Record Swap: Joe vs. Randall II, The Rematch

Greetings and welcome back to Record Swap. Today we again pit arch nemeses Joe “Nerd Crusher” Thrashnkill against Randall “Dragon Buster” Thor against each other. The gloves are off, and this time it’s personal. Will the dragons or the muscles emerge victorious? The rules are simple. No research. No foreknowledge. No mercy. — W.

Joe’s Assignment: Dragon Guardian – Cyushingurakitoden (2014)

Dragon Guardian

We agreed no holds barred. I knew what must be done. Even the riffiest and most Thin Lizzy-esque of heavy/power metal bands, Slough Feg, wearied Joe’s poser ears. I knew that punishment was the only answer, and I began my quest to explore my knowledge of the weebiest of the weeb metal: Japanese power metal. Now, it would be easy to just simply go for Galneryus, X Japan, or Jupiter, but I knew that simply wouldn’t be enough. He’d simply listen, appreciate the talent and melodies, say he doesn’t like it, make a few jokes about anime nerds and slamming them into lockers, and move on. While still honoring the “pick an album that you enjoy” rule, I went deeper. I remembered finding a band a couple years back called Dragon Guardian and was instantly sold when I heard their album “Distiny of the Sacred Kingdom.” That’s not a typo; that’s how deep we’re going right now. I’ll admit I have not explored Dragon Guardian’s full discography, so I cannot expand upon the evolution of the band, but at some point they went from standard J-power to straight up anime metal. Now, you may be asking “aren’t those the same thing?” I wouldn’t blame you for thinking that, but I’m assuming most of you have not experienced anything on this level of pure weebiness. The worst of the Italian symphonic bands don’t even come close to this level of cheese. I chose this album for three reasons. First, the album cover is the most weeaboo album cover I’ve ever encountered. Second, the band includes horrible Japanese voice acting in the vein of your favorite bad anime. THERE ARE FIGHT SCENES WHERE THEY YELL AND SWORDS CLASH. There are multiple characters having conversations over the background music, ranging from ultra serious overacting to silly moments that I assume people would find entertaining or fun if they understood the language? Third, the guitarwork on this album is still a lot of fun, albeit dramatically reduced in presence since Distiny (I’ll never grow tired of typing that.) If you think you have an iron stomach for cheesy metal, I challenge you to sit through this whole album. I’m still stunned that Joe made it through this entire album without committing seppuku. Randall Thor

Mother FUCKER. Why, God, WHY? After I flushed Traveller I knew that my next meeting with Randall would be a slobberknocker, but I never expected it to be this awful. This abomination begins with cartoon women jibber jabbering away about something or other. I’d love to tell you what they’re talking about but I don’t FUCKING SPEAK JAPANESE (and neither does Randall!) Record Swap rules prevent me from getting any additional information about this band beyond the music and the cover art, but judging from the pre-pubescent appearance of the anime creatures on the cover of this record, it’s dialog would get you disgusting weebs arrested in all 50 states.

Story time kids: Do you want to know why I hate anime? Internet culture makes it easy to understand now, but I’m just old enough to have a few awful experiences without the Internet as a guide. When I was 12, I picked up a VHS tape of Akira from a flea market and was blown away. So much so, that I made my old-school cowboy stepfather drive me to Dallas to go to an anime convention shortly thereafter. Under his patient and judging gaze I watched adults cosplay as Nipponese children and sneak away to the hentai viewing theaters. Aside from getting to play a demo of Final Fantasy 8 and purchasing a robot model kit, it was a pretty horrific experience.

The first real song on Cyushingurakitoden, “Itsunohinika,” begins with the same riff used in every power metal song ever made, except with some traditional Japanese instrumentation in the background. A woman sings in Japanese. It sounds like the theme song to a cartoon about a magic witch with a cursed vagina. It is at this moment I realize that power metal and anime music are separated only by language and I somehow loathe both things just a little bit more.

The next track has the decency to use a minor key. There’s even a hint of harsh vocals in the background of the chorus. The rest of it is completely unremarkable. “Eien no ningun” begins with a gnarly pickscrape into a riff that would ALMOST lead you to believe that you were listening to a metal record, rather than a soundtrack for grown men who beat off to cartoon characters. “Utage” is another LONG conversation between enchanted anime girls and some fucking creep dude anime character. I have no idea what they discuss because, again, I don’t fucking speak Japanese. “Kessen Uchiri” is nine and a half minutes long because OF COURSE IT IS. The record mercifully winds down with “Kanzashi”, which if I close my eyes and pretend really hard, could be a boss theme in a decent PSX JRPG that I’ve long since forgotten.

Imagine the shame in your grandparent’s eyes if you told them that you, a grown man, spent your free time listening to the soundtracks to hyper-sexualized cartoons meant for Japanese children. If he had to do it all over again, would your grandfather watch his buddies die face-down in the trenches of WWII, just for you to argue about your waifus with other socially inept adults on the Internet? I’d rather have someone walk in on me watching porn than listening to this album. Consider this album flushed with extreme prejudice. — Joe


Randall’s Assignment: Racetraitor – Burn the Idol of the White Messiah (1998)

Race traitor

If you’re a fan of Pantera, brutal breakdowns, and kids with their hearts in the right place (regardless of how seriously misguided they may be), you might just dig Racetraitor. I know for a fact that Randall Thorr is a fan of precisely none of those things, so this will be fun. Let’s just get this out of the way: “Racetraitor” is a derogatory term used by racist morons to describe a white person that is somehow a “traitor” to their race by dating a non-white person. Racetraitor, the band, was a late-90s metallic hardcore unit with some mega leftist ideological views. If you think my political diatribes are annoying, holy hell, you are not prepared for this. Occasionally sharing members with the notorious Vegan Reich, Racetraitor was a hardline vegan straightedge unit that would derisively call their audience “crackers”. For those unfamiliar, “hardline” is lifestyle that seems to appeal far more to backwards religious extremists than it does vaguely leftist kids that don’t want to do drugs. This band’s views were so progressive that they were somehow completely fucking backwards. Keeping this in mind, it somehow makes sense that their sole LP, Burn the Idol of the White Messiah, has just as many pinch harmonics as your favorite Cowboys from Hell. FUN FACT: Andy Hurley and (occasionally) Pete Wentz of Fallout Boy were in Racetraitor, which made it really strange to see them on Ryan fuckin’ Seacrest’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve this year. Good luck with the whole establishing anarcho-primitivism thing, guys. And thanks for “Hope Kills Fear“. I have CRUSHED some deadlifts to that song, bro. Joe

When I saw the band name and album title, I had to have Joe assure me this wasn’t some kind of racist or Nazi band. So that’s a good start! Although I do prefer to let the music speak for itself, especially in extreme metal, it is always comforting to know that the band is just screaming about murdering people for fun or Satan, and not for the color of their skin or nationality. I also knew Joe was going to show absolutely no mercy in his selection, so I steeled myself for an onslaught of breakdowns and mosh riffs. I didn’t get quite what I expected.

Racetraitor are certainly intense. They can riff with the hardest of slam bands, and the vocals are the definition of raw fury. It sounds like a competent mix of Neurosis‘s Pain of Mind with your average slam band. There’s nothing I hate about this album, and at times I found myself nodding in enjoyment to a riff or breakdown. The album starts off with dominating force in the tracks “Curse” and “Dar-al Harb,” and finds that energy again in “Broken Dust.” The main issue is that, outside of the interludes, nothing in this album stands out to me. Perhaps if I had more time to actively listen and explore this album, I may have liked it more. As of writing, I can’t find anything here to grasp onto. The muddy production, which I’ve experienced in the few slam bands I do enjoy, seems to hurt this album more than help it. The guitars never disappoint, but never impress. The drums are very standard, nothing outstanding. I can’t hear the bass, but I don’t expect to in this genre.

This album makes me question my knowledge and appreciation of slam/hardcore. Am I the one missing something? Is this a great album that I just am not educated enough in the ways of smashing bricks into my face to enjoy? Do I need to lift more to get into this? Maybe slam a nerd into a locker? I’m really not sure. I even listened to Devourment’s Molesting the Decapitated today to double check and, yes, I still love that album, so it’s not just the genre. Is Joe such an enthusiast that this is enjoyable to him, but not to a casual like myself? I submit myself to the possibility of being a poser, and admit that this album is simply ‘good’ to my ears. — Randall


There were no survivors.

Want to get involved in Record Swap? Email me at toiletovhellwhiff@gmail.com.

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Published on: January 15, 2016

Filled Under: Record Swap

Views: 1642

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  • Salvador Dalí Lama

    Joe former weeb confirmed! I bet Dubya is a secret weeb as well!

    https://c1.staticflickr.com/3/2316/2397452181_d39d1fda09_b.jpg

  • BLACKBEARD UNFILTERED

    OT i just worked on the local owner of Chik Fil As car. This guy was the definition of everything i hate about christians. Starting with him saying “im rollin!” When i asked him how he was doing. He quit with his fake ‘im hip and cool’ christian affectations when he realized i wasnt impressed. This guy made my skin crawl

    • BLACKBEARD UNFILTERED

      He was also listening to right wing hate radio

      • Also not necesarily Christian

        • Vault Dweller

          Oh no no, there we disagree; that’s explicitly Christian!

          Remember, as Jesus said in Corinthians 13:10
          “And lo, let the silky voice of Rush
          Serenade you ’til you must beat darkies to mush.
          Read my lips, no taxes, no tips
          Only boot straps, labor, plantation whips.

          And when you think your joy can rise no more,
          Take a trip to a clinic and call those women whores.
          Follow my guide and an ideal christian you will make,
          Love for god, Hate in your heart, thus Jesus spake.”

        • BLACKBEARD UNFILTERED

          Im getting a distinct whiff of christian from you rt

          • I’m getting a distinct vibe of neckbeard from you

          • BLACKBEARD UNFILTERED

            Lol

    • None of those things have to do with being a Christian?

      • BLACKBEARD UNFILTERED

        Riiiiiight

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      Duuuuuuuude.

    • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

      ie..rollin with jeebus?

    • CyberneticOrganism

      “The only thing you kids need to “get down” with is our Lord and Savior”

      • BLACKBEARD UNFILTERED

        Of course CO gets it

    • that was YOU?

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        i get it

        • this guy… gets it…
          (that album rules BTW)

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            rules hard…thx bruh

    • Ugh.

  • Arhys

  • NO ANIME

  • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

    Metal is freedom dude, I’m a “hardline vegan straightedge fan”. Wow let me attempt to sort all this out: no to meat, drugs, alcohol, tobacco but yes to breakdowns and shirtless homoerotic wrestling in sweaty mosh pits in dudes basements? How am I doing so far?

    • Some of those dudes were anti-abortion and anti-gay. So basically “really enlightened” kids that would fit right at home with FOX News.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Political views are a flat circle. Go far enough to the left and you find yourself on the right.

        http://www.newton64.ca/images/TheMoreYouKnow.gif

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        WOW….I’m thinking a tad uptight as well = recipe for a really shitty night unless you fit the profile.

    • I’ve attended many a show that was frequented by these types and they also moshed harder than anyone else. For the most part, the majority of folks I encountered on the dance floor would always pick you up if you fell down.

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        Fair enough. I stand corrected. Contempt prior to investigation is a very limiting ethos!

  • Boss the Stoutdrinker Ross

    Joe just ripped that album a new asshole and it was glorious.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      asshoru

      • Boss the Stoutdrinker Ross

        HAHA!

      • Eliza

        XD

  • Toilet logic:

    Album that is a guy scraping a spoon on a chalkboard for 45 minutes while throwing effects on top of it and calling it harsh noise: 4/5

    Album with melodies, harmonies, trained singing, a story and full cast of characters: 0/5 WHAT IS THIS HYPER SEXUALIZED WEEB SHIT.

    • >Story and full cast of characters.
      IT’S ALL IN JAPANESE, WHICH YOU DO NOT SPEAK. For all you know, this amazing story and cast of characters is about magical fairies on a quest for ethnic cleansing.

      • At least it’s a story?

      • Eliza

        I just noticed the Fallout Boy tag. XD

        • The next time you hear Fallout Boy, remember they formed from the ashes of Racetraitor. It’s such a weird thing to think about.

          • Waynecro

            A paradigm somewhere shifted suddenly. My mind is fucking blown.

          • Eliza

            It really is. How did this even happen?

          • I have no idea how those xVx weirdos became such a massive band. Makes no sense!

          • Eliza

            They radically changed their style so that every teenage girl would love them. Still, I can’t figure out how the same people can create such vastly different music.

    • Arhys

      That cover doesn’t help.

    • ChuggaChuggaDeedleyDoo

      Would your opinion change if the spoon scraping music had lyrics about dragons n’ shit?

    • Stockhausen

      I was just arguing with a guy on YouTube (terrible start to a story, I know) about the merits of Pierre Boulez versus the “old masters.” He would have a heart attack if I mentioned harsh noise or even power electronics.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Correct.

    • Lacertilian

      Lizard Logic: Both 0/5.

    • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

      Yes, because Good Music = 4/5
      Utter Bullshit 0/5

  • ChuggaChuggaDeedleyDoo

    Didn’t we have a “no anime” rule around here?

  • if there was an award for metal blog excellence, TovH would take the trophy after this article.

    “If you think my political diatribes are annoying”… no Joe, they’re the best. in fact i kind of like it when you get mad (love you)

    • So what you’re saying is we need more weeb metal?

      • Eliza

        No, no, no. I love metal and I enjoy anime, by they need to stay as far from each other as possible.

    • Mad Joe is a fun Joe.

  • Shrimp in a Pizza Box

    ” If you think my political diatribes are annoying”
    Do people actually send you hate mail because of those articles?

    • Nah. I’ve said some pretty suspect shit but so far no one’s sent me any hate mail.

      • ChuggaChuggaDeedleyDoo

        But if and when you do start getting hatemail, you’ll know you’ve become a big time metal blogger

      • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

        Brb, sending you hate mail rn.

    • steel panther e-mailed him:
      “hey man, why you gotta be hatin’? we’re just havin’ fun! relax, hombre”

      • Shrimp in a Pizza Box

        IT’S JUST A PRANK BRO

        • WE WILL ALWAYS TRICK YOU

          • BLACKBEARD UNFILTERED

            I thought about ordering that vinyl

          • Of what?

          • BLACKBEARD UNFILTERED

            OMG

  • Stockhausen

    “Man, this anime metal album looks terrible. I’ll listen for the laughs. Wow, she’s really talking a lot. What could possibly take this long to say. Alright, here’s the first song. Getting going now, I–AAAAHHHHHH STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP WHY WHY WHY WHY”
    *punches computer and throw it across classroom*
    *runs to the lunchroom, grabs a sixth grader by the leg*
    *runs back to room, uses terrified sixth grader to smash computer to a smoldering mess*
    “GO FORTH, YOUNG CHILD, AND SPEAK OF RANDALL THOR’S ATROCITIES TO NO ONE, THAT WE MAY BURY THIS ABOMINATION IN THE CREEPING AVALANCHE OF TIME!”

    • EsusMoose

      You don’t like symphonic metal vocals in another language singing about fucking hyper-sexualized japanese dragons?

      • Shrimp in a Pizza Box

        If I hadn’t been on the internet as long as I have I’d ask how someone would go about hyper-sexualixing a dragon.

        • Eliza

          It is a thing:

      • Stockhausen

        Not publicly.

    • This makes me feel warm inside

  • For the first time…

    Thanks to Venezuela for our crazy unexpected restrictions.

  • Guacamole Jim
    • I’m an anime master!

    • Eliza

      I got “Super clicker badge”. Whatever.

  • Eliza

    I thought I have some tolerance for extreme weeb shit, but that Dragon Guardian band is too much for me. I don’t think I’ll be able to go near anything resembling anime for a long, long time.

    • El Jefe Ross

      Damn, you know its bad when the self proclaimed metalhead/anime liker says it is.

      • Eliza

        That thing is not “bad”, it ATROCIOUS.

        • El Jefe Ross

          Haha!

    • QEPD randall thor’s feels

      • Papa Joe said show no mercy. I even consulted with my fellow weebs. We all agreed, this is the weenies album in existence.

        • Eliza

          Well then, I guess you did the best you could possibly do. You and Joe must do another record swap.

        • Hammerdong Von Spookypoop

          Yep! I honestly can’t think of another band more weebie than DG, unless you cut out the metal and start putting on Kawaii. Korean pop is even worse. That’s where I draw the line, as much as my best friend’s tried getting me into it.

    • It does contain those obnoxious high-pitched girl japanese voices in the dialogues?

    • Hammerdong Von Spookypoop

      Yep! I love power metal, j-metal and anime, but the cheese factor is pretty high with them. That and they went the Rhapsody route and started putting in shitloads of pointless interludes and dialogue.

  • Joe’s review – dying. And I need to revist Racetraitor because I only vaguely remember them from back in the day.

    • Their politics are beyond stupid, but the riffs still crush!

      • Hammerdong Von Spookypoop

        Wow, just that name alone makes me think they’re a Skrewdriver tribute band or something.

  • Are all the girls on that album cover 10 yrs old?

    • Eliza

      I’d like to think not, but probably yes.

    • Probably like 14

  • I find both these selections equally annoying for totally different reasons.

  • I just saw the XVEGANX tag. Dead. I even edited this post last night and didn’t see it. Fantastic work Joe

  • SILENCE THE WEEB

  • Waynecro

    A person can enjoy both slamming bricks into his or her face and watching anime. For example, last night, I blasted Writhe while lifting so hard I passed out for a minute; then I watched a few episodes of Gintama before bed. And sometimes I listen to Dragon Guardian while I cardio. I’m a sucker for absurd guitar work and sweet melodies. I REGRET NOTHING!!!

    • Eliza

      I agree about being able to enjoy multiple things, but the Dragon Guardian album here is horrible.

      • Waynecro

        The newest Dragon Guardian album is better. I mean, you still have to skip over a bunch of skits or whatever, but that’s not much different from, say, skipping long-ass horror-movie samples in Mortician songs.

        • Eliza

          I believe you and I don’t want you to get upset, but I don’t care.

          • Waynecro

            I wouldn’t get upset about something as absurd as Dragon Guardian.

          • Eliza

            That’s very good.:)

          • Waynecro

            I kind of like DG, but I am fully aware of how wacky the band is. In fact, I think I heard about DG from one of my company’s analysts. He goes to Japan a lot and sends me videos of zany stuff he discovers while he’s there.

          • Eliza

            That must be really fun.

          • Waynecro

            He seems to enjoy it. Have you ever heard Imaginary Flying Machines? It’s melodic-death-metal covers of the songs from Miyazaki’s movies. Some of the folks from Blood Stain Child, Disarmonia Mundi, and Living Corpse are involved. Some of the songs are pretty great, I think.

          • Eliza

            Never heard of them, but the description doesn’t sound bad.

          • Waynecro

            Some of the songs were really strong to begin with, so the melodeath versions work very well.

    • That Distiny album is fantastic!

      • Eliza

        “Distiny” never fails to get a giggle out of me.

      • Waynecro

        The DG album that came out in 2015 has a few really good songs. They boost my fighting spirit when I’m running uphill.

  • Ted Nü-Djent ™

    Bullet dodged

    • I can help you find Dragon Guardian

      • Punchydong The Hammerpoop

        Lol, you are cruel as hell sending him Dragon Guardian to review! I loves me some DG, but that band is pretty much the bane of Joe’s existence, right up there with Steel Panther and InfantMetal.

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        Halp

  • tigeraid

    This may be the greatest post in the history of the Toilet.

  • This was a fun read guys.

  • Count_Breznak

    “power metal and anime music are separated only by language”
    Im stealing this.

  • Punchydong The Hammerpoop

    Loves me some Dragon Guardian, so Randall has my vote on this one! Still gotta ask why you hate Joe so much that you sent him this, though!