On Suicide, Music, and Emotional Resonance

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This is a place for introspection.

Art is a mirror. It reflects an inner reality to those who behold it. It confides the self because it reflects the self.

Music is an excellent mirror. Most of us can attest to finding some sort of comfort in music. Misery loves company, so what better company to keep than a tortured soul that knows exactly how you feel?

My hypothesis is this: if you have experienced great joy or great sorrow, you assuredly have some soundtrack that plays in your mind whenever you walk through the corridors of memory.

__________

I’m no stranger to sorrow. A little over nine years ago, I began showing the first symptoms of a near decade-long battle with depression. My anxiety reached such a fever pitch that my parents made me go to the doctor. Casual observers could see my heart quite literally pounding inside my chest. Things were clearly not okay, but as many young men do, I simply bottled my feelings inside. I did not permit myself to grieve. I did, however, in the quiet and solitary moments, seek solace in music. I had only just begun to explore the depths of the genre I would come to love, but something about Metallica‘s more somber tracks resonated with me. I cannot think of the summer of 2006 without hearing “Fade to Black” in my mind, Hammett’s sorrowful solo crying out to my own inner being for counterpoint, for understanding.

__________

On July 9th, I lost the first of three friends this summer. James “Bozlinger” Hotel passed away in the night, and I reported on his death the next day. I watched an entire community of strangers grieve. I listened to Nine Inch Nails in his honor.

I am all alone this time around
Sometimes on the side I hear a sound
Places parallel I know it’s you
Feel the little pieces bleeding through

__________

In December of 2010, I very nearly committed suicide. I wrote a note, grabbed a knife, and went into my bathroom to kill myself. I cut my wrist, shallowly at first. I prayed for the first time in a long time. I thought of my mother. I decided not to do it. I left the bathroom and sat on my floor and called my friends for help. The hesitation marks on my wrist faded with time, but the emotional scars lasted longer. I still haven’t been able to talk about this with my parents, even five years later. If I’m really being honest, I guess I still see the fact that I reached that point a personal failure. It’s easier to be vulnerable here with strangers than with people who may be hurt by the poor decisions I made, even if those decisions were made long ago.

It took me some time before I could listen to certain artists again after that day. Type O Negative resonated too much. To this day, “September Sun” reminds me of the darkest day of my life. It reminds me that I am alive, that I chose what may be the harder path of pressing onward after reaching rock bottom. It reminds me of what might have been.

__________

On July 31st, a high school friend named Mat lost his long battle with mental illness. I didn’t hear about it for a couple weeks, but I again played the role of messenger, emailing old classmates. I hadn’t spoken to this friend in a few years, but I empathized with his grieving mother. I reflected on my relationship with him and wondered if things had been different had I been a better friend. I listened to Woods of Ypres and thought about how our actions are like ripples in water, felt by others we cannot see on distant shores.

There was a crack of electric light, coming down from a darkened sky
My dreams flashed before my eyes, as they were erased from my life.

__________

It wasn’t until summer of 2011 that I really came to terms with my depression and learned how to grieve. I learned how to let go by committing pieces of nostalgia to flame. I found a peace and a recognition that I would likely always have a predisposition towards sadness. Even in that, though, I learned to be content. Years later, music would resonate with me for entirely different reasons. In 2013, many of my favorite albums struck a mental chord because they reminded me of how far I had come. Even a haunting, plaintive song like “Passing Through” can actually be uplifting when you remember where you’ve been and seek joy in where you are.

__________

On August 5th, a good friend named Jordan took his own life. Just a week prior he was making plans to travel and talking about how excited he was to start his new graduate program. Life is impartial and unfair. For the first time since 2013, I cried. I cried in my office and tried to call other friends to let them know. This third death hurt the most. In the days since, I’ve had a lot of time for introspection. Over and over again I have found myself sitting in my office at home listening to A Black Sea by The Lion’s Daughter and Indian Blanket, a beautiful blend of unconventional black metal and folk spirituals. I keep thinking about how Jordan and I attended Pagan Fest a few years back, listening to Napalm Death‘s Utilitarian on the way there. I keep asking myself why. The truth is something I will likely never know.

I saw the daughter choose her fate,
tugging upon a rope
she’d hang,
to take her down,
down to that place.
I saw the daughter choose her fate.

__________

I am grieving, but I did not write this post to ask for sympathy. Having faced my own depression, death, and the fallout from it, I have learned how to embrace sorrow. I have good friends, faith, and a steadfast wife who supports me when the sea boils around me. I have my writing, and I can shape words to express my sorrow in ways that my tongue never could. I have music and the mirror it holds. I can look in that mirror and find a kindred to my suffering and know that I am never alone.

I wrote this post because I am certain that many of you are the same. You know what it means to suffer. You know what it means to hurt, and many of you use music as a coping mechanism. I wrote this because I want you to know that you are not alone. I want you to know that it is okay to grieve. Studies have shown that men are significantly more likely to commit suicide because they cannot reconcile their own pain with the external expectations, real or imaginary, they feel. I want you to know that it is okay. It is okay to grieve and admit failure rather than drowning yourself in booze or occupying yourself with work or burying your pain beneath material possessions. None of those things are inherently wrong, but sometimes we simply need to admit defeat, put on some music, and think.

I’m always here if you need me because I’ve been there.

(Photo VIA)

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  • I’m glad you’re here, W.

    …and this is a great post.

  • nbm02ss

    As someone who has on again and off again battles with depression and anxiety, thank you for this.

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      Amen to that. Im going through a depression because of losing a friend I care about due to my own craziness.

    • Dubzlinger, Malandro

      I figured a lot of us probably do.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Most of you already know the album that got me through a dark time. Not many of you know that I go through frequent depressions so it’s gotten me through more sadness than anything else has.

    • I know you do. You can always hit me up on FB if you need to talk.

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        Thank you.

  • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

    W. Powerful stuff, thanks for sharing.

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      I know how it feels to want to die. I attempted suicide almost two years ago. I thought that everything had crashed down so I took a bottle of pills and downed the whole thing. Im still here though and I will never do that again. I made some people very worried because of that.

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        I’m glad to hear the positive outcome JJD. My family history is a long line of alcoholism and mental illness. Suffice it to say I’ve been in many institutional waiting rooms as a visitor and as a guest. Music played a key role good and bad in my story. Some tunes are triggers, most aren’t.

  • I wholeheartedly wish society did a better job of letting people know
    what the symptoms of anxiety and depression are. In reality, I feel like
    almost everyone deals with these feeling at some or multiple points in
    their life.With the frequent occurrence in all people, I feel as though we could all do a better job (as a society) of learning and teaching how to deal with these feelings on a daily basis.

    Quite truthfully, I have never realized how anxious I have been my whole life. I always thought “other people” were the ones we experienced anxiety. I am guess I am still figuring this thing out.

    Great write up, W. Hopefully we can continue to be supportive of each other through our mutual love of all things music.

    GL

  • The Haunting Presence of Tyree

    Atmosphere and riffs can be an incredibly powerful thing. I’ve found in the last few years that Vemod have just kind of put me in this pure frostbitten trace when I listen to their 2012 album Venter på stormene. When I go into that album I can be in any mood whether it be sad, pissed, or whatever. The point is I can get lost in it really fucking hard and I think this is why I like black metal so much. Full on emotion happening that I can’t put my finger on exactly, but I find it to be complete bliss. Venter på stormene does this for me like no other album in recent years. It’s a masterpiece in my opinion. That Riff at 6:50 going into 7:16 just kills me every fucking time in this song, but there is so many more as well.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xjXRMAOnc7M

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      Agreed. And that section you mention is emotional and powerful as shit.

      • The Haunting Presence of Tyree

        “Powerful” is a perfect word for it.

  • RustyShackleford

    Thank you W. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life it’s that everyone has baggage. Emotions are insanely powerful; we’ve all got em and it’s incredibly important to embrace them. I always go back to Hendrix, sort of my gateway to emotionally powerful music (blues in particular, then later metal). Yep.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d_8e06mv5ak&index=13&list=PLSKWn7-U1EK5CG1QY_Tr-_FaG4gnjRNWc

    • Fuck, dude; Jimi can make my bad days better nearly every time.

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    Grievance. When you’re young you deny it from yourself. Then you get old. And showing grievance becomes weakness. It grows. Until it’s too late. You fall. But you can’t admit it. Because it’s not okay to need help, it’s not okay to have mental issues.
    You see it all around, you can tell. It’s horrible that it is so.

  • Guacamole Jim

    I’ve been blessed to never really have battled with deep depression myself. I have a problem with emotional detachment, though, and oft times music helps me feel empathy again (that sounds really psychotic, but I assure you, I’m not crazy; I can just get kind of callous). It’s like where some people would feel depression, I feel detachment, and that’s kind of a scary thing to realize about yourself, like it could become psychopathic. It’s not all the time, but, like depression, comes in phases in my life.

    When I listen to music, though, it moves me and helps remind me that I can feel things. That feeling of “feeling” helps me in my day to day, helps me empathize and not tune other people out of my life. I can be really cold and harsh, and music is something that brings me back into normal empathy and interaction with people. Thankfully, I haven’t felt detached like that in about a year.

    To echo JAG: I’m glad you’re okay, Wes. I’m glad we have a good space where we can talk about these sorts of things honestly and openly. I’ll leave with some music that never fails to help me feel (got a lot of history with this particular song).

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JTEWlSTQ1RI

    • J.R.™

      I definitely know what you mean about detachment.

  • I’ve posted this before, but this is just about the best audio+visual representation I can think of for the, uh, less than pleasant times I’ve had.
    https://vimeo.com/11229709

  • J.R.™

    I actually had no idea who the author was until I got to the end and I have to say I was surprised.

    Thanks for sharing, pal.

    • RJA

      It was actually very interesting to read not knowing who wrote it.
      W., between this and your Beksinski article the other day – you have won the toilet this week. Thanks for the great writing.

      • Dubzlinger, Malandro

        🙂 Thank you both!

      • JWEG

        Cosigned. This is one definite time I think the TovH format was an advantage. It heightened the sense that it could, literally, be anyone.

  • I was only depressed once in my life and it was over a woman. Glassjaw got me through it and being mentally strong allowed me never to experience those feelings again. Nice work W., I’m sure many found this helpful.

    • xengineofdeathx

      Man EYEWTKAS got me through my fair share of shit, still a very powerful album.

  • Scrimm

    W knows, as do a lot of you that I struggle with both of the same issues that he talked about, resulting in hospitalization once last year. Currently unmedicated(as I prefer) and dealing with it well like usual but things have been really hard lately. Things from the past and all. Music is probably about the main reason I’ve made it this long.

    • Dubzlinger, Malandro

      Much love, Tall Man.

      • Scrimm

        Same to you.

    • tigeraid

      We had just discussed this on the bookFace group, but I’ll reiterate
      here… I went through some seriously tough shit when I was a teen, with
      my parents, with school, with bullies, and so forth. And for me, it
      was …And Justice for All that immediately plays in my mind whenever I
      feel a little down or depressed. Dyer’s Eve is a masterpiece in my
      eyes, and it spoke to me on a very personal level when I was 12 or 13.
      It let me get my anger out and let me realize that others felt that pain
      and that ostracizing seclusion too. As cliched as it sounds for a band that are sometimes lolbutzz these days, Metallica changed my life. For the better.

      Great post W.

      • xengineofdeathx

        Blackened was the first song that ever scared me, but that album resonated with me so much. It seemed like I finally found music as bleak as the world I found myself in as a teenager growing up surrounded by violence mental illness and addiction. People can trash Metallica all they want, but they speak to me more then any other band, man.

        • tigeraid

          Except for St. Anger, which is lolbuttz.

          • xengineofdeathx

            I’m madly in anger with you for this comment. I need to flush it out bro. For real though. Only a handful of songs after AJFA don’t milk dinks.

  • Dubzlinger, Malandro

    Thanks for the love, folks. It’s been a hard summer, but writing and jamming are therapeutic for me. I figured the emotional weight of music is something we can all understand.

    • Scrimm

      Writing can be incredibly theraeutic.

  • This was an intense and great post. Love all you guys. Keep a look out and an open door for your friends and family, especially those with documented mental illness. My younger cousin, who I’m very close with, tried to commit suicide last year. I had no idea he was in any kind of depression or danger. He saw a doctor after that and was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Now he lives with his parents in a different state, but I make a note to talk to him at least once a week and check in on him.

  • ME GORAK(JM) B.C.™

    GORAK LIKE USE INTENSE MUSIC AS CLUB FOR SMASH ADVERSITY!!!!!!!!!!

  • CT-12

    Gotta say, this was one of the best posts I’ve ever read here in the toilet. Props go to you W for being strong enough to write about this, and for truly touching my heart in the process. Also, very glad to see a step being taken toward talking about male gender roles in this toilet of ours. We are not men of steel, no matter how much we may want to be.

    • Dubzlinger, Malandro

      Thanks! That article I linked is very interesting. It talks about how, in the deconstruction of traditional gender roles, men often feel a bit lost. That only adds to the fact that we often don’t discuss our emotions.

      • CT-12

        Dude, I could seriously go on for hours about the subject. I still plan on doing a GSTW article that is strongly connected to this issue. I’ll check out that link after my run!

    • Leif Bearikson

      I studied Sociology and gender roles were one of the biggest things that stood out to me as a point of interest. It seems very apparent that male suicide rates are strongly correlated with the bottling of emotion because we, as men, are supposed to be emotionless or made of stone. Target’s decision to eliminate signs that designate gender (whether marketing or out of genuine desire for progress) has been another fascinating thing to see unfold.

      • The Voice of Reason

        I am a Sociology professor who specializes in Masculinity, Family Dynamics, & also Criminology. While men have a higher rate of suicide, women actually attempt it at a significantly higher rate. It’s sadly the one thing men are better at than women, which is tied to men being instrumental and goal oriented. Soooooo many men experience what W. is discussing, but through various social environments, men are not socialized to seek help.

  • Waynecro

    Extraordinarily strong piece, W. My condolences. For what it’s worth, I’m very glad that you continue to survive.

    • Dubzlinger, Malandro

      Appreciate that, mate!

  • JWEG

    I have so many thoughts. I could write for hours about my own experience, then delete the whole bit because I’m not quite ready or willing to share, then do it all over again…

    In fact, I have. Twice. Both times I removed it because sharing seemed less about getting it into the community as a gesture of shared experience and more just to see myself write it down. I don’t want to be selfish.

    I want everyone to know – you in the active community and other incidental readers who stumble upon this at a later date or time – I stand with you even where my own depression experience (which you’ll have to guess at for now) doesn’t necessarily directly align in specifics. I can not, for instance, at all fathom the suicidal aspect of depression as experienced by others precisely because the catalyst of my own depression also left me with a deep and abiding fear of a premature encounter with the Void. It will get me in the end, I just don’t plan to help it catch up sooner than later.

    Reading that, I can see where that might come off as callous or judgemental. Please don’t think that’s the case, though. I can only, and would only, speak to my own experience.

    • tertius_decimus

      > I can not, for instance, at all fathom the suicidal aspect of depression
      as experienced by others precisely because the catalyst of my own
      depression also left me with a deep and abiding fear of a premature
      encounter with the Void. It will get me in the end, I just don’t plan to
      help it catch up sooner than later.

      Having contemplated suicide 2 times, I attest, big time. What life have taught me is that one don’t have to hide what’s inside. People tend to avoid someone who stores emotions like in a warehouse. Sooner or later they explode like a stratovolcano but the only one who receives all the damage is yourself. No one feels the emphaty seeing one in a rage.

  • Paris Hilton

    Another reason that men are more prone than women to commit suicide is that they are not as open to others about what is bothering him.

    Whether that’s because of culturally ingrained practices that men need to toughen up and take care of things. Others may see reaching out as some sort of sign of weakness. Usually, all that ends up happening is either self-destructive behavior or a really bad addiction (men also leaning towards the latter). This is something men need to change, together. In a way, feminist values can help us too.

    Point being- never feel alone. I’m sure most of here know some shit times. Some of us know depression, some of us know addiction (me being one of them- the devil you thought you’d never know is now the one that knows you the best). Please, for the love of god. Talk to ANYONE during a crisis. It could save your life. I wouldn’t have even been commenting on MS more than a year ago if I hadn’t.

    Take care

  • dang Dubz, great stuff here. thanks for sharing with us, must have been difficult. this is such a strong community, i’m always seeing flushers offering to help with difficult times in life — be it on FB, e-mail, or here in the comments. i wouldn’t trade it for anything.

  • 365chaosriddendays

    Wow, this article is very deep and it’s good that you allowed us to read about your feelings, your past experiences, you are still here, you are strong mate even if sadness and other big problems could be overwhelming sometimes and yes, music has a great power, talking about your list “Nine Inch Nails” and “Woods Of Ypres” are good and deep songs to me, in the end, it’s cool that you are here!

  • Fuck, man. I can’t say I know quite what you’ve gone and are still going through but I have had some similar feelings of grieving. I moved to an apartment and am living on my own for the first time ever. I’ve cried multiple times (fuck the manly men, I support crying as it is a healthy way to release pent up emotions) as I really miss my family. Stress is beginning to build as I’ve found out that I have absolutely tons of reading to do as I brilliantly decided to take both world and British literature in the same semester along with German and Buddhism. I’ll probably be fine. I’m a chronic worrier. I constantly want to know what I need to do and how to do it. It’ll all pay off in a couple years. I’ll have a dual major in Creative Writing and Religious Studies.

  • JamesGrimm

    Greatest post on TOH.

    • Dubzlinger, Malandro

      Thanks, mate! I mean it.

  • what do you do if youre currently without support? the past few months have been particularly soul crushing and I don’t know if I’ve ever experienced this low before. I’ve got it all, fucked up sleeping habits, eating only when I feel ill and weak, complete lack of focus and energy. i’ve taken to playing video games because I can stare at the screen in auto pilot and just like not exist otherwise.

    i admit i’ve always been a bit of a void dweller, but before ive been able to enjoy life, socializing, appreciating nature what have you but lately i’m just figuratively dead. I legit have dreams about slamming a handful of percocet down my throat just to feel something. feels bad man. i don’t think of suicide because that seems a pointless and barren as everything else.

    please dont make fun of me 🙁

    • J.R.™

      That’s why we’re here, buckaroo. 🙂
      Also this might be horrible timing, but I don’t think I’ve noticed you before. If you’re new, welcome to the Toilet!

      • I’ve been around since last summer. Used to post a bunch but mainly now just lurk and read the articles and laugh hysterically at the comments. Y’all are great!!!

        Anyway yeah I’m in need of a good chat about this stuff. I’m drowning here. 🙁

        • Lacertilinger

          Hey Justin, I’m not really qualified to help, nor am I the best person to give advice on how to feel better but I used to do things similar to what you describe about zoning out. One thing that could help in the short term is to just put on a chill album that you enjoy. Not something depressing or violent but just something slightly upbeat, maybe some stoner rock. I don’t know your particular taste in music so I can’t offer specifics. Maybe watch an old favourite film when you feel shitty.
          As I said, these are only short-term solutions, if you want long-term advice, I’m not sure what the best approach would be apart from seeing a doctor. I’m terrible at this sorta thing but in a couple of hours all the USA people will be waking up and can probably do a lot better than I. Go with the movie/music option for now dude.
          Are you on the FB group?

        • J.R.™

          Oops! Sorry bout that. For some reason just didn’t recognize the name. And hey man whenever you need us we’re always here. If your not already a part of it, the Facebook group has been a pretty good support system for me for the past while

        • tertius_decimus

          What happened to you in the past? What made your way to anxiety?

          • Well here’s the story. It’s rather pathetic and I imagine I’m going to word it horribly but….

            I was with a girl for 5+ years, and it ended abruptly straight abandonment. One day it’s all “love you xoxoxox” literally the VERY NEXT I get a quick 5 second phone call “it’s not working out” then bam blocked on every source of contact. Haven’t heard from her since.

            So feeling incredibly abandoned already it turns out I don’t have any friends now either. Y’know the key to getting over something of this magnitude is friends and company correct? Well every friend I thought I had simply either blew me off, or just flat out ignored. I even hit up acquaintances “hey wanna hang out?” nothing. At first there was ONE person, but it was a girl who just wanted sex and at first that was cool because he at least i’m getting laid, but she would only call past 1am and eventually I was like “I’ve got needs that aren’t sexual, hang out sometime” then she dropped off the face of the earth too.

            So I’ve spent this entire summer in utter solitude. Heartbroken, abandoned, alone. Now I’m stuck in this mindset that everything is pointless because every friendship I thought I had made was in fact transparent and apparently no one gives any shred of a care that I’m in the darkest place of my life.

            I’m from a different state so I don’t a whole lifetime of acquaintances or friends to pool from. Not that it even matters where I am because I took a trip home last winter and hit up every friend I knew there and got the same results, the run around, blow offs ect.

            So I’m left feeling like I have the plague or something because absolutely no human at this point in time would enjoy my company at a time when all I need is someone to hang out with.

            As I always lived in the void before, the indifference and vastness of it now is especially crushing. At two other points in my life I’ve been forced to start over. 1st was switching towns in high school, second was moving 700miles from home and now I have to do it again and I just don’t have it in me to go through this all over again when the only result I can surmise at the end is emotional desolation as it’s always been that.

            so abandonment/trust issues; check
            paranoia that everyone is secretly hating; check
            feelings of guilt and self loathing; check
            lack of attention; check
            irritability; major check. a pan feel to the floor and the sound made me tweak into a near rage
            feeling anxious and empty.

            lack of interest especially. the only thing that sounds pleasurable is a liter of whiskey. which i would drink in one night.

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro

            Dang, dude. I’m sorry to hear that. I wish I had more to say. I’m sure things will get better.

          • tertius_decimus

            I’ve been there for too long that it even doesn’t hurt anymore. It’s like when you constantly feel the friction, the calouses you get make you invulnerable or at least you lose sharpness of perception in particular zone of contact.

            Every situation in everyone’s life is different (however, I tend to think people are the same for the most part), so it’s hard to share advices that would work for you personally and give guarantees on how helpful they might or might not be.

            You’ll never return your girlfriend back. I hate to say that, but it’s true. It’s very rare person’s quality to rethink what has done. You’ll never get any help from your former “friends”. If they can’t help when you feel really bad, they aren’t your friends. How many do you have? I mean, “real” friends. Zero? I have more than six. When I was in deep depression like you now, I thought there were none of them. O, how wrong I was! The good thing is that you’ll receive the help in exact moment from someone you couldn’t even think of — those will be your friends. And if you know for certain who do you wanna see as your better part for the rest of your life, stay behind the choices that you make, don’t let anyone convince you that dreams never come true or that you should “get real”. “Getting real” is making compromises by which you really will damage your life. Think how heavy-hearted you’ll be 20 years from now with woman who ignores you so fucking completely that you wouldn’t receive any help and relief when you’re ill or struggling with the problems you never met before. Being in depression now is tough, however while you are still young, it’s a good time to teach yourself to be stronger and to walk through all the shit you getting on your way.

            Remember, you’ll meet many good people on the road, just don’t focus on those who is making that mere surrounding with no empathy or compassion. YOUR friends (real friends, not “friends”) and YOUR girlfriend will feel for you and she will do alot to make you feel better. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about. I was feeling myself alone for 26 years until some cloudy day. I loved many girls but no one of them were caring about my mood, health condition and so on. I was lying to myself that with yet another [insert GF name here] I will be happy till the coffin. I won’t. I wasn’t.

            Your people do exist. Keep searching, don’t make yourself a hermit that is rare to find because by that you’re narrowing the search zone for those WHO DREAM OF YOU. Yep, that’s the key phrase.

            Don’t take any pills. Conserve your health.
            Don’t drink alot. Conserve your health.
            Buy yourself a bicycle and pedal away your sorrows. Bike is a great social instument too.
            Get rid of those “friends”. They’re the scum of the Earth. They’re not your actual friends. Don’t seek for understanding from them, they don’t and won’t understand.
            Keep listening to your favorite music. It helps.
            Try to talk to people older than you. They have to share something and you’ll learn from some of them to something good.

            No depression is cured in on/off mode. It will gradually fade away and return back, like a waves in the sea. When you will meet someone to strike you directly where the hell in your heart is, you’ll jump to another level. Until then, be strong. Always.

    • Dubzlinger, Malandro

      Have you tried talking to a counselor?

    • Dagon

      If you ever feel the need to talk to us feel welcome to do so on DISQUS or on the Facebook group. We would never make fun of you in a time of need. We will make fun of you on all other times though, nothing personal.

      If it’s been dragging for months, I think you would benefit from seeing a doctor. Maybe you’ll need medication, maybe you won’t. Sometimes it’s a matter of having someone to talk to and realizing the adjustments you need to make. Stay strong, bro.

      • Dubzlinger, Malandro

        I think a lot of people don’t get the help they need from professionals because there’s a stigma against going to a counselor. People seem to think that only freaks need help, but that isn’t the case. It’s a powerful option for people who really need it.

        • Dagon

          There is definitely a stigma. I mean, you’d think in a more educated society it would be better but it’s not that significant. Even among health professionals there is a lot of stigma towards both patients and psychiatrists.

    • Medication really helped me get through especially hard times. I can’t recommend talking with a professional enough. In the meantime, we’re all here for support.

      • no insurance to see a doctor because ‘murrrica

        • I was in the same boat. It was bad. I spent money I didn’t have. I don’t regret it.

    • xengineofdeathx

      For me personally man; a physical outlet for negative emotions is just as important as mental outlets. Have you ever thought about martial arts? Judo and jiujitsu have been massively important in helping me deal with depression, and the comradery of my training partners. Sometimes I don’t have the energy or feel like there’s a point, but it’s one of the few things in life where you feel like you get what you put in. And I think if you’re dealing with depression that is super hard to come by. Also, it’s been proven that our brains don’t make as much seratonin without excercise (and sleep) But if nothing else, try to reconnect with things you’re passionate about, and just try to do a little more each day. Every day is a chance to do better bro.

      • This is a very, very good point. I boxed during the very worst bits of my life. It wasn’t a sustainable thing (due to getting fucked up in the ring), but weightlifting and cardio have kept me going since.

        • xengineofdeathx

          I feel ya man, I’ve had knee surgeries and multiple broken bones. But just breaking a sweat, wether it’s hitting the bag or lifting weights or boxing or reppping throws is ultra therapeutic. It takes a while to get over the initial lethargic feeling of depression, but eventually it becomes this kind of momentum you build up, untill you feel weird without it.

  • Óðinn

    Great article as always W. Your intelligence and your abilities for both introspection and empathy are admirable qualities.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOKcfyo3-xE

  • Óðinn
    • Dubzlinger, Malandro

      I’ve got this on queue.

    • Dubzlinger, Malandro

      Tried jamming it today, but Bandcamp crapped on the second track for some reason. I dug the first one.

      • Óðinn

        Sorry to hear that, but I’m glad you enjoyed the track.

        I found this album to be oddly beautiful. Depressive Metal (or highly emotional music) can be cathartic and empowering, at least in my personal experience. I’m glad to have the opportunity to share my passion for music here in the Toilet.

  • xengineofdeathx

    I can relate to this article so much, thank you for writing it. This last year and a half the only things that have been keeping me going are funeral doom and judo.