Review: Serious Beak – Ankaa


Seriousus beakii (Common name: Serious Beak) is a species of terrestrial bird endemic to the eastern coast of Australia. The species is of great interest to current studies due to a certain number of unique features. The extent of current knowledge is included below with more information to be released alongside an unveiling of only the second piece of fossil evidence on record.

Domain: Eukaryota
Kingdom: Animalia
Phylum: Chordata
Class: Aves
Order: Experimenta
Family: Metalia
Genus: Seriousus
Species: beakii

Status: Extant

Temporal Range: Anthropocene. Earliest fossil evidence dated back to 2010.

– Holotype confirmed in 2011, colloquially dubbed Huxwhukw. Formed from the amalgamation of 10 separate pieces into one complete skeleton.

– Paratype recently located, dubbed Ankaa. Comprised of 4 larger pieces, the complete skeleton is expected to be unveiled to the public on November 3rd.

Phylogeny: While the exact evolutionary history of S. beakii is unclear, evidence suggests that the species recently emerged from the well-documented enormous radiation event of the Experimenta genre during the mid-2000’s. Due to the prevalence of hybridisation and the subsequent rapid rate of diversification of associated species during this time, consensus on a cladogram is yet to be established. Recent advances in DNA & RNA sequencing have revealed commonality with Botch americana, Meshuggah communis, Animalsas leadera, the critically endangered Mastodon metallum and one of the well recognised basal species of Experimenta, the King crimsona.


Distribution: S. beakii is located almost exclusively in the Sydney basin on the Eastern coast of Australia. Known to fly small distances to source food and in search of potential mates. Thought to be adaptable to a wide-range of climates, the versatility of S. beakii would almost certainly lead to it becoming a noxious class capable of displacing large quantities of native species should it be introduced to those areas.

caitlin-at-work dc4be3bca3b3e83818bc494f7fa705ed

Morphology: The physical appearance of S. beakii is unique in that while the species does possess a backbone, the body shape is somewhat amorphous. The general population is usually lean and spritely but some individuals are heavier-set and have been known to cause researchers difficulty in identification. Perhaps the most defining feature of the species is the absence of vocal chords. The plumage is layered and contains an abundant variety of vibrant and iridescent colours. As the name suggests, the trait which caught the eye of those who first described the species was the beak, and it remains prominent compared to relatives. The most accurate morphological drawings have been completed by artist Caitlin Hackett.

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Behaviour: The aforementioned lack of vocal chords surprisingly does not inhibit the species’ ability to create sounds. During infancy S. beakii is usually quiet, which is atypical for the taxa, but as individuals reach maturity a variety of intriguing sounds are created. Some mating calls are known to extend for over 10 minutes, with the calls progressing and evolving throughout the ritual. The tempo of the calls is spasmodic and could seem to be completely erratic to the casual observer. Upon further listens, a complex series of patterns emerges indicating that the species has a high level of cognitive function. The most recent recording of one of these rare instances will be posted below.

Ankaa will be released through Art As Catharsis Records on November 3rd.



3.5/5 flaming Toilets ov Hell.

(Image via, via, via, via)

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  • KJM, Shake Zula

    Much serious, very beak. Wow.

  • Vote for Jeb

    This was a great review. Very clever.

    • Lacertilian

      Thanks Pres, I was kinda inspired by your killer non-traditional reviews like the Case Listings. Those things rule.

  • Wow, this is serious stuff! Impressive review and I’m listening this with ears wide open.

  • Lizard reviews are the best reviews. About to get serious with this beak now.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Seriously cool artwork. Very cool sounds.

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      I don’t know, that looks like a reluctant thumbs up.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        I haven’t had my coffee is all

        • Guacamole Jim

          I thought it was for dramatic effect. I know so little about the ways of robots.

        • Vote for Jeb


        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain
          • CyberneticOrganism
          • We play this song about 6 or more times live just to fuck with people.

          • Jar of Flies >>>>>> All other Alice In Chains releases.

            Just my opinion though… Man.


          • KJM, Shake Zula

            I enjoy Dirt and Self Titled. I also like the Unplugged disc as well. I think AIC and Neil Young overall did the best MTV Unplugged shows. YMMV.

          • Jar of Flies has just always been my favorite. There is something darker and more emotive about this release.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            It is a good release but I honestly can’t stand No Excuses and I Stay Away. But Rotten Apple and Nutshell, god damn. So good.

          • No Excuses has always been the weaker track on that album in my opinion. Plus, it’s way overplayed.

          • Herr Schmitty

            I Stay Away I’m with you on, but No Excuses is excellent to me.

          • KJM, Shake Zula

            I like Unplugged No Excuses but I can live without the studio version.

          • I’m gonna have to go ahead and sort of disagree with ya there because Dirt. (Missing Bill Lumbergh photo)

  • Guacamole Jim

    I’m really digging these tunes; very cool stuff. Almost as good as this review, which was fucking awesome. The Case Files now have a contender for favourite review format.

    • Lacertilian

      Your first sentence was spot on, the other two I’m on the fence about.

  • Stockhausen

    This review is top men, this band really seriouses my beak. Great plumage and sounds from that bird.

  • Hubert

    This review and band beaks me seriously

  • I was about to mention Caitlin Hackett in the comments before I read the whole thing >.<
    You guys should follow her twitter, she always posts awesome shit. Digging these tunes, thanks for the write-up, lizardbro.

  • Boss the Ross

    This was an entertaining read to say the least, not only well written, but now i have a new band to check out and an artist to adore.

    Lacertilian, you have out done yourself sir.

  • Herr Schmitty

    This review format is absolutely amazing, the world needs more Australian ornithology-themed reviews!

  • Eliza

    The author put a lot of effort in this review and the result is very enjoyable and unique. The band’s sound is great too.

  • EsusMoose

    Artwork is sick

  • Dagon

    See, there are a lot of good metal blogs, but this shit right here is what makes TovH exciting to read.

    The quality of this blog has been consistently high (and increasing) for a while now. Everyone seems to be on their A game. Beautiful mind, lizard.

    • Lacertilian

      Oh, I’ve got lots of dusty biology and ecology textbooks in a box that you can have if you find this shit exciting.

    • you ever go back and read old articles that we’ve written? there’s a big leap in quality, that’s for sure. but it’s always had that grassroots charm

      • Based Potoo

        I know you do. Old ass articles keep popping up on my recomended feed.

      • Dagon

        I do that every now and then, mostly to go and listen to stuff I forgot to. C-Mole’s post on dinosaur metal still lives in my heart.

        • what happened to ole’ C-Mole? did he get tired of conventional music altogether? did he enter the internet ala lawnmower man?

  • This is fantastic, Lizzzzzzard; you have outdone yourself.

  • Lachlan R. Dale

    Thank you for the lovely, thoughtful review mate, we really appreciate it =)