Review: Hilary Duff – Breathe In. Breathe Out.

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Toilet ov Metal, you say? Well today I present to you the following: Taylor Swift, Charli XCX, and for fun’s sake Nicki Minaj. Take a few minutes out ov your daily regiment of stuffing nerds into lockers to read my review of Hilary Duff‘s Breathe In. Breathe Out. Does one of my most highly-anticipated releases of 2015 make my top 10 of the year? Let’s find out!

The wait has been way too long since Hilary Duff released her last, stellar pop album entitled Dignity (3.21.2007), which to me is a five-star pop album and one that I still listen to when I need a break from metal. Some of you might not be too familiar with her previous work so I have chosen to quote a review of Dignity from a random Amazon customer (for privacy sake, let’s call him “Dustin F.”… no that’s too obvious, let’s say “D. French”):

Disclaimer: I like death metal. I listen to Cannibal Corpse, Immolation, Dying Fetus, Origin, etc. I don’t like pop, I don’t like rap, I don’t like EDM…
But this album is terrific! If a death metal fan can enjoy this, she MUST be doing something correctly. There are so many infectious pop/dance tunes on this album, I’ve almost burned through the disc by repeated listens. There are a few stinkers; but that comes with every album.
I’m not going to do a track-by-track review, but I beg you to give this album a spin (no matter what your musical inclination may be)! Some of my friends have overheard snippets of this when I’ve been playing it, and have quite enjoyed it too. Simply put, there are many talented and brilliant pop artists out there; it’s just that most don’t get the spotlight that they deserve. I can’t wait for the next Hilary Duff album, and I can’t wait for her to ditch that “husband” and notice me… (it’s worth noting that she throws away a lot of interesting stuff!)

Since that album she has been through a few life changes (marriage, first kid, divorce) which more than likely led to the delay of her next full-length album. But before I delve into the meat of the review, let’s examine three singles that Hilary had released prior to the Breathe In. Breathe Out.

1.  Chasing the Sun

2.  All About You

3.  Sparks

The order of greatness coincides with the date of release, for “Chasing the Sun” is a good summer tune that reminds the listener that our pop savior Hilary is not at all gone. “All About You” provides us all with a supreme hybrid of modern country music and sing-song pop that withstands the test of multiple listens (killer dancing included, WATCH IT). The third song “Sparks” IS THE BEST SONG OF 2015, regardless of genre, no flushes given. Here we sit with three really good songs in the bank; surely Breathe In. Breathe Out. will be a success, right? Let’s move on.


Setting: a dark, rainy day in St. Louis, Missouri
Date: June 16, 2015
Album: Breathe In. Breathe Out by Hilary Duff

Kicking off the album, “Sparks” (a song which I have listened to at least 100 times already) is just as spectacular as its video. We’re off to a great start! Next track, “My Kind”… Ugh, is my instant reaction. This song is not good, the beats are simply okay and the chorus tries too hard to be “Firework” by Katy Perry or “Starships” by Nicki Minaj. Why would this interest me when other artists have done something like this but much better? The disappointment is palpable, but I’m such a huge fucking fan of Hilary Duff that one song won’t lead me astray.

Next track, “One in a Million” contains a catchy and danceable beat, yet eventually plummets into a fist-pumping chorus reminiscent of a modern, watered down U2 song. It’s almost a clone of the track which preceded it! Can things improve? Gosh I sure hope so. But no, they don’t. “Confetti”? Flush. “Breathe In. Breathe Out”? Though it contains some serious Taylor Swift influence, it ends up being another flush. “Lies” is a terrible tune with jungle-inspired percussion ala Katy Perry’s “Roar”, so skip it. “Arms Around a Memory”, though Daft Punk-inspired, is ultimately flushable. “Stay In Love”, while a very good song, isn’t embed-worthy. It’s not until track 11 that we FINALLY come across a pop number that perfectly demonstrates Hilary’s limited, yet beautiful, vocal abilities. “Picture This” is the only song that matches the spectacularosity of “Sparks”, and so I deign to embed it:

I just love the whistling over the simple, acoustic guitar licks. Follow that with upbeat clapping over the main chorus, laid over what is possibly the best vocal performance of her entire career. Include marching-band drums atop light dance beats and you’ve got yourself a toe-tapping pop masterpiece. So there are two good songs on this album.

Most of the songs on the record follow a similar, aging formula. We are graced with two wonderful songs and one pretty good one, “Stay In Love”, so maybe it would have been better for her to package those three songs with “All About You” to make the most perfect pop EP of the year. It’s not a horrible album; many of the songs contain a certain degree of catchiness, but overall it is no way a worthy follow-up to Dignity. Therefore it is with a sad heart that I award Breathe In. Breathe Out. the following rating:

FLUSH

(image via)

  • JJM PLZ!

    GL

    • did you at least try the “mute method” about which others have spoken? 😉

      • Kevin Nash & Friends

        No. I do admit that she is pretty though.

        • Sparks rules. give it a shot, you minivan. you may punch me if you hate it.

          • Kevin Nash & Friends

            I will when I’m done listening to Santana.

          • Santana? that guy’s a joke. i don’t see him playing tech death

          • Kevin Nash & Friends

            Jimmy plz! Santana has so much more emotion in his playing than all the tech death guitar people! Also, I’m not enjoying this as much as you but at least it’s catchy.

  • Kevin Nash & Friends

    Jimmy plz! Hillary Duff is a shitty pop artist!

    • i’m not above shitty pop artists.

      • Kevin Nash & Friends

        I’m usually pretty open minded but when it comes to current music I’m not very open minded. I do enjoy the shitty mallcore of the 2000’s and I even enjoy some mallcore of the current day. I don’t enjoy any current pop besides Rihanna and Lana Del Rey.

        • your loss!

          • Kevin Nash & Friends

            It is a loss but I do enjoy cheesy pop from the 80s and 70s though.

          • like say……… Phil Collins era Genesis?

          • Kevin Nash & Friends

            That and even cheesier stuff.

          • more beer

            Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Bozamole Jim

    Sparks is insanely catchy. Also, I have a thing for girls with blue hair.

    http://cdn1.loxabeauty.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/katy-perry.jpg

  • Bitter (Tyree) Debra

    “let there come the rain

    And may it wash away the scum,
    the cunts, the dogs, the filth, the shit,
    the whores, the junk, the trash, the
    worms, the freaks, the rot, the
    plague, the grime, the smut, the
    waste, the pigs, the slime, the mud,
    the vermin of every shape and size.

    Higher, higher
    Hoist the banners of shame”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Ldc343hdg0

    • That reminds me, need to get some mgla in my library

      • Bitter (Tyree) Debra

        Yes you do.

    • Stanley

      “No golden thrones to follow
      No shrines of solace to be found
      And only the locusts shall sing at the end of the day”

    • Stanley

      Mgla has some of best lyrics in Black Metal.

      III
      “From the midst of cold ash comes the voice of the living god
      Further down to the roots of withered pillars
      Through the scorched ground
      And you shall know perdition
      And it will set you free”

      IV
      “Never surrender
      Never retreat
      In this the weapons are our very lives
      Fuck hope and godspeed”

      • Bitter (Tyree) Debra

        They really do.

        • Stanley

          No cheese. Just pure misanthropy.

          I already listen to Mgla a lot but every time somebody posts a link, I have to stop whatever I’m listening to to play it.

          • Bitter (Tyree) Debra

            Haha, yeah. When all else fails… Mgla it is.

    • Malted Hate

      I think I’ve heard one song from this guys a few years ago, but didn’t pay much attention… It’s one of those bands a “know” about but never cared to check properly… Loved this song. Must check out a full album.
      Whats the best one to start with?

      • Bitter (Tyree) Debra

        With Hearts Towards None is my favorite and most everyone else’s I think, but they are all good really.

  • She’s pretty but I can’t be asked to push play on any of it because listening to DLR-era Van Halen a/k/a The Greatest Party Music Ever Recorded.

  • Void Dweller
    • Bitter (Tyree) Debra

      30 years. Hail!

    • Stanley

      Great record but I prefer Beyond The Gates. It’s up there with the best sophomore records of all time. And then this masterpiece.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Toor_wrbN5U

      • more beer

        I saw them tour for this album.

      • Void Dweller

        All three of Possessed’s releases are great, but Beyond the Gates production is just bad, compared to Seven Churches.

        • Kevin Nash & Friends

          I always preferred Seven Churches.

  • If I owned a picture of shit squirting from a diseased anus that was safe for work, I’d post it. That would sum up about 1/1000 of my hatred for Hilary Duff.

  • Hilary Duff is the Go-Bots of pop stars.

    • EsusMoose

      Had to google go-bots, you nerd

      • You’re like 12. Get off my lawn.

      • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

        Giddamnit, even I remember the go-bots.

        • Guppusmaximus

          I’d take the Go-Bots over 99% of the shit they call cartoons nowadays. *pushes walker back to bedroom for an afternoon nap*

          • Guppusmaximus

            *Fuck* I’d listen to the Go-Bots theme a million times before I’d ever entertain current mainstream “Pop”
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qElJUllRv5c

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

            Fun fact. The Go-Bots were bought by Hasbro and retconned into the Transformers universe.

          • Guppusmaximus

            You’re correct. That was in 1991 which was long after I stopped caring for either

            Edit: Let me rephrase that… By that time, I found The Guyver.

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

            My best friend growing up was SUPER into Transformers. I know a lot more about that universe than I would otherwise because of him.

          • Kevin Nash & Friends

            I still love Transformers. I haven’t watched Go-Bots but I will give it a viewing.

          • Suck Me While I Poo

            The second live action version of The Guyver is SO FUCKING AWESOME!!! Skip the first one though.

          • Guppusmaximus

            A second live action Guyver flick?! I hope it’s better than that first mess. When that is the only time you’ve seen Mark Hamill act other then Star Wars, it’s rather depressing.

          • Suck Me While I Poo

            Way waaaaaaaay better than the first.

          • Guppusmaximus

            Just goes to show how easy something could have slipped under the radar back in 1994 without the intertubes especially after having watched that first one. However, I was never a live action fan when it came to Anime. The Guyver was much better animated but I’ll have to check it out.

          • Suck Me While I Poo

            I can’t really think of many live action animes that I’ve liked. Death Note was one of them, but can’t think of any others off the top of my head.

          • The Fish Boz

            Suggestion: watch Archer and BoJack Horseman.

          • KJM

            Venture Bros season 6 was supposed to start in January, now they’re saying next year. -___-

          • BoJack Horseman seriously bummed me out.

          • The Fish Boz

            Why?

          • Suck Me While I Poo

            Same here! I miss the good old days of waking up in my pajamas, grabbing a bowl of cereal, and watching cartoons back when they were worth a fuck.

      • Bitter (Tyree) Debra

        Tickle me Elmo. Yes please.

      • Perfect example of pop star who is easy to look at but excruciating to listen to.

        • Disagree, I really like her voice.

          • I’m sure she can sing her ass off…but I can’t tell because of the obnoxious played-out autotune-effect on every song I’ve heard.

          • Yea well….I’m sure that the bears have a ton of talent, but I can’t tell because of Jay Cutler. …..fuck

          • Suck Me While I Poo

            The Bears haven’t had talent since The Super Bowl Shuffle. Still gotta root for my hometown team, as badly as I know they’re gonna lose.

        • EsusMoose

          Protip: Mute volume

      • Suck Me While I Poo
    • KJM

      +1 for Go-Bots

    • Phoenix of the House Tendies

      Two things.

      1) Mandy Moore is actually the Go-Bots of pop stars. I still love her dearly though.

      2) The original incarnation of Go-Bots is far better than the crap we ‘muricans ended up getting.

      https://youtu.be/xl4IqLfzHwg

    • Suck Me While I Poo

      And Taylor Swift is the Street Sharks of pop stars.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-JfI0F03eIs

  • She doesn’t even look like the Hillary duff I remember

  • EsusMoose

    How’d someone get tangle that pathetically in mic cables?

  • Bitter (Tyree) Debra

    Hi Lary Duff (Man)……..

  • I-I don’t why I’m still here.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vzVDt1xYFsM

  • CyberneticOrganism
    • JW(E)G
      • Suck Me While I Poo

        Her new song isn’t bad at all. Has a sorta dreampop feel to it.

        Between liking that and ‘Sparks’, I can officially kiss all my Good Boy Points goodbye!

      • Celtic Frosty

        I’m saying this with all sincerity. I’ve heard this entire album about 100 times (it’s not out yet, but I have my ways), and it’s hands down the best album of 2015 – any genre. Call Me Maybe is a piece of shit compared to the stuff on this album.

        • JW(E)G

          That first single was obviously the required CMM follow-up, but certainly higher quality. I’ve been pretty much floored by how much better All That, Emotion, and Run Away With Me are even by comparison, though.
          This will be on my AOTY list, and I won’t even be ashamed to admit it.

    • I want this as a poster.

    • Suck Me While I Poo

      I actually like it!

  • Guppusmaximus

    No offense Jimmy, but, I think I’ll stick to this when not listening to Metal

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LWhFsHG2WnU

  • I’m going to a wedding Sunday and I’ll bet the bride and groom’s total wedding money that “Sparks” is in the playlist.

    • Well… Here we have a lot of reggaeton, I don’t know, I think reggaeton is worse.

      • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

        DALE

      • I’ve heard enough it to know that ear drums should not be subjected to it. 90% of the songs they will play at the wedding will be trash anyway. That’s the booze is for – to try and forget the awful music being played.

        • OldMetalHead

          Fucking chicken dance 😛

          • And the Macarena, hopefully I will be spared from that bullshit.

        • Suck Me While I Poo

          And you know like hell that “It Takes Two To Make It Right” will be on their playlist. Nothing brings out lame white dancing quite like that redundant aural diarrhea.

      • Suck Me While I Poo

        Reggaeton is worse than ANYTHING. But at least the chicks in the videos are hot.

  • Mother Shabubu 4

    No flush.

    I’d leave it to fester. Let it baste in the mélange of chemicals, shit, and piss at the bottom of a port-a-john. Let it bake in the raunch as harsh sun rays christen the roof of said port-a-john. May an ill fed construction worker purge a runny, feculent discharge that litters the face of this album further until it dissolves in this cesspool of human waste.

    • Bozamole Jim

      Well, I’m hard

    • CyberneticOrganism

      *puts cherry bomb in there*

  • nbm02ss

    I watched the video all the way through, but I muted it about 30 seconds in.

  • Scrimm

    Knew as soon as I saw the headline this was Mcnulty’s doing.

  • Malted Hate

    You salty dog.

  • KJM

    I would suggest checking this out. #ToiletOfDoomStonerSludge

    https://kniferitual.bandcamp.com/album/old-earth

  • JamesGrimm

    ttteeaahhhh….saw this comin after the Locust thing…

  • OldMetalHead

    Why the fuck would you dye your hair grey. Shit turns grey on its own anyway and makes you look old.

    • if i had to guess………………… HAWT

      • OldMetalHead

        If you say so Brother. I think she would look way hotter with her natural hair color. Kind of looks like my grandmother with smooth skin.

      • Lacertilinger

        Reported

    • Kevin Nash & Friends

      I was wondering the same thing. I just wish her music was better. Oh well, at least I’m listening to Santana now. His worst album Beyond Appearances is still very good though and even his late 70’s AOR stuff with Inner Secrets and Marathon is leagues ahead of a lot of the other AOR artists from that era.

      • hey i flushed the new album, you snowcrab! her 2007 album was WAY better. case in point:
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MyShkaAwbR8

        • Kevin Nash & Friends

          I don’t want to admit this but I used to listen to her music when I was little. I also listened to Good Charlotte and other stuff I still like. Her music hasn’t held up in my opinion

        • Le Tapir The Based

          Even if it’s better it’s still pure shitty shit.

      • OldMetalHead

        Love me some Santana!

      • KJM

        Caravanserai and Love Devotion Surrender are his best.

        • Kevin Nash & Friends

          I myself like the first 3 and Borboletta a lot more than Love Devotion Surrender.

          • KJM

            Jon McLaughlin. That is all.

          • Kevin Nash & Friends

            He is amazing. I consider that more of a solo album of Carlos though.

          • KJM

            It’s all Santana to me.

          • Kevin Nash & Friends

            I’m just excited for the reunion album Santana IV which will hopefully be out by the end of the year. It has all the classic members except the bassist David Brown who died in 2000.

    • more beer

      Or it falls out. either way it`s the same thing.

      • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

        Since I’m already bald, I’m curious to see how early my beard will grey.

        • OldMetalHead

          If it’s anything like mine, unevenly 😉

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

            Mine already comes in in multiple shades between blonde and black.

        • more beer

          As am I. I get my beard to a certain point and it drives me nuts it gets to itchy. So I end up taking the clippers to it. The one thing that gets me is people see I`m bald. If they stay at my house they ask if I have a comb or a brush. Why would I even own one I certainly can`t use it.

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

            Haha, it probably looks weird when I buy shampoo or conditioner for my wife.

          • more beer

            I`ll bet it does.

    • Suck Me While I Poo

      I love the silver hair, actually. Kinda gives her a futuristic silver fox look.

  • CT-12

    Not trying to be a dick McNulty, but I just can’t do this. Either way, I’m glad we have you here to add an opinion to music that goes against the norm for what’s posted here. Articles like this is what I originally and still do love about this site.

  • JW(E)G

    Toilet ov Pop plus Google’s Deep Dreaming madness =

    http://d11cbnttr0b724.cloudfront.net/img_dreamed/403544.jpg

  • Suck Me While I Poo

    That ‘Sparks’ song isn’t bad at all, actually. I’d definitely disagree that it tries to sound like ‘Fireworks’. If anything, the chorus sounds EXACTLY like:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_KK9G6a4NXQ

    PS, goddamn is she hot nowadays! I’d happily invite her over for a night of Chili Rainbows and Sneaky Castros!

  • Master E… So Vindictive
    • KJM

      Doggie!!

  • Óðinn
  • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

    so you dont like it? wait whats going on here…

  • Congrats, an actual SHIT post.

    *******FLUSH*******

    ***************DOUBLE FLUSH****************