On The Road With Dischordia: Part I

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Do you enjoy fiscal irresponsibility? Do you like explaining your highly irregular pastime to regular people who don’t understand? Do you hate showering? Then join me, amigos, as we climb into a dirty, cramped van full of music gear and sweaty dudes. Ignore the smell, just enjoy the ride. Well, it’s a pretty bumpy ride due to our old rickety shocks, and most of your lower body will be numb from the length of the rides. And your brain sort of turns to mush around hour five. And no matter how much you clean up, there’s always trash everywhere. But, you know, enjoy it. This, my friends, is tour.

My band, Dischordia, is currently on a ten-day tour, during which we’ll play nine shows. It’s a fairly short, intense outing, covering five states as we go from Oklahoma to California and back. This is our fifth tour, and we’re definitely getting better and better at the routine. Well, I should actually say that our guitarist is getting better at booking and organizing, and the drummer and I are getting better at farting in the van. Either way, touring is a really interesting beast to tame, and I’ll be talking about life on the road, touring tips, our shows, and what it’s like to be in my mom’s favorite death metal band.

3/13/15

Here we are! We’re currently en route to Albuquerque, New Mexico, which is about an eight-hour drive. This will be our fourth time playing there, so we have some people that know us and look forward to our shows. The venue we’ll be playing is in the middle of a sketchy area of Albuquerque known as “The Warzone,” so named because your chances of getting shot are comparable to a situation in which trained, armed soldiers are given the sole task of shooting everything. We had a kick-off show in our hometown of Oklahoma City last night, and it went really well. I’ve been really sick for about four days, which is a horrible way to start tour, but I survived the first show and have been able to get some sleep in the van. I am slightly worried because my throat hurts a lot right now and I’m the lead vocalist. However, not being a poser hvkk should help, so we’ll see how tonight goes.

Listening to:

Lux OccultaKołyanski

3/14/15

Surprisingly, last night went really well. The venue was a tiny DIY place that had more animal bones on the wall than any other venue we’ve played, and that must have helped my kvlt powers. We had a good show, sold a lot of merch, and got a solid amount from the door. Settling on payment for a show is a really sketchy deal in the metal world, and we’ve been burned a lot. I remember playing New Orleans once and the promoter said we’d get three bucks a person from the door, and the venue was packed that night. At the end of the night, the rule suddenly meant that we’d get three bucks a head if they said they came to see Dischordia. Right, we must have missed that in the original email we went back and read to try and get the money we were due. We also played a show in San Antonio where we were promised three bucks a person, but after everyone played, another band (who wasn’t on tour) complained loudly and childishly enough to the promoter that they got a big cut of our money. Crappy people are out there, and they do seem to enjoy making everything awful.

IMG_0680Fortunately, we’ve come across some really solid people that we can reconnect with when we come back to certain cities. Albuquerque is one of our homes-away-from-home now, and we can always count on a good show. Plus, Dischordia’s original bass player now lives there, so we have a guaranteed place to crash. Oh, and he has a dinosaur in his backyard. We had a good time catching up last night over a couple beers after the show, and this morning he took us to the gun range for some good old-fashioned American fun. Did a terrorist blow up your freedoms today? No, because they all took one look at my grim (and frostbitten) accvracy and went back to Terrorist Land. You’re welcome.

IMG_6374On our way out of town we stopped at a Wal Mart to stock up on food, which brings up a very important point: you need to take care of yourself on tour. We did a tour last year without having a food system in place, which meant that we basically lived off hot wings and beer for the duration. Tour is a weird thing for a human body to jump into, and that combined with our diet on that outing wrecked us. Every bowel movement was a chore, which, uh, always brought to mind a certain writing utensil. So now we spend a few extra bucks at the beginning to stock up on bread, good lunch meat, good cheese, fruits and vegetables, etc., and then we keep it all in a cooler (keep them in gallon zip bags and fill the cooler with ice). I can’t tell you what a different that makes in not feeling like garbage, and the money that it saves in the long run.IMG_6358

After a six-hour driving shift, we’re now in Tempe, AZ. We stopped for a bathroom break in Gallup, NM, where I used to live for six years as a kid. We went to a crappy gas station and the urinal was filled with ice, and that pretty much summed up all my time there. Alright, show time.

Listening to:

Kaizer’s OrchestraVioleta Violeta, Vol. III

Schizoid Lloyd – The Last Note in God’s Magnum Opus

Plebeian GrandstandLowgazers

Lots and lots of Tom Waits 

3/15/15

First things first, you guys need to check out Lago. This was our second time playing with them, and those dudes seriously rule. They helped set the show up beforehand, brought a big crowd, and took great care of us. It also helps that they play some really excellent death metal. We made some solid money from the show, and our gas funds are looking to be in good shape (insert fart joke later, cuz gas lol). Story time! There was an old drunk guy at the show who talked our ears off after we played. But before we went on I was warming up behind the venue, and he came over to me, leaned in close, and said “Before your first song, say that you dedicate it to Lynyrd Skynyrd. Grandfather Lynyrd Skynyrd. Everyone in the place will cry. Native American Pride,” and then made very uncomfortable eye contact with me. Tomorrow I’ll come up with an amazing reply, but I think I just said “Yeah man,” and tried to be as invisible as possible.

After the show, a friend from my drum corps days put us up and treated us very well. He lured us in witIMG_6373h beer and waffles, we obviously never stood a chance. I gotta say, so far I feel like a bit of a wuss. We’ve had three great shows, we’ve gotten paid, we’ve slept in beds and taken showers, and we’ve eaten waffles. That’s not hardcore at all. We need to be fist-fighting promoters who dodge out on payments, fist-fighting bums who are trying to steal our gear, fist-fighting each other for the best sleeping spot in the van, and smelling like we crawled up our own butts and died. We’re a long way from “making it,” whatever that means in metal in 2015, but thankfully our tours are getting better and better. Making connections is huge, it really helps as you’re splitting your time between revisiting tour stops and breaking new ground. Our dates are partially planned around knowing where we will and won’t make money, and we always count on getting very little from new places. When we play Glendale, CA for the first time tonight, we’ll be fine if we don’t make much because we intentionally started off with some shows that put us in a comfortable place. There are always variables you can’t foresee, and Oakland (our Tuesday show) is a fairly stabby place, so staying flexible and not-stabbed is important.

Listening to:

The Dillinger Escape PlanOption Paralysis and Miss Machine

Things to Remember:

-Take care of yourself! Eat decent food, drink water, and get plenty of sleep when you can

-Bring baby wipes if you can’t get a shower

-Be intentional about making connections

-Lynyrd Skynyrd

I’ll be back for another installment soon!

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  • I always wonder how I would fare on tour in a van like that being as tall as I am.

    • They could probably strap you to the roof or something.

      • lol or just stand in the sunroof. nvm probably doesn’t have a sunroof

    • You would be crippled halfway through

      • Probably lol

        • We need to start a TOH tall person coalition.

          • lol we should

          • You’re 6′ 5″ right? Or were you 6′ 6″? Maybe Chuggly was 6’6″….

          • 6’5″ last time I checked. Hopefully I didn’t grow.

  • Tyree

    Things to Remember, but don’t is more like it.

  • Tyree
    • Honest question here, do you ever get overwhelmed by all the stuff you have to listen to? How do you find time to listen to it all lol?

      • Tyree

        It’s not that overwhelming.

    • Lacertilian

      Weedeater are on tour with King Parrot in your country.
      Just a friendly reminder.

  • Scrimm

    Fuck I’m so upset couldn’t make the AZ show, glad to hear it went well. Lago is some good shit, I only know the drummer, was supposed to lay down some vocals on a project he was in years ago that never went anywhere, but he’s a cool guy.

  • Edward/Breegrodamus

    Great listening selections, The Dillinger Escape Plan and Plebeian Grandstand among others. This is fantastic. More of you guys need to tour and write about it!

    • I can go on a road trip and write about it lol

      • Edward/Breegrodamus

        This hotel is pretty cool. Holiday Inn. Comfy and I got it at an affordable rate. Continental breakfast.

        Listening to: Alkaloid

        • Melechesh*. Seriously, I think Enki is my current AOTY until Cattle Decap demolishes everything

          • Edward/Breegrodamus

            I have a running list of my favorites so far but of course it’s a work in progress and I have a lot to look forward to. Apex Predator, Scar Sighted, Abyssal Gods, Home Is Where The Hatred Is, need to spend more time with Death Karma’s The History of Death and Burial Rituals part 1 and Mastery’s Valis

            Mother fucking Pyrrhon has music coming out this year. Jenny Death comes out tomorrow and based on the three songs I have heard I’ll be god damned if that doesn’t make my EOTY list.

          • That new pyrrhon is just an ep though right?

          • Edward/Breegrodamus

            Correct, five tracks.

          • Enemy Of The Free World

            Hardly makes any difference these days though.

          • Edward/Breegrodamus

            Their last album was eight tracks (I think without checking).

          • Enemy Of The Free World

            It was and anyways EP and album are very similar mediums.
            Much great stuff is released on Ep and splits and the vast amounts of the latter have brought EPs even closer to LP.

          • Edward/Breegrodamus

            You, Whom I Have Always Hated by all rights should be among my favorites but that staggered release schedule and them releasing music they already released as a part of the album kinda killed me.

            Krieg has two splits coming out which I am v excited about, too.

          • Dr. Dubz

            Chaos Echoes are clawing their way onto my list.

          • Edward/Breegrodamus

            As far as I know (and I have been wrong before, consider Embrional) I haven’t even heard of that one.

          • Dr. Dubz

            I got the promo, and it is super weird stuff. Keep your eyes peeled, Edling.

          • Edward/Breegrodamus

            Shit, you just reminded me of something (again). Shit.

          • Dr. Dubz

            These promos aren’t just precious jewels for you to horde like some Norse dragon. You gotta share that treasure, bro.

          • Edward/Breegrodamus

            I have a meeting on Friday with the old and the new owner at my job about my job, so I see my free time increasing a hundred fold in the very near future.

          • I wish you the best of luck ND!

          • Edward/Breegrodamus

            Thanks GL. I actually requested this meeting so as not to drag this out for another couple of weeks. I dunno what will happen with certainty but I have a strong feeling I know what will happen. I am secretly (well not a secret anymore lol) hoping for some kind of severance, which is unlikely but possible.

          • Stockhausen

            VALIS is so intense. And I love that Death Karma album.

          • Edward/Breegrodamus

            VALIS is tricky. I like it but I need more time with it cause it’s different.

          • JWG

            This pleases me. I have Enki back-ordered from HMV. It’s good to know it’s worth it (and more).

          • Lacertilian

            did you go back and give Emissaries a run?

        • Stockhausen

          I’m actually relaxing in a Holiday Inn in San Francisco right now. Livin’ the kvlt life.

          • Which one? That way we can totally creep on you.

          • Get outta the hotel and look at stuff. <3 SF.

          • Stockhausen

            Totally doing that soon.

          • What part of town are you staying in

          • Stockhausen

            Fisherman’s Wharf area, so prime jabroni tourist area.

          • Dude the wife and I were there a couple weeks ago. Fun times!

          • Stockhausen

            Indeed!

          • Dagon

            SF is one of the coolest cities I’ve been to.

      • Enemy Of The Free World

        I would read this, I have read dumber things, and enjoyed them, and continue to do so.

        • “this stupid fucker was going 45 in the left lane so I blasted nails and cut him off while flipping him the bird, metal”

    • I can write about my saturdays trips to my hometown!

  • Dr. Dubz

    I’m bummed Stockhausen didn’t include our text conversation about the urinal ice. I reminded him that lukewarm urine tastes AWFUL.

  • This was from standing, two handed, and at twenty yards. Nine milly with only a 3 1/2 inch barrel. Get at me. #Murica

    https://instagram.com/p/m_kh_4vdtn/?taken-by=jayalangoodwin

    • Scrimm

      Pretty happy with the accuracy of mine, but it’s a 4.25 inch barrel.

    • Do you carry that 9mm?

      • ~95% of the time.

        • What brand is it? I have been looking for recommendations on one to carry. I just haven’t tried real hard to find one….

          • Ruger SR9c.

            I’m eyeballing a Walther PPQ though. I don’t need more than one so if I get it one has to go.

          • Hmmmm. Interesting. Thanks man!

          • that PPQ is sexy. Wouldn’t it would be a tank to carry though?

          • Scrimm

            I think you just need to try them and see which one untlimately feels best in your hand. I tried several models and that’s what made the ultimate decision for me.

          • Well I am afraid to go look at them for fear of actually buying one. I am not sure if I want to commit. I had a target pistol/handgun that I almost never used. So I am afraid to repeat that cycle….

          • Scrimm

            That’s true. I forced myself to narrow it down after I looked and research the ones I really liked and go back again before I took the plunge. It is a big investment though.

          • Yeah, I am more of a shotgun gun guy anyway. I think I would rather invest in a bolt action rifle to coyote sniping…. I keep going back and forth.

          • Dr. Dubz

            I just want to pistol whip something.

          • Why not just do karate in the garage with one of your swords?

          • Dr. Dubz

            …I had no comeback to this. You win this round.

          • Dr. Dubz

            …I had no comeback to this. You win this round.

          • But really, don’t you hack stuff up with at least one of your swords? Sounds like quite a bit of fun!

          • But really, don’t you hack stuff up with at least one of your swords? Sounds like quite a bit of fun!

          • Dr. Dubz

            Oh, I like to bring my kukri when I go camping and use it for bushwhacking.

          • Why not just do karate in the garage with one of your swords?

          • Scrimm

            I’m hoping for that opportunity myself someday. I rifle whippied a guy in basic. Bought me a three day stay in the mental clinic.

          • Dr. Dubz

            Dang! Is that the incident you’ve referred to before that led them to think you were unbalanced?

          • Scrimm

            That was a big part of it yeah, but I think they knew most of them would have busted that guy in the teeth too. You don’t keep poking someone with the barrel of a rifle and taunting them unless you’re looking to get your ass kicked.

          • Dr. Dubz

            Were they loaded?!? That sounds like a terribly stupid thing for him to do.

          • Tyree

            This video is some funny shit.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2442_rmiidY

          • Scrimm
          • Tyree

            Holy shit. He just shot his kneecap off.

          • Scrimm

            Pretty much yeah. I like watching this stuff cause it helps me practice safer habits.

          • Tyree

            The guy in the classroom full of kids is so insane though. That dude definitely got fired.

          • Talk about insult to injury.

          • Scrimm

            The embarrassment. I can’t even imagine.

          • Tyree

            Holy shit yeah.

          • Tyree

            Here is another video of cops fucking up. NSFW

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wK_3p0gOV48

          • Scrimm

            What morons.

          • Tyree

            Hahaha. They just let him in with a gun. HUGE Morons.

          • Scrimm

            That’s some shit you’d expect to see in a movie, like a comedy movie about dumbass cops.

          • Scrimm

            No but I don’t know that for sure andconsider every gun loaded at all times and I fucking hate having one pointed at me. This was even worse cause we were trainees and the guy obviously didn’t have much respect for what the weapon could do.

          • Dr. Dubz

            I can see why you’d react the way you did.

          • Scrimm

            I warned him twice before I snapped too. I think the onlyt thing that reall got me in trouble was I hit him again after he was already on the ground. I was a dumb kid too though.

          • Tyree

            Shotgun is my gun of choice.

          • Maximumstoppingpower/10 !

          • Maximumstoppingpower/10 !

          • Tyree

            My next gun purchase is going to be a 10 gauge.

          • Nice! Get some 3″ #1 bird shot and keep that sucker underneath your bed. BOOM

          • Tyree

            I have a pump action Remington 12 gauge next to my bed now.

          • The 870 gets it done! sweet

          • Scrimm

            I want a shotgun too, but I also like having a 17 round clip.

          • Tyree

            Shotgun is my gun of choice.

          • Depends on how “concealable” you need it to be. My state has open carry so it doesn’t really matter if it “prints” haha.

            But it should be about as light as a Glock 19.

  • This was a great read, always wanted to tour when I was playing but it never happened. Did a couple road trips but I never went Ridin’ Dirty.

    • It’s the opposite for me. There are few things I like more than my own bed so touring sounds like a nightmare.

      • I love my stink cave, jajajaa

        ~LinkL

      • Tyree

        Noooooo.

      • Touring definitely sounds like a step above homelessness but anyone who does it is doing it for the love.

        • Tyree

          Rich Hoak was homeless for most of Brutal Truth’s running time.

          • Damn, never knew that. Hope he found some shelter.

          • Tyree

            I think it was around the Sounds of the Animal Kingdom era.

          • Enemy Of The Free World

            I got the feeling he wasn’t doing that well after their reunion either. Have no facts though. Just an impression.

          • Tyree

            Yeah it’s tuff making a living off of playing grind and smoking weed.

          • Enemy Of The Free World

            But what a life it is!

    • Enemy Of The Free World

      I’d love to be able to tour, once we (me + buddy) get this new thing off the ground that’s all I’ll be doing (within the limitations of getting gigs naturally), or rather individual gigs. Tours are an unfortunate no-go for me.

      • Sir Tapir the Based

        Ya have a band? I wants to hear!

        • Enemy Of The Free World

          We ‘aven’t been able to put anything out yet, but I’m aiming for this/next month.

          • Sir Tapir the Based

            What kind of music ya do? NSBM I guess?

          • I bet it is willy willy good music. If I had to guess!

          • Enemy Of The Free World

            I definitely shake my willy to it.

          • Sir Tapir the Based

            You shake your willy to it? Confirmed mainstream pop metal shit with NS lyrics!

          • Enemy Of The Free World

            Expecting to pull an Ensiferum and top the official chart with it naturally too, There’s always a market for NS pop metal.

          • Enemy Of The Free World

            Expecting to pull an Ensiferum and top the official chart with it naturally too, There’s always a market for NS pop metal.

          • Enemy Of The Free World

            Black metal, sorts of.

            Been doing all sorts of things before, but this is really the first that looks like it’s going to become something.

          • Sir Tapir the Based

            I knew it was gonna be NSBM!

          • Enemy Of The Free World

            You’ll love something coming up on the morrow.
            Pekka Siitoin…

          • Dr. Dubz
  • Tyree

    Any good beer joints during your travels Stocky?

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain
  • Tyree
  • DoYouThinkHeSaurus

    See, this was my favorite when I was a kid… and now I see she’s the most beautiful thing I ever saw!
    http://www.toiletovhell.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/IMG_0680-300×225.jpg

  • JWG

    I seem to have transplanted one aspect of road life into my daily life. I never do laundry until the day it’s too late to avoid wearing already-worn underpants (though at least I’m not reduced to someone else’s slightly-less-already-worn underpants). If I were touring, I (MIGHT) have the excuse that the next Laundromat is a day away. At home I’m just being a lazy slob.

    The pile got a bit too offensive (smelling) so it had to go in the wash. Fortunately I’m alone today, so nobody will object to my being clad for the next few hours in just a towel.

    …on my head.

    • Dr. Dubz

      You could just starting turning your undies inside out.

    • I’ve had that happen a couple times. I tend to go completely nude and wrap up in the most flamboyant blanket I can find and make people call me Emperor.

    • J.R.

      yeah when I’m wearing my Boy Scout uniform to classes, it is time to do laundry

  • Stocky!

    Have fun in the tour, good vibes!

    “Long life my friend”.

    • Enemy Of The Free World

      Hey! I’ve been playing the new Mors Principium Est a lot last couple of days. I think I’m refinding my thing for MDM.

      • Farty McPoopyCoalRoll

        Haven’t heard them in ages! I thought they broke up years ago.

        • Enemy Of The Free World

          They had some trouble when their guitarists left at the same time (arounf ’09, I think) but they’ve since made a comeback.

      • Awesome bro, that album is good too! 😀

  • Maik Beninton

    I don’t know how to pronounce Lvnvrd Skvnvrd.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Excellent idea for a tour diary. Take me with you next time. I know a place in the desert we can load up on free stuff.

    http://www.imfdb.org/images/thumb/a/a4/T2JDM79GL-1.jpg/601px-T2JDM79GL-1.jpg

  • Dagon

    It seems like a crazy yet awesome experience to tour. I think being locked inside a van is a great part of the feeling, swimming somewhere with your friends is probably nothing like it.

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Take along a sheep so that you have a decoy if Bigfoot or aliens demand your anus.

  • J.R.

    I lived in albuquerque for 4 or so years. 3rd grade to 1/4 way through 7th. The people who bought our house just put it up for sale and DAMN did they pimp it out. Nostalgia-ed pretty hard the other day looking at it.
    Thought I’d share. If you ever come to Huntsville Al. I could probably stash you guys in the backyard. “Mom tryst me these guys are cool I met them at a Toil-“

  • Guacamole Jim

    That Lvnvrd Skvnvrd shit was amazing. I love crazy people at shows.