Nightwish – Élan: A Video Breakdown

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It would appear Nuclear Blast are somehow still in business.

I know next to nothing about Nightwish so I’m afraid I can’t give much in the way of an introduction to this video. My cousin had a crush on Tarja Turunen (now replaced by a lady named Floor?) in middle school but other than recognizing her as the weakest lyric soprano on the planet (three octaves? Weeeeaaaak.) my experience with them is limited. That said, Nuclear Blast consistently brings the lolbuttz more than any other label this side of Century Media. Will this video convert me to a symphonic power metal fan? Not likely, but we’ll make fun of it along the way regardless.

0:01: Oh this is that song from Titanic? Alright, I can deal with that.
0:06: That’s not how you play that and you know it.
0:15: The only thing more fittingly-placed than this key change is that top hat.
0:28: That’s actually pretty cool of Nightwish to make time in their video for a Faces of Meth PSA.
0:45: My thoughts exactly.
0:48: So much is communicated in that one little squint; most notably, “Kill me. Just shove a chopstick through my windpipe, please.”
0:54: That may be the trashiest Christmas tree ornament I’ve ever seen.
1:03: Are you even trying?
1:13: Is that the bathroom at the gym? I wouldn’t lean much closer to the floor if I were you.
1:17: Now that is how you goddamn dust.
1:21: Nice ankle warmers, bro.
1:24: The rest of this video sucks so much because they blew their entire budget on these pyro effects. Don’t you know the bassist always comes last?
1:27: Whoever directed this certainly has a thing for lens flares.
1:36: Yep. Same here.
1:40: Yeah, I’m about ready to jump off a bridge here, too.
1:48: Sitting on a park bench…
1:49: Oh, all this time I thought I was watching a Nightwish video. Turns out it’s Grey Gardens.
2:00: “Oh geez, what the hell is this…”
2:03: Still better than that last Hobbit movie.
2:05: “Holy shit, I am so high right now.”
2:07: Gotta say, Jay Leno looks pretty damn good in a wig.
2:10: Okay, come on, this is just B-roll from Harry Potter run through iMovie.
2:35: Oh. So…this really is the gym shower. I, uh. I don’t know what to say.
2:43: Righteous headbanging isn’t typically how I react when an old man removes his jockstrap in front of me but hey, to each his own.
2:50: Looks like an animal can, in fact, evolve wheels.
2:54: Hey, that’s a safety hazard!
3:21: WAITWHATIWASNOTEXPECTINGTHAT
3:22: You have got to be kidding me.
3:24: And another one gone and another gone… another one bites the dust.
3:28: Okay really? You couldn’t have just hit the key again? At least attempt to look like you’re making an effort.
3:33: If this is Heaven then I’m glad to be a sinner.
3:35: Nightwish looooove downbeats.
3:43: Even Eurovision wouldn’t use this many arbitrary key changes.
3:50: Lock up your children, everyone.
3:51: You’re gonna break every bone in that lady’s body.
3:54: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh.
4:00: Syncopation? Never heard of it.
4:04: “Why?! What have I done to deserve this?
4:07: Those arms were made for roller derby.
4:20: That owl is so done.

That was certainly a music video for a song by a band. I’m really glad I don’t go to Renaissance Faires or the death threats would be pouring in.

  • Maik Beninton
    • Jajajaja, me too. They were one of the first merol bands I listened 😛

    • Reposted Avenged Sevenfold Fan

      this band is just a miracle for the world of music, they are just the best thing that i’ll never know, and i will die for them if that means that they can keep playing to the world, i will do it, beacuse they are the best thing that it hapend to me, i just love you

      -Jesus Alan on November 30, 2011 at 11:01 PM

  • MoshOff

    Faces of Meth/10, well done.

  • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

    This was certainly a breakdown of a video by a band.
    *Golf Applauds*

  • Tyreeling In The Years
  • SWOLEBEARD

    Nightwish is dolphinately the low hanging fruit of the genre

  • HessianHunter

    eeeeyyy more like “Nuclear Flush” amirite???????

    My only regret is not having more buttz to lol

    • JWG

      I have come here to chew bubble gum and lol buttz
      … and I’m all out of bubble gum.

  • Based Tapir

    Poor Kai Hahto. Your potential is being squandered.

    • Tyreeling In The Years
    • MoshOff

      Oh fuck that’s Kai Hahto? I guess power metal pays a lot better than grindcore.

      • Based Tapir

        He’s replacing their real drummer for some time.

    • KJU SkráðuVergaskip Egyo í Ras

      He’s gotta do something while Wintersun takes another 200 years to release Time II. I love ’em, but not since Guns N Roses or Tool has a band come up with more excuses on why the new CD is taking so fucking long.
      “OK, guys, thanks for crowdfunding my studio after I squandered my Nuclear Blast advance! Now I just need a paid vacation to Tahiti, several cases of Cristal, and the Lancelot Link: Secret Chimp box set, and I’ll be ready to record! Oh and breast milk from a Cambodian hooker, and sugar cookies”.

      • more beer

        You can`t fuck with the Lance Link Secret Chimp.The first time I saw that I had eaten about a quarter of mushrooms. It was very entertaining to say the least.

      • Based Tapir

        I didn’t even like Time. Their first album is good tho.

        • KJU SkráðuVergaskip Egyo í Ras

          I liked Time, but definitely wasn’t worth 10 years of waiting for a fucking EP, rather than a full album.

      • KJM

        I’ve let go of Tool. They have 4.5 excellent albums and I’ve seen them 10 times. Anything else at this point is just icing on the cake.

        • Lacertilian

          The icing is the good bit of the cake though!
          The next album will more likely be the knife cutting the cake into little pieces.

          • KJM

            Icing without cake is too much.

  • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

    I think Nuclear Blast has one good band in their roster of 3000 though, just can’t think of the name now.

    • MoshOff

      Carcass?

      • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

        Well they’re good. But quute sure I wasn’t looking for them, never really dug ’em outside live setting.

        • MoshOff

          Behemoth? Arsis? Brujeria? Decapitated?

          • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

            Never really dug any of those 🙁

          • MoshOff
          • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

            On it.

          • Tyreeling In The Years
          • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

            Nah.

          • Tyreeling In The Years

            Decapitated was one of the first death metal bands that I found out about on my own. They sort of stay close to my rotting heart.

          • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

            I don’t think I’ve ever spinned any album in it’ entirety.

          • Tyreeling In The Years

            If you do. Spin this one! The rawness and production is what I like about it. Their other albums sound way too triggered and mechanical.

          • Scrimm

            I think I like Organic Hallucinosis the best. I HATE that new one.

          • Tyreeling In The Years

            I actually prefer that one to Nihility and The Negation. Some majic happening on that album. PLUS, Vitek’s best drum work!

          • Scrimm

            I think so too. That and Winds are the best IMO.

          • Tyreeling In The Years

            Strangely so. Hahaha! Covan’s voice did not bother me like it did with some people.

          • Scrimm

            Agreed.

          • Scrimm

            I’m glad I got to see that lineup live.

          • Lacertilian

            That would have been amazing.

          • Scrimm

            They were the opening band on the tour(can’t remember who else except hypocrisy) and they were the best.

          • MoshOff

            Dude Covan had killer range and was a lot more versatile than Sauron or the new guy. Poor Covan 🙁

          • Lacertilian

            I was cranking this album the other day.
            Forgot how long I spent trying to learn the riffs to The Nine Steps.
            Fucking killer.

          • Tyreeling In The Years

            BRO!

          • Lacertilian

            *high fives*

          • Bucket ‘o Blood

            Mo’fucking SABATON?

        • Meshuggah?

          • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

            Not a big fan.

          • Tyreeling In The Years

            I appreciate their drummer. That’s about it.

          • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

            I do recall jamming “Cyanide Christ”, drumming is intense. But srs? No.

    • Tyreeling In The Years

      Their logo has color in it. I avoid that.

      Such a racist comment.

      • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

        Oh that’s right. Blind Guardian and Bal-Sagoth are on NB.

        • Tyreeling In The Years

          Yeah, not a fan.

          • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

            Everyone loves BS

          • Tyreeling In The Years

            Nope.

        • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

          Melechesh, Immolation, Lock Up…
          actuallu there are a few, Enslaved.

          • KJU SkráðuVergaskip Egyo í Ras

            Forbidden.

          • Tyreeling In The Years

            Ooohh! I like me some Immolation and Lock Up.

    • Based Tapir

      Indica?

      • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

        I prefer sativa.

        • Based Tapir

        • KJM

          I’m good with either. Variety is the “spice” of life.

      • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

        Holopainen produced their album even.

      • KJU SkráðuVergaskip Egyo í Ras
    • KJU SkráðuVergaskip Egyo í Ras

      Blind Guardian?

      • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

        See below.

        • KJU SkráðuVergaskip Egyo í Ras

          Whoopsy sauce! :-p

    • Maik Beninton
      • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

        Oh yes.

        • Maik Beninton

          This is the album I got to know them

          • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

            New era is very strong.

          • KJU SkráðuVergaskip Egyo í Ras

            Their last 3 CDs have been solid as fuck! They’re like the three-peat Chicago Bulls of metal at this point.

      • Akerskronks ov Steele

        Fun fact: I know Mark Tornillo’s nephew.

    • KJU SkráðuVergaskip Egyo í Ras

      Accept, Avantasia, Destruction, Crematory (your favorite mwahahaha!), Equilibrium, Immortal, Kreator, Melechesh, Omnium Gatherum, Samael, Suffocation, The Exploited, Therion, Vader, Wintersun.

    • Reposted Avenged Sevenfold Fan

      Best bands of all times?
      here are my new ones
      Avenged sevenfold all the way
      five finger death punch
      papa roach
      three days grace

      -saken, June 15 2008

    • JWG’s Shifty Lateral Ventricle

      Death Angel, right?

      If one of us guesses which one you were thinking of do we win anything?

      • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

        No giveaways this time around.

    • Simon “Djentcrusher” Phoenix

      You mean two good bands.

      https://youtu.be/0O5D0A-YHxg

      • speaking of “good bands”, thanks for inadvertently recommending Anilah to me. it’s just what i needed. reminds me of 90’s trip-hop like Massive Attack and Hooverphonic!

        • Simon “Djentcrusher” Phoenix

          Glad to be of service. Yeah the lady’s vocals are absolutely mesmerizing and the music just as much. I had to get her records.

  • I take it that Dick Dawkins “spoken word” is on the way soon?

    • MoshOff

      Dick Dawkins is my new favorite thing.

      • Or Dick Dawk for short.

        • MoshOff

          ALL HAIL DIKK DAWK

        • Akerskronks ov Steele

          dik dawkin, dawk dickins, fuck it, lolbuttz

          • KJM

            dikbutt dawkins

    • Shhh…you’re attracting Blackbeard…

      • SWOLEBEARD

        I HAVE AWOKEN. WHO DARES RECITE THE WORDS? THE END IS NIGH.

        • KJU SkráðuVergaskip Egyo í Ras

          Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice!

    • Based Tapir

      That’s gonna be the best part of the album.

  • KJU SkráðuVergaskip Egyo í Ras

    Lol, never thought I’d see Straight Dope Chicago ever mentioned on here. I remember posting that article on the TOH FB, but not sure if anyone read it. Another fun and weird (like 90% of their articles) one:

    http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/3011/what-would-it-be-like-walking-around-on-a-cube-shaped-planet

  • MoshOff

    Waste of a killer vocalist alert:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2MCTdKBxmk

    • KJU SkráðuVergaskip Egyo í Ras

      I had the DVD/CD set of that years back. A couple of good songs, but overall it was a cluttered mess, especially the one guy sounding like an even more nasal Dave Labrie (as if that were possible). I ended up selling it after a couple of days.

      • MoshOff

        Is Dave LaBrie Dave Mustaine and James LaBrie’s bastard son? Because he would be annoyingly nasal.

        • KJU SkráðuVergaskip Egyo í Ras

          My goof, I meant James Labrie.

  • Scrimm

    one and a half second into the video, sucks balls, stops playing.

    • It gets worse, I swear!

      • Scrimm

        Hahaha I was just gonna do an edit and say I tried again, made it a minute and a half. I’ll get through it eventually!

    • KJU SkráðuVergaskip Egyo í Ras

      Lol, then, you only caught the Pure Moods part of the song.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      Not as bad as this video, lucky the song rules
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=J3I88wsFKao

      • Scrimm

        You’re insane.

        • The God Emperor of Mankind

          FACT: Any other band would make this video look stupid.

        • Ted Nü-Djent ™

          Never have been much of a fan of Maiden clips, save for Run To The Hills

          • Scrimm

            God they make some bad videos, but I wouldn’t say they even come close to how stupid this one was.

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            Yeah, I was probably a bit over the top

          • Scrimm

            Lol that’s the best way to be!

  • 365 Days of Molenaar
    (shoot, that sounds wonderful!)

  • I like Nightwish, but this song is kind of weak. Only liked the folky elements :/

    • Based Tapir

      I’ve seen Tuomas Holopainen in a store. He was returning bottles before me.
      #getrekt

  • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

    NB has all the best bands, I recall it now.
    Sabaton, CoF, Battle Beast…

  • Reposted Avenged Sevenfold Fan

    what? did these guys make this vid after a round of dungeons and dragons or after a round of world of war craft!!?

    -Franco Garcia, 9 months ago

    • The God Emperor of Mankind

      “Omg guys what nerds lol, nerds are so lame they all play dungeons and dragons and WOW which every nerd automatically does these days lol, I’m 2 cool 4 u!” Mr Repost, I do not envy your job, for you must scrape the muck off the dark underbelly of online commenting forums and bring their heresy to light for all of the world to see.

    • SWOLEBEARD

      D&D > WoW.

      • KJM

        See, pretty much everybody I’ve ever gamed with had friends, social lives, wives/girlfriends, partied hard, etc. It wasn’t just gaming either. The same people(including myself) enjoyed all the stereotypically “nerd” shit without all the socially awkward baggage.

        • SWOLEBEARD

          D&D gives you the option of having friends. WoW doesnt.

          • KJM

            Yep. You’re still getting together with actual people and being social.

          • more beer

            I guess I`m an old fashioned guy who likes to socialize with beer at a bar.

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
  • Bucket ‘o Blood

    So many lulz.

    ………………………………….I still liked it.

  • Stockhausen

    I’m not watching the video, the breakdown lold all of my Buttz quite plenty. Thank you, CM.

  • Mother Shabubu III

    Within Temptation did a collaboration with Xzibit, when does Nightwish do a song with Chingy?

    • Stockhausen

      CHINGY LOLOLOLOLOL

    • SWOLEBEARD

      Next collaboration is tay tay, let’s talk about a real song

      • Based Tapir

        Oh Dawkins no!

        • SWOLEBEARD

          Praise Dawkins, thine collaboration sates mine woes.

        • Guacamole Jim

          YES YOU’RE BACK!! I missed u bb

          • Based Tapir

            I’m not back, I’m Tapir.

          • you’re always toying with my emotions

          • Based Tapir

            Who are you? Agnes? I haven’t seen you since Forst Communion!

          • lolzordz. it’s your best friend!

          • Based Tapir

            That’s impossible. Pertti, the crazy hobo that lives in a box next to Prisma, doesn’t even have a computer!

    • KJU SkráðuVergaskip Egyo í Ras

      I wanna hear them do a duet with Too Short! Who wouldn’t want a symphonic metal version of ‘Blowjob Betty’?

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz