Rho Stone’s Audiovisual Adventures: Rhapsody of Fire “Rain of a Thousand Flames”

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If you could milk a dragon and make cheese out of that milk, this is what it would look like.

First things first: This video and I have a history. I grew up in South America and for whatever reason the adoration people have for power metal in hispanic countries is insane. I’ve never been a power metal guy myself (plus I have, like, self-respect), so I had kind of a bird’s eye view of how a lot of people took the overall cheesiness quite seriously. You’ve seen all those ESL bands. You may think their names and song titles sound stupid because of their lack of understanding of the english language, but that’s not the case. They sound equally goofy in spanish as well, and they’re definitely not in on the joke. If you think you’ll never see a power metal hesher, just go on a trip south. That’s not saying it all sounds like shit. It’s not my cup of tea, but I know some of you are into this kind of stuff.

Apparently I know some of the people playing here, I just realized it from seeing their names in the video description.

I first saw this video back in my mid-teens one day a guy made a “come to my house to look at all these music video compilation DVDs I have” thing.

***THE FOLLOWING VIDEO IS NSFW, IF YOUR CO-WORKERS SEE YOU WATCHING THIS THEY’RE GOING TO INSTALL LOCKERS IN THE OFFICE JUST FOR YOU***

So what struck me the most was not the video itself, but how everyone (there was a shit ton of people, a projector was set on the wall and all that) was there with a straight face. It’s not a bad song by any means, but come on. It’s Dungeons & Dragons meets public access TV. I guess it did its job as a marketing tool because this is the kind of video that everyone has to see at least once, but holy hell it is weird. This video baffles me because they obviously had the means to make it work. They had a studio and equipment, background footage, smoke machines, a poor man’s Robert Plant, someone capable of using post-production software (albeit poorly), pierced nipples, big fat tires and everything. The way I see it, this video came to life because of one of these two reasons:

1. Rhapsody are geniuses who knew how to make the perfect “So bad it’s good” video, which would net them thousands of views once youtube was invented.

2. There are no toilets in Europe, so they thought they’d be safe from being flushed.

Considering how seriously power metal people can take things, I’m assuming the latter. I’ve seriously been looking for some background on this video, but my research bears no fruit. This sucks because I have way too many questions. Where did it air? To what audience? What were they thinking?

I feel like a detective solving a case, a murder where the culprit was too dumb to know which end of the knife to use. My guess is that the people in charge of the video were technically capable of operating equipment and production, but completely oblivious to the subtext of what they where doing. They only knew enough to be wrong. Yes, quick camera pans and cuts where a good idea, but are not properly executed. The actions may be right, but the camera work makes them look awkward.

Let me try to organize my thoughts. Let’s analyze this chronologically. Right in the beginning, someone should have told them about Chekov’s gun. This is a principle that states that if you show or describe something, it must have something to do with what happens later, otherwise it doesn’t fit. If, for example, there’s a gun being loaded on the story, it must go off at some point. Otherwise you’ve left a piece of plot unresolved, which is bad storytelling. Now, why would they show the child to adult transformation if that has nothing to do with the video? There’s no coming of age plot or something like that. Score one flush for our boys in Rhapsody. Make it two because of the use of generic fire, for a bunch of D&D nerds that’s totally not imaginative.

Then you have a misty black and white scene where a dude gets his mojo stolen or something like that. The woman acts fine, but that gets ruined when they shut the song of in favor to the sounds of nature, and is further ruined with that awkwardly put together montage of her topless in a frame that looks like it belongs in Super Nintendo. This is followed by a montage of “We don’t know what to put on the screen”. Choosing to put the castle first in the list of things to show could’ve worked, but it doesn’t. Putting the outside of a location first introduces the public to said location, and the viewer understands that’s where the next part of the story is going to happen. However, they chose to show random shots instead, killing their possibilities of continuity.

Now, about the camera work. Half the time it’s a dude running around while holding the camera, zooming in and out with no regard to what he’s doing. I can picture him behind the scenes moving back and forth, flailing left and right like an idiot. It makes the still shots of the woman dancing seem even more out of place with the band. Also, they fucked up the borders of their video. Whenever they switch between backgrounds the sides have an atrocious line of background footage they must have stolen from someone else’s generic video.

flush these lines

Is this the best shot they have? Maybe he wanted to show us his “O face”.

Is it just me, or the explosions in the chorus are either in front of them when they should be on the background, or a cheap version of the Death Star explosion from Star Wars?

flushbewithyou

Luke, may the flush be with you, always.

Next we have Robert Plant’s special cousin fighting against lens flares, and Horseface the keyboard player tossing The Book of Heavy Metal’s lightning at Countess Boobies, who I guess is like a mojo stealer from another dimension? His lightning is so powerful it even gets out of the frame.

Screen shot 2014-09-23 at 12.40.42 AM

Pictured: Post-production

Some shots exposing her intentions instead of her tits would have really helped give this thing a narrative. But I guess narratives don’t attract horny boys who don’t know how to search for porn on the internet.

Demonknockers then stabs I don’t know who. How am I supposed to care if that’s the character’s first and last appearance? Then the band gangs up on Eviltits Final Fantasy style and I guess the dude who is avenging the people we never saw a reason for him to avenge becomes the new bad guy. Someone hand Rhapsody of Fire a prize please.

In conclusion, yes, this video is awful, and that could’ve been averted. But if it wasn’t so putridly bad, I wouldn’t be writing about it right now. Maybe “Rain of a Thousand Flames” is the “The Room”  of music videos. It has a plot that makes no sense, unnecessary nudity, production up the ass, but a cheesy charm that drives us towards seeing it again and again, making it a video we all love to look at and cringe a little bit.

  • Doctor Dickless

    Objective truth: this is the best music video ever.
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=fZmHho8ZEPI

    • M Shadows!

      Hai!

      • Doctor Dickless

        Hello there cutie!

        • Get a room

          • Doctor Dickless

            Only if you join.

          • *sigh* I would take you to the interrogation room but I just listened to aevangelist and my brain is soup so that will have to wait.

          • Doctor Dickless

            It’s because I’m imaginary, you fucking racist asshole.

          • M Shadows!

            Hai?

          • You don’t seem very imaginary to me.

          • Doctor Dickless

            I’m not imaginary to you anymore? Did Finland become real?

          • Did what become real? Stop making things up! You are clearly not metaphysical anymore.

          • Doctor Dickless

            Have you done drugs again?

          • Hmm?

          • Doctor Dickless

            ….

          • (that’s me)

          • Doctor Dickless

            Jimmy, what is going on? Is Finland now real?

          • Xan

            I know that feeling. I am going to listen to Artificial Brain for the first time on my way home from work. I pray for my brain’s cohesion.

          • For…For the first time? U lucky fucker you!

          • Xan

            I can feel my iPod quaking in anticipation.

          • Do ever notice when the ipod is on shuffle mode that it tends to play a select few artists wayyyyy more than the rest of your playlist?

          • Xan

            Yep. I wish I could get something other than an iPod but I need something with massive storage that isn’t the price of used car. Mine loves to play Black Sabbath, Slayer, and Cryptopsy a lot.

          • I started using my phone recently, with an app called rocket player. I hear everything equally now. I’m never going back.

          • Xan

            I’m rocking one of the old school iPods. One of the 160GB ones. I have about 120GB of shit I still can’t put on there. This is the reason I remain poor.

          • Lol. I know that feeling.

          • Tyree

            I get a lot of Anal Cunt that plays. I have 216 tracks by them.

          • Between The Buried & Smee

            Anal Cunt ended up as my 15th most listened to band on Last.fm due to that.

          • i see you shiver with antici……………………. pation

    • How does he play the keyboard without destroying it?

      • Remember in Dragonball Z when the saiyans practiced self-control by being Super Saiyans and doing everyday things? Like that

        • W.

          I remember that. Stupid Gohan kept breaking the glasses.

        • I never watched that show, had strict parents

          • Never saw it either due to NOT BEING A WEEB.

          • W.

            🙁

            Can I be partially redeemed for hating anime now that I’m a grown-ass man?

          • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

            No because you can only hate 99.9% of anime as a grown-ass man due to Cowboy Bebop being unflushable. Fact.
            I’m not into anime at all. Most of it is the same shit with slightly different monsters or giant robots or magical samurai gobbledygook. But even I can respect Cowboy Bebop.
            Plus it has a corgi, rendering all opposing arguments invalid.

          • This nipple speaks the truth

          • the movie was the rocket!

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            a lot of anime is cool. I am not ashamed to be aroused by cartoon characters. I even liked pebbles when i was a boy. (!) the teenage one of course.

      • Scrimm

        Beach muscles. Useless in real life. Unless you’re Arnold.

    • YourLogicIsFlushed

      He looks like a mannequin in the picture for this article.

    • What’s he gonna do? throw his lightning at me?

    • Scrimm

      I’ve tapped out guys that look like that before. So much fun.

      • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

        when i worked in the bar i never had to fight, it was a matter of self confidence and looking the person in the eye. They size you up, and a choice is made, do they want to risk losing a fight. After you even come to be on semi good terms with them which is good for business. Sounds like i am bragging but thats how it worked, it was the perception of the outcome not neccessarily my ability as a fighter ( which probably was not up to par frankly) The intimidation factor while being a nice guy, thats what i practiced. People would say , you know it was great to meet you, you could have been a real asshole but you were’nt , it was odd to hear but i have always respected people until they disrespect me or my friends and its worked well. The one drawback is some of my friends would use my protection to act like assholes with the belief i would back them up even if they were in the wrong which i usually did. I wasn’t happy about it though. But friends are friends.

        • Scrimm

          No I know from security work myself that thats how it goes sometimes. I only tapped guys like that sparring in class lol. In Jiu Jitsu though you spar at a hundred percent. sometimes the strength those guys had worked against them, they would be manhandling you and get over confidant and hand you a submission.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            my cousin knows jiu jitsu and he is always putting holds on me and twisting my arms and shit, pisses me off hahhahh, it hurts, he is about half my size but he mountain climbs and eats straw and protein. Real health nut.

          • Scrimm

            I used to be a pretty big health nut myself, My big thin was running. I really should get back to it.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            just got the crown crowned in terror cd for $2.49 off ebay. A good score i would say.

          • Scrimm

            Yeah that is a great deal, by far my favorite crown album.

    • Putin’s been getting juiced after the whole Ukraine thingy!

  • Mother Shabubu III

    ……

    • Doctor Dickless

      10/10 gave me a laugh.

    • 10/10 would review again

  • MoshOff

    YOU’RE TEARING ME APAAART, RHOOOOOOOOOO

    • God

      Oh hi mark.

    • Anyway how’s your sex life?

      • MoshOff

        Can’t talk about it.

      • Mother Shabubu III

        In a cuckolding phase with a non-married couple I’m friends with. I fear I’m turning into a hedonist.

      • Guacamole Jim

        Oh hi Denny

  • The classics!!!!!! I haven’t seen that video in fucking eons, but loved it. Beats anything Crapsody Of Fire’s ever done (though I’m holding out that Fabio will kick some ass with Angra, and Luca’s solo stuff has been mostly solid. No Luca, no Rhapsody!
    At least this vid isn’t as lo budget as this other power metal classic:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THcwF7H7xBU

    • Scrimm

      Crapsody. That’s good dude. I’ll add it to my list of bands with crap added into their name(Craptopsy, Whitecrapel, Psycraptic…)

    • In case you don’t know spanish, don’t learn, unless you want to have this song ruined for you

      • Exactly. It’s as corny as the song implies. My Colombine gf made me listen to their song ‘Amante Mujer’ over and over, and trust me, if I wasn’t getting some sweet sweet cuca out of the whole deal, I would’ve stormed out of the room and called the whole thing off!

  • Cock ov Steele

    Proof that Michael Bay should direct music videos sometimes.

  • Guacamole Jim

    That video should be considered NSFW not because of bewbs, but because anyone who sees you watching it should ban your ass from whatever it was you were doing on the spot. Holy hell that was terrible. Is this like a manual on what never to do in a music video?

  • Jöhnny Crünch™

    Dude in the middle looks like Weird Al