black metal bands out right now, hands down.

    Cool to be reminded of Iniquity, between this and dying fetus I’m riding that nostalgia train.