REVIEW: DOOOOOOOOOM

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Hey guys whats up? Go play this game now. Every second you waste is a second that could be utilized pulverizing demons. Cmon, chop chop. That’s it. Bye.

What? You want an actual review? Heck, fine.

“Wow look at that gorgeous view! Oh shit a demon is attacking! OK, got him, but he almost killed me. Better chainsaw that slightly larger demon so I can get some more health. Oh, fuck a much much larger demon and I wasted my chainsaw on that other guy! Guess I’ll just have to BUST OUT MY ROCKET LAUNCHER. HA! DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING DID YOU DEMONBRO!?? *celebratory jumping* *blown up for not paying attention while celebratory jumping* Fuck.”

This is more or less my internal thought process while playing DOOM. There are enemies everywhere just chomping at the bit to rip you to meaty pieces. I don’t know the names of any of the enemies (cause why waste time learning their names when I’m just gonna obliterate their intestines anyway?), thus, all demons will be referred to as some variation of demonbro for this review. If that sounds chaotic, good. This game is pure fucking unadulterated chaos and it wastes no time letting you know it. I love it. I mean seriously, this is how the game starts. How cool is this???!!!:

The story in this game is basically that you’re mad because humans didn’t learn from the last few times they messed with hell energy and released demonbros. So naturally, they tried again and now the demonbros are invading in full force again and the humans on Mars wake you up from your dreams of killing demons and basically say “Hey we fucked up, but it was necessary and now we need you to kill actual demons”. You then proceed to kill everything that moves for the rest of the game with bits of story scattered throughout. I’ll be honest, I lost track of the story after that. I think they were saying things in my ears, but I was too focused on the gameplay. Oh man, the gameplay is some of the best first person shooting since the original FEAR. Here, just look at this shit:

DOESN’T THAT MAKE YOU WANT TO PUNCH SOME DEMONS? MAN, WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS AND NOT PLAYING DOOM? WTF LIFELOVER.

With DOOM, the developers have managed to strike a perfect balance between retro nostalgia and modern gameplay elements. You still have health and armor pickups like all games had back before regenerating health became a thing, but at the same time you have upgrade tiers and minor RPG elements with how you upgrade your suit and weapons. Thankfully, none of that takes time away from slaughtering demon broskis. The upgrades take about 10 seconds and then it’s back to the absolute mayhem. There are also a lot of hidden collectables and secrets, the most impressive of which being that there are original doom levels hidden throughout various stages. Even more impressive, you can actually play through them, though the majority of your time spent in DOOM is gonna be looking down the barrel of your gun making demonbro soup all over the place.

Speaking of guns, the guns in this game are just plain awesome. Here’s a few of my favorites:

Shotgun – You get this early on, and and since it’s a shotgun it’s already got a good amount of badass points, but then you upgrade it later on and give it exploding rounds and it becomes that much more awesome.

Assault Rifle – It’s just an assault rifle with a pretty accurate scope. Well what the fuck Jack why are you listing it as a favorite? BECAUSE YOU CAN UPGRADE IT TO HAVE AN UNDER-BARREL MISSILE LAUNCHER THAT LAUNCHES 3 MISSILES THAT’S WHY. This is also the gun that makes you realize that the pistol you get at the start must have been some sort of sick joke, because it has no business being with the likes of this growing arsenal of destruction.

Rocket Launcher – It’s a fucking rocket launcher do I really have to explain this? Oh and you can upgrade it to lock on to three targets simultaneously or just remote detonate it. If you opt for remote detonation you probably like Nickelback too. Just saying.

Chainsaw – It’s a dang hecking chainsaw and you get to use it on enemies. I don’t even need to say anything else, but for review’s sake I will mention that demonbros who meet the chainsaw drop a metric fuckton of extra ammo. Ammo is an important ingredient in demonbro soup.

…Seriously, why are you still reading this and not playing the game? Don’t give me some bullshit about oh I have to work so I can provide for my family. Fuck all that, go fuck up some demons. Work will still be there later, probably.

BFG (Big Fucking Gun) – It’s a big fucking gun and it makes a big fucking explosion and a big fucking mess. It doesn’t need an upgrade because it is the ultimate upgrade.

We can’t forget the most important weapon of all, though. YOUR FISTS, THE FUCKING FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH MAN. I like that phrase, it’s a good thing nothing worthwhile or of value ever came up with it first. Anywhoo, punching things is really really really really satisfying, like that first time you drop a dump in a new apartment. Just don’t instantly melee things because that won’t go well for you. Actually, do that and record the results so I can laug- uh give you helpful hints. Real talk though, do enough damage to an enemy and they will start flashing like a demented krampus tree. This is your cue to bring the pain. Press that action button and enjoy takedowns that are so gruesome they make Gears of War blush. My personal favorite lets you oberyn enemies; it’s great. There’s another that lets you select a demonbro, borrow his arm and beat him to death with it! The great thing about these takedowns is that, while amazing, they’re also short and to the point and thus never end up bogging down the flow of gameplay. Of course they also make enemies drop more health and ammo than normal. Just like real life, yay!

There’s also a multiplayer mode with your standard game modes that I’m not really too impressed with, but it’s solid enough in its own right. Nothing special, but at the same time nothing worth docking points in a review for. Lastly, there’s the snap-map system which lets you build a surprising amount of things using assets from the game’s engine. I haven’t messed with it much myself, so rather than make a fool of myself trying to explain it, I’ll just let this video do the talking.

Should you spend your hard earned money on this game? Well, there’s a simple way to find out. Ask yourself these questions:

  1. Do you like guns?
  2. Do you like shooting these guns?
  3. Do you like blowing demonbros up and then basking in the gore?
  4. DO YOU LIKE METAL BECAUSE THIS IS THE MOST METAL GAME OF THE YEAR SO STOP ASKING GOOFY QUESTIONS AND GO WALLOP SOME DEMONBROS!

666 FLAMING TOILETS OF HELL.

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