Papa Roach Needs $$ and Possibly Snacks

Guys… guys. Get hyped. What if I told you that for a few measley dollars, you could relive the late 90’s NuMetal craze? Well GOOD FUCKING NEWS! This is as real as it gets!!

NuMetal darlings Papa Roach have a Pledge Music campaign! CELEBRATE, MY EARLY 2000 ANGSTY TEENAGE WHITE PEOPLE! You sad children who wanted so badly to like hip hop, but were too scared of black people to actually buy music, let alone attend shows with them, YES! You can now pledge your hard earned wads of cash to help create a new album! And since this is Pledge Music, and we have no idea how much money Papa Roach needs or how much they will raise with this campaign, there is an absolute 0% chance of humiliation if they don’t make enough money and have to go back on the road to play highway strip clubs to survive!

Relive the early 2000’s, when you could be sad and emotional but still be a hardcore bro in eyeliner. Remember the glory of driving your mom’s old Chevy Cavalier while blasting Scars and feeling things about the girl in math class. Do you still have your JNCOs and wallet chains? Bust that shit out! Hair gel? Smear it all over your receding hairline! Not only will you get some sweet ass new tunes, but for a mere $500 you can learn to write songs like Papa Roach!! Holy shit, what a deal!! Can you imagine having the incredible songwriting skills that these rap/rockers have? Being able to switch between emo whine-singing and suburban white bro rap?

Did I mention that they did a track with Maria Brink?! Yes, THAT Maria Brink!

Well I personally can’t contain my excitement for any longer. Not only will I be throwing one thousand clams so that I can play soccer with them (SERIOUSLY, SOCCER!), I will also sell one of my kidneys because I need the $750 sweat-stained vest worn by Jacoby himself. You know what? Fuck it, I’m going to sell all my shit so I can pay $75,000 for a private acoustic show! Because why live if you can’t endure an entire hour’s worth of acoustic music played by the one and only Papa Roach?

Why live, guys?

Why live?

Written by:

Published on: May 30, 2016

Filled Under: Lolbuttz, Open Swim, Opinion

Views: 1570

Tags: , ,

  • tigeraid

    It is not a holiday for us Canadians. But surely, a Papa Roach post will make it feel like a holiday.

    • Eliza

      If Papa Roach plays, it feels worse than having to work.

      • i agree, can i go back to work now?

        • more beer

          No go drink beer and smoke herb all day. It is a holiday for fucks sake!

          • pfff i JUST woke up

          • more beer

            So did I. Coffee and dabs for breakfast!

          • time zones, mb!

          • more beer

            I understand the concept. But I have to get ready for another day of barbecue & beer. This is just pre-game warm ups!

          • oh, you know me, ill get there soon enough

          • more beer

            As it should be!

        • Eliza

          If you have to.

    • JWEG

      I’m using the American half of my family as an excuse not to do any work today. If anyone calls I fully intend to claim to be in the States celebrating with them.

      I just hope none of them checks the GPS on my phone…

  • Groo The Wanderer

    Lock up your creepy uncles, folks, Jacoby’s back!

  • Eliza


    • Hubert

      I share this sentiment.

    • hey… this kickstarter was our Last Resort

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    Shitpost Saturday just moved to Monday.

    • what a Kick In the Teeth

      • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

        Jiminy plz!

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod
  • Maik Beninton™

    • Mother Shabubu

      You don’t want that refrigerator from the Papa Roach studio?

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    HOLY FUCK! Those 750$ passes are ALL GONE.

    • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

      As well as 134$ handwritten lyric sets

      • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

        And 413$ signed kick drum head

      • Sir Tapir The Based

        You bought those, don’t lie.

        • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

          It’s for… research purposes.

    • Maik Beninton™

      There’s still time to have that baby prop used on the art of the album cover for LoveHateTragedy.

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      You can still buy their fridge.

    • 750$ is CHEAP, you guys are practically Getting Away With Murder

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    I’d pay 1000 dollars to play bubble soccer with Papa Roach.

  • Thanks for posting this guys, we worked rill hard on the material. Much love! m/ Keep metal real [emotional]

  • Bunk Moreland

    P badass: his three boys are named McHale, Jagger, and Brixton.

  • EsusMoose

    100 dollars for a disposable camera with photos they already took, great! Cause you know people still develop those like the early 00’s loser they are.


  • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

    Papa Roach is still a thing? Gross…
    Don’t listen to Papa Roach. Listen to good music, like this new demo from Oklahoma blackened grindcore act FVRLVRN.

  • Sir Tapir The Based

    Holy fuck, there could be two Blut Aus Nord albums next year. I am excitement!

    • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

      “In the meanwhile, Vindsval (BLUT AUS NORD) and Bjarni Einarsson (SINMARA, SLIDHR) are working on the first Yərûšəlem album.

      Yərûšəlem is not to be considered as a side project but as a real thematic emanation of a specific BLUT AUS NORD facet bringing up a shamanic, hideously heavy and deeply ritualistic form of extreme music.

      The first Yərûšəlem offering could be released by the end of the year. Time will tell…”

    • mmmmmmmmmmm

  • Why live?
    I don’t know.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    You think this is exciting? The Union Underground reunited! One of the great unknown nu metal acts is back!

    • Groo The Wanderer
    • more beer

      I’m guessing they are unknown because they are not great.

      • Groo The Wanderer

        I think they were Harriet Tubman’s nu metal band.

    • brokensnow

      They had 2 “good” songs. bass player went on to play for disturbed and make something resembling money.

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        I’m friends with the drummer on Facebook.

  • Hans Müller

    Screw the unplugged set, I’m buying their studio, have em play for me erryday brah.

    Luckily, Mailmanbro has delivered my TovH shirt today, so not even Papa Roach forcing me to acknowledge their existence can bring me down. Huzzah!

  • Óðinn

    “Papa Roach needs an ass kicking” – Óðinn

    • more beer

      You sir are correct.

  • Groo The Wanderer

    In other news, a series of pentagrams and 666’s were found in a spectrogram of the new Doom soundtrack.

    • Max

      Is this supposed to make kids commit suicide after playing the game backwards?

      • Groo The Wanderer

        No, that would be Papa Roach. #JacobyKillsWithHerpeFeels

  • The_Dude


  • Since we’re open swim and all, i thot (at least) ₩ would get a kick out of this like we did last night.

  • Groo The Wanderer

    And for those wanting some extra fancy beer drinking (looking at you, More Beer) for the holiday, why not some whale vomit-spiced beer?

  • CT-12
  • Groo The Wanderer

    Helly3ah’s guitarist on why bands aren’t selling records like they used to:

    “Tom: “Well, people don’t wanna buy
    dogshit. You know what I mean? I think that’s why. That’s really
    basically what it comes down to. There’s just so much oversaturation and
    just so many bands, and none of them sound original; everybody sounds
    like the band you just listened to before. I put on a heavy metal radio
    station here in the States, [and] nine times out of ten, I can’t tell
    who’s who. So why would people go out and spend good money on music that
    fucking sucks? So, yeah, I get it [why] people will buy one or two
    songs at a time, because usually that’s the only… most records only have
    one or two good songs nowadays, so why would they wanna go spend all
    their money on a whole record that sucks ass.”

    No more ironic words have been spoken in the history of, well, anything!

  • Rowsdower

    My parents divorced at a young age so I think I’m already qualified to write songs like Papa Roach.