Prematurely Eradicated: The Best Metal TV Show That Ended Too Soon

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Heavy metal and television is a combination that rarely strikes gold. More often than not it is merely a song featured on a show to relatively cringe-y results. Sometimes it’s a publicity stunt. Almost every time, though, it is a device to show how scary or deranged or misunderstood some teenage murderer is. Indeed, it is rare that metal fans get to play the role of hero. There is at least one exception though. He is our saving grace. He hails from Canada. His name is Todd. Let’s talk about Todd and The Book of Pure Evil.

Todd is the stereotypical heavy metal high school reject (FLASHBACKS) attending the one and only Crowley High School. Much to your utter lack of surprise, Crowley High was founded by none other than…Satanists.  Of course they aren’t just any lame ass dude-bro Satanists like you meet in your day to day life. No, these fellows possessed an unholy tome known only as The Book of Pure Evil. As the more perceptive of you may have guessed, Todd eventually encounters this book (5 points for you!) and attempts to use its devil powers to impress the woman he has a crush on. Who hasn’t been there? Once Todd performs a most metal ceremony he heads to the High School battle of the bands where he proceeds to play guitar so hard he makes a guy bleed out of his asshole.

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Before the anal seepage has even dried Todd realizes that the book is…uh, evil, and must be destroyed. Of course this being the pilot episode the book escapes so we can have many more weeks of shenanigans. TatBoPE plays out like a much more vulgar Buffy the Vampire Slayer as written by metal heads. Every episode a new student finds the book and wishes for their life to be better or for the lives of other students to be worse in some way, always to absurd results.

Todd6

For Example: Here’s a monster made of fat that turns all female students fat

 

Now what makes this show metal, you ask? Well, aside from the fact that I said a man pours blood from his asshole after a rippin’ guitar solo, there is also the soundtrack, and every metal dude and dudettes favorite, the band shirts. Each episode features a few songs that range from Needled 24/7 by Children of Bodom to Wires by Red Fang, hell there’s even some Doomriders and Mouth of the Architect. If it isn’t there in musical form, then it is there in black t-shirt spirit as Todd reps High on Fire, Dying Fetus, and Skinless. A Megadeth shirt on your dad’s favorite CBS comedy this is not. You’ll also notice some solid caricatures of every-metal-dude-you’ve-ever-seen-ever, my favorite being the group of prophetic thrash loving hesher dudes that always hang out by their Trans Am.

Now here is where I bear bad news: TatBoPE (there has to be a better abbreviation) only made it 2 seasons. Metal isn’t just a niche music market, apparently. The good news is that this past year the creators successfully crowdfunded an animated feature length film that will wrap up Todd’s story. Why animated? Well, because frankly it is cheaper and will allow for extra insanity that would be difficult to pull off in a low budget real world setting. There’s no solid release date just yet, but it will be coming sometime in 2015. In the meantime, stop reading this and go get it! The DVDs can be had for cheap via Amazon or you can purchase it digitally through the retailer of your choice.

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  • Tyree
    • YourLogicIsFlushed

      My SPOON is to BIG!

      • Tyree

        I am a baaaNANA.

        • Akercocke ov Steele

          Lets go see a movie tonight.

          • Tyree

            I am feeling fat and sassy.

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        *two

    • Friday nights are always crazy.

    • more beer

      That`s never good.

      • BLVKKBEVRD

        OOPS

  • Ignatius the Wizened

    Boatman! a’ sail on life’s Penteconter, the wind rips

    And tears a mass, no mast, the waters crush

    The worlds below, to lungs they rush, a gurgle grows

    “Whoa, sailor, how far you’ve come in fleet for fleece,

    A golden show of wealth beneath, the men flock

    Like geese to fairest woes, a hallowed bed, a world’s deathrows

    Fear not the bleeding on your breath, the brine of life is best beget

    The men who can hoist love aloft, to highest heaven, to blanket soft!”

    • Howard Dean

      There once was a man named Ignatius,
      Whose perversions were most coprophagious.
      He said with a smile,
      While devouring piles,
      “Shiteating is most verily contagious!”

      • Poetry really doesn’t have to rhyme.
        Or even make any sense,
        If you think about it.
        M Shadows.

        • Ignatius the Wizened

          Poetry is the scabbard of the soul, Joseph. Think about it.

          • Thuacamole Jim
          • Oh God
            What the hell, man
            Fuck
            Dang.

          • Thuacamole Jim
          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

          • Tyree
          • CyberneticOrganism
          • Thuacamole Jim

            I view myself as a fairly progressive individual, I identify as a feminist, I fight against the objectification of women, et cetera.

            But fucking hell, I would cleave Katy Perry in twain.

          • I feel that exact way. But with Taylor Swift. And about hand holding.

          • Howard Dean

            This was the most perfect response ever.

          • Gluteus_Maximus_Rage

            Indeed. IN-DEED.

          • That’s not a poem. You hath failed.

          • Ignatius the Wizened

            A bard fails not when his words go to prose, but when his prose goes to words. Think about it, Jonathan/Jackson.

          • You call yourself a bard.
            But you reak of lard,
            Likely as bald as Picard
            Of your humorous schtick remains but a shard

          • The AAAA rhyme scheme is for dumb nerds.

          • I don’t even know what that is. Poetry is for pussies and that’s why I’m so awful at it.

          • This is line A of a rhyme
            And this is line B
            You’re gonna have a bad time
            If you mix up this scheme.

          • Ignatius the Wizened

            Bad. I don’t even know how to respond to this, Jonathan/Jackson.

            In the morn, a better show
            Late it is, to sleep I go.

          • Tyree

            I have a cupboard in which I place my scabs.
            A Scabboard I may call it

          • Ignatius the Wizened

            Folly clouds of booze withstand,
            Tyree plays in his own band.
            His words are true, his spirit hard,
            He too knows the way of bard.

          • Akercocke ov Steele

            I too get drunk to rhyme
            A nice Haiku with a pinch of lime
            Or a tongue of liquorish to spew a limerick
            But I’m with Tyree,
            JUST SHIT YOUR PANTS AND GRIND

        • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

          TUNA
          FREEKS DIG
          ARIOLA LIPS
          PLANTED
          ON MOIST
          SHAMROCKS
          OF MINION
          STEWING
          ANGST
          DOMINATION NATION

          -end-

          • *snaps fingers appreciatively*

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            puffs clove…orders drink

          • KJM

            -bongos-

          • BLVKKBEVRD

            -ancient-looking gong-

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            *Finn

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            Even better! (Edited above). Your Handle and trade mark are kick ass! Haha!

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            Why thank you, I think Jöhnny Crünch will be permanently retired

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            We will miss him and remeber him fondly. Ted Nu Djent (TM) take this thing to a new level tho! haha!

        • Ted Nü-Djent ™

          Radiant, cool, crazy nightmares.

          Zen New Jersey nowhere.

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan

          Here’s a poem I wrote. It’s called Slipstream.

          She moves like a vision
          She dances like a dream
          She ventures into the slipstream
          She was never again seen
          Why was she taken from me?

      • Ignatius the Wizened

        Howard Dean, a failure wrought,
        Screams you bore and shame you brought,
        Lost it all, abandon all hope,
        A man no more; a sorry dope

        • Scrimm

          You just got wrecked admit it.

          • Ignatius the Wizened

            If my car strikes impediment hard,
            Admit I will, to wrecked this bard.

          • Tyree

            Oh my.

          • Great book, awful movie!

          • Hickory Dickory Dock, the bitch who sucked my cock
            The clock struck two, I shot my goo
            And I dropped her off at the next block.
            OH!

          • Ah goo-goo-goo-goo!
            /How in the fuck did Dice Clay ever get famous.

          • Because he’s a comedy genius! No, seriously, he was excellent in Blue Violet, no joking. Even Roger Ebert said that shortly before he died, as did Richard Roeper.

          • Ignatius the Wizened

            To suckle the curdled teat of Andrew Dice Clay is to steal from the world’s worst retailer.

          • From a tree brach, in his butthole lowers he
            Low hanging fruit, yet not gay or twee
            But a victim of climbing tall, he of berry balls
            Not a power metal fan, so not for he Valhalla’s halls

      • Scrimm

        Awesome.

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        There once was a man Howard Dean
        Whose Riff choices were certainly obscene
        Please give us a chance
        Or I’ll pull down your pants
        Don’t submit next week is what I do mean

        • Howard Dean

          Haha, this was awesome. Well done, sir.

          • BLVKKBEVRD

            Enjoyed Thoroughly. You’re still my nemesis, Howard Dean.

          • Howard Dean

            To the death, Blackbeard. Byah!

          • BLVKKBEVRD

            DRAW YE SWORD, LANDLUBBER!

          • Howard Dean

            [pulls down pants, grabs cock]
            [looks around, realizes everyone is staring at him]
            [releases cock, pulls up pants]

            “Oh, shit… where’s my scimitar?!”

          • BLVKKBEVRD

            In your other pantaloons, scrug.

          • JWG

            Scimitar: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTzV7dVoLR4

            Side note: their first album had a pirate theme.

            https://scimitar.bandcamp.com/album/black-waters

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            Thank you. But seriously, fuck off with your blue ribbon riffs and let us all have a chance 🙂

  • Thuacamole Jim

    I had a buddy who was really into this show and kept telling me to watch it. I’m going to have to give it go.

  • Dude bro Satanists. This makes me think of a certain someone lol.

  • http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TM4p3qooiMw/U0XvbKxLKpI/AAAAAAAAA0Q/cvVMB0Mmzao/s1600/freddy1.jpg
    if you pan out on the picture , Tom Green is cutting the umbilical chord.

    • Awwwwwwwwwww, the classic movies of my youth! Freedie Got Fingered was high art at it’s finest!

      • Janitor Jim Dvggan

        I’m sorry I have to disagree. Freddy Got Fingered is one of the worst things I have ever seen. The only thing worse than it in my opinion is The Room. When it comes to shitty movies I do like a lot of B movies and The Song Remains The Same.

        • KJM

          That’s officially Zeppelin’s worst live moment. They should’ve released the 1975 Earl’s Court show instead.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            They should have released Knebworth 1979.

          • KJM

            The only reason ‘Song’ was released was because of Plant’s car accident that cut the 1975 touring cycle short. Otherwise it never would’ve happened because they hated making that movie.

        • *cries like a little girl, locks my room and watches Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo to ease my feels*

  • JWG

    Metal Dude highlights include their uncharacteristic contribution to the ‘musical episode’ (also featuring Atticus’ rock ballad-ish ode to Wolf Rape), and Todd’s driving lesson.

    Also, just one word. Loser.

  • Renan Ribeiro

    This on the interminable queue of shows to watch. I’m finishing the last two seasons of SoA, then it’s True Detective and Breaking Bad. Then it will be time for GoT’s next season. But I will watch this, I promise

    • Tyree

      Damn! Some good shows dude.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      I wouldn’t worry too much about this one. Add Hannibal to the queue instead

      • BLVKKBEVRD

        Morpheus >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

      • Renan Ribeiro

        Is that really good? I’ve heard mixed reviews

        • Ted Nü-Djent ™

          It was certainly hard to get into but once you do, it’s fantastic. I just got around to watching the end of the second season. Same with Bates Motel

  • Nordling Rites Ov MMXIV

    Even though I have taken it as a holy quest to eat the intestines of everyone who connects Crowley with satanism. I really wanna go watch this now.

    • YourLogicIsFlushed

      Unrelated, I am listening to Crib 45 again and it’s so so good.

      • Nordling Rites Ov MMXIV

        Good music is never unrelated.

      • i’m inserting myself into this convo… checking out for first time, and /me likes! i hear some Isis buried in there

        • BLVKKBEVRD

          The band is good. The name is terrible.

          • Nordling Rites Ov MMXIV

            Btw, just as an fyi, they are about as far from serious as possible. (I recall you mentioned your doubts once) That said, the name is not a very good.

          • BLVKKBEVRD

            In either case, its unfortunate that I cant take them as seriously because of their name. Whatever that says about me, it also says something about them.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      It’s not that great, it’s a high school comedy with little-to-no metal beyond the first episode.

      • Nordling Rites Ov MMXIV

        My boner has died, shriveled and crawled back to the cave from whence it came, twice.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          As it should. As it should.

  • Rob M

    This show fucking killed me…glad they were at least able to finance a way to wrap up the storyline

  • DeadButtDreaming

    Think I watched two or three episodes before losing interest.

    Show is basically that one dude yelling ” Slayyyyerrrr!!!!”.

  • BLVKKBEVRD

    I have never watched one of these. From the comments, I dont think its something worth working to watch now.

  • Akercocke ov Steele

    I’ve been wondering where this show went, believe it or not my dad got me into it.

  • BLVKKBEVRD

    it’s so cold tonight/morning that we might not even be able to work, BIOTCH

    http://youtu.be/r4x9P62N2w0

    • BLVKKBEVRD

      -5 with windchill when i got off work @4:30

    • KJM

      I KNOW MY SCRIPTURES, BIOOOTCH!!

      • BLVKKBEVRD

        SO YOU KNOW I AIN’T WORRIED, BIOTCH. STUPID BITCH.

        • Ted Nü-Djent ™

          That’s some fufu lame shit. Gratata!

          • BLVKKBEVRD

            WTF DID YOU JUST SAY, BIOTCH?

          • KJM

            WHOSE NAME YOU COMING IN, BIOTCH?

          • BLVKKBEVRD

            BIOTCHES AND THEIR GODDAMN NAMES, BIOTCH

          • KJM

            I MAKE MY ASS VERY AVAILABLE

            BIOTCH

          • BLVKKBEVRD

            YOU FORGOT YOUR BIOTCH, BIOTCH!

          • KJM

            edited

          • BLVKKBEVRD

            BIOTCH!

          • BLVKKBEVRD
          • Ted Nü-Djent ™
          • BLVKKBEVRD

            my forearm is bigger than this kid.

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            Gratata! I bet your forearm hasn’t been in gay porn though.

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            Knock knock…”hey when are your going to be done in there”

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            Don’t worry when I’m gonna be done in there you fufu lame ass bitch. Gratata!

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            Gratatattatataaaa!! haha! Its like wtf is that dude?

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            Just don’t google any images of him with the safe mode filter off.

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            so of course I did immediately …hahahaha! holy crap! looked up his story too..holy crap!

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            hahahaha. I warned you!

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            New meaning to ” grataata” I guess! Lol

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            He was inspired to make that sound that one time his costar went in dry

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            Ooooooooooohhhhh…..hammer time. Lol

          • “MAAAAHHHMMM, I’M MAKIN MY VIDIASSS, STAAAHP!”

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            haha…you know that happened.

            He comes out all pissy she goes in the bathroom he goes to her purse and steals 10 bucks.

    • BLVKKBEVRD

      fuck me. just. . . fuck me. rip david gold.
      http://youtu.be/0Y0WKslm-3k

    • Isn’t that the kook that the kid from 2 1/2 Men hanging out with?

  • KJM

    I’M GOD, YOU STOOPID BIOTCH!

    • BLVKKBEVRD

      I BELIEVE IN KJM, BIOTCH. YOU STUPID BIOTCH.

      • KJM

        STOOPID MUTHA FUCKA

        • BLVKKBEVRD

          SO YOU KNOW I AINT SCERRED, BIOTCH. WEED IS THE ANSWER, BIOTCH

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            Weed is a great answer to life problem’s. Ask 311 and bands like Electric Wizard and they’ll tell you that exact statement.

    • BOW TO YOUR SUPREME LEADER! (or we will offer you voluntary rehabilitation through labor under the most human of conditions for you and 3 generations of your family)

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
  • Speaking of metal shows, when the fuck are they FINALLY gonna get around to the new season of Metalocalypse?!?!

    • KJM

      Probably this year.

    • Vriezen

      Not enough people have sacrificed themselves to the world’s 13th largest economy…

  • Janitor Jim Dvggan

    Off topic but have any of you checked this out? Archive.org got a ton of good DOS games and they have arcade games and console games too. I also found a ton of good concerts from a ton of different bands such as Little Feat and 311.

    https://archive.org/details/softwarelibrary_msdos_games/v2

  • Is it me, or did they rip off the boogeyman from Nightmare Before Christmas in that second pic?!

    http://img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20131120000257/thenightmarebeforechristmas/images/8/89/Oogie_Boogie_KHII.png

    • Stockhausen

      I could see that. However, if there’s a monster made of fat, there’s only a couple of visual options when a monster is made out of fat.

    • KJM

      More like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters.