Review – Starbucks – Unicorn Frappucino

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I had a dream that a day would come when heaven and hell would be united as one for all eternity. Did my dream come true with Starbucks’s new Unicorn Frappucino?

The air was crisp after days of rain. It reminded me of autumn. I stopped on my way to the door as I asked myself, “Could the weather itself be more perfect than the perfect season for consuming gourmet coffee based beverages?” I chuckled quietly and zipped up my Blind Guardian onesie and clutched my Yoko body pillow as I took the final steps to the entrance to paradise. My sweaty palms had trouble grasping the door handle, but after two tries I managed to tighten my grip enough to yank it open. The aroma of the finest and most exotic, freshly cut coffee beans wafted into my nostrils, and my heart began racing at a pace it had nearly forgotten. The emissaries of the gods of taste greeted me on sight. “Welcome to Starbucks!”

At this point, my heart was beating too fast. My vision began blurring, and I knew I had only moments to make it to a chair before my heaving body would crack the earth below me with its girth. Stumbling clumsily, I managed to take a few steps in the direction of a stool before losing control of my legs. I twisted and fell, the chair taking my rotund form and skidding across the floor with an unholy screech. It lurched backward violently, and the ceiling came into view as hope died in my soul. After a loud thud and a sneeze like a grunt forced itself from my throat, the world darkened.

When I came to, a blurry figure hovered over me. “Fabio, is that you? Have you come to take me to Italy?” The image sharpened, and revealed itself to be a strikingly beautiful young woman, now looking quite confused. Warmness filled my body, and as I began to sit up, I determined that this absolutely was the woman of my dreams. I decided to get on one knee and take the fine lady’s hand. “M’lady, it would be my honor if I would be allowed the privilege to court you, love you, and protect you, even until death.” I planted my finest kiss on her hand, but despite my chivalry and honor, she snatched it away from me before I could remove my lips.

“You freak, what the hell is wrong with you?”

I should have seen it the second I saw how pretty she was. Like every pretty girl I had ever seen and asked to date me, girls this pretty are too good for nice guys like me. “I was so nice to you, and this is how you repay me? I deserve a chance to be with you after how nice I’ve been. Don’t come crawling to me when you realize you’ve friend-zoned every nice, chivalrous guy around you and you get stuck with some jerk who has reasonable hobbies, a decent career with room for advancement, and good hygiene!”

I stormed away, but before I could reach the door, I remembered my true objective. My resolve was iron, and I would have my prize. I pivoted on one foot, other leg outstretched and rotating clockwise towards the counter, and marched toward the uncomfortable looking barista. Of course it was another pretty girl. I thought to myself, “I can’t wait to tell all the guys on r/Incel about how terrible the matriarchy treated me today. Fucking PC SJWs.” As she began to open her mouth to speak, I decided to strike first.

“May I t-”

“I’LL HAVE ONE UNICORN FRAPPUCINO, VENDATI!” I glowered my most intimidating stare directly at her, which I’d honed in hours of roleplaying sessions as a half-orc barbarian named Yapcha.

“We don’t have those.”

My anger rushed out of me like steam in the form of a shrill, high pitched shriek. I didn’t break eye contact with the barista once.

“IMPOSSIBLE! IT HASN’T EVEN BEEN A WEEK!”

“It was only a four-day promotion; we ran out on Sunday. Better luck next time.”

The barista walked away from the counter. Hate and anger poured out of my body as I slammed both fists against the counter. How could I have missed this?! In my state, I did not notice the drops of sweat and tears dripping faster and faster from my face and pooling onto the counter. After years of happily supporting Starbucks, THIS is how they treat me!? I closed my fists, rose, walked as calmly as I could manage to the door, and left.

I don’t know how many hours I spent crying in the parking lot. After years of never missing a seasonal Starbucks drink, how could I fail now? My entire life was for nothing if I could not be an expert on this one topic. I had read reviews that all agreed: “The Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino tastes like total ass.” Despite the overwhelming consensus, I could not trust filthy normies to correctly assess the actual flavors possessed by this most mystical of all Starbucks drinks. Surely something as magnificently power metal as a UNICORN FLAVORED DRINK could not have a taste so vile and wretched! Sadly, I will never know, and the world will never know what this Starbucks expert thinks of it.

I give the Unicorn Frappuccino a 0/5

Fuck you Starbucks

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  • Brutalist_Receptacle

    Ingredients: Ice, Milk, Crème Frappuccino Syrup [Water, Sugar, Salt, Natural And Artificial Flavor, Xanthan Gum, Potassium Sorbate, Citric Acid], Whipped Cream [Cream (Cream, Mono And Diglycerides, Carageenan), Vanilla Syrup (Sugar, Water, Natural Flavors, Potassium Sorbate, Citric Acid)], Mango Syrup [Sugar, Water, Mango Juice Concentrate, Natural Flavor, Passion Fruit Juice Concentrate, Citric Acid, Potassium Sorbate, Turmeric, Gum Arabic], Blue Drizzle [White Chocolate Mocha Sauce (Sugar, Condensed Skim Milk, Coconut Oil, Cocoa Butter, Natural Flavor, Salt, Potassium Sorbate, Monoglycerides), Classic Syrup (Sugar, Water, Natural Flavors, Potassium Sorbate, Citric Acid), Sour Blue Powder (Citric Acid, Color [Spirulina, Water, Sugar, Maltodextrin, Citric Acid])], Pink Powder [Dextrose, Fruit And Vegetable Color (Apple, Cherry, Radish, Sweet Potato)], Sour Blue Powder [Citric Acid, Color (Spirulina, Water, Sugar, Maltodextrin, Citric Acid)].

    MMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmm. Spirulina.

  • Brutalist_Receptacle

    Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Spirulina.

  • Wet W’s Whistle

    I’ve got a whole load of puke gifs if anyone wants ’em.

  • D. Lee

    Rotund

  • KJM, Drug Honkey

    IOW, it tastes like any other cup of coffee.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      YOU TAKE THAT BACK

  • I am going to get fired thanks to this degenerate header image.

    It totally worth it.

    Great job, Noble Warrior, I spent a lot of chuckles with this one.

  • KJM, Drug Honkey

    O Mein Gott, have any of y’all heard about this Fyre Festival thing? Any description I give will not do this train wreck justice, makes Woodstock 1999 look like Woodstock 1969. Just read, trust me.
    https://twitter.com/Iron_Spike/status/857868428752953344

    • KJM, Drug Honkey
      • Whether igloo, hut, or lean-to,
        Or a geodesic dome,
        There’s no structure I have been to
        Which I’d rather call my home.

        • KJM, Drug Honkey

          Especially when your “eco-friendly geodesic dome” turns out to be a leftover disaster tent from USAid.

        • JWG79

          Who needs the Kwik e Mart?

          “I dooo”

    • Depechemodeisgangsta

      WOW that was ridiculous, but they should have know better, if Ja Rule is one of the “Main Performers” that something shady was going on, unless it was the year 2000-2002.
      Also their website doesn’t even works anymore, they went ahead and block it.
      I just saw their so call Line up, and if people were smarter they would have know, that a lot of those artist are going to be performing in the Miami- West Palm Beach area in May, and probably cheaper, since the WPB show, you can get tickets for $50.00 per day show.

      • KJM, Drug Honkey

        Basically these rich kids are getting a taste of how the so-called “Third World” lives complete with an ultra violent police force.

        • the instagram models will save them

          • KJM, Drug Honkey

            THEY’LL TELL US WHAT TO DO

    • CyberneticOrganism

      More like FAIL FEST

      (nailed it)

    • Butts4Gutts
  • Howard Dean
  • Señor Jefe El Rossover

    Filthy degenerate.

  • nbm02ss
  • JWG79

    Aside: there are only two Starbucks in Hamilton, excluding the kiosk at Mohawk College that seemed never to be open.

    If it weren’t for the Tims literally everywhere I’d not have got my usual caffeine buzz on…

    • tigeraid

      Starbucks and Timmies are both pretty shit, but I’ll take Timmies dark roast all day long over pretty much anything Starbucks sells. And it’s half the price.

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    thanks for the NSFW warning

  • CyberneticOrganism
  • Joe is on vacation, I wanted to ruin his site while he was gone

  • tigeraid

    Thankfully, a Gloryhammer track offset that trainwreck of a header image.

    • what’s wrong with my ass

      • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

        It’s attached into your body.

  • Grvm Spectre ov Derth

    Why do people do this to coffee? Why??? You forsake the name of Ol’ Blackie.

    • i drink black coffee every day let me have this

      • Grvm Spectre ov Derth

        I’m referring to whatever food scientist created this for Starbucks.

  • Hubert

    I wanted to try Starbucks once but they stopped me at the front door because of the whole goat thing… I’m assuming I’m not missing much.

    • ME GORAK™✓ᶜᵃᵛᵉᵐᵃⁿ

      STARBUCKS OVERROAST BEANS & MAKE U ORDER WITH FUNNY WORDS INSTEAD OV SIZES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • Joaquin Stick

        I never remember which is which on the rare occasion I visit a ‘Bucks. I usually just say “the middle one” out of spite.

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        Gorak hit nail on head…

    • CyberneticOrganism
    • GoatForest

      That happened to me too.

  • GoatForest

    The first paragraph reminded me of the line:
    “Through the crust, penetrate
    Swarm ye as insects into the all-mind
    And inspire its sun to shine upon a day,
    when God and Judas are united… and together crucified”
    – Funeral Mist
    “Across the Qliphoth”

  • tigeraid

    I thought “man, Randall surely speaks in hyperbole” at his frustration at missing this concoction. But then I think “how would either of us react if Pumpkin Spice Lattes only lasted four days?”

    I would burn every last coffee house to the ground.

    • You understand me

      • Simon PhoenixKing Rising

        The both of you are so basic.

  • i didn’t know it was possible to have more respect for this blog after the review of Toilet Beer. it’s my favorite beverage review site.

  • Eliza

    And this why Starbucks isn’t worth it.

  • Hans Copronym

    Knew it was you soon as I saw dat galactic booty <3

  • Maik Beninton™
    • is this the guy who says “no-no” to delicious controlled substances?

  • Maik Beninton™
  • Simon PhoenixKing Rising

    This is why I stick with that Almond Milk Macchiato thing they currently have. If I have to be a bloody hipster, may as well get some flavorful cinnamon with my hipsterness.

    • GoatForest

      I just like the mocha Frappuccino. “Yes, I’d like some caffeine in my milkshake. “

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    I hope I’m not the only one that stared at that butt for an uncomfortably long time.

  • Sir Ukkometso The Based

    I’m glad Finland has no starbucks

    • GoatForest

      That’s a shame. They’re really quite tasty.

  • Back Jauer

    Jesus Christ

  • Waynecro

    This was hilarious, dude. I hope that someone animates this adventure one day, because I was watching it as a cartoon in my head while I read it.

  • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

    DAT ASS