Ranked: Top 5 Days To Call In Sick!

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Today we’re going to answer the age old question of which days of the week are the best to take off work. Join us as we countdown the top 5 days to call in sick!

5. Saturday

Hey-Hey-Saturday

The boss should have known better. When you ticked the box marked “Willing to work Saturdays” on the job application you assumed it was just a means to weed out lazy pricks/prickesses. Then on Thursday, your manager asked you if you were coming in on Saturday. At first you had an internal laugh, “Saturday? Heh heh, good one”…he’s going to laugh in a second, tap you on the shoulder and say “Had you going for a second!”… He is still staring into your eyes, probing for reaction… Fuck, he’s good… You hold back a wry smirk. Ok, you can play along with this lunacy, “I’ll be in half an hour early” you exclaim. “Excellent” he says without a hint of jest. Knock-off time Friday afternoon arrives and on your way out he says “I’ll see you tomorrow morning”. How far is he going to take this bloody prank? Or was he actually serious? Either way, it’s your move now. It’s 8am Saturday morning, T-1hr. Time to play the ace up your sleeve, time to call in sick. By having the day off you’re succeeding at his test to see if you have a life. You don’t, of course, but you will call in sick regardless. Working Saturdays is bullshit anyway.

4. Wednesday

Screen-Shot-2015-09-09-at-12.08.35-PM

Ahh, Wednesday… “Hump day” as only the most hilarious of people say. That phrase will never get old; John has made you laugh hysterically every Wednesday morning for the last 14 years with it. So good! Definitely serves its purpose by quelling the constant depressing thoughts of perpetual monotony when he says it at the same time every single Wednesday. As exciting as it is to hear his dulcet tones echo that timeless gem forevermore, there’s one thing that’s even better. Calling in sick on Wednesdays! By doing so you essentially break the work-week into 2 much more bearable sections. Like having an intermission in that 3-hour film that she loves but you never want to re-watch, taking Wednesday off makes working the other 4 days seem somewhat tolerable. It doesn’t even matter what you do with your day. As long as you don’t go to work, you’re doing things right. Go on, try it. Next “Hump day” give yourself a mini-weekend, you’ve earned it!

3. Monday

153478-Keep-Calm-And-Pretend-It-s-Not-Monday

The Monday sickie. Everybody knows it. It’s so obvious, that’s why it works. You’ve had a decent weekend, why spoil it by going to work on Monday? Who decided we should work 5 days and have just 2 to ourselves anyway? Surely 4:3 should be the ratio? Don’t be beholden to your corporate masters! Taking Monday off is practically a cultural institution. There’s a reason employers frown upon it more than other weekdays – it’s because it reminds them that at any time, the peons can band together and stage an uprising and revolt against the oppressive 5:2 system. The fact that everyone knows taking Monday off is taboo can be used to your advantage. Flip it around. Use the excuse – Do you really think I’d be that stupid to have Monday off if I wasn’t actually sick? Also, Monday is associated with a higher suicide rate than any other day (for obvious reasons) and committing suicide at work is just downright unfulfilling, so call in sick.

2. No Day

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Contrary to what the history books say, universal consensus between economists suggests that the great depression was caused by sick days after WW1. Similarly, the recent Global Economic Crisis was due to a slight spike in days off. Do you really want to be held solely responsible for this immeasurable damage to the most fundamental element of humanity? Your life is finite; however your company’s work has the potential to be infinite, so sacrifice yourself and your time for the greater good. The great pyramids at Giza are testament to the no sick days rule. All 6 of the other ancient wonders of the world are gone. Both archaeologists and historians directly attribute this to the prevalence of the union movement that arose post-2500 B.C. These tragic losses of ancient relics are analogous to the large scale profit loss of multinational corporations in the modern age, all because their precious workers were “too tired,” “have been vomiting,” “sustained work-related spinal injuries,” “had my only daughter’s funeral today” and other such pitifully weak excuses. You’re better than that. The only way you can reach your full potential as a functional member of society is through your profession. For example, some of the greatest minds of all-time have work to thank for their profound genius and most important discoveries. Albert Einstein famously conceived his theory of special relativity whilst riding to work. Isaac Newton’s universal law of gravitation was devised whilst on a break from work outside in the ground’s garden. This is no coincidence; there’s simply no way they could have reached these conclusions outside of work. The exact same concept applies to you!

1. Everyday

Fresh_ramen_noodle_001

This is the ultimate commitment.  Do the best thing for you, your spouse, your family, and by extension, your community. How do you expect to learn the sitar when you’re stuck at work doing yet another menial task for minimal pay? Is it even possible to try all the potential combinations of noodle seasoning in the minuscule time left in your life that remains after 50+ years of work? Let’s work it out. Say you work 40 hours a week, 48 weeks a year for 50 years, that’s 96,000 hours of not trying all the possible mix ratios of Chicken, Beef and Oriental seasoning for your ramen. Work has always stood in your way of becoming a world-renowned musician. All of your best riffs seem to be conceived in your head at work and by the time you get home from the drudgery, they’ve vanished. It’s already obvious that your job is stealing your time, and in essence your existence, but guess what? Your job is also stealing your best riffs. Fuck. That. Quit work. Drop out of life with bong in hand, follow the smoke to the riff-filled land.


(Image via, via, via, via , via, via)

 

  • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

    Hahaha! Well done LizardKing!

  • hieronymus bossk

    6. Dismiss other genres days

  • Vault Dweller

    Just picked up Dopesmoker 3 weeks ago.

    I’m no longer employed, but I’m happier *hack* and healthier *hork* than I’ve ever been!

    http://www.reactiongifs.us/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/thumbs_up_waynes_world.gif

  • Well I almost took a sick day today. Got a serious case of sour stomach; I blame the imperial stouts I had last night. Why you got to hurt me like that dark delicious beer? I can’t help that you taste so delicious. You hurt me every damn time, yet I still really like like you.

    • COAL ROLL

      try a 150 mg ranitidine before you hit the sheets next time, should wake up feeling groovy

    • RJA

      and a PB&J couldn’t fix it!?

      • It helped a little. Not as much as I wanted it too though. PB&J’s usually solve all my problems, not today.

        • Stanley

          Break out the potato chips.

  • “Only daughter’s funeral…”
    I peed.

  • COAL ROLL

    Keep taking those days off, and keep complaining about being broke. Peasants. CREAM

    • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

      Get the money, dolla dola bill yall

    • lol thinking wage slaves can take days off

      • COAL ROLL

        I blame the affluenza

    • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

      Lol you don’t get paid for sick days?

      • no sick days. only boot straps.

      • No sick days for me. I have to put in PTO. Fucking lame.

        • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

          Fuck man, that’s much much more than lame.

      • Vault Dweller

        I get 3 of those each year. Most folks I know here in the US don’t get any, though!

        Most people have to do what Tyree says down there; use their vacation time anytime they get sick.

      • COAL ROLL

        Of course I do. I just don’t take sick days because I’m not a pussy. I’ll take time off when I’m dead

        • Waynecro

          Showing up to work sick to infect annoying coworkers>>>>>

          • COAL ROLL

            I telecommute many days anyway

          • I’m the opposite, slight headache – Peace! That’s mainly because I don’t want to be there though.

        • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

          Getting paid for mooching has always seemed like a solid plan for me.

        • RJA

          I work in a family business – my Dad is the boss. I have to throw up in front of him and then maybe I can go home. It used to annoy me but now I pride myself on it.

        • those hours can be cashed in upon obtaining a new job. that check is gonna be suh-weet.

    • Job ain’t nuthin’ but work. I will do less of it any way possible.

      • COAL ROLL

        I think I’ve mentioned this before, but my job is to motivate others to get the job done, and then take the credit and reap the reward. #MakeAmericaGreatAgain

        • I’m a bare minimum employee but that’s mainly because my superior is a dizzy dodo bird who annoys me daily.

    • Lacertilian

      Found the capitalist svvine!

      • COAL ROLL

        how long have you been here and you just figure this out now?

        • Lacertilian

          I was super disappointed the day I realised you weren’t just an elaborate satire account.

          • COAL ROLL

            the pompous asshole is real

  • Waynecro

    The HR manager wants to see you in her office. Management wants to crucify you on the front lawn to prevent a peon uprising. I suggest you call in sick until the heat dies down.

  • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross
  • I like to take Thursdays off. But, I’m Venezuelan, so I mostly blame everyone for not working, so I do my best to not be a parasite like my human part kinship.

  • I have 174.2 hours banked in sick days. Time to break an arm/leg and cash in. This whole work thing is hindering my progress in real life.

  • YourLogicIsFlushed

    Have you ever tried to call in sick on a Saturday, only to find out you weren’t supposed to work in the first place? … Yeah, me either.

  • EsusMoose

    Dam thought it was masterlord

    • I thought so at first, but there’s not enough silly shenanigans for it to be written by him.

      • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

        It is an post/article. Therefore a work of writing and as such something Masterlord is utterly incapable of, ypu should have known.

    • As did I

    • Dubs

      He will always disappoint trick you.

    • me toob.

  • April 12 is the best day to call in sick.

    • Ol Dirty Blastbeard

      PTO bro, i only work monday.

  • Stanley

    I made it 8 minutes and 22 seconds into dopesmoker. A new record.

    • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

      Ya mean you’ve never done the whole thing?

      • Stanley

        Nope. Every time it crops up here, I think to myself “what the hell”, and give it a listen as I read the article. Then I scroll down to read the comments and then it occurs to me that this shit is still playing and I immediately turn it off, all annoyed. This time it didn’t piss me off (or at least I didn’t realize that it was pissing me off) until 8:22.

        • Stanley

          Probs because the Lizard man had me snickering.

        • Rofl this is word for word what happens to me.

          • Stanley

            When you’re angry cos you’re hungry, u r hangry. What is the word for when you are angry cos bad tunes?

          • Headbangry?

          • Stanley

            Love it.

          • Tapir

          • Owlswald

            Nopesmoker?

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Voivod.

        • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

          Kinda makes me sad.

    • COAL ROLL

      so boring

    • 8 minutes and 22 seconds is like 15 of my bands songs.

      • Stanley

        That’s probably 60-100 riffs. How many riffs are there in the first 8:22 of dopesmoker? And no, I’m not going to listen to it again.

        • Dubs

          One.

          • COAL ROLL

            sounds like static to me

          • Stanley

            That does not surprise me.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            One riff to rule them all!!!

      • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

        Moonsorrow would be Hell on Earth for you then!

    • smoke dope prior to listening. the instructions are in the name, goofball!!

      • Stanley

        I knew I was missing something.

  • Owlswald

    My job doesn’t have a PTO bank but, instead, separates vacation and sick days. If you aren’t sick, it forces you to call in with some shotty excuse every time you want to use it. AND, any unused balance doesn’t carry over year to year. F’n dumb.

    • That’s dumb as hell. Apparently that used to be the system where I work, but they changed it because so many people would fake sick to use up their sick days.

      • Owlswald

        Apparently, their reasoning for not changing to PTO is they are afraid people will use all their time up and then come to work when they’re sick.

      • Dubs

        You scrubs need a university job. I have an automatic 40 hours in the bank for a bone marrow transplant.

        • Owlswald

          Only if I get to sport a corduroy blazer with elbow pads.

        • Ol Dirty Blastbeard

          i get 40 hrs a year but i have to accrue them, i also get 24hrs of personal days, and 8 hrs charity

          • Dubs

            Not bad.

          • Ol Dirty Blastbeard

            its not bad. i also have a 401k, after 5 years i become vested, a brand new company car, and a 600 dollar clothing allowance

          • Owlswald

            A clothing allowance? Does your job put your threads through the wringer?

          • Ol Dirty Blastbeard

            No but i have had jobs that did. Essentially, my shirts just get so dirty, i show up to work and my boss has ordered and received my new shirts already

          • Owlswald

            Baller.

          • Ol Dirty Blastbeard

            Working for a giant corporation has its perks

          • Ol Dirty Blastbeard

            Also, Years Past Matter finally arrived today. Getting to revisit it on vinyl.

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    I don’t really believe in sick days. I’ve had one for a head wound, one for a car wreck and one because my bowels physically wouldn’t let me go. Otherwise I don’t really believe in them. Think I gave everyone in the office a cold once. I’m not the only one to have spread a contagion though, and luckily no one was pregnant at the time. So all was for the best.

    • Stanley

      See, I don’t like being sick so if I’m around sick people, I openly tell them to stay away from me. If you are genuinely sick, you should stay home. It’s selfish to go to work.

  • The last time I called in sick was like 5 years ago. I literally won’t call out unless I’m immobilized. I just hate calling off.

    • Are you a pod person?

      • No I don’t like nu metal.

        • Waynecro

          That joke just got you ten cool points.

          • I’m listening to the pretty reckless right now so so I probably lost 9 of them already.

          • Tapir can’t touch us if we band together

        • I’m too cool to see what you did there…

    • COAL ROLL

      GOOD MAN

    • Waynecro

      I’ve only called in sick twice in my career. Once I was feverish and seeing shit. I passed out and a bookshelf fell on me. I probably would have gone to work–bloody head wound and all–had someone agreed to drive me. The other time I called in sick, I had to go to the hospital because my blood-sugar level was suddenly 600+.

      • A year or so ago I came into work with insane stomach cramps where I couldn’t stand for more than about 30 seconds. My boss said something to the effect of “you crazy fucker why did you come in” and then got me a shit ton of ice water. Good times.

      • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

        Gah, reading this article and knowing that I’ve been unemployed for several months makes me feel like the most worthless person on Earth. 🙁

        • Waynecro

          Hang in there, buddy. You’ll get through it.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      I don’t get sick very often but when I do, and I feel like absolute shit, I’m taking a day or two off to heal up. Working while sick sucks.

      • Sweat it out pussy

        • your pillow talk sucks

        • CyberneticOrganism

          So you’re the smelly, sweaty sick office guy

        • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

          Let’s see you hoof it as a chef or cook while you’re sick. 😉

  • Ol Dirty Blastbeard

    sick days for me a super far between for me. i think i called out twice last year (booze related injuries)

    • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross
      • Ol Dirty Blastbeard

        Eroding Winds also has them.

        however, im stuck between ordering more Nightbringer vinyl to flesh out my discog, or grab Nadra, Earth and Pillars, and Aryan Art

        • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

          I hate making purchase decisions

          • Ol Dirty Blastbeard

            same, this will be the only week i have any surplus cash to make a big grab so i might as well get the three

  • JWEG
    • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

      Sadly, when I was working at Cafe Rio a few months ago, they tried to make me work while I was sick (with a doctor’s note telling me I could come back a couple days later). They sent me back home after they saw how sick I was, and started cutting my schedule from 6 days a week to 1 day a week. I quit as soon as I saw the new schedule (partly so I could get my benefits).

  • Óðinn
    • Ol Dirty Blastbeard

      “UglyGorilla” lololol

    • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

      Everybody, have fun tonight, everybody Wang Dong tonight.

  • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, The Cult just put out their bro-ified men in undies new video, and um, yeah, the title. Where’s 365 Days Of Horror when you need him?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5GubT3MwiWE

  • Dave Vincent’s Perm

    Hanging yourself at Easter is slightly less depressing than spending it doing maths papers.

    • Count_Breznak

      Get yourself crucified instead. ‘Tis the spirit of the season, and you get about 3 days of sick leave.

      • Dave Vincent’s Perm

        I see what you did there

        • Count_Breznak

          It was really hard no to add “..and you died for their sines”

      • Guppusmaximus

        Yea, but , then you have to rise again. There’s no snooze button that can stop that…

  • Guppusmaximus

    HA! These corporate ball-licking mental midgets don’t rate enough respect or caring for me not to take a fucking sick / wellness day. Especially the C Level (CEO,CFO,etc) shills. Fucking Fuck those Fucking Fucks!!

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    I don’t call out ever.

    • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

      That’s why they call you, they call you the working man!

      • I got no time for livin’

        • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

          I get home at 5 o clock, and take myself out a nice cold beer