Parents: It’s Time to Talk to Your Kids About Fleurety

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Through the blackest magic of biology, your loins have brought unto this plane of existence the pestilence of living, breathing, shitting children. And although you despise these little sociopaths so deeply that you can hardly bear to look at them and must drink yourself into an analgesic stupor nightly in order to go on living with what you’ve made, you are legally bound to serve and to protect them from harm. So, it falls to you to talk to your kids about the newest scourge of the streets: Fleurety. Do it before some shady pusher with scum for a soul does.

Fleurety has been available on the streets since 1993. Since then it has appeared in a variety of forms, from pills and powder to liquid and cassette to CD and vinyl. Like the greatest of parasitic substances, it has evolved over time to suit the shifting needs of its users, to the point where now it can offer something to virtually anyone. Translation: NO ONE IS SAFE.

Least of all your feeble-minded loin-spawn, so impressionable, so eager to be cool. Talk to your children in whatever limited vocabulary they are capable of understanding; teach them about the pitfalls of Fleurety before it lays waste to their future. Or don’t. But if you choose not to neglect your parental duties in this matter, here are some talking points:

  1. Fleurety does not care about you.
  2. Fleurety does not care about your health, your family, your mortgage, your dog or your beet garden.
  3. Fleurety only cares that you start using it early and that you use it often.
  4. Fleurety may give you fuzzy warm feelings and make life seem interesting to you—it might even take you to strange new dimensions and show you fantastic vistas of tachycardia-inducing beauty—but it will not hold your hair back when you’re on your knees in front of the toilet, donating the contents of your stomach to the Sewer Gods.
  5. When the ride is over, Fleurety will not comfort you with words of hope; nor will it make you a hot cup of tea; nor will it drive you to the ER or call an ambulance if per chance you’ve had too much.
  6. Fleurety will get inside you, use you up and leave you to die.

The latest form of this nasty substance was synthesized in a government lab and the kids are calling it Fragmenta Cuinsvis Aetatis Contemporaneae (the drug is popular amongst teens in Latin Club). The high induced by FCAC consists of two phases. Phase 1, “Consensus”, will cause you to hear voices for a brief moment before plunging you into a seizure of trashcan blasts, off-kilter guitar twangery and vile black noise. Adrift in this confusional maelstrom of horrific delights, you may vomit a swarm of locusts or clamor to shove the nearest sharp objects into your ears. Chemical analysis reveals that this is not Fleurety in its purest form, rather a clever synthesis with a rare substance known to pushers and addicts as Zweiss. The comedown is somewhat less than pleasant: do not be alarmed if you experience chittering static and the lugubrious tinkling of a piano for up to twelve hours.

Phase 2, “Carnal Nations”, is a mellower high. You will quickly become lost in phantasmal clouds of narcotic melancholia. Woozy guitar solos will surround you like levitating, deceptively corporeal serpents. Any attempt to free yourself of their dance will only cause further entanglement. The comedown is identical to the high itself; you may never know whether you are sober or high again.

 

These are the men responsible for flooding the streets with FCAC. Learn their faces well.

fleuretyband

If you’re the kind of hypocrite who will steer your kids away from bad life choices only to embrace these choices yourself, then as of January 5th you can purchase seven inches of Fragmenta Cuinsvis Aetatis Contemporaneae in vinyl form from a black market entity known as Aesthetic Death (I think they sell music too.) Further information about the dangers of Fleurety can be found here and here.

 

(Pusher photo VIA)

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  • Óðinn
  • TheCheezFace

    Can I still read this if I’m not a parent?

    • Only if you sign a chemical castration agreement.

      • TheCheezFace

        Oh well, If I must.

  • ≠ Voidscape Tyree ≠

    Those dudes work for Serge. Where’s there Annihilator 2000?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cf3RfidFKBw

  • RepostedAvengedSevenfoldFan2

    pshhh people over 25 are parents and parents listen to old dinosaur music

    – Flashikku, 8 months ago, in reply to TheArchitechnology

    • Kevin Nash’s Jackknife

      You’re joking right?

      • Howard Dean

        Nope, he’s totally serious. Everyone over 25 is a parent. Once you hit 25 you are mandated by law to become a parent. If you are unable to create one holistically by your 25th birthday you are given a standard issue bastard child with fetal-alcohol syndrome courtesy of a 14-year old single mother in Eastern Europe/Thailand/Mississippi. Good luck.

    • more beer

      Yea but you listen to utter shit!

  • KyleJMcBride

    Believe me, I took steps to make sure this horrid thing will never happen to me.

    • Owlswald

      Fleurety does not care about Owlswald and Owlswald does not care about Fleurety.

  • Black Unbeard

    I didn’t know these guys were still making music

    • They’ve been VERY quietly releasing 7″ eps for over a decade now. A new full length is reportedly in the works. Let’s hope it showcases more effort than these rather lackadaisical experimental eps.

  • Not gonna make me a cup of tea? That’s a deal breaker right there.

  • Waynecro
    • Black Unbeard

      DAWWWWW

    • more beer

      Dammit did you not read about the lady in Florida. Who got mauled by her Pit bull. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/75ac0e162e3449cef15966fb34ed6e33074fbd357b04383699add19d8597654b.jpg For trying to put a Christmas sweater on the poor dog. Do not dress your dog up. Or else they will eat your face. But he does look kind of like this guy.

      • Waynecro

        I did not put those antlers on my dog. My brother’s girlfriend did it. Hegel utterly destroyed those antlers about four seconds after the photo. Plus, I also had to wear those goddamned antlers for holiday photos, so Hegel and I shared the shame.

        • more beer

          Damn dude.

          • Waynecro

            I pretty much hate Christmas.

          • more beer

            So do I. I spent it with a lady friend with no holiday bullshit.

    • Holy crap that’s a cute doggo

    • GoatForest

      Indeed.

  • Howard Dean

    I prefer my Fleurety with fewer drug analogies and less prog-hipster praise and with moreeagle-esque shrieks so shrill that they permanently destroyed the dude’s voice. Early demo/EP era Fleurety or GTFO!

    Seriously, most extreme vocals ever. Take a listen, plebs:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u7xYDk_sE2k

    • sweetooth0

      ONLY EAGLE SHRIEKS IN UNDERGROUND PARKING GARAGE BM IS REAL!!!

      • Óðinn

        Yeah, sounds like tire squeals in an underground parking lot. Tire squeals or GTFO.

      • Dumpster Lung

        Makes Vektor’s vocals sound like James Earl Jones.

    • Black Unbeard

      im not convinced in their ability to shoot, or even in their gun safety practices, by the looks of these promo pictures
      http://www.metal-archives.com/images/1/0/1/8/1018_photo.jpg

    • more beer

      I prefer my drugs with less Fleurety!

    • Space Monster W.

      You turned me onto this in an edition of Whiff o’ the Week, and man does it slay. Those vocals are the gnarliest thing ever.

    • Dumpster Lung

      Holy shit, that is nuts. Damn, how did I never hear of these guys until now? This is cool as hell.

  • Dark Spirit of Cold Ural Mount

    The guy holding Uzi kinda looks like Max Payne

  • Dumpster Lung

    Awesome write-up as always, Richter!