Ostrichcopter II: Sharkjet Strikes Back

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A few months back I told you about Bart Jansen and his macabre biomechanical monstrosity, the Ostrichcopter. Turns out Mr. Jansen was unsatisfied with desecrating just the corpse of a humble flightless bird. Now, the mad scientist has returned with a diabolical new abomination to take vengeance against a society that shunned me.

First there was the Catdrone. In 2012, Jansen’s beloved cat Orville was tragically struck down in the prime of its life by a rogue passenger vehicle. Jansen vowed that day that he would not rest until he had breathed life anew into Orville and unleashed him upon the cruel world of men. Bizarrely, people loved Orville, despite the fact that the beloved house pet was now a quad-copter cyborg that could easily infiltrate your peaceful suburban home through an open window. I blame the toxoplasmis gondii parasites that have slowly been infecting our brains ever since we brought cats out of Egypt.

Then, in 2013, Jansen appropriated the corpse of an ostrich in order to live out his sick, twisted fantasies of becoming the hero from the Joust video game. One can only imagine that he has every intention of mounting this winged terror and riding it to victory over the sneering, flightless soil-trodders stuck here on Earth. However, to achieve such a decisive conquest and to claim supremacy, Jansen realized he would need more than one cat and one ostrich. He would need a veritable army of winged locusts. So he looked to those who may be sympathetic to his cause.

Pepeijin Bruins was in an emotionally compromised state when the devious Jansen and his maniacal partner Arjen Beltman approached him on a misty morn when the fog from the sea-dykes had smothered the city in a somber, portentous blanket. The 13-year-old’s beloved pet rat Rajtetoe had lost its fight to cancer the previous evening and was granted rest by a sympathetic vet. But that rest was not to be. Bruins, with tears on his cheeks to match the soft streaks of condensed fog on the window panes, was desperate to see his sweet Rajtetoe moving once more, so he struck a deal with the devil. “Make them pay for killing him with their blasted smog and processed cheese,” he told Jansen and Beltman, “and you may do as you wish with him.” And do as they wished, they did. Sweet, docile Rajtetoe was transformed into a nefarious infiltrator capable of eluding laser trip wires and stealing precious data whilst flitting about on silent rotors.

Jansen’s plans for vengeance were nearly complete. Armed with three corpse drones that could be combined to form an invincible Spider-Slayer-esque nightmare carrion cyborg of feather, fur, and fury, Jansen and Beltman would soon be capable of showing the world what happens when you shove someone in a locker one too many times before running over his cat. But a home invasion one night almost proved Jansen’s ruin. An interloper, wishing to steal Beltman’s engineering secrets to bring back to his own government for re-engineering, was able to escape the slower-moving Ostrichcopter on the seat of his getaway Vespa. Thankfully for Jansen (and problematically for the rest of us), a freak manhole explosion sealed the fate of this would-be hero. But it also gave Jansen an idea, a seed of an even more diabolical plan to construct a deathborg that could fly farther and faster than the Rodent Bird Aerial Death Combiner Bot. Then, after viewing Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus the next evening, Jansen found an answer.

Jansen and Beltman were able to successfully bribe a local Dutch aquarium to acquire the body of a young white tip reef shark by promising the aquarium scientists writing credits in a peer-reviewed journal article. However, all Jansen and Beltman had any intention of writing was a recipe for our demise. After months of invoking ancient, arcane knowledge and performing secret atrocities upon the fish victim, Sharkjet was born, and none of us will ever be safe again.

So when will the mad scientist and his unscrupulous partner unleash death upon us? I can only believe that the answer is soon, as Jansen is seemingly capable of finding dead animal after dead animal to desecrate in pursuit of his unholy domination. What does he have in store for the future? If these surveillance photos obtained by the CIA are anything to go by, a Badgersub and a Cowcopter will soon be part of Jansen and Beltman’s cabinet of atrocities.

Truly, we are witnessing the end of days.

Then out of the smoke came locusts upon the earth, and power was given them, as the scorpions of the earth have power. – Revelation 9:3

(h/t Rob Price for Business Insider. Photos VIA)

  • Mvthvr Shvbvbv 8

    KEKopter.

    I get a very Monty Python’s Flying Circus vibe from this article.

    • Trump’s Brainfart Jock Strap

      Lol, as did I. Hence me posting the Dead Parrot skit.

  • KJM, Doom Hunter General

    Does the Shark Jet have a freakin’ laser beam on it’s head?

  • Shrimp in a Pizza Box

    If this isn’t illegal already I have a feeling it will be soon.

    • Trump’s Brainfart Jock Strap

      Most likely it is, since it’d be considered desecration of a corpse.

      • more beer

        I think that only applies to human corpses.

        • Óðinn

          Yeah. I’d guess that, unless he uses a protected species or something explicitly illegal like elephant ivory, what he’s doing is legal. Of course, laws vary in different countries and territories.

          • more beer

            It is still a really weird thing to be doing. Legal or not. One can only hope one of these has a horrible crash onto his head. Which would make him an instant Darwin Award winner.

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    This is like some cosmic intersection of awesome and horrifying that may welcome outer monstrosities to consume us all.

  • Need a Grizzly Bear corpse cyborg foot soldier to compliment the aerial assault.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      I’ll suggest it to Skynet

    • Vote for Jeb

      It would terrifying if he put treads on a grizzly. Also illegal, I’d imagine.

  • BEARD OV GREAT DAWKINS

    So weird

  • Trump’s Brainfart Jock Strap

    Deeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr……..

    http://i.ytimg.com/vi/G2DCExerOsA/hqdefault.jpg

  • CyberneticOrganism
    • Óðinn
    • Óðinn
    • Óðinn
      • This movie happened to be on Friday night and although I’ve seen it many times before, I watched it again. Lately I seem to have the same attitude as the main character towards work.

        • Óðinn

          Yup. Working in a place that suppresses your spirit can be depressing. I’ve been there.

    • KJM, Doom Hunter General

      Unfortunately Skype depends on IE. Fortunately for me I don’t use Skype.

      • Óðinn

        Yeah, I’m not a big fan of Skype. I prefer to use GoToMeeting or FaceTime personally. I find that they work much better than Skype. I’ve found Skype to be unreliable.

        • Join the FB group…sometimes we have Google Hangouts!

          • Óðinn

            Don’t get me started on Facebook and Google. I dislike both companies.

            I am considering joining the Facebook group in spite of my dislike for Facebook. Joe asked me to join at one point, and he seems like a genuinely nice person (as do many in the Toilet). I kind of feel like I should join.

          • *lolz to self* yeah, Joe’s probably the nicest guy on the internet. plus you’ll get to hear more details about JJD’s escapades!

          • Óðinn

            JJD dating tips?

    • Stockhausen

      The How To guy has to be one of the strangest humans out there.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        That apartment must be pure salmonella by now with the amount of raw food he violently throws around

        • Stockhausen

          Truly, truly I say to you: truly.

    • 365chaosriddendays

      Thanks for the lesson, I think this dude is a kind of different Steve Jobs: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=toQg19C6mjU

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        How to win over women by JJD

        1. Listen to them
        2. Complement them
        3. Do whatever you can to make them happy
        4. Make them laugh
        5. Don’t pressure them to do anything they don’t want to do.
        6. Don’t be too clingy
        7. Don’t be too cheap when buying them things
        8. Tell them romantic things like “I miss you” when you’re away from each other
        9. Don’t lie to them or keep secrets
        10. Be spontaneous. Women love that.

        This is how I get women to like me. Use these tips and you’ll win them over in no time!

        • How many of these did Joe forget to include on his Van Halen Date, I wonder . . . ?

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            Probably one or two.

        • How to win over a woman by JRRRichter

          1. Accidentally take her to a maximum douche-factor bar because it’s the only bar in town you know of because you don’t drink in bars.
          2. Sit in your car for ten minutes before meeting her, listening to Christian Death and hyperventilating.
          3. Wear a Kayo Dot shirt.
          4. Drink Boddington’s Pub Ale.
          5. When she asks “What is Kayo Dot,” nearly pop a blood vessel in your eye trying to avoid some kind of metal-based diatribe.
          6. Laugh at all of her musical likes. Snidely, but not TOO snidely.
          7. Admit your fear of skeletons.
          8. Hug her overly platonically after Last Call.
          9. Awkwardly turn down an invite to hang out and drink more back at her hotel room.
          10. Rest assured that SHE IS NOW YOURS.

          • KJM, Doom Hunter General

            One of the many great things about my neighborhood is that even a total scrug can find many tasteful pubs and restaurants to have a good date at.

          • No shortage of decent places in my neighborhood. I must have been worse than a total scrug, then. But now we have found many places with a low to nonexistent douche-factor, so I suppose I am now only a partial scrug.

          • more beer

            Mine also. I don`t typically go to the shittier bars anymore. As I am picky about the beer I drink. Dive bars don`t typically serve craft beers or really good food.

          • I liek how she stays at a hotel

          • Óðinn

            #5 is deal killer. If she’s not a Kayo Dot fan, then just walk out. Taunt her by dating her even hotter friend who also wears a Kayo Dot shirt. That’ll teach her. 😉

          • Every girl has a friend who is a hot Kayo Dot fan. FACT.

        • Based Pingu

          How to win over women by Pingu

          1. You’re gonna die alone anyway, so what’s the point?
          2. There is no step 2.

          • BEARD OV GREAT DAWKINS

            Step 3. Profit

          • Mvthvr Shvbvbv 8

            Uh, yeah there is. Step 2 is muy importante.

            2. Die.

          • 3. Stab them if they continue living.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I would never kill her Link. She makes me very happy

        • more beer

          That sounds like a great way to have them walk all over you. Then leave you for some guy who is going to treat them like shit.

          • KJM, Doom Hunter General

            How to easily win over men/women by KJM:
            1) Have guaranteed 24/7 access to drugs.
            2) Have guaranteed 24/7 access to money.
            3) Be an attractive, smooth talking con artist.

            How to have a long lasting, worthwhile romantic relationship by KJM:
            1) Find the right person.
            2) Bust your ass to the point of near insanity in order to make it work.
            3) Die or go insane in the attempt.

          • more beer

            In our now disposable society. The first 3 are probably the way to go. Those are better choices than dying insane.

          • BEARD OV GREAT DAWKINS

            The real key is being able to restrain from murdering said person on a daily basis

          • KJM, Doom Hunter General

            Agreed.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I wouldn’t murder any lady friend of mine. Ive learned that my methods when it comes to winning women over will not work forever.

          • BEARD OV GREAT DAWKINS

            Let me know when youve learned methods after 4 or 5 years of dealing with a person

          • KJM, Doom Hunter General

            When they complain about you snoring yet again although they snore just as loud and you never care. -____-

          • BEARD OV GREAT DAWKINS

            Or you do care and youre one night from smothering them with a pillow

          • KJM, Doom Hunter General

            and jeez, would it kill them to turn on the heat at their place during the Winter? If I wanted to sleep in a cave, I’d go camp in New Hampshire.

          • BEARD OV GREAT DAWKINS

            Personally id rather it be cold. I have to deal with mine turning the heat up to 75+, and tuen she wonders why a big hairy fucker like myself is sweating while he sleeps

          • Trump’s Brainfart Jock Strap

            I’m imagining you saying that in a Sam Kinison voice.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o70wMlJO3ck

          • Trump’s Brainfart Jock Strap

            I don’t snore. I suck at sharing my personal space, so there’s one thing. I gave up on relationships 7 years ago.

          • BEARD OV GREAT DAWKINS

            Sluts >>>>>>>>>

          • Trump’s Brainfart Jock Strap
          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I do have access to money and I am a very smooth talker but I don’t have access to drugs.

          • more beer

            You just think you don`t drugs are everywhere!

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I don’t buy drugs. They probably are everywhere though.

          • more beer

            They are everywhere in your area.

          • BEARD OV GREAT DAWKINS

            Like my nose!

          • more beer

            Especially like your your nose.

          • KJM, Doom Hunter General

            When I say access to money and drugs, I mean lots of money not “part time job” money and dealer level amounts of drugs.

          • Trump’s Brainfart Jock Strap

            Oh, I guarantee that at least half of your recent high school friends can solve that in 3 seconds.

          • Trump’s Brainfart Jock Strap

            And you’re a………….

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7wRHBLwpASw

            Or a Burger Man.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I do dress very nice.

          • Trump’s Brainfart Jock Strap

            Your first 3 sounds a little too much like Bill Cosby’s!

          • KJM, Doom Hunter General

            Oh no, no roofie dates here!

          • Trump’s Brainfart Jock Strap

            Good! Some kush, beers and hanging out will do the trick just fine. I’m more than sure, sadly, with all my years of bar hopping, that I’ve seen a woman’s drink get drugged without knowing it.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            Well it did work when it comes to my current lady friend.

          • BEARD OV GREAT DAWKINS

            Like me!

          • more beer

            Like many guys.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            If that’s what happens so be it. I would never treat a woman like shit.

          • Trump’s Brainfart Jock Strap

            No should you, ever. But be casual, and don’t try to go all white knight and shit. Chicks honestly do like it better when you’re laid back and smooth, rather than trying to be a rose-dropping co-dependent.

            PS, I just noticed the staggering lack of women on this page. Mrs. Masterlord and Elizabeth Short show up here and there, but that’s about it.

          • KJM, Doom Hunter General

            Yep. It’s a chorizo fest all up in here. We suck.

          • Óðinn
        • Mvthvr Shvbvbv 8

          1. I can barely listen to my friends talk about their banal existence, but a stranger?
          2. I’m an over-honest fuck. I calls ’em as I sees ’em.
          3. I can’t make myself happy, how the fuck am I supposed to know how to make someone else happy?
          4. No one likes/gets my perverted, morbid sense of humor.
          5. Obvs
          6. I’m the polar opposite of clingy. I try to push people away thanks to my little complexes.
          7. Not a lot of $$$
          8. Ew. Only my cat gets the “I miss you” stuff.
          9. I am a human vault. No one knows my real feelz.
          10. Like randomly whipping out my dick and pissing on the floor spontaneous? Or like kleptomaniac spontaneous?

          This is why I spend a lot of time on the internet.

        • Trump’s Brainfart Jock Strap

          How are you, 15? That definitely wouldn’t have worked with most of my ex’s! Eh, the secret I found that made my last one work so well was that we were more or less best friends that happened to love each other. No gimmicks (though I did get her things like concert tickets and a dinner at Alinea, which is considered the top restaurant in America, here and there).

          I won’t date anyone who’d expect me to put up a front.

    • Just shot a half-masticated Jimmie John’s #14 sandwich out my nose.

  • Trump’s Brainfart Jock Strap
  • Óðinn
  • EsusMoose

    I really don’t like the eyes on the catcopter

  • Óðinn

    Thanks W. I can’t really say I agree with what this guy is doing. Even if you consider that Jansen is using previously deceased animals, what he is doing is not really innovative at all. The technology to produce these ‘copters already exists, and he’s not really adding anything useful or new to the technology. Octocopters are being used on film shoots, and provide great aerial footage without the use of dead animals for example. Taxidermy is not a new process either. Far from it. In fact trophy animals are are largely seen as negative now thing now in western culture. It actually seems like Jansen is making some kind of statement in an effort to draw attention to himself, and it appears to be working. If Jansen’s process somehow becomes a trend, it’s not that much of leap to think that others will start killing animals to mimic what Jansen is doing. In short, what Jansen is doing is unnecessary and could lead to the willful destruction of animals for nothing more than a selfish gimmick.

    • Óðinn
    • more beer

      This is possibly the weirdest hobby ever. It also probably guarantees no woman on earth will ever touch him.

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        Exactly what I think. At least women like me.

        • Óðinn

          “Women like you”? I thought you were a man, Jim. 😉

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I am a man. I’m just really good with women.

          • Óðinn

            I know. Sorry, I just couldn’t resist telling the joke.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I’ve always been much better with women. Women just like me more.

          • Trump’s Brainfart Jock Strap

            No, you are Devo!

        • more beer

          Because you aren`t fly animal carcasses around Poughkeepsie. Start doing that women will not like you.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I would never do that. Too much work.

          • more beer

            I agree. But is also just bat shit crazy.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            It is insane.

          • Trump’s Brainfart Jock Strap

            Crazy, but I would like to see him do that with a blue whale! *cues Gojira’s ‘Flying Whales’*

      • Trump’s Brainfart Jock Strap

        Oh you’d be surprised! There’s probably some chick who’s 12 cans short of a 6 pack who’d totally get off on something like this. Her and Dr. Human Centipede here would hit it off almost immediately.

        • more beer

          Valid point there is always that one crazy chick.

          • Trump’s Brainfart Jock Strap

            Name me ANYTHING in the world, and I guarantee there’s at least one person getting high off of it or getting off on it.

          • more beer

            I can`t argue with that. People are fucked up.

          • Trump’s Brainfart Jock Strap

            Yep! We are quite the quirky little species.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUyA7yZJnHk

    • Vote for Jeb

      A. I’ve written about this from a WTF perspective cuz I think it’s weirdly and wrong on some level. B. I’m pretty sure he’s an artist and considers these pieces of art. C. At least part of me thinks this is funny in a deranged, “I sometimes enjoy bad taxidermy” sort of way, but I wouldn’t want it to become a trend.

      • Trump’s Brainfart Jock Strap

        Now if they do it with people, they can use my corpse anytime! I could fly and rub my cock and balls on people’s heads, fly away and not be arrested, which, even though I don’t believe in an afterlife, would give me much joy after death.

      • Óðinn

        Thank for the reply W. Yeah, I feel like it’s wrong on some level too. It would be interesting to know more about Jansen’s training as an artist, what other works he’s done, and whether he has done anything of note. Not that you are obliged to provide that information, but I’m just curious. Art is subjective to a degree, but I’m curious about the reputation and background of the artist. Maybe I’ll do a bit of digging on my own.

        Now you’ve got me curious about this weird thing. 😉

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    I’ve been unable to talk to my new lady friend due to having family up. I’m missing her so much.

    • Trump’s Brainfart Jock Strap

      You can snuggle with Pingu in the meantime.

      • KJM, Doom Hunter General

        (nooting intensifies)

        • Trump’s Brainfart Jock Strap

          Sounds kinky! Vivid’s already got their contract ready for the upcoming JJD/Pingu sex tape.

          • KJM, Doom Hunter General

            Vivid’s too high class for them. They’re working for Dogfart!

          • Trump’s Brainfart Jock Strap

            I guess that could count as interracial. Bang Bros. might go for it.

            PS, Vivid gave us the Kim Kardashian sex tape, so high class flew out the window with that one.

      • Based Pingu

        Snuggling with me, that’s a stabbin’

        • Trump’s Brainfart Jock Strap

          Snuggling with me, that’s a purring.

          FTFY

    • Easy there tiger. Don’t forget your own tip #6 for winning women over.

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        I should remember that when we’re apart.

  • 🙁

  • Trump’s Brainfart Jock Strap
  • Waynecro

    My company covers drone technology pretty closely, so I brought this information to the attention of some of the tech analysts I edit for. They seem to have reached a consensus: Animal-carcass drones’ lack of commercial appeal diminishes their ability to disrupt markets and drive technological innovations. Likely, attaching animal carcasses to drones will remain of interest only to hobbyists, artists, and future serial killers who are handy with tiny screwdrivers. At best, animal-carcass drones may drive sales of consumer 3D printers to a very small degree; at worst, and much more likely, the drones will worry people and emit a foul odor before they get tangled in power lines.

    • Vote for Jeb

      HA!