Report: Black Metal Fans Most Easily Offended Demographic

Washington, D.C.- At a conference held on December 30th, 2015, The American Psychology Association Public Interest Directorate has announced that data in their recent studies have found a direct relationship between individual interest in the genre of black metal and vulnerability to taking personal offense to external stimuli*. The data also suggested that black metal fans are the most prone to excessively react to subjective media.

Data collected from peer-reviewed journals including Emotion, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Psychology of Violence, and Behavioral Neuroscience concluded that black metal fans are the most likely demographic to become personally offended in response to stimuli that questions their perceived reality, and the most likely to utilize defense mechanisms to combat external influences. The data have also found that this subject group responds with more emotionally unstable reactions than any other demographic that was studied. Other demographics included in the study were: Conservative Christians, Liberal cannabis activists, “bikers”, vegans, video game enthusiasts, and Donald Trump supporters.

Dr. Nagesh Dalal, clinical neuropsychologist and a representative of the APA’s Public Interest Directorate, expands on the APA’s findings, “Through extensive research of these demographics, both quantitative and qualitative, we have found significant evidence that fans of the musical genre ‘black metal’ most readily take personal offence to any stimuli that does not suit their perceived reality.”

Dr. Dalal continued, “A bizarre phenomenon that we found during our studies was that the subjects who listen to black metal music that contains lyrics or produces memorabilia horribly offensive to religious groups, women, and ethnic people ironically set-up the most extreme defenses in response to stimuli that suggests generalization of the black metal scene. Some subjects even compared this generalization to racism and genocide. Stimuli that suggested a paradox between the media they were consuming and the personal morals that they allegedly held was another especially touchy subject, even if the stimulus was in the form of a transparent, easily decipherable joke.”

In an exclusive press statement with Toilet Ov Hell, Dr. Dalal stated, “One of our participants left the study two hours in. A Lab Assistant had made a remark that black metal fans enjoy music videos filmed in forests because, ‘that’s the most bush they’re ever going to see.’ The participant stormed out after telling us that we are no better than racists. For a demographic so against political correctness and sensitivity, they really are a bunch of cry-babies.”   

Toilet Ov Hell correspondents were on the scene in Fort Wayne, Indiana, to get feedback on these findings with a local Black Metal enthusiast and musician. Our source wished to remain anonymous, but allowed the use of his stage name, “Azeroth The Malevolent”, which he dons when he does vocals and plays bass with his band, Algarad. “How typical. The ‘SJW’ Libtard media is lying to oppress our freedom of speech again. Black metal stands for true freedom of all of our rights.” Azeroth said about the peer-reviewed, politically-uninvolved studies, “Fuck anyone who oppresses freedom of speech,” the 28 year old musician and part-time Domino’s Pizza cook added as he lit a cigarette with his Schutzstaffel emblem engraved Zippo. “I’d like to meet this Dr. Nalal. If that fucking [ethnic slur] thinks true warriors of black metal are more sensitive than the rest of our pussified, PC world he’s as backwards as whatever country he’s from**. He should say that to my fucking face, I’ll bash that [homophobic slur] face in.” Sources confirm that as of press time, Azeroth was visibly shaking with rage and frustration.

Pictured: Azeroth, the

Pictured: Azeroth The Malevolent

Toilet Ov Hell correspondents also reached out to 25 year old Alex Smith, friend of Azeroth’s and next-door neighbour in their apartment complex. “Well, I wouldn’t really say we’re friends. Shit, he’s not here is he? Anyway, he sort of just comes over when he feels like it. It’s a real pain in the ass when I have friends over- especially women- I never know what the guy’s gonna say, you know? One time I had a girl over that I was really into, and she was wearing a Kvelertak shirt. Things were going great and we were really connecting, and guess who barges in totally uninvited?”

Alex let out a long sigh, massaging the bridge of his nose with his index finger and thumb, still lamenting the experience, “What a nightmare. He immediately sees her shirt and goes into a long diatribe about how ‘that band is what happens when hipster [homophobic slur] suckle on the teat of real black metal’. He then assaulted her taste in the music and tried to ‘save her’ by offering her ‘real bands’ that she should listen to. She told him that he was kind of acting like a dick, and he immediately became angry.”

Smith continued with a half-chuckle, half-wince, “He called her ‘the type of feminist SJW slut that’s ruining black metal’ and slammed the door on his way out.” Smith peeked through his third story window to check if Azeroth’s 1993 Oldsmobile Cutlass 4-Door Sedan was not in his parking spot, ensuring that he was gone. “She bought that shirt because she saw them live a few months ago, liked the music and wanted to support them. She left soon after, and I never heard back from her again.” Alex had confirmed with TovH that he has since then bought a new deadlock for his door, but it rarely helps when Azeroth knows that he’s home. “I don’t know, man. That guy really needs to get laid,” Smith added.  

Toilet Ov Hell reached for further comment from Azeroth; but could not be reached because as of press time he was approaching the fifth hour of arguing online with Metal Archives forum commenter, DankMagician420, who suggested that nobody listens to black metal except for, “…pompous French people, table-top gamers and Varg fan-boy [homophobic slur].”   

*With the exception of my personal friend and vocalist of my favorite metal band, Brian Werner of Vital Remains.

**Dr. Nagesh Dalal was born and raised in Sacramento, California.                

Written by:

Published on: January 7, 2016

Filled Under: Lolbuttz, Metal

Views: 1779

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  • Vault Dweller
  • COAL ROLL

    this article is offensive AF wow you’ve really stooped to a new low here

  • Scrimm

    There’s been evidence of this phenomenon even here.

  • “liberal cannabis activists”

    HEY!!!

    • Paris Hilton

      Sorry.

  • Super Nintendo Chalmers

    My face.

  • Shrimp in a Pizza Box

    Oi, us video game enthusiasts don’t get offended easily you fookin cunt!

    • Dubs

      Yes, clearly all the people on Kotaku moaning about localization changes=censorship are paragons of patience and enlightenment.

      • Maik Beninton™

        Huh?

        • Dubs

          If you ever read the comments on Kotaku articles about how some games are changed when they’re brought to the US, you’ll see a ton of whiners whining about how game companies are literally Hitler for “censoring” the Japanese products.

          • I tried to bait the massive Undertale audience on my FB the other day just to see if I could generate some nerd rage. only one person bit 🙁

          • Maik Beninton™

            You can’t do that so voluntarily, it will be too bland and not so dumb people will see through.

          • Dubs

            I saw that post. Didn’t know if you were joking or not. I haven’t played the game myself.

      • Shrimp in a Pizza Box

        Video game journalism is a joke to be honest. It does create hilarious drama though.

        • Dubs

          The tears are delicious.

        • If only there was a movement to restore ethics in games journalism
          /slits guts, hangs self with entrails

          • I haven’t tried using that suicide, thanks for making me aware

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Brutal

          • Shrimp in a Pizza Box

            Eh, I just stopped getting involved in games journalism in general. Big websites like Kotaku are just drama and choking on the dicks of stupidly hyped AAA games that literally everyone knows about anyway.

          • best stick with IGN where everything’s a solid 7.8

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            I give this comment a solid 9-10 African Americans
            http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9-rdkNhyoHc

      • I’ve realized lately that reading comments on the majority of sites is a waste of my time and only serves to remove more of my faith in humanity. Only TOH comments are real.

        • I love reading the comments pertaining to anything political on ABC, CNN, and or Fox. They are top notch!

          • lol

          • Vault Dweller

            You think those are good? Go to slightly more off-brand sites, like WND (WorldNet Daily) and The Blaze.

            The annihilation of humanity can’t come soon enough. Don’t even care if good people die, just end us all- ASAP!

          • Dubs

            The ones on The Blaze articles I’ve read are usually death threats from pissed off liberals. It’s pretty funny.

          • is The Blaze safe for work? I would love to visit said wasteland if so

          • Dubs

            AFAIK.

          • I had to make a judgement call on whether or not I could google “AFAIK”… cuz poser. I venture on!

          • Vault Dweller

            Yeah, it should be safe. The Blaze is the site Glenn Beck started after Fox News fired his ass.

            They cater to old conservatives, so I imagine there will be no nudity/gore/etc.

          • The Blaze is turning out to be ptrill. Thanks for the rec!

          • I would never go to those sites. I fucking hate politics. It’s all talk until someone gets elected and then it’s still all talk until someone gets impeached.

          • Vault Dweller

            I fucking love politics for EXACTLY that reason.

            Fights over politics are the best. Every time a right winger cries or yells at me, I ejaculate spontaneously.

          • Spontaneously? Dude you gotta cut back on the chems.

          • Vault Dweller
          • k, gonna go play fallout4 now

        • I like reading the comments on NY Times articles. The top comments on those are usually rational, well thought out ideas.

    • Spear

      Sadly, I think those of us who do a ton of gaming and aren’t mouth-breathing manchildren are outliers.

      I mean, okay, realistically I’m totally a mouth-breathing manchild but I don’t complain about THAT much petty bullshit, especially not concerning video games.

      • Shrimp in a Pizza Box

        Every time I see one of THEM, I try to convince myself that they’re just a loud minority, but then I browse Reddit, and die a little bit inside.

        • Dubs

          I don’t regret quitting Reddit last year. You kinda forget that the world doesn’t necessarily spin the way that insular community thinks it does.

          • didn’t know you quit! hug me (very slowly)

          • Dubs

            I think it was during the summer. Tried a couple other sites, but settled on Metafilter.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            And yet that website still looks like pure shitfire

        • Spear

          The only time I ever go to Reddit is for tech death stuff. That community is surprisingly chill.

          • Shrimp in a Pizza Box

            Depends on the subreddit mostly, dota2 is dank memes and shitposts for days, hearthstone is hell in a web page.

    • Paris Hilton

      It’s about ethics in indie metal blog journalism imo

  • I have to say, of all the commenters and writers for the site, Paris has the absolute best way with words. The detail, the finesse…. DAMN.

    /willreadagain

    GL

    • How about we talk about Cincinatti on a more recent post? haha

      I’ll be there for Cincy powerfest the 23rd.

      Automaton
      Lords of the Trident
      Stagecoach Inferno
      Zephaniah
      Siegelord
      Solar Flare

      Guaranteed to be the nerdiest show you attend in 2016, maybe ever. I cannot wait

      • I am confident I cannot guarantee anything. Our baby girl is arriving in that time frame. I would love to see my wife’s face if I told here I was going to a power metal concert instead. lol

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        What about Ragnarökkr Metal Apocalypse?

        • Probably goonna skip this year. Great lineup but nothing I absolutely love. Plus I get to meet a ton of friends from Automaton/Lords of the Trident in Cincinatti, as well as a few other friends

        • Tygers of Pan Tang???? Fuck me!

    • Guacamole Jim

      I am always happy to see/read a Paris article.

  • Bosse de Hosse Rosse

    Except Tyree. He’s cool.

    • Maik Beninton™

      Tyree doesn’t get easily offended, he’s cool like that.

      • Tell him Gridlink is good grind 😉

      • Bosse de Hosse Rosse

        Yep.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    RIP Azeroth The Malevolent

    • Paris Hilton

      He’s in a better place. He just got accepted into his community college!

      • Eliza

        Quite an achievement.

        • Grade 10’s got me all stressed out.
          It’s way harder than Grade 9, way fucking harder.

          • Eliza

            I know how you feel. It may seem too hard, but you must never give up!

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            In Finland, grade 10 is where the people that are not smrt and gopd at school go to.

    • Bosse de Hosse Rosse

      HAIL!

    • Where is his helmet?!! He’s gonna poke an eye out!

      • CyberneticOrganism

        *elderly mother seen briskly walking into backyard with son’s helmet*

        • “THANK YOU MOTHER, I AM NOW READY FOR MY CONQUEST”

          • Bosse de Hosse Rosse

            “INTO GLORY!”

          • CyberneticOrganism

            “Jeremy, Cynthia called again this morning. She’d like you to mail out your latest child support payment as soon as possible. Please don’t delay honey, I hate getting calls from those collection agencies.”

          • Bosse de Hosse Rosse

            Brutal.

          • “Remember you need to clean your room later” “Moooooooooommm!!!”

          • MOM I TOLD YOU AFTER I UNSEAT THE LORD OF MYTHIA FROM HIS CRYSTAL THRONE

          • CyberneticOrganism

            “The what now? Jeremy, please stop spending your money on your Nintendos. You have to save for an apartment, you’ve been promising that for two years now.”

          • (me playing dark souls if I still lived at home)

          • Bosse de Hosse Rosse

            “And try not to soil your armor this time, its the third pair this month!”

          • CyberneticOrganism

            “Your father is coming home in an hour, please take out the garbage before then. Have fun with your dragons and swords, honey!”

    • it’s all fvcking heresy

      Fucking Dragons >>>>>>> worshiping Satan.

      • Finally! Today is the day it all turns around!

      • Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.

        • NO. NO DON’T TAKE THIS FROM ME

          • Bosse de Hosse Rosse
          • Dubs

            Why’s that dragon holding a scepter?

          • it’s all fvcking heresy

            I think the better question is why is that other dragon not holding a scepter?

          • Bosse de Hosse Rosse

            Because POWER METAL!!!!

          • so he can shoo away other dragons

          • Dubs

            I thought dragons were a dying breed. Why would they shoo each other?

          • Dragons are hoarders, he doesn’t want that other dragon getting into his massive cheesy poof stache

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Christ, that’s adorable.

          • Dubs

            My sister has a pug and a frenchie. Apparently the pug got mad at the frenchie one night and peed in her bed.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Now that’s offensive.

          • COAL ROLL

            Loafy D approves that behavior

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            Loafy D = +++++++++

          • COAL ROLL

            lifelover

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            I have a weakness for dogs. Doesn’t mean I still enjoy life.

          • I wouldn’t call that a weakness. Dogs are far superior to humans.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            You make a great point.

          • As I read this TOH post, all I could think of was dogs. I can’t even tell you what the post was about.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Yeah, that was a lot of words.

          • I’m 300+ pounds, I live in Happy Valley, I can’t read lots of words, and I listen to black metal. I can’t believe I haven’t killed myself yet.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            You fat uneducated, no culture fuck.

          • Hahaha! Fuck!

          • Vault Dweller

            Nah, no way. Dogs are just as shitty as humans. They’re stupid and generally happy. They only get truly mean if they’re subject to lifelong abuse.

            Cats are better than both. Cats hold all in contempt.

          • My cat Albus > all life on this planet

          • Idk he neglects his facebook page quite often

          • Luna likes cuddles and playtime too much to be truly contemptuous.

          • Stay Katy…what?

          • Heroic Nipple Farts Of Doom
          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            ‘Dem titties.

          • Heroic Nipple Farts Of Doom

            How Russel Brand got to play Stuffin The Muffin with that is beyond me.

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            +++++ Dogs 4 lyfe!

          • PB&J’s AND DOGS >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            4 lyfe!

          • *psst, Tapir was talking shit on PB earlier today. that most certainly deserves a paddlin’

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            No one likes a tattletale.

          • Does he like PB&Shit sandwiches?

          • COAL ROLL

            I’m just joking around bro

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Haha, it’s cool dude. Wasn’t giving you shit.

          • Stockhausen

            Dogs >>> life

          • Heroic Nipple Farts Of Doom
          • CyberneticOrganism
          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            Dio?

          • Heroic Nipple Farts Of Doom

            Monty Python I think.

          • SATAN.

        • it’s all fvcking heresy

          You can’t get ahead of destroying posers with shining blades of glory and righteousness. NOT POSSIBLE.

      • Ave Satanas. nyah. : P

      • Spear

        As someone who fucks dragons and worships Satan with equal gusto, I am torn by this statement.

      • ChuggaChuggaDeedleyDoo

        I’m sticking with black metal. I get burned every single time I try to fuck dragons.

    • BLACKBEARD UNFILTERED

      I WANT THAT SUIT OF ARMOR

      • WITH A MERE $650 YOU TOO CAN WASTE YOUR WEEKEND BUILDING THIS SUIT OF ARMOR.

        -RT

        • BLACKBEARD UNFILTERED

          At least i actually look like a warrior. Id scare the shit out of people in town

      • Stockhausen

        Let’s hug/maim it out, bro.

      • BLACKBEARD UNFILTERED

        How do you not own one of these tyree?

      • Heroic Nipple Farts Of Doom

        Perfect for the gimp in the family!

  • Sir Tapir The Based

    Wtf y is a picture of Venom there? They’re straight garbage.

  • “Ya Rekkids Ain’t Evil, I’s Evil!”
    http://youtu.be/ZlKzlfqmzpQ

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    It’d be a shame if someone… TOOK OFFENSE OVER THIS

  • Guacamole Jim

    “Other demographics included in the study were: Conservative Christians, Liberal cannabis activists, “bikers”, vegans, video game enthusiasts, and Donald Trump supporters.”

    Forgets crossfitters SMDH

  • Ultimate Satan

  • Guacamole Jim

    Also, I think Azeroth the Lolevolant should be the new TovH mascot.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      We need Mortal Kombat-esque fighter stats for all our mascots.

      Azeroth The Malevolent
      Origin: USA
      Height: 6’1″
      Weight: 320 lbs
      Blood Type: Mountain Dew
      Weapon: Greasy backlit keyboard + rare black metal LPs
      Finishing Move: Forced mocking laughter w/ Cool Ranch Dorito spray
      Strongest Combo: Spittle-laced rant about underground production techniques
      Favorite Food: Jack’s Self-Rising Bacon Cheeseburger Pizza
      Armor: Gynecomastia
      Best Teammate: 51 yr old stoner buddy

      • Guacamole Jim

        PLEASE make an article detailing the Mortal Kombat TovH mascots.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Bdubs Bro has joined the game!

  • Heroic Nipple Farts Of Doom

    Gah, Cronos is looking like the fucked up love spawn of Christy Ricci and the old chick from Throw Mama From The Train!

    • As long as he is still singing Live Like An Angel (die, Like A Devil) then I don’t care what the fuck he looks like.

      • Dubs

        Nor should you.

      • Heroic Nipple Farts Of Doom

        Is the new album any good? Meant to give it a spin months ago and forgot about it.

        • Haven’t checked it out. I’m more partial to the first 3 albums more than anything else honestly.

          • Heroic Nipple Farts Of Doom

            Same here. Metal Black was the last one I’ve checked out, which wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      FFS get some sun, Cronos

      • Heroic Nipple Farts Of Doom

        His forehead probably deflects sunlight.

        • Paris Hilton

          But nothing can deflect his Townshed-level of hairline denial

  • 365ChaosRiddenDays
      • 365ChaosRiddenDays

        First time that I hear them, I was checking “Ultimate Satan” and yes you’re right, phenomenal. I’ll check the rest soon and their previous album. Killer beginning of this new year and I don’t forget the upcoming album by Skaphe, another band that I’m waiting for!

        • Super stoked for new Skaphe to man.

          • 365ChaosRiddenDays

            I’m digging a lot the new Inverloch’s track by the way, seems that we’ll have a good year of extreme music, if I have to speak about Altarage too!

          • Hell to the yeah brotha. Good start so far. Just have to wait for half of this shit to drop is all.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    I couldn’t agree about this more. A lot of black metal fans are easily offended. This is one of the only places where that’s not the case.

    • Eliza

      Isn’t this a great place?

    • The lack of offense in this place offends me.

      GOSH!

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Being offended is a lot like masturbating, so when I feel like I might be getting offended by something I just do that instead.

  • ~~>

  • God damn this is too good. The story, the comments, you’ll… DAMN

    My day is looking much brighter

    • Paris Hilton

      Thanks for reading!

  • Eliza

    To be fair, extreme fans of anything are pains in the ass.

    • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

      I know of a Rob Zombie superfan on a film forum who’s such a upbeat, friendly guy that he’s very hard to dislike, but he’s probably a rarity.

      • Eliza

        A miracle-like existence, something hard to believe, but true.

  • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

    Four out of five scientists confirm what we all knew to be TRVE!! Hahaha, great stuff.

    Also is this for REALZ? SRS science stuff?

    • Eliza

      It most probably isn’t real, but the writing feels very authentic.

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        Its sure feels real!

  • *cranks up Mayhem*
    *cuts self in trembling rage*
    *weeps in impotence*
    *salty tears fall into cuts, burns like a motherf*cker*