Red Shoes, Pink Fur, and White Rock: The Unauthorized Biography of Sonic the Hedgehog

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It was the beginning of the 1990s. America was on the cusp of a new social revolution. Gone were the days of wholesome entertainment. Technological progress marched forward, leaving stolen innocence and broken childhood in its wake. The youth of the remaining world superpower, disillusioned by the triumph of Capitalism and craving a dark foil to the new, shiny Silicon World Order, cast the banal epitomes of adolescent naiveté aside, seeking a grittier reflection of the frightening realization of reality. Old familiar faces, such as the jovial plumber Mario slipped into the cracks of obscurity. Riding a quicksilver bolt of media lightning, a new, sophisticated, and edgy hero stampeded onto the scene. Enter the hedgehog. With his cocky attitude, rebellious demeanor, and mercurial temper, the blue blaze captured the hearts of disenfranchised youth seeking escape from the suburban sprawl. He was gritty, slaying robots and portly educator-types in a digital effigy of youthful resistance. He was environmentally aware, eschewing the shiny industrialism of the clueless American masses. But most importantly, he was fast. Sonic was his name, and speed was his game.

After a triumphant debut in 1991, the smug speedster stood atop his throne of youthful adulation. Born upon the fleet feet of American consciousness, The Blue Blur unleashed another work of strident opposition to greed and pollution. In 1992, Sonic became the very epitome of the disquieted zeitgeist of the American youth. He ran against war, against poverty, against the slavery of the military-industrial complex. He ran for peace and acceptance. But most of all, he ran for us. Sonic was the very image of righteous indignation; no, he was not perfect. He was a snide punk who stood up to authority. He broke the law. He said the words obedient children were not permitted to speak. He was an imperfect hedgehog, but he was a shining role model for indignant young men and women all across the nation. Youth everywhere envied Sonic’s young sidekick Miles “Tails” Prower, wishing that they too could run at the hedgehog’s side. Then, in 1994, Sonic once again established himself as the foremost flag-bearer for the youth of America. He continued to run, but now he ran for friendship and unity. With his third major blockbuster, Sonic loomed tall above the simple and squeaky-clean heroes of the bygone Cold War era. But, as with all rising stars, Sonic’s situation was poised to go nova. Even as his career soared to new heights, his personal life began to falter in the blocks. Sonic the hedgehog was in trouble.

It’s difficult to pinpoint the beginning of the end for Sonic, but if you were to ask him now where everything went astray, he’d probably tell you it was when he began to abuse substances. After Sonic 3, the star athlete realized that he wouldn’t be able to maintain his fit physique forever. Competing with his new rival and co-star Knuckles the Echidna taught him that lesson. So, he turned to the one man his fans hated most. In a moment of despair, Sonic asked his on-screen nemesis, Dr. Ivo “Eggman” Robotnik, for help.

Dr. Robotnik, nicknamed The Eggman during his undergraduate career at MIT due to his purported renown as a dealer of illicit growth hormones, was a character of ill repute. Discovered by Sonic’s marketing directors exhorting the principles of fascism and eugenics in a sordid pub down in old Angel Island, the nefarious PhD was quickly signed on to play Sonic’s dictatorial archenemy. But for all his onscreen bluster and buffoonery, Dr. Robotnik maintained a cold and unappealing demeanor in his personal life. Arrested more than once for selling drugs in the back alley of the studio, Eggman quickly became a problem for management. However, the Sonic franchise was selling, so the studio refused to let the foul doctor go. When Sonic eventually came to him seeking supplements to help him maintain his youthful vigor, the doctor was more than happy to comply.

At first, the pills seemed to work. Sonic’s energy was back. He could run for longer, faster, and harder. His self-esteem improved, and his trademark attitude returned in full force. With his admirable capabilities and stunning charisma rejuvenated, Sonic felt that he was at the top of the game. His life entered a whirlwind of fame, fortune, and fornication. He spent his days battling for justice and environmentalism and his nights drinking and fraternizing with the groupies. Sonic never wanted his high to end. Morning and evening blended together in a haze of booze, shame, and sweaty fur. Sonic was untouchable, and all of the ladies wanted to see if he was really as fast as he claimed to be. Then, one fateful day in the late 90s, Sonic met a young, pink hedgehog by the name of Amy Rose. The two began a torrid love affair filled with sullied bathroom floors and dusty concrete streets. The two fell deeply in love, but Sonic’s quickly exacerbating chemical dependency began to take a toll on his normally cool exterior. One minute he and Amy were in the throes of passion, only for the blue hero to erupt into an outburst of anger, after which one or both of the hedgehogs would always speed away. The Studio saw the dynamic relationship, and wanting to capitalize on such explosive drama, cast Amy to play the role of Sonic’s young stalker in their upcoming drama, Sonic Adventure. Slated to be the studio’s most expensive and biggest production ever, management wanted to capture Sonic’s world as never seen before. However, as the marketing team ramped up advertising, constructing an indefatigable hype train behind the blue hero, Sonic’s life spiraled further and further out of control. Chaos entered Sonic’s life.

Eggman’s supplements no longer giving him the testosterone boost he needed, Sonic soon turned to illegal substances. On a dark night in a seedy alley, Sonic, joined by Eggman, met a dealer with a packet of “Chaos Crystals.” Although he was hesitant to go this far, Robotnik soon cajoled Sonic into snorting the tiny rocks. The blue hedgehog awoke hours later clutching a tailed frog and running faster than he ever had before. He didn’t care what the substance was; he just knew he needed it, and the studio, impressed by this unprecedented speed and feats of martial prowess, asked no questions. Sonic ran and battled Dr. Robotnik onscreen but off-screen, his life utterly collapsed. Amy moved out of their posh apartment; Knuckles stopped returning his calls. Only Eggman, profiting from Sonic’s personal chaos and misery, remained close. However, the disillusioned public of the late 90s lapped up the over-the-top action of Sonic Adventure, and the studio soon faced an overwhelming demand for a sequel. Their hero Sonic was in poor shape for handling the lead of such a demanding blockbuster, though, so the studio sought a new co-star to help them anchor the even darker appetites of the American people of the new millennium. Sonic was soon forced to face his own Shadow.

Sonic Adventure 2 was slated to be the windfall of cash and public approval that would pave the way for the studio to lead the entertainment business into the shining new millennium. The production would be a tent-pole event that would anchor the studio for years to come and introduce a slate of intriguing new stars. Foremost among them was Shadow the hedgehog, a darker, grittier, gun-toting counterpart to the Blue Blur. Cashing in on Americans’ love for anti-heroes, Shadow was the studio’s solution to the Sonic problem. As Sonic’s personal life quickly spiraled out of control in a self-medicated frenzy of Chaos Crystals and cheap, furry hookers, Shadow launched a wave of public approval as he ran faster and fought harder than Sonic. Things were heating up on the internet, and the eve of the studio’s biggest release finally approached. However, tragedy struck at what should have been Sonic’s finest hour. On opening night, private security officers from the Gunn Corporation found a heavily intoxicated and pants-less Sonic passed out in a chemical lab after trying to break in to find the raw materials necessary to create Chaos Crystals. The studio had had enough and checked Sonic into a rehabilitation clinic in an attempt to regain public sympathy, but it was too little, too late. The public was through with Sonic’s shenanigans. The studio’s lead star was completely out of commission while being treated for his drug addictions. Eggman was arrested for running a shady prostitution ring and for distributing Chaos Crystals from a studio warehouse. Amy refused to answer any calls, and Tails discovered that his extra appendage was in fact a gigantic tumor. The studio tried to refocus and release a solo-Shadow production, but the endeavor was a flop, and the studio went under.

Sonic was discharged from the clinic, but he now had another problem: his debt collectors were searching for him. Once again, the blue hedgehog turned to Dr. Robotnik, who told him he could make some money smuggling guns and illegal substances across the border and used his criminal connections to arrange a position for Sonic from behind bars. Sonic was able to make a little money, but eventually the allure of the drugs he was smuggling grew too much, and the hedgehog again found himself addicted to Chaos Crystals. The smugglers kicked Sonic to the curb, and after Robotnik was murdered in prison by a mentally challenged cat armed with some fishing line and upset that Egmman had derided his imaginary froggy friend, the hedgehog was left with nowhere to turn. Sonic’s life hit rock bottom, and he resorted to posing for fetish sites to earn enough money to fuel his drug habit. He became the butt of every joke, with a new internet game called “hedgehog roulette” capitalizing on the Blue Blur’s career suicide.

Then one fateful day, Knuckles the Echidna, now a treasure-hunting reality-show star, discovered a woefully thin and weak Sonic panhandling on the street, fecal matter and urine clearly staining his once luxurious fur. The former star athlete’s muscles had so far atrophied that he had become wheel-chair bound and wholly dependent on the kindness of total strangers. Knuckles, feeling a twinge of pain for his former friend, asked Sonic to take a trip with him, and the two traveled to a nearby bayou called the Lost World. Knuckles arranged an intervention with many of Sonic’s old friends, and Sonic was finally confronted by the weight of his iniquities. After an ailing Tails told Sonic through tears about his cancer, the hedgehog finally had a spiritual experience, and wishing to capture this new high and get his life back on track, committed his life to practicing Santeria. Sonic changed his name to Sanic and began to start exercising again. With the patient help of his new religious community, Sanic kicked the drugs and focused his life on writing music to raise money for his new community and for his old friends. He regained the use of his legs and eventually developed some skill in music. Sanic, with a new zest for life and a renewed purpose, moved back to Angel Island to spread the good news of Santeria and to lead a music ministry.

Meanwhile, all of the trademarks and intelligent properties once owned by the studio were picked up by another developer, and after conducting extensive public polls, the entertainment industry determined that people were finally ready for a new Sonic adventure. The new studio approached Sanic, but he was unwilling to dive again into the entertainment industry and was dedicated to his new humble existence. The new studio marshaled on without the former superstar, finding look-alikes to replace all of the major characters, and the Sonic franchise lives on.

Today, if you were to stroll down the entertainment district of Angel Island, you’d likely find Sanic the hedgehog playing in a small club to raise money for his old friend Tails’ cancer treatment. His voice isn’t what it used to be, and he hasn’t retained all of the dexterity in his limbs, but there’s an endearing earnestness to the way Sanic belts out old tunes from his hit productions. If you get a chance, you should visit Sanic’s bandcamp page and leave a few dollars for nostalgia’s sake.

(Photo VIAVIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, and VIA)

  • This is the wildest shit I’ve ever read.

  • Death

    10/10 needs more BDSM

    • IronLawnmower

      I can provide!

  • Tom Waits For Better Days

    Wow. This is… different.
    A very really entertainingly good!

  • Hubert, Goat ov Doom (and Void

    k.

    • VV.

      Skronk

      • KJM

        Sonic got DAT SKRONK.

  • Death

    ….

    • VV.

      Must move at an accelerated pace.

      • Death

    • did one of your students make this?

      • Death

        I don’t teach art.

        • Call the Slambulance

          Obviously.

  • Hubert, Goat ov Doom (and Void

    ..

  • Hubert, Goat ov Doom (and Void

    7.8/10 – It’s ok.

    + Well written
    + Very good writing
    + Good words

    – Too much water
    – Not enough fast

  • Spear

  • Tom Waits For Better Days

    That song, first I thought it was bad but now after a few listens I’m beginning to think it’s actually pretty horrible.

    • Hubert, Goat ov Doom (and Void

      You just don’t get it you cis male scum.

    • Death

      Dood, it’s pretty experimental.

      • Tom Waits For Better Days

        It’s too Avanto-Garden for my CPU

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    supposedly sonic is helping introduce legislation that makes it illegal to show santa clause on tv —unless he’s portrayed as openly bisexual

    heres a song that sonic wrote with paul mccartney in the 90s

    http://youtu.be/_WHRQUycaTQ

  • B00mhauer

    Black coat, white shoes, black hat, Cadillac. Yeah. The boy’s a time bomb.

  • Gvrp

    I spent so much time as a kid trying to beat Sonic Adventure 1 & 2 on the Dreamcast, and never finished either… Should have used internet guides.

    Great read, Dubya.

    • The sonic adventure graphics were so good. I remember seeing the water and thinking the future was here.

      • B00mhauer

        I remember thinking the soundtrack was the tits. I also enjoyed taking care of my chao pets. Man, I gotta get that game back…

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

          I still have Sonic Adventure 2 and the updated Sonic Adventure for Gamecube. I’m going to have to get through those again.

          • Gvrp

            I’m jealous. My copy of the first Sonic Adventure is scratched to hell.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

            My Dreamcast copy is scratched to hell as well which is why I’m playing the Gamecube updated version of Sonic Adventure.

        • Gvrp

          The soundtrack is better than most radio rock.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

            I agree. The only good radio rock is nu metal.

          • …………………..

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

            Did you post a photo here? I can’t see it.

          • Yes, refresh to view image

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

            Is it a funny image?

          • bro. bro. have i ever embedded an unfunny image?

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

            I still can’t see it. Can you post it again?

          • Lacertilian

            bro, you forgot the third and fourth bros, bro.

          • Death

            Nope

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

            Yes it is. You know how much I love my nu metal.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            I glad is nu metal no play radio here in.

          • Death

            We just have to listen to Cheek and iskelmä.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            Never has nu metal sounded as good as after this.

          • Death

            One hour of Cheek or a week of nu metal?

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

            A week of nu metal hands down.

          • Death

            You seem like a Cheek fan, though.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            Cheek fine? He should definitely pay one.

          • Death

            A Finnish man was found dead this Monday morning in his apartment. His back had been broken before he died. There was a note next to him that said “I fucking told you!”.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

            I am laughing like a madman at this.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            It must hurt.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

            I’ve never heard of Cheek.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            Here be one of his more bearable moments. Now embrace the inner fanboy.
            http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=81Ejyr-ddgw

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

            I like how he raps what I think is your imaginary language. I may not be able to understand him but he looks like a Finnish version of Eminem.

          • Death

            Eminem is not nearly as big of a douche as Cheek.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

            I like him. He’s almost as awesome as Jahred from Hed PE. I saw them yesterday and they were oddly good even though their albums before the new one are all crappy third rate punk combined with crappy third rate reggae and nu metal.

          • Death

            Paleface and Asa are pretty much the only two good Finnish rappers.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

            I had no clue Finnish rap existed until you brought up that Cheek song.

          • Death
          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            ButtloadS of it here are a few.
            http://www.levykauppax.fi/rap/finnishrap/

          • Death
          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            Here is a stranger one yet not bad. And it’s short
            http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OfHYIwEA7fY

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            Jätkäjätkät (okay, it has Asa) is not bad.

          • Death

            I watched the news on Friday. They were talking to people about the result of equal marriage voting. One lady said: “I hope that god will lift this curse that has fallen upon our country.”

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            Räsänen threatened to make the next parliament repeal the law. I think a mass murder should be organized to wipe these shitstains from the face of all earth
            (Fobba dear, I’m kidding. (Even if I’d slightly symphatize anyone doing so I do not condone such actions))

          • Death

            She still hasn’t resigned even though she promised.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            Yeah! Now she’s saying she won’t because it was a citizen’s initiative. And KD won’t leave the government because stuff. Her interview over the weekend are raving lunacy. You can’t tell what she means by anything and she has already stated three differwnt opinions about the passing of the law.

          • Death

            Didn’t she say that KD won’t join the new government if it finally goes through? Aparently most of the people that are part of the final voting agree with equal marriage, so it’ll probably go through. KD is probably going to try to do everything they can to stop kt.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            She’s trying to take it back. I guess she was trying to put pressure on the existing government that a way. Besides it is actually THE LAW (of sorts) that KD and RKP have to be in every government.

          • Death

            Is it a law? Some people dare to claim that Finland is a secularistic country.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            I’m under the impression that it is a very binding gevernmental agreement that is not to be discussed and therefore only voluntary ecluding could actually exclude them. Mostly Finland does seem secularistic, but I think it has been justified as being the voice of small-ish groups that would otherwise not be able to voice their opinion. As undemocratic as it gets.

          • Death

            Do you want to build a Marxist utopia? Come on let’s go out and play!

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            Yay!

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            And despite seeming so Finland is NOT A SECULARISTIC COUNTRY unfortunately.

          • Death

            You don’t have to yell

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            Okay. I won’t. It’s just so much fun.

          • Stockhausen

            There is absolutely no way that’s a word.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            It stands for the guy-guys
            (guy=jätkä, Jätkäjätkä= The Guy-guy)

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            The chorus begins something like: “This’ll never go away, diamonds are forever, and I promise to be real and always rock, diamonds are forever. ”
            Not even close to his most painful moments
            (And he’s Finlands biggest hitmaker at the moment most likely)

          • Death

            I’m guessing he is one of the diamonds?

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            If there is any justice in the world, he is not. Or then diamonds are not forever.

          • Death

            He thinks he’s one of the diamonds. But every diamond loses it’s shine and dies at one point.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            I urge to check all these out if you are intereated in hip hop at all. They are enjiyable even if you don’t understand the language.

            http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mOWkV4eZoMA&itct=CBgQpDAYBCITCJ7p4fmeo8ICFYpVcAodEyIAVzIHcmVsYXRlZEi1vdKDqpbZjZkB

            http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mRtksqB0nrU

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

            I’m not really a giant rap fan. I like stuff like Wu Tang Clan and Public Enemy but that’s the only real rap I like.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            I’m not a hip hop enthusiastic meself, only like some intelligent lyrics and a little horrorcore.
            I think you should give a try to the latter, Kuristaja and Jonestown (Dsmrfn & Klvn) are some good ones, given that uou won’t understand the words. Musically they seem like not hip hop-py at all.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

            I’m not a fan of horrorcore. I’ll give the two you suggested a chance. Also, what is your opinion of the music of Hendrix? I’m not talking about just the classic stuff either, I’m talking about all his stuff. That includes the live shows released after he died, the studio albums of his unreleased songs and all the other thousands of CDs you can buy of his off Amazon.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            I like much of his stuff. Band of Gypsys should be mentioned more often. Post-mortem he’s been raped. Unreleased songs should have been put to one album and then maybe one or two live albums. Even though the songs were always different the setlist variations are simply not big enough except for a few diehards. The west coast whatever box set I also approve of. But the rest is mostly shameless abusing of a man who died in so bad a condition he could no longer make music he was pleased with, evident on the hundreds of takes a song and piles of discarded material.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            A Rope.
            Or possibly strong shoe-lace.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

            Pick nu metal! There is good nu metal out there as long as you go for the underground stuff.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            Not for a week.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            An hour of Cheek if it’s his old english material

            (Lots of lol’s were had during those days)

          • Death

            Jvg or Cheek

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            Again, Cheek if I get to pick only the old material in english and have a laugh before the terror strikes in. JVG was bad to begin with and has become progressively more horrible. So maybe Cheek in any case (He’s so bad he makes Nybårf look almost semi-good.)

          • Death

            There is no possible case where JVG should be chosen over anything.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            Well Cheek is horribly bad, but I said so. Him over JVG (except when they are featuring Sini Sabotage LOL!!!)

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            On another note, not all iskelmä is bäd. Herrjoen Kanssa Kuljin Pellon Laitaa Ftw.

          • Death

            What about Ukkometso?

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            There are occasions when it is to be listened. Fresh from the sauna a group of men devour sausage & beer and Pate delivers.

          • Death

            Wrong! It can never be listened unless you are a bald persu.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            I have a lush hair and am no Persu. Yet I can take it. It is awkward but, I can take it. (Not too many times a year)

          • Death

            Have you seen the comment section of that song on youtube?

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            I absolutely refuse to check it under any circumstances.

          • Death

            I made the mistake. It’s pretty…interesting

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            I would believe so. Internet comment sections are volatile at best and I suspect that is one of the worat cases.

          • Death

            Is worat related to Borat?

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            I believe they are cousins. I believe she is Borat’s other sister, the one he doesn’t screw.

      • Gvrp

        That first level on the island was incredible.

      • …then buying a Dreamcast for $40 five years later??

  • KJM

    I didn’t get back into the video game thing until Wolfenstein 3D came out.

    • I’ve been playing Audiosurf and that’s about it. I love putting Krisiun on and seeing the obstacles form around their stuff.

  • Tom Waits For Better Days

    This post needs more Dead Goats!
    http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ffPYxKyVKKo

    • Tom Waits For Better Days

      Sorry @Hubert if you knew anyone, ’twas for the greater goo(d). Have a Pseudogod for comfort.
      http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Su0buCsrE9A

    • Hubert, Goat ov Doom (and Void

      🙁

      • Death

        I’ll protect you from that crazy guy. Don’t worry. You will live!

        • Tom Waits For Better Days

          What does it matter, a dream of love
          Or a dream of lies
          We’re all gonna be in the same place
          When we die
          Your spirit don’t leave knowing
          Your face or your name
          And the wind through your bones
          Is all that remains
          And we’re all gonna be
          We’re all gonna be
          Just dirt in the ground

          • Death

            Wow
            Much intellectual
            Such deep
            Wow

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            The best Christmas song ever written by man. Except maybe, Tankard – Fuck Christmas

          • Death

            Tankard sucks, Tom Waits don’t. Also, what is your favourite Waits album?

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            Bone Machine. Or Swordfish… Or Rain Dogs. Or Real Gone, Frank’s is pretty good too.
            YOU SHOULDN’T AX QUESTIONS THIS HARD!

            (Maybe swordfishtrombones, or bone machine)

          • Death

            I think I have to go with Rain Dogs.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            It’s a very good one, the first one I bought

          • Death

            What’s your opinion on some people thinking that Tom Waits is poor man’s Captain Beefheart?

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            Fuck ’em! I do like Captain Beefheart but his sound was born of his inability to play any instrument and the influence of people like Zappa and Cooder before he took complete control of his band. Waits just has a sonic perversion. He’s gone on record saying if he wouldn’t compromise, no one but him would like to listen to his music.

            And most importantly the two are rather easy to tell apart on a basic level.

            Waits = unconvential means and approach to music

            Beefheart = musical approach to unconventional.

          • Death

            Agree. You can still hear Beefheart’s influence in Wait’s music. It is quite possible that album like Rain Dogs would not exist if Waits had never hear Beefhearts music.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            I think it’s very possible, especially considering the relatively different approach to music on The Heart of Saturday Night.

          • Death

            We have to thank his wife for introducing him to Beefheart’s music.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            Kathleen Brennan 2016

            (We should also thank her for all the Waits songs she’s co-written)

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            Ans now that we are on the topic. Favorite Beefheart record.

          • Death

            Truut Meesk Riipluca!

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            I reckoned you’d say so. It’s a very good one but a very exhausting one too (loooooonggggg!) Lick My Decals Off, Baby is as pretty much as good musically and less exhausting.

          • Death

            Long? You are such a fucking scrub

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            It’s exhausting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
            Scrub my back, bae!

          • KJM

            Swordfishtrombones. I also love Frank’s Wild Years and The Black Rider.

          • Bad As Me is my fave, mostly because it has my theme song on there (‘Chicago’).

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            Also Tankard does not suck

          • Death

            Tankard doesn’t have Death’s approval.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            Well, Hope Can’t Die.

          • KJM

            I hate to be contrary, but this is the best Christmas song ever written.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pv0hlbWpa1w

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            Pogues is a great choice always. But the singer sounds too cheery for christmas.

          • KJM

            Hahahaha

          • +1 for parchment/papyrus

          • Lacertilian

            Nile use Papyrus for their tracklist font, yeah?

          • Stockhausen

            Love that song.

      • Tom Waits For Better Days

        I said I was sorry. Oh harbinger of goatendom

        • Hubert, Goat ov Doom (and Void

          It’s okay. You can kill Steve, he’s a dick. He always eats my grass.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            Done and done!

  • KJM
    • Tom Waits For Better Days

      Shake n’ Bake buddy, shake n’ bake!

  • Death
    • Tom Waits For Better Days

      Nick Cave FTW, I almost paid the overpriced ticket to Flow-festival to see him perform amongst the ranks of world’s worst artists. I am sorry I didn’t.

  • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

    11/10-This is the greatest “biography” I have ever read.

    • Death

      I was 73% sure that you would say that Rick Wakeman’s biography is better.

      • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

        I love this because it’s funny.

  • IronLawnmower

    I don’t play videogames anymore but I still follow the media around it. From what I gather Sonic has followed the same career trajectory as Megadeth.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

      It’s even worse. Sonic is like The Doors when they were releasing albums after Jim died. They need to hang it up for good.

  • IronLawnmower

    This needs more chris chan I feel.

  • The Satan Ov Hell
  • KJM

    OFF TOPIC: Anybody else jacked for the mid season finale of Walking Dead?

    • Tom Waits For Better Days

      You are alone, in the whole wide world.

      • BLVCKBEVRD’S HOLIDVY ELIXXR

        I was never the biggest fan, either.

    • Gvrp

      I thought the internet turned against that show?

      • KJM

        Not I, still enjoying it.

    • Death

      Never seen a single episode of it. How does it feel like being alone?

      • KJM

        Well, since about 14 Million people will be watching along I don’t feel that alone.

    • more jacked for Arrow vs. Flash (come at me, regular people)

      • Death

        What is that thing?

        • KJM

          DC Comics?

          • Death

            Comics? Ewwwww!

          • KJM

            Ok, Mikey…

          • KJM

            Next time one of my friends tells me how picky I am, I’ll send them right to you. That’ll straighten them out.

          • Death

            “You think I’m picky? My toilet friend from Finland likes nothing!”

          • KJM

            Seriously though, I used to hear that all the time from my friends.

          • Death

            You’ll probably never hear it again once they hear what real picky is.

          • more beer

            You`re willing to torture a friend to prove a point. Of this I approve!

      • KJM

        Cool. I’m more of an Agents Of SHIELD guy myself, also looking forward to Agent Carter.

        • Agent “hottie pants” Carter?

          • KJM

            You know it. Hubba hubba.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

      Not really. I stopped watching after season 2. I have a question for you and Conan though. What is your opinion on all the posthumous Hendrix releases that his estate allows? I like the idea of releasing his classic live concerts but the studio stuff they release is shitty.

      • KJM

        I don’t really know much besides the stuff that was released when he was still alive. However, I tend to think most unreleased material by anybody stayed that way for a reason. It’s not like movies where scenes get cut because the studio demands it so they can squeeze more daily showings out of them.

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

          His estate has released a lot of good live shows though from all the periods of his career. I haven’t listened to much of his posthumous studio material either but I thought I’d give it a chance.

      • more beer

        In my opinion all of these after death releases are money grab by his family. Who have fought with each other over the rights to his material since his death. None of it as far as I could ever tell was as good as the things that were released while he was alive.

        • JohnnyTrickleDownCrunchyTacoRi

          They were unreleased for a reason

          • more beer

            I realize that I was just giving JJD some insight as to why they were released.

    • I watched the first 3 eps, and fell off of it. Not because it was bad, but I was super busy with my move from Chicago at the time and wrapping up loose ends on things. Eventually I’ll get through my queue of shows and movies and catch up on it.

      http://www.owned.com/media/images/2/6/7/6/26765/bring_ebola_infected_people_from_africa_to_atlanta_they_said_it_ll_be_safe_they_said_540.jpg

      • KJM

        It gets a bit slow in Season 2 but picks up steam in Season 3.

  • JWG

    Unrelated thought, there hasn’t been much mention of Football lately.

    This afternoon is the Grey Cup (CFL). That’s my afternoon sorted.

  • KJM
  • http://99gifs.com/-img/5072521dafa96f0d48000408.gif

    Imagine him listening to Meshuggah while he’s doing this.

  • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

    Off topic but since there is no whiff of the week this week here is a doozy of a whiff. This song is without a doubt the worst Hendrix song released posthumously. It sounds like a third rate Wild Cherry ripoff and I fucking despise Wild Cherry so this isn’t going to win any awards from me. Fuck this song and its album Crash Landing.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PkMJ2fqrdO8

  • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

    she looks like the blind girl in the fulci classic the beyond. Except far more beautiful.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

      She does look attractive. Are these photos of Taylor?

      • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

        Its from the going to hell music video.

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

          I did not know that. Apparently they played my area in 2012 but I didn’t know who they were at the time.

      • I thought it was Amanda Bynes. This is probably what Amanda Bynes wakes up to, though.

  • Call the Slambulance

    lol wat

    • VV.

      Exactly.

  • Lacertilian

    Dubya brings quite possibly the best slants to this site.
    I was in from the title.
    Sonic 2 Multiplayer on the MegaDrive was a great way to shit on my younger cousins without getting into trouble with the olds.
    Mystic Cave Zone!
    #StaySEGA

    • Lacertilian

      The tactics!
      Do you go for a fast finish or be a dirty ring whore?

    • VV.

      Thanks, my reptilian friend!

  • Further Down the Metal Hole

    You made me feel very sad for Sonic, well done! It is a pretty depressing career though, only ever played the classics 1 and 2 myself.

    • VV.

      You should watch the video for Sonic Boom. The voices are so very annoying.

  • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

    seven times down eight times up….

  • Coolstorybro

    Definitely read the whole thing in the voice of the “Behind the Music” narrator

  • Stockhausen

    Holy handbaskets. Welcome to the next level, W.

  • George Clarke

    :’)

    • VV.

      A smiley face from George is worth more than anything.

  • i dug it

    • VV.

      Tank you!