Photo Chop: 1st Edition!

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Welcome to a new feature! Get in here and show off your photo manipulation skills!

Here’s how it works: every week we’ll post a new picture that’s just begging for some improvements. Sometimes it will be topical and related to metal news & recent discussions. Other times it will have very little to do with anything. This first edition is the latter. Check out the picture below, click on it to view a hi-res copy and unleash hell however you see fit.

The rules:

  • Keep it clean & safe for work: no nudity, no gore, no racism
  • Be creative & use whatever tools you want; “talent” or “skill” is not required
  • Post your entry in a new Disqus comment below
  • Entries will be judged on the number of upvotes they receive
  • The winner(s) will be announced in the following week’s edition and will win… well, nothing but praise at the moment, but we’re working on some promo gear to give away

 

This week’s image:

cleanpicture1

Click to embiggen (via)

And here’s an example to get your creative juices ov hell flowing. Notice I went for the lowest-hanging fruit possible:

TOH_example

  • KERRY “BURGER” KING AND THE REST OF THE DIVEBAR HACK WORLD TOUR!

    • Paris Hilton

      FEAT. THE REST OF THE TALENTLESS HACKS IN $LAYER! COMING TO A DIVEBAR NEAR YOU!

      • Akercocke ov Steele

        MAKE SURE YOU STRETCH OUT, THEY’LL NEED SOME EXTRA HELP MOVING THAT OH-SO-HEAVY POOL TABLE OUT OF THE WAY!

        • Paris Hilton

          ^That comment truly was RA666 in his prime! I still remember almost pissing myself laughing at the original comment.

        • AND THEN MOVE IT BACK AGAIN WHEN IT’S OVER!

    • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

      slayer + exodus= SLAYODUS (morph)

  • Edward #RIPNEGROD

    I like where this is headed.

  • Tyree-Argo Fuck Yourself

    No nudity or gore eh? This will be difficult for me.

    • Edward #RIPNEGROD

      I have faith in you, Tyree. You are the hero the Toilet deserves.

      • Rustling Rites ov Jimmies

        but is he the hero it needs?

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

          I already made a good one. I am the hero the Toilet needs.

          • Edward #RIPNEGROD

            Way to step up to the plate, JJD. Yours is a bit terrifying.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

            That makes it even better. Mr. Bill looks like an alien in it.

        • Edward #RIPNEGROD

          Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight.

          • Rustling Rites ov Jimmies

            K, thanks.

          • Edward #RIPNEGROD

            Fo sho.

  • Tim the Enchanter

    Only if I weren’t a total scrub and knew how to manipulate photos,

    • pixlr.com is about as easy as it gets. You can paste image URLs on top of each other as layers and work from there.

  • Tyree-Argo Fuck Yourself
  • This one is a little #edgy

  • It’s Burger Time!

  • Boogers.

    • /dead

    • HessianHunter

      This is my fave. Subtle and childish all at once.

      • Gvacamole Jim

        The Masterlord does not disappoint!

  • Butt Plugg

    Worst post yet.

    • Agreed. *flushes this site down th…wait a second never mind. forget I said anything.

    • ..

      • Butt Plugg

        Fuck you. It’s criticism, fucking take it.

        • Lol he’s grumpy.

        • Oh sorry. Thank you for your valued contribution.

        • Edward #RIPNEGROD

          A little constructive criticism goes a long way, friend.

        • Stockhausen

          That was also criticism, nerd.

        • Paris Hilton

          Go back to the My Little Pony Subreddit, nerd.

        • Tim the Enchanter

          Did someone wake on the wrong foot this morning?

        • KJM

          Take it all! Take every inch you cheap whore!!

    • Tyree-Argo Fuck Yourself

      A sphincter says what?

    • well it’s pretty great if a post this awesome is the “worst” 🙂

    • Solid feedback.
      Although most “criticism” involves more than 3 words…

    • Tim the Enchanter

    • Featured Comment.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Maybe you just need one of these: http://tinyurl.com/k7qjfzt

    • Ellipsis ov Rustled Jimmies
      • corgis and toilets: together at last! *swoon*

        • Ellipsis ov Rustled Jimmies

          The corgis stares into my soul, judging me, flushing ever fiber of my being. The Void screeches in laughter at my torment. “EMBRACE ME!!!” With my last ounce of energy I embrace… nothingness… But you’re right, it’s a cute doggie.

          • hope that adorable motherfather doesn’t leave a double-decker!!!

          • Ellipsis ov Rustled Jimmies

            I was trying to reply to that And Justice For All comment over on ABCnews with “Great Metallica album? Or the greatest?” but they blocked us quick .

          • that site is the opposite of rocket (don’t have a word for it yet)
            one can’t even tell what they chose to block and don’t!
            slight rustling. #canstillsleeptonight

          • Ellipsis ov Rustled Jimmies

            My free speech comment is still up and has a guest vote. #smallvictories

    • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

      Best post ever.

  • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

    Here’s my entry. It’s a band fronted by Mr. Bill, the bass player is a human Christmas tree and the drummer is a normal man.

    • winner winner, chicken dinner!!

      • CONANtheMotherFuckin’KING

        no nudity , no gore, no racism ! Well, there goes my main influences in life. By the way i hope taylor wears something like this outfit, she has been dressing much more demure lately though. :- ( Damn her self respect and not wanting to build a career based on being sexy.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      SHITBURGERS WORLD TOUR

    • CONANtheMotherFuckin’KING

      This is the most inoffensive thing i have ever seen, and i demand you recieve a prize.

      • uh Conan, you saw the part with the human christmas tree, right?

        • CONANtheMotherFuckin’KING

          i must honestly say i did not.

  • MoshOff

    I’m about to make this contest…

    VOID

    • THAT’S CHEATING

      • MoshOff

        I know, but I might win anyway.

    • Tyree-Argo Fuck Yourself

      Orin did the opposite of Void… Fuck him, you win.

  • BLVCKBEVRD’S QQ CVNTINVVM
    • Must. Resist. The Trolling.
      I have work to do 🙁

    • Tim the Enchanter

      Cosby is accused of sexual assault? Zip zop zoobity, let me touch your boobity.

      • Paris Hilton

        According to accounts Cosby is pretty much a serial rapist. Americans are pretty much just turning a blind eye to it. Oh yeah, Woody Allen is a pedophile too. Again, people are just turning a blind eye :/

        • BLVCKBEVRD’S QQ CVNTINVVM

          Well Woody Allen married his daughter in law or something righT?

          • Paris Hilton

            He did. Personally, I cannot wait until that pedophiliac fuck is worm-food. The only good pedophile is a dead one.

          • Tim the Enchanter

            Didn’t they start their relationship when she was 19?

          • Paris Hilton

            It was something like that, yeah!

          • Tim the Enchanter

            I don’t see how that’s pedophilia. Pedophiles are usually interested in kids who are 11 or younger. Are there any other cases?

          • His daughter accused him of touching her sexually when she was super young.

          • Tim the Enchanter

            Never knew about that one.

          • Rustling Rites ov Jimmies

            Wasn’ it the mother who actually made the accusation?

          • It might be. I don’t follow celebrity news very closely.

          • Rustling Rites ov Jimmies

            Aha, The thing is I was hoping someone could shed a little light on it what’s true and who’s who. But it can’t be helped.

          • Paris Hilton

            Yeah, but you gotta remember that the girl was the step-daughter of a woman he molested when she was 7. Even though she was 19, he was still 56. That may be OK in a legal sense, but in a moral sense…. That just shouldn’t sit right with a person, you know?

          • Tim the Enchanter

            I don’t know a lot of him and what he has done. Have those molestation accusations been proven?

          • Paris Hilton

            Mia Farrow is trying to get her story out there. And when Woody Allen marries his step-daughter that’s 37 years his junior…. I kind of find the accusations to be believable. (Apparantly they started “dating” when she was underage)

          • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

            supposedly all tv networks have a mafia side—but cbs is supposed to be most notorious for it—in the 70s–cosby was a social control agent for cbs “actual” liberalism (pre agenda 21–true “bleeding hearts”)—he reached out with fat albert—and a synergy occured that was greater than the sum of its parts—for the earth

            in the 80s–he got more power on “the cosby show”–but there are certain “ethics” at cbs –cuz they are loyal to actual judaism —
            that was missing at nbc–and cosby took advantage

            so he helped out blacks in the arts–and introduced all kinds of new actors—including tupac shakur—who was utilized as an agent in an anti gun “gangsta rap”media psyop–light false flag event attacks

            but tupac was too wild/opinionated—didnt stick to the scripts—the east coast/west coast rap battle–really unnerved his supervisors

            so they took out tupac–but also 2 yrs later they took out cosby’s son—mafiz style—-because it was cosby’s mischief that fucking got tupac involved with shit—–and completely fucked up their rap social control/pro agenda 21 pre—psyop–

            sexual harrassment media psyop/celebrity assassination—seems pretty obvious

        • Tim the Enchanter

          I don’t want to belive that Cosby did what he’s being accused of. Fuck, this brings back memories from the Jimmy Savile case.

          • Paris Hilton

            It does suck, and that’s a big part of the reason no one wants to face it. But Cosby can’t get away with this. He just can’t.

          • Tim the Enchanter

            Seeing as I do not have the possibility of knowing the truth about this yet, I will shroud myself in skepticism of both sides.

          • Paris Hilton

            Guess we can’t know the real truth. However, where there is smoke, there’s fire. Over a dozen women who have had some connection to Cosby wouldn’t just come out of the woodwork to slam his character. That doesn’t make sense. I highly douby he’s innocent.

          • Herr Schmitty

            Let’s be real; the odds that he’s guilty of at least one of these accusations is an even 100% and not a bit lower.

          • Tim the Enchanter

            Aren’t there a lot of similiar accusations towards the singer Blood on the Dance Floor?

          • Paris Hilton

            YES! Actually there’s a whole tumblr dedicated to calling out his creepy, pedophiliac shit. I wish I remembered what it was called. But same thing, where there’s smoke there’s fire. He’s also famous for bullying teenage girls despite the fact he’s like in his 30s. There’s gotta be something deeply fucking wrong with that dude.

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

          God fucking damnit. Why would he do this? I cannot view The Cosby Show and Fat Albert in the same reverence now.

          • KJM

            Fortunately I always hated the Cosby Show. Fat Albert is another story altogether though.

          • Tim the Enchanter

            I never watched either of those due to Finland.

          • BLVCKBEVRD’S QQ CVNTINVVM

            The Rapey Cosby Show / Fat Albert’s Rape Hour are the next most played tv shows alongside Barney & Friends & Rape on Bizarro-NewFinland’s only TV station: Rape 25/7 (Bizarro-NewFinland has an extra hour in their day dedicated to rape)

          • Tim the Enchanter

            What about Jimmy Savile’s Jim’ll Rape it?

          • BLVCKBEVRD’S QQ CVNTINVVM

            Who are you who can summon fire without flint or tinder?

          • Tim the Enchanter

            I…am an enchanter.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

            I love Fat Albert except for the shitty movie of it. I don’t want to believe that Bill was a serial rapist but I have to.

          • KJM

            It looks pretty bad, but I’m still going with the whole “innocent until proven guilty” thing.

        • Rustling Rites ov Jimmies

          Have the Allen accusations been verified? I know he’s son believes they are just malign machinations of the ex-wife (who wants to destroy WA as bad as possible)

      • Lacertilian

        Coming from outside the USA, I never got into Cosby.
        Was he ever truly funny like Pryor or early Eddie Murphy?

  • Xan

    Oh man, if only I wasn’t on a laptop which has trouble running Micro$oft Word due to it’s shitty processor. There would be toilets as far as the eye can see.

  • VV.

    I may have to fire up the ol’ Gimp machine when I get home. I’m getting a Jeff Hanneman vibe.

    • i should try Gimp, but i’m a little intimidated. i’ve got a program called KolourPaint that am going to have to learn!

  • Guacamelee Jim

    I’m late, but here’s my contribution:

    • WHAT THE FUCK

      • Gvacamole Jim

        Embrace the poopsi, Joe.

    • Tim the Enchanter

      God damn! This is beautiful!

      • Gvacamole Jim

        You know much that is hidden, O Tim.

        • KJM

          CAN SHOOT FIREBALLS FROM HIS HANDS & HIS STAFF.

          CAN’T KILL A RABBIT.

          • Gvacamole Jim

            Look, that rabbit’s got a vicious streak a mile wide! It’s a killer!

          • KJM

            “What’s it do? Nibble yer bum?”

          • Tim the Enchanter

            He’s got huge sharp…eh, he can leap about… Look at the BONES!

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Shut up you, and go and change your armor.

          • Tim the Enchanter

            Have you seen that fucking rabbit? It has nasty pointing teeth. Last time I saw you confront the rabbit you soiled your armor.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      GAH!

  • The Satan Ov Hell

    The photo as taken by an instagram filter addict- http://i.imgur.com/FaA5v3f.png

  • Stockhausen

    The only real entry.

    • Tim the Enchanter

      I was really disappointed by this 10/10 – IGN

      • Stockhausen

        Nailed it.

    • that’s not a burger king burger tho… nice try, dead german composer!

      • Stockhausen

        You can’t have it your way at Kerry Burger King, detective McNulty.

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

          How can you have your burgers at Kerry Burger King if you can’t have them your way?

          • Stockhausen

            You have them Kerry’s way. Lukewarm, dry, almost no taste, with water as s condiment.

    • JöhnnytheMotherFuckin’Crünch™

      Winner for mine, nice work Stocky!

      • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

        I’m still going to win. Mine is just that good.

        • JöhnnytheMotherFuckin’Crünch™

          Yeah but Stocky brought the lulz more

      • Stockhausen

        You will be a man of great power when I rule the world.

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        cool handle!

        • JohnnyTrickleDownCrunchyTacoRi

          My Conan tribute has rolled around into a TDTR tribute, inspired by @James_Jimmy_McNulty:disqus

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            Thanks bro! Thats really cool…you make me want to be a better clown. I feel like Ive regained my edge a return to form if you will…

    • Lacertilian

      I can’t believe this is the first entry with KFK in it.
      Truly amazing.

      • Stockhausen

        Thank you, thank you. I was really surprised to get this one in there before the board was flooded with them.

        • JohnnyTrickleDownCrunchyTacoRi

          You know I only just noticed the bass player saying that he misses Jeff. Extra beans for your quality jar

    • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

      haha!

  • I know i’m really bad at posting comments that are irrelevant to the article but damn, you gotta listen to the new American Heritage.

    much gnarly, so chunk…wow

    http://www.decibelmagazine.com/featured/american-heritage-album-stream-and-song-by-song-self-deconstruction/

  • Scrimm

    You can’t top the dirty burger. The example gets my vote.

    • CyberneticOrganism
      • Scrimm

        I think I’m gonna go see their live show in February.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Have you seen any of their Netflix specials? They do a decent job of adapting their schtick for the stage, but they rely too much on Bubbles to carry the whole thing.

          • Scrimm

            Yeah. I like the christmas one.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            The plastic bag santa beard never gets old

          • Scrimm

            I think Lahey is the best drunk ever.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Fact.

  • JöhnnytheMotherFuckin’Crünch™

    A little late but here’s my contribution

    • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

      i like clowns

      • JohnnyTrickleDownCrunchyTacoRi

        I like turtles

  • CT-12

    #VOIDLIFEBITCHEZZZZ

  • here’s mine. i didn’t chose the Parchment font, it chose me.

    • Oh god. This is entirely too accurate. Especially the part about the hipster fuck faces looking the other way.

      • awwwwwww, twas but a joke. i love the album!

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Shia La Boeeuoeof is in your band? KILL HIM IMMEDIATELY

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Jesus that’s a huge band

    • Lacertilian

      Parchment is good friends with Papyrus right?

    • MoshOff

      Died @ the Swans shirt. A++++

    • the guy with the mustache brush killed me.. shoot him in the pancreas, please

    • The Satan Ov Hell

      is this the /mu/ family photo?

  • Ellipsis ov Rustled Jimmies

    A Brand New Supergroup!

    The Replaced!!!

    Featuring Joey Jordison on Guitar, Jason Newsted on Bass and Mike Portnoy on Drums! All three members will provide annoying, half-arsed growled vocals!

    Sponsored by Pepsi: Pepsi, ‘Cause 2nd Best Is Still Alright!

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Ha ha ha, I imagine that’s Joey’s actual head proportions

  • And here’s one of me I did a while back. Me and my favorite actor, Rob Schneider.

    http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v220/geistimsturm/shaunbeard.jpg

  • xXEmooKiddXx

    10 years after the unfortunate passing of M. Shadows and his boyfriend Zachy Vengeance

  • pïgchop™

    Picture a room full of screaming children! hahaha!

  • pïgchop™

    And nowa word from Badman and his trusty dildo. ***It is clean and safe for work…if you work at home or the local greasy dive-bar!

  • pïgchop™

    Fuck you and you and you and…you too! 🙂

  • pïgchop™

    Yes, they still suck!

  • pïgchop™

    Sorry for the overload…it’s just so much fun!