Washington, D.C.- At a conference held on December 30th, 2015, The American Psychology Association Public Interest Directorate has announced that data in their recent studies have found a direct relationship between individual interest in the genre of black metal and vulnerability to taking personal offense to external stimuli*. The data also suggested that black metal fans are the most prone to excessively react to subjective media.
Data collected from peer-reviewed journals including Emotion, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Psychology of Violence, and Behavioral Neuroscience concluded that black metal fans are the most likely demographic to become personally offended in response to stimuli that questions their perceived reality, and the most likely to utilize defense mechanisms to combat external influences. The data have also found that this subject group responds with more emotionally unstable reactions than any other demographic that was studied. Other demographics included in the study were: Conservative Christians, Liberal cannabis activists, “bikers”, vegans, video game enthusiasts, and Donald Trump supporters.
Dr. Nagesh Dalal, clinical neuropsychologist and a representative of the APA’s Public Interest Directorate, expands on the APA’s findings, “Through extensive research of these demographics, both quantitative and qualitative, we have found significant evidence that fans of the musical genre ‘black metal’ most readily take personal offence to any stimuli that does not suit their perceived reality.”
Dr. Dalal continued, “A bizarre phenomenon that we found during our studies was that the subjects who listen to black metal music that contains lyrics or produces memorabilia horribly offensive to religious groups, women, and ethnic people ironically set-up the most extreme defenses in response to stimuli that suggests generalization of the black metal scene. Some subjects even compared this generalization to racism and genocide. Stimuli that suggested a paradox between the media they were consuming and the personal morals that they allegedly held was another especially touchy subject, even if the stimulus was in the form of a transparent, easily decipherable joke.”
In an exclusive press statement with Toilet Ov Hell, Dr. Dalal stated, “One of our participants left the study two hours in. A Lab Assistant had made a remark that black metal fans enjoy music videos filmed in forests because, ‘that’s the most bush they’re ever going to see.’ The participant stormed out after telling us that we are no better than racists. For a demographic so against political correctness and sensitivity, they really are a bunch of cry-babies.”
Toilet Ov Hell correspondents were on the scene in Fort Wayne, Indiana, to get feedback on these findings with a local Black Metal enthusiast and musician. Our source wished to remain anonymous, but allowed the use of his stage name, “Azeroth The Malevolent”, which he dons when he does vocals and plays bass with his band, Algarad. “How typical. The ‘SJW’ Libtard media is lying to oppress our freedom of speech again. Black metal stands for true freedom of all of our rights.” Azeroth said about the peer-reviewed, politically-uninvolved studies, “Fuck anyone who oppresses freedom of speech,” the 28 year old musician and part-time Domino’s Pizza cook added as he lit a cigarette with his Schutzstaffel emblem engraved Zippo. “I’d like to meet this Dr. Nalal. If that fucking [ethnic slur] thinks true warriors of black metal are more sensitive than the rest of our pussified, PC world he’s as backwards as whatever country he’s from**. He should say that to my fucking face, I’ll bash that [homophobic slur] face in.” Sources confirm that as of press time, Azeroth was visibly shaking with rage and frustration.
Toilet Ov Hell correspondents also reached out to 25 year old Alex Smith, friend of Azeroth’s and next-door neighbour in their apartment complex. “Well, I wouldn’t really say we’re friends. Shit, he’s not here is he? Anyway, he sort of just comes over when he feels like it. It’s a real pain in the ass when I have friends over- especially women- I never know what the guy’s gonna say, you know? One time I had a girl over that I was really into, and she was wearing a Kvelertak shirt. Things were going great and we were really connecting, and guess who barges in totally uninvited?”
Alex let out a long sigh, massaging the bridge of his nose with his index finger and thumb, still lamenting the experience, “What a nightmare. He immediately sees her shirt and goes into a long diatribe about how ‘that band is what happens when hipster [homophobic slur] suckle on the teat of real black metal’. He then assaulted her taste in the music and tried to ‘save her’ by offering her ‘real bands’ that she should listen to. She told him that he was kind of acting like a dick, and he immediately became angry.”
Smith continued with a half-chuckle, half-wince, “He called her ‘the type of feminist SJW slut that’s ruining black metal’ and slammed the door on his way out.” Smith peeked through his third story window to check if Azeroth’s 1993 Oldsmobile Cutlass 4-Door Sedan was not in his parking spot, ensuring that he was gone. “She bought that shirt because she saw them live a few months ago, liked the music and wanted to support them. She left soon after, and I never heard back from her again.” Alex had confirmed with TovH that he has since then bought a new deadlock for his door, but it rarely helps when Azeroth knows that he’s home. “I don’t know, man. That guy really needs to get laid,” Smith added.
Toilet Ov Hell reached for further comment from Azeroth; but could not be reached because as of press time he was approaching the fifth hour of arguing online with Metal Archives forum commenter, DankMagician420, who suggested that nobody listens to black metal except for, “…pompous French people, table-top gamers and Varg fan-boy [homophobic slur].”
*With the exception of my personal friend and vocalist of my favorite metal band, Brian Werner of Vital Remains.
**Dr. Nagesh Dalal was born and raised in Sacramento, California.