Today we’re going to answer the age old question of which days of the week are the best to take off work. Join us as we countdown the top 5 days to call in sick!
The boss should have known better. When you ticked the box marked “Willing to work Saturdays” on the job application you assumed it was just a means to weed out lazy pricks/prickesses. Then on Thursday, your manager asked you if you were coming in on Saturday. At first you had an internal laugh, “Saturday? Heh heh, good one”…he’s going to laugh in a second, tap you on the shoulder and say “Had you going for a second!”… He is still staring into your eyes, probing for reaction… Fuck, he’s good… You hold back a wry smirk. Ok, you can play along with this lunacy, “I’ll be in half an hour early” you exclaim. “Excellent” he says without a hint of jest. Knock-off time Friday afternoon arrives and on your way out he says “I’ll see you tomorrow morning”. How far is he going to take this bloody prank? Or was he actually serious? Either way, it’s your move now. It’s 8am Saturday morning, T-1hr. Time to play the ace up your sleeve, time to call in sick. By having the day off you’re succeeding at his test to see if you have a life. You don’t, of course, but you will call in sick regardless. Working Saturdays is bullshit anyway.
Ahh, Wednesday… “Hump day” as only the most hilarious of people say. That phrase will never get old; John has made you laugh hysterically every Wednesday morning for the last 14 years with it. So good! Definitely serves its purpose by quelling the constant depressing thoughts of perpetual monotony when he says it at the same time every single Wednesday. As exciting as it is to hear his dulcet tones echo that timeless gem forevermore, there’s one thing that’s even better. Calling in sick on Wednesdays! By doing so you essentially break the work-week into 2 much more bearable sections. Like having an intermission in that 3-hour film that she loves but you never want to re-watch, taking Wednesday off makes working the other 4 days seem somewhat tolerable. It doesn’t even matter what you do with your day. As long as you don’t go to work, you’re doing things right. Go on, try it. Next “Hump day” give yourself a mini-weekend, you’ve earned it!
The Monday sickie. Everybody knows it. It’s so obvious, that’s why it works. You’ve had a decent weekend, why spoil it by going to work on Monday? Who decided we should work 5 days and have just 2 to ourselves anyway? Surely 4:3 should be the ratio? Don’t be beholden to your corporate masters! Taking Monday off is practically a cultural institution. There’s a reason employers frown upon it more than other weekdays – it’s because it reminds them that at any time, the peons can band together and stage an uprising and revolt against the oppressive 5:2 system. The fact that everyone knows taking Monday off is taboo can be used to your advantage. Flip it around. Use the excuse – Do you really think I’d be that stupid to have Monday off if I wasn’t actually sick? Also, Monday is associated with a higher suicide rate than any other day (for obvious reasons) and committing suicide at work is just downright unfulfilling, so call in sick.
2. No Day
Contrary to what the history books say, universal consensus between economists suggests that the great depression was caused by sick days after WW1. Similarly, the recent Global Economic Crisis was due to a slight spike in days off. Do you really want to be held solely responsible for this immeasurable damage to the most fundamental element of humanity? Your life is finite; however your company’s work has the potential to be infinite, so sacrifice yourself and your time for the greater good. The great pyramids at Giza are testament to the no sick days rule. All 6 of the other ancient wonders of the world are gone. Both archaeologists and historians directly attribute this to the prevalence of the union movement that arose post-2500 B.C. These tragic losses of ancient relics are analogous to the large scale profit loss of multinational corporations in the modern age, all because their precious workers were “too tired,” “have been vomiting,” “sustained work-related spinal injuries,” “had my only daughter’s funeral today” and other such pitifully weak excuses. You’re better than that. The only way you can reach your full potential as a functional member of society is through your profession. For example, some of the greatest minds of all-time have work to thank for their profound genius and most important discoveries. Albert Einstein famously conceived his theory of special relativity whilst riding to work. Isaac Newton’s universal law of gravitation was devised whilst on a break from work outside in the ground’s garden. This is no coincidence; there’s simply no way they could have reached these conclusions outside of work. The exact same concept applies to you!
This is the ultimate commitment. Do the best thing for you, your spouse, your family, and by extension, your community. How do you expect to learn the sitar when you’re stuck at work doing yet another menial task for minimal pay? Is it even possible to try all the potential combinations of noodle seasoning in the minuscule time left in your life that remains after 50+ years of work? Let’s work it out. Say you work 40 hours a week, 48 weeks a year for 50 years, that’s 96,000 hours of not trying all the possible mix ratios of Chicken, Beef and Oriental seasoning for your ramen. Work has always stood in your way of becoming a world-renowned musician. All of your best riffs seem to be conceived in your head at work and by the time you get home from the drudgery, they’ve vanished. It’s already obvious that your job is stealing your time, and in essence your existence, but guess what? Your job is also stealing your best riffs. Fuck. That. Quit work. Drop out of life with bong in hand, follow the smoke to the riff-filled land.