How to be Really Cool and Kvlt and Tuff on the Internet

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lol u nerd

Are you familiar with Recluse? I wasn’t either because I am a big lame poser nerd. Fortunately, I got hip to the tr00 underground thanks to the TOTALLY SIQQ opinions the band has been throwing around on the Internet (Which is on a computer. Which, according to the band, is for uncool people. There’s a little cognitive dissonance there but I’ll just shake it off because I want them to notice me, senpai).

A couple of months back the band really showed the Internet just how #hard they could be by posting some #edgy thoughts in the form of a picture on Facebook that they created using a Gothic typeface in Microsoft Word (take notes here if you want to be kvlt). In this short and hate slur-laden manifesto, Recluse let it be known that they refuse to make their music available for streaming online because [Note to self: try to find a way to make sense of their stupid bullshit]. In short, only the trvest may listen to the band’s music and ONLY by purchasing it on outdated physical media. Got it.

Fast forward to last night when the band carefully addressed fans that had purchased their music on outdated physical media but had yet to receive these musical gems. Screenshots are below if you wish to take a lesson in BADASS 101. 

nerds

Customer Service

nerds

This vegan black metal blog doesn’t give a fuck about your cassette.

nerds

smdh

I am of course just kidding. The amount of try-hard coming from the band and their sycophantic nerd fans makes me feel a little bad for everyone involved. Then I remember that the band lists their genre as “HATE” and their interests include “MURDER” and then I laugh myself to tears.

Go find them on Facebook if you wanna say a bunch of swear words in agreement with them so they’ll know you’re cool too. I’d include a link but that would be for POSERS.

edgy brah

(Photo VIA)

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  • Janitor Jim Dvggan

    I hate this crap. Why bother trying to be edgy and kvlt when you are obviously neither of the two? I’m sure these people are just hipsters who want to look cool.

    • W.

      I don’t think these are hipsters. These are just the same neanderthals who have always clung to the fringes of metal because they lack social skills.

      • Janitor Jim Dvggan

        This band sounds like a shitty band and the people who like them are just idiots who think being edgy and kvlt makes you more of a person. I’m happy that there are no people here that are like that.

  • Tyree

    Recluse deleted the comment, just so every one knows. Sorry that you won’t be able to read the rest of the sophisticated comments written by sophisticated people.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      I liked the comments in the screenshot above but it is a shame I can’t read the other comments. I would have enjoyed more comments from the people making fun of the hipsters who pretend to like black metal.

    • Mr.CustodialArts

      That’s the fuckin’ worst-STAND BY YOUR DOUCHERY.

      • Maybe they learned how to be decent human beings in the meantime?
        #optimism

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan

          They should learn that including murder as an interest and calling your genre hate is just immature. They need to grow up and stop acting like edgy teenagers.

          • Keegan Lavern Still

            As long as they have those fans that’ll go to the ends of the earth to kiss their asses and lick their combat boots, that’ll never happen.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            Their fans are probably just as bad as the band they love. The band and their fans are most likely immature, basement dwelling neckbeard virgins who probably refuse to get jobs and decide to live off their parents. I hate the kind of people who thinks it’s fine to live off someone else.

          • Death

            Why you have to attack the neckbeard virgins?

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            I feel that it isn’t done enough here. I may be 19 but I am at least trying to find employment so I can move out of my parent’s house by the time I am 21.

          • Death

            So not a single virgin neckbeard goes to work?

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            I can’t guarantee that is true but I am sure a lot of them don’t. There may be exceptions to what I’ve said but I wouldn’t know any.

          • Death

            I’ll put you on my list of mean bully people.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            I’m not actually a mean guy. I despise bullies and if you knew me personally you would know that I am a very nice guy. I feel bad for my making fun of the people I made fun of. It wasn’t really fair to them and they did nothing to deserve it. I apologize to anyone I may have offended.

          • Death

            Tough titty.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            What does that even mean? I’m confused as to what this has to do with anything I said.

          • Death

            You don’t know what it means? Well, tough titty.

          • here’s a video for Janitor Jim Dvggan:
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRitln7HCuM

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu
          • W.

            Most adorable metal album of the year.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            Pancakes was actually a good song, I almost bought the whole thing. But then I recalled I mvst stay trve and left the bvilding.

          • W.

            I actually bought it.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            Your trveness does not decrease because of this. Because Bald=Untrve. So Have no Fear, Have a Bear, or Beer whatever

          • W.
          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            Where cah I get one, a mvst have

          • W.
          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            I must have no eyes. I completely missed the link right above the shirt…

          • Tyree

            I want dis. I’ve seen this from something before though.

          • W.

            Mac wears it in Always Sunny

          • Tyree

            Boom.

          • The Black Dahlia Burger
          • ooh, great album!!

          • Death

            He probably likes this song a lot.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            You know what song you like a lot? This one.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WKNOlDtZluU

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            You didn’t see any of my posts apologizing for what I said or any of the statements I made that say I despise bullies did you?

          • you haven’t see any of my posts in which i give people a hard time?

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            I see. I wouldn’t have realized that.

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

            I find the absence of slagging off virgins and neckbeards one of the many pluses of this site.

          • W.

            The only people we really pick on here are hateful idiots like the people in this post.

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

            Which is as it should be.

          • ^^^^^

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            I love that there is none of those people here. I don’t really like making fun of people who don’t deserve it. This band definitely deserves to be made fun of.

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

            I can honestly say that I don’t care even a little whether someone is a neckbeard or a hipster or a poser or a basement dwelling virgin or any of of these stock internet focuses of disdain. I just care if someone is a pleasant person, fun to get on with, knowledgeable about what they choose to talk about, etc.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            People love me because I’m a very nice guy, I’m funny and I know a lot. I don’t really make fun of anybody and I try to stay out of people’s drama. I don’t like having to say bad things about anybody but sometimes people deserve it because they are truly mean or some other thing that makes me have to say something bad about them. This band deserves to be made fun of. The people who are internet stereotypes don’t deserve it unless they are trying to hurt people with their mean comments or are being generally unpleasant and all around mean.

          • KJM

            This band and their fans deserve to be shamed off the internet.

          • KJM

            Don’t freak out if you don’t. The economy is for shit no matter what anyone tries to sell you. Also, FUCK COLLEGE, LEARN A TRADE.

          • crazytaco_12

            Tech college? (insert Jack Bauer Archspire related joke here)

          • KJM

            Tech Death 101

          • W.

            Actually, this is sound advice. College isn’t for anyone, and a lot of kids would be better off learning useful skills in something like HVAC.

          • KJM

            Advice given to me long ago by 2 different friends who are retired teachers. They both said going to College in order to get degrees and good jobs afterwards is the worst reason to go.

          • KJM

            And then they have the nerve to call other people “entitled” because others believe their money is worth something.

        • Stockhausen

          That’s about as likely as me playing by someone’s rules other than my own. I play by no ones rules. Not even my own.

        • Pagliacci is Kvlt

          Post the article on their FB, maybe they’ll get back to us and let us know.

          • Guacamole Jim

            I was kinda hoping they’d have a chance to see it as well.

    • damn… was hoping for a cameo appearance by someone from the band to come here and yell at us

      • Edward Meehan

        Don’t rule that out as a possibility!

        • Due to the language filters I put on the comments it’s unlikely we’ll see any of them. They don’t seem capable of communicating without homophobic slurs.

          • Stockhausen

            It would be like putting up a brick wall and watching them run face first into it over and over and over.

    • I’m just happy we have screenshots of it here in the Terlet, so the internet may forever know of their badassness.

    • Scrimm

      Damn, my day is now ruined.

    • Edward Meehan

      I should mention, even though I agree with everyone and I think this is absurd, I do respect Phil McSorley for being both a combat veteran and a member of the U.S. armed forces.

    • Gurp

      That picture Joe mentioned is still up, though.

      • Tyree

        Yeah, well at least they are proud of that.

      • Edward Meehan

        Phil McSorley has done interviews, which appeared online, about Recluse.

        *face palm*

        http://www.decibelmagazine.com/featured/cobalts-phil-mcsorley-moves-on-to-the-hateful-underworld-of-recluse/

        • Tyree

          I’ve read this before. I’m sure Kim Kelly had the same face to palms reaction too.

        • Howard Dean

          I feel slightly clairvoyant. Were we not just talking about how shitty and try-hard Recluse is like two weeks ago? HD knows his shit; can tell the future. This is crazy.

        • Gurp

          Eugh. I feel slimy after reading that.

      • “Even still, there are countless fagg0ts among the wolves.”
        Respect earned, Recluse. :/

        • Gurp

          Nothing but class.

      • The Black Dahlia Burger

        The noose looks like shit in their logo and the cross on the right is literally just a plus.

        • Gurp

          They probably doodled that shit themselves.

  • Bob Saget

    Prince Turd of Hump Ridge is smiling gleefully in his basement.

  • Edward Meehan

    Sad, cause Cobalt.

    • Silas Ohlgren

      Yeah, what the fuck happened.

      • Edward Meehan

        Erik Wunder should just take over vocal responsibilities, he plays all the instruments anyways.

        • SMOHLG

          Have always been behind Cobalt and what they do, but this whole Recluse thing bugs me. Not that they would give a shit.

          • Edward Meehan

            I was going to post something to the effect of, I wonder if this will affect the possible rumored Cobalt album, or what people will think of it? I will always love Eater of Birds and Gin. Always. I guess it’s kinda like Howard Dean’s Kvlt of Personality post about racists.

  • Death

    Oh man, I sure would love it if these guys wrote a book. It would probably be really enlightening.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      What would the book be called? I think it would be called You’re All Gay Posers: Why We Are Better Than You.

      • Gurp

        Foreword by Trve Kvlt the Non-Fag

  • Bob Saget

    My deathcore band, Suffo-Kate & Ashley, is releasing our new EP on October 31st, the most evil of days.

    The effort will be on reel-to-reel and limited to 66 copies. Each copy will be $2 and you have to come to my house to pick it up, because shipping is for neckbearded posers.

    Homophobic slurs not included.

    • Stockhausen

      Save 666 out of the 66 copies for me. I’ll pay you $6.66, but I demand change. I mean, chvnge.

      • Bob Saget

        The only change you need is to stop listening to untrve deathcore.

        HAIL OCEANO!!!

        • Stockhausen

          VCVVNV!!!!

    • DEAD @ Suffo-Kate & Ashley

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      Why didn’t you put it on wax cylinders as well? I would buy if it was on wax cylinder.

    • Can I get homophobic slurs in my copy if I pay extra?

      • Bob Saget

        Sure. We have no online presence, so add a note in your snail-mail.

        I’ll whisper them into your ear when you arrive to pick it up.

      • Cock ov Steele

        ENTITLED-ASS LIVELOVER

    • okay, i’ll come to your house… but will there be any room for me?

    • Guppusmaximus

      Will you offer official Suffo-Kate & Ashley tape splicing kits for that 30 year old BASF reel when the tape canoes or fucking snaps?

      • Janitor Jim Dvggan

        I’m sure he will. If he doesn’t he’ll probably get it pressed on 8 track or some other forgotten audio format. If he makes a concert video though he should put it on CED. Don’t know what those are? Here is some info on those for those who don’t know.

        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Capacitance_Electronic_Disc

        • Guppusmaximus

          Fuck that, I want the concert on 8mm reels so I can get confused and try to play them on my Reel-to-Reel & vice versa…

    • SMOHLG

      I’d like mine soaked in blood plz and thank you

  • Stockhausen

    Joe thrashes and kills with the best of ’em. Now I can be s00pr tuff!!1!

  • Guacamole Jim

    I kinda want to follow them on facebook now just for the lolbuttz.

  • Keegan Lavern Still

    I’d make a comment about how I almost bought their cassette from Graceless Recordings with the Lycus demo in a “fuck it, why not?” moment, but I feel that would validate these douchenozzles’ petty kvlter-than-thou bullshit, so I won’t.

    • Guacamole Jim

      Solid choice, but how will you keep your Kvlt Kard? I didn’t purchase their cassette, but successfully defended my right to keep my Kard by showing them recordings I made from the time I galloped out to a wooded glen and carved dicks into a log while howling satanic slurs at the moon.

      • Keegan Lavern Still

        Sadly, I lost any chance in keeping it when I decided to cut off my long hair and get the shaved-side hipster haircut. I may be able I reapply for it once I go completely shaved, but it’s a lost cause at the moment.

        • W.

          I’m bald, so I’ll just tell you now. No kvlt kard for being shaven.

          • Keegan Lavern Still

            … *sob*

          • W.

            But if you can catch the sunlight at the right angle, the sheen from your scalp can be used to blind your enemies.

  • Stockhausen

    Side note: the first 100 copies of this came with actual human blood on it, along with a defaced page ripped out if the Torah. I am not making that vp, these guys are svper tvff and vdgy.

    • Keegan Lavern Still

      Just reading that gave me paper cuts from how edgy it is. It stings really super bad.

    • Tyree

      I read that as “super tvff and veggie”. Recluse want you to eat your vegetables. Stay Veggie.

      • Stockhausen

        CVCVMBER IST KRIEG.

        • W.

          MOAR CAULIFLOWER!

          • Death

            I FUCKING LOVE CAULIFLOWER!

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            CAVLIFLOWER!

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan

          Cvcvmber or nothing!

        • Elite Extremophile

          DER KVKVMBËR IST SEHR KVLT

    • IronLawnmower

      Eh human blood? Such an overdone gimmick. Semen on the other hand…

      • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

        …and urine on the other.

        • IronLawnmower

          Recipe for a good time.

  • Gurp

    I like how they’ve managed to take someone who hasn’t gotten what they paid money for and then ridicule them as some sort of misconstrued hipster/vegan/Social Justice Warrior.

    • “Hey there loyal paying customers, shut the fuck up and stop being faggots! You shouldn’t expect to get a product you paid for in a timely manner, so fuck off!”

      Love, Recluse

      • Cock ov Steele

        “I was one of those who complained about the wait, but hey yeah fuck those entitled spoiled ass brats, I bet they lived with mommy and daddy in a big mansion cuz I’m tuff and listen to tuff music and I don’t do that rich people stuff man! Duz Recluse think I’m cool now?”

      • Elite Extremophile

        I feel like they would say “Hate, Recluse”given how edgy and trve they are

    • Keegan Lavern Still

      The victim-blaming is unlike anything I’ve ever seen.

      • Gurp

        Undoubtedly the sort of classy gents who would rape a woman and then blame her for wearing a low-cut shirt or short skirt.

    • crazytaco_12

      Haha exactly what I was thinking. It’s ridiculous, if someone invested money into your shit, they have a right to know what’s going on. There could have been lost in the mail, could be held up in production, the fan doesn’t know what’s going on. I can’t imagine someone freaked out because they didn’t get their shit (but I’m only basing this off of how I handle online transactions, so I know it’s possible).

      • Gurp

        Apparently they’re signed to a label, too. If that’s how they treat people who pay them for their recordings I wonder how they treat the people who let them record.

  • Gurp

    Also, according to Metal-Archives the band members are in their thirties. Cringe.

    • Ooooof.

      • Gurp

        Which is exactly twice as old as I was expecting.

    • IronLawnmower

      Surprisingly enough the trend seems to be the older dudes in bands are the worse they seem to be at social media.

      • Janitor Jim Dvggan

        Agreed. Look at David Draiman, he doesn’t ever say things without capital letters when it comes to Twitter. Does he not know how to turn off caps lock?

        • IronLawnmower

          MAYBE HE THINKS IT HELPS GET HIS POINT ACROSS ???

        • Elite Extremophile

          I sure hope he doesn’t.

  • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

    I like the way he thinks, “Fuck off man, of course it’s gonna take two weeks. It costs three dollars you idiot, anything that costs that much must take it’s time. If you expect to get what you paid for and in time you are not TRVE enough. F YOU”

    • Guacamole Jim

      I expected the cassettes would cost…. about tree fiddy.

      • W.

        You get over here you Loch Ness monster!

  • Leif Bearikson

    If you listen closely, and they shut the hell for long enough, you can actually hear their knuckles dragging.

  • FeelTheDarkness

    Nothing like trying too hard

  • Looking forward to reading the Recluse interview on toiletovhell.com

    • SMOHLG

      It will be conducted via smoke signals, cuz only posers use and modern form of communication.

    • They should just get rid of their Facebook and start sending out mailers. That sounds the trvest. Or they could set up amateur radio band.

      GL

  • IronLawnmower

    Living up to their name I guess.

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    i like it when “ordinary” people fight amongst each other on the internet–signs of growth and true thought

    —-

    time to turn the “judgement” on the lying hypocrites who do the actual “stupid bullshit”—

    usually theyre too cowardly to talk shit—and usually theyre smiling or acting self righteous..

    fuck THESE motherfuckers

    (listen to pig destroyer…while watching the news clip)(also ,,,the pig destroyer cover art –is the best visual –to come out in music–amazing)
    —————–
    news anchorpeople
    http://youtu.be/DasUINkAedk

    pig destroyer – red tar
    http://youtu.be/M4C5Yy-s15o

    • All hail the prophet zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, for he hath spoken!

      • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

        I AM THE MESSIAH!!!!

        i am the first human in all time—to declare this on the internet

  • KJM

    When my Blood Ceremony t-shirt took longer than 2 weeks to show up and I emailed about it, you know what happened?

    Sean Kennedy, the guitarist, e-mailed me personally, was very apologetic, and promised I would get it in a week. Sure enough, I did.

    Paying customers are always right, even when they are wrong.

    • Stockhausen

      What a guy! I bet you wanted to keep supporting them.

      • KJM

        I did, and I do.

  • David Vincent’s Spandex Shirt

    Am I being out-morbided?

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    You know what recluse is really kvlt? The recluse spider, their venom rots your skin. Dermonecrotic agent, honey-pie!

  • The facebook comments are great, what genre of music does this fit into? Is it some blackened whatever type stuff?

    • Pretty much. But from now on I’ll be referring to them as a metalcore band.

  • Wizard Aura

    A wise man once said: “Black metal is music made by pussies of the highest order…”

    • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

      All metal is pussy music, except for Pantera and KoRn.

  • Paris Hilton
  • Evan Clutson

    You guys know Recluse is the side project of the guy from Cobalt. And Cobalt is amazing.

    McSorely has PTSD and gets kind of crazy from time to time.

    • I knew about cobalt but not about the PTSD. That is a bummer man but I’m not sure what to make of it. Especially when his partner on this project seems like the biggest asshole ever.

  • TrickleDownTacoRiff

    Sounds like Blake Judd manages this band.

  • crazytaco_12

    This whole situation is hilarious to me, because it’s so contradictory. Guys like these always say “I make this music for me, fuck anybody else” yet they still release it and expect to get paid. Hell, even if you don’t expect to get paid, releasing music to the general public automatically means you give a shit about other people’s opinions, and overall, probably want them to like your music. If it’s so personal and only meant for you, might as well keep it to yourself then huh?

  • Man, if I hadn’t been working all day I’d have been all up in this comment-thread 🙁 When I saw the title of your article in my RSS feed I knew it was going to be fun. Nice one, Joe.

  • Old Man Hetfield

    FORGET THESE GUYS!!! THERE’S STILL PLENTY COPIES OF LULU!!!

    #DON’TMAKEMEBEG

  • Stockhausen

    FIRST