NHL 2014-15 Season Predictions: Hockey has Begun

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How’s your Friday going so far? Hopefully, you’re thrilled that hockey is back in full force. As a former regular commenter on Metalsucks, most of you should be familiar with me. I’ve been absent these summer months, but I’m finally back with this post. You’re Droppin’ the Gloves with Chris Simopoulos.

For the debut piece, I’m posting a preview piece that I wrote months ago; the season came quicker than I expected and I had no time to write anything else. This piece is lengthy and very opinionated. I promise that it won’t be like that for future pieces. If you have any suggestions, comments, criticisms, thoughts, or any of that good stuff, leave a comment and I’ll be happy to read it. Until next time, keep your head up out there.

Anaheim Ducks: The Ducks came off a dominant season in the always challenging Western Conference. I mean, they clinched the fucking conference. Even yours truly predicted them to reach the Stanley Cup finals, but with a disappointing series against actual Cup winners LA Kings, their chances fell short. Also, losing Teemu Selenne could be troublesome (depending on who you talk to). While yes, he is one of the greatest players to have played in the 21st century, the last few years had shown signs of him aging. With up and coming wingers stepping up like Devante Smith-Pelly and Kyle (Frankie) Palmeri, filling in his place shouldn’t be so hard. John Gibson will probably be the new starter with Jonas Hiller making his way to Calgary. And let’s not forget the big signings of superstars Corey Perry and Ryan Getzlaf. 2nd place in Pacific

Arizona Coyotes: First of all, I hate how they changed their name to Arizona from Phoenix. Am I knit picking? Who cares. Phoenix has always been a team that does well, but not good enough. Yeah, they made it to the Conference Finals in 2012, but if they want to be that team again, they need the likes of Lauri Korpikoski, Shane Doan, and Antoine Vermette to step up. Recent signee Sam Gagner is expected to be their 3rd centreman and I see a big 70-point season (if he stays healthy). They’re a tough team in a tougher conference that is capable of doing great things by utilizing their key players. 4th in Pacific*

Boston Bruins: Imma be straight up here. I’m a diehard Bruins fan, so making this unbiased will be difficult. Losing Jarome Iginla to Colorado isn’t what they wanted at all, but it’ll give veteran Loui Erickson an opportunity to be the 1st line winger he once was in Dallas. They were Presidents Trophy winners last year and from that moment on, the hockey world knew they wouldn’t win the Cup (me included). With an atrocious series against Montreal (they played like beer leaguers), they are coming into this season with a vengeance (watch your head Dale Weise). With Dennis Seidenberg returning from injury, they can finally have their top D-line back with Zdeno Chara and a young core behind them consisting of Dougie Hamilton, Torey Krug, Kevin Miller, and Matt Bartkowski, the Bruins arguably have the best defence in the league. 1st place in Atlantic. **

Buffalo Sabres: We’ll keep this short, just like the Sabres season. You can’t even fathom how bad Buffalo is going to be. At least last year, they still had professional hockey players. This year? I’ll be surprised if they get more than 50 points. But if you want to look at the glass half full, they’re in complete rebuilding mode and the only way up from here is up (unless recently drafted Sam Reinhart gets injured). Fucking dead last

Calgary Flames: Flames were where Buffalo is a few years ago, but at least they’ve made progress in their rebuilding process. They finally solved their goaltending problem with the signing of Jonas Hiller. Getting Mason Raymond isn’t going to hurt either as he had a red hot October last year with the Maple Leafs and can be a good element on the PP. Sean Monohan is one of the hottest kids out there and I’m feeling now that now he knows what it takes to compete in the NHL, this year will be the year where he breaks out. The Flames are getting one step closer to becoming that playoff team they were years ago, but they aren’t quite there yet. 5th place in Pacific

Carolina Hurricanes: The Hurricanes are a team that was always just…there. I have no feeling for the ‘Canes. Yeah, we were all routing for them when they won the Cup in 2006, but now that legends Ron Francis and Rod Brind’Amour are long gone, they’ve had others pick up the pace. They have the offence with the Stall brothers, Alexander Semin, Nathan Gerbe, and Jeff Skinner, but they are in desperate need of defense. They managed to get rid of Tim Gleason for John-Michael Liles, just to pick up Gleason again in the offseason, but that’s not going to do much. And Cam Ward, who was once a stellar goalie, has turned into your average mediocre ‘tender, but maybe that’s because of the lack of defense. 8th in Metropolitan

Chicago Blackhawks: I’ll say this right off the bat: I hate Patrick Kane. With a passion. He’s hands down the most obnoxious player in the league, always looking for the OT spotlight (no, it’s not “being clutch”). But with that previous statement, I put emphasis on “hands” as even though he’s scum, he easily has the best hands behind Pavel Datsyuk. And he, along with captain Jonathan Toews, will be staying in Chi town for a long time, both signing matching 8-year, $84-million contracts. That could have put management in trouble, but didn’t as they picked up one of the biggest free agents Brad Richards. He’ll just add experience to this already star-studded team. 2nd place in Central

Colorado Avalanche: No team this year will be as good as last year’s Av’s team. With their youthful and talented forwards that included Nathan Mackinnon, Gabriel Ladeskog, Matt Duchene and Ryan O’Reilly and a matured group that lead the charge with Paul Stastny and P.A. Parenteau. However, both of the latter are gone with them going to St. Louis and Montreal, respectively. Although they got ripped off for Parenteau by losing him and a draft pick for 36-year old Daniel Briere, who only has a few years left in him, they managed to pick Jarome Iginla which will play well for him as he’s a seasoned vet that still has game left in him. Don’t let one overtime goal that eliminated them from the playoffs set your thoughts on the Av’s in stone. This is a team that will win the Cup in the coming years. Maybe even this year. 3rd place in Central

Columbus Blue Jackets: For years, the Blue Jackets were a laughing stock in the NHL. Teams would send players to Columbus if ever they pissed off the management. But now it’s 2014, and the Blue Jackets are coming off a strong season and a series against the Pittsburgh Penguins that saw the franchise’s first ever playoff victory. The one player to watch out for is Boone Jenner. He was their easily their best player in the playoffs. He’s in the same boat as Monohan gaining experience from last year. Also, gaining power forward Scott Hartnell should help solidify their PP unit as he’s a guy who grinds it out, gets timely big hits, and can pocket a few when needed. Things are looking up for the Jackets. 3rd place in Metro

Dallas Stars: The Stars are coming off one of their best years. Tyler Seguin and Jamie Benn were probably the only pair that could match up to and compete with Perry and Getzlaf when they played in Anaheim. Losing Rich Peverley was hard on the team, their fans, and the entire hickey community. He was a key player in there penalty kill and we all can only hope for a speedy recovery. Picking up Ales Hemsky and Jason Spezza will only benefit their powerful offense. Their defense is OK going into next season, but they’re just that. OK. Alex Goligoski is the only D-man who really stands out, but even a mediocre defense shouldn’t stop the Stars success that could lead to another playoff run this year . 5th place in Central

Detroit Red Wings: 23 years in a row they’ve made the playoffs. 15 years ago, the Wings were what the Blackhawks are now: the powerhouse team. But over the years, players have retired and others are getting there. Last year was brutal with all the injury trouble, but with a sturdy farm system, they managed to call up players that got the job done. They’ve developed a good group of younger players who can carry this team to a 24th year into the playoffs with Justin Abdelkader, Tomas Tatar, Gustav Nyquist, and Danny Dekeyser. However, Jimmy Howard played one of his worst years last year with only 21 wins and a 2.66 GAA. Even while injury ridden for a while, that’s no excuse for those numbers from a goalie like Howard. If they keep the injuries to a minimum this year, expect great things from them. 3rd place in Atlantic

Edmonton Oilers: I work with a guy who’s an Oiler fan and he has the reputation of a crazy old man who’s hopped up on meds. Is it a coincidence? I don’t know. The Edmonton Oilers are used to the woes they’ve suffered over the years and that’s a good thing (kinda) because they’re going to have to deal with them a little bit longer. It’s a shame, really, because they have the talent in Taylor Hall, Jordan Eberle, and Ryan Nugent-Hopkins (he should be referred to as “The Nuge”, rather than some gun-toting, washed up singer that a certain biased, New Yorker blogger jerks off to). However, their defense is a disaster. I feel like the only reason Andrew Ference is still with them is because Edmonton is his hometown. A player of his skill deserves a playoff team. And coming off a record breaking season (59-save shutout, y’all), Ben Scrivens will get the starting roll and I see big things from him. He’s played long enough to get the flow of things and with a Dyson-style defense (Dyson. Like the vacuum company. Get it? *slaps knee*), he’ll have his chance to shine. I see big things coming for him. As for the rest of the team? Not so much. 7th place in Pacific

Florida Panthers: The Panthers are coming off an abysmal season. There’s no other way I can put it. But GM Dave Tallon was one of the busier GM’s this summer. Picking up workhorses Shawn Thornton and Willie Mitchell, and got some PP help in Jussi Jokinen and Dave Bolland. Picking up elite goaltender Roberto Luongo can go either two ways: he’ll either have an absolutely stellar season or will completely crash; no in between. One could make the argument with Tim Thomas except both goalies are not what they were when they faced off in the 2011 Stanley Cup Finals. Both have declined, but who declined more? Doesn’t matter, the Panthers should improve this year, but nothing to get them in the playoffs. 6th place in Atlantic

LA Kings: The difference I see from the 2014 Cup Champion LA Kings versus the 2012 Cup LA Kings is that there will be no Cup hangover this year. I don’t need to go into detail to describe the talent they have. They have arguably the best offensive core and the best defenseman in the game with Drew Doughty. I mean, there’s not much to it. I think Dustin Brown is a fucking coward who delivers cheap hits a la Matt Cooke and is a complete fucking idiot (did he choose the number 23 because that’s his IQ?), but other than that, I have nothing but high praises for LA. 1st place in Pacific

Minnesota Wild: The Minnesota Wild will win a Stanley Cup in the next 10 years. They are the definition of a rebuilt team. Making great deals and signing top stars over the years like Zach Parise, Ryan Suter, Jason Pomminville, and Tomas Vanek has escalated the team into a serious playoff contender. They are also a team who has picked up a Matt Cooke that isn’t a Matt Cooke we all know and hate. This isn’t the Matt Cooke who ended Marc Savard’s career and ruined Vincent Lecavalier’s career or the same Matt Cooke who has blown out more knees than a Compton criminal. After years and years of tribulation, I believe Matt Cooke can finally play like a regular enforcer; still deliver’s big hits and grinds it out, but doesn’t cause stupid injuries. The Wild have a bright future. 4th place in Central*

Montreal Canadiens: Where do I begin? We can start with everyone’s boy P.K and his iron clad contract. Habs fans will even admit that 9 million a year is insane for almost anyone and I think we can all agree that P.K isn’t of that calibre yet (but has the potential). Picking up Parenteau will only benefit their already strong offensive core. Success should continue for Montreal but as a Bruins fan, I truly hope that shit hits the fan. May Pacioretty, Galchenyuk, and Plekanec have the worst years of their careers and may Dale Weise watch his head (déjà vu?). The Looch will be on the lookout. 4th place in Atlantic*

Nashville Predators: One point to start on is that Nashville will have a healthy Pekka Rinne better the team and their struggles from last year. During the offseason, they took one step back and two steps forward losing Patric Hornqvist and star-studded defender Michael Del Zotto and picking up James Neal, Derek Roy, Mike Ribeiro and Olli Jokinen. Another big pickup was coach Peter Laviolette and if anyone watched the 2011-12 24/7 winter classic between Philly and the Rangers, you’ll know Laviolette is a stand-up guy, great motivator, and a hell of a coach. However, the Preds are probably not going to be a serious playoff contender, but much like 2013 draft pick Seth Jones, give it some time to really blossom into something spectacular. 6th place in Central

New Jersey Devils: Devils fans, all you can really do at this point is sigh. A team that was at the top of its game for so many years that included a few Cups and a trip to the rodeo in 2012 has crumbled to this? Crumbled is a hyperbolic word; they’re not that bad, but playoff contention is basically out the window. Marty Brodeur aging is the biggest key out of all of this, but that’s only natural. The whole Kolvachuk contract situation only blew up in the organization’s face a few years in. Although, having Cory Schneider between the pipes and picking up Mike Cammalleri and Martin Havlat show that this team want to reach that success they did years ago. But that won’t happen this year. 6th place in Metro

New York Islanders: Garth Snow is hands down the worst GM in the league today, but shockingly, he isn’t the worst GM in Islanders history (*cough cough* Mike Millbury). The way he handled the deadline was abysmal, waiting last minute to trade Vanek for a bag of chips and some fresh twigs was a joke. But so are the Islanders, sort of. They have Taveras and Okposo and both of them can be as good of a pair as the likes of Seguin/Benn, Getzlaf/Perry, and Crosby/Kunitz. Draftee Josh Ho-Sang was a very interesting one because the hot-headed kid could provide that fire that the team needs. But with all that said and done, the Isles blow. 7th place in Metro

New York Rangers: OH…so close. The entire hockey world was rooting for the Rangers during the Stanley Cup final. And there many reasons to cheer for them; St. Louis losing his mother during the playoffs, the “David vs Goliath” atmosphere with a team who has always done well to beat a team who has had huge recent success. But quality over quantity was the case as the Kings picked up their 2nd cup in three years and that’ll most likely be the closest the Rangers will see a Cup. During that run though, Henrik Lundqvist proved and etched his name in stone as to why he is an elite goaltender and he’ll remain an elite goaltender for the rest of his career. Losing Brad Richards wasn’t so bad seeing how he struggled with the Rangers and picking up Dan Boyle, Matt Hunwick and Matt Lombardi, who is one of the fastest skaters in the game today, should only benefit the team. The only thing I see wrong with this team is Rick Nash being complete dust. He absolutely has to step up to the kind of player he was 5 to 10 years ago if the Rangers want to see a cup. 4th place in Metro*

Ottawa Senators: It’s funny how things can change all within a year. In 2012, Sens coach Paul McClain was considered a genius for how he changed his team. Now, he’s on the chopping block for the woes they had last season. The woes will just coming as they lost their captain Jason Spezza to Dallas for Alex Chaisson and some no-names. The goaltending was catastrophic with a struggling Craig Anderson and a shaky Robin Lehner. It’ll be interesting to see how that plays out, but even with the talents of Erik Karlsson, Marc Methot, Clarke MacArthur, and Kyle Turris, don’t expect a sudden turnaround for this team. 7th place in Atlantic

Philadelphia Flyers: I probably shouldn’t admit that I really like the Flyers, but I do. You can really see the grit and determination that they show when they play rival teams like Pittsburgh and Boston. Unfortunately, the player that embodied all of those traits, Scott Hartnell, is gone. He was one of the best power forwards in the league, a key component in their PP, and an all-around fan favourite. But that shouldn’t stop the rest of the talent they have. Expect 20+ goal seasons from Claude Giroux, Jakub Voracek, Wayne Simmonds, and Brayden Schenn. Speaking of Schenn, he’ll be the likely candidate to replace Hartnell on the top line with Giroux and Voracek. Hopefully, they’ll utilize veteran Vincent Lecavalier a little more than just a 4th line centre, but watch the Flyers have an impeccable year. 2nd place in Metro

Pittsburgh Penguins: Poor Dan Blysma. He had all the tools that he needed but would continuously fall short and that lead to him being fired. That and having a cold goalie in Marc-Andre Fleury wasn’t good for the Pens as they lost a 3-1 series lead to the New York Rangers last year. It’s amazing how great of a goalie Fleury once was and how he just slipped to mediocrity. The beauty bitches in Crosby and Malkin should have stellar years like usual (sorry Pens fans, but unless you’re a Pens fan, you hate the Pens). That last statement being said, fuck the Pens and all that jazz. 1st place in Metro

San Jose Sharks: The long running joke between hockey fans has been how the San Jose Sharks are notorious for choking during the playoffs. Well, the Western conference quarterfinal series against the LA Kings was the epitome of all that. Winning 6-1 and 7-2 in games one and two, respectively, everyone thought that the LA Kings were completely down and out. That was the complete opposite as they were the fourth team in NHL history to comeback from a series down 3-0 to win 4-3. What’s the problem? Why do the Sharks keep losing these big games? Most fingers were pointed at Joe Thornton and many people opted that Thornton should lose his captaincy. Well quite frankly, Uncle Joe is one of the best assets that the Sharks have and with him being a veteran, losing the captaincy would be downright absurd. One person who does need to step up is Logan Couture. He’s the future of the Sharks franchise and even though he’s been injury ridden the last couple years, last year showed he had below average numbers only picking up 54 points. Expect the usual from the Sharks (that may include the playoff dive-bomb). 3rd place in Pacific

St. Louis Blues: For the last couple of years, the Blues were what the Sharks have been forever: really great season, shitty playoffs. For both years, they lost a 2-0 series lead with awful statistics that lead from awful play (Miller had a save percentage of .864. Disgusting). Picking up Paul Stastny will only add to their strong offensive core and getting Carl Gunnarsson should add some special teams help along the D-line. One thing to look out on is to see if Alex Steen has the same kind of campaign he had a couple years ago. Other than that, the Blues will continue their success. 1st place in Central

Tampa Bay Lightning: Don’t take the 1st round sweep as a sign that the Lightning were a one-hit wonder, that was simply a learning experience for the young team. The young core that the Bolts have is just going to get better and better with each season. They did the job last year when they lost their superstar captain Steven Stamkos for most of the season and with him back in the lineup fulltime, they’ll just do a better job. Losing Ryan Malone could harm them, but after the DUI arrest, getting rid of him was best to save their image. Lose Radko Gudas, who may be one of the worst defenders I’ve ever seen, and that’s not an overstatement, and you got a pretty set team. 2nd place in Atlantic

Toronto Maple Leafs: “Get off your knees, you’re blowing the season” said my angry father as the Leafs lost their 7th straight game in the month of March; the month that makes or breaks your playoff hopes and dreams. The Leafs, who had a solid year throughout, collapsed in typical Leafs fashion, and didn’t make the playoffs. My theory is that the only reason they made the playoffs, during the 2013 season was because it was a shortened season and they didn’t have that leeway to choke. But nevertheless, with their success’ came their qualms. The Leafs have arguably the worst defense in the league lead by pylon Dion Phaneuf and they had averaged 35.9 shots a game. Resigning Jake Gardiner was a mistake as he is a big component to their flaws; he’s a turnover machine. The Leafs can keep up the pace and please fans when they compare the Leafs to how bad they were about five years ago, but that’s not enough to have them reach the success they had twelve years ago. 5th in Atlantic

Vancouver Canucks: A statement you can keep in the books: the Vancouver Canucks won’t make the playoffs for the next five years. They simply won’t. All attention last year was on the management when they hired John Torteralla as coach, and Trevor Linden as President of Hockey Operations. They are on the rebuild and picking up Ryan Miler was a great place to start as he still has plenty left in him. Picking up Radim Vrbata will definitely help on the PP and Nick Bonino is a great addition to the PK unit. Torts is gone after one year and that was a great thing to do; the Couv just didn’t fit his coaching style. We saw that when he went on a hunt for Flames coach Bob Hartley. All the dramatics from last year was distracting everyone from what was going on the ice, and that may have been a good thing. The Sedin twins are aging and we’ll never see them as they were five year ago. Real shame. 6th place in Pacific

Washington Capitals: If any team can do a complete 180° turnaround, it’s the Capitals. Last year wasn’t a horrible season, but this is a Presidents’ Trophy team, or was a Presidents’ Trophy team. They made some major improvements, picking up Matt Niskanen and Brooks Orpik. The Metro division is a weak one, so them being in playoff talks will be there, especially with new coach Barry Trotz. It’ll be an interesting situation for Washington. In my humblest opinion, give it about a year for this team to pick up where it left off. 5th place in Metro

Winnipeg Jets: Stick a fork in it. The Jets haven’t made the playoffs since the 2006-07 season when they were the Atlanta Thrashers and they won’t see it anytime soon. They have the worst goaltending in the league. It’s shit goaltending followed by shit everything else. They have the talent, but they can’t execute to the level that they need. They should tank the season so they can have a chance of taking Connor McDavid for next year’s draft. Blake Wheeler should have a big season though, so people might want to take them for the pool. 7th in Central

* = wild card spot. ** = Stanley Cup Champs

(Photo via)

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  • Edward Meehan

    Ah, it’s Chris Simopoulos!

  • Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t, it’s that girls should stick to girls’ sports, such as hot-oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such-and-such…

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      I love this quote. I’ve been watching The Simpsons for as long as I can remember. Also, Ralph is my favorite Simpsons character ever.

      • Edward Meehan

        I was always pretty partial to Apu myself.

      • KJM

        My cat’s breath smells like cat food.

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan

          I love the line Ralph says on the Simpsons ride down at Universal. The line is I’m a baby bird and he’s falling through space when he says it.

      • Moe!!!

      • JWG

        The way they incorporated Ralph into the 20th Century Fox screen on The Simpsons Movie means I still can’t hear that fanfare in ANY film without hearing Ralph’s intonation.

        And it is glorious.

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XO_vJ5So2Y0

    • Rhonda Pearlman

      James, I was wondering if you had the kids this weekend. If not, maybe go out for a drink?

      • Tyree

        McNulty and Rhonda Pearlman together at last! I hope you guys live a prosperous lifeloving life.

        • (it’s gonna be a one-night stand… which is fine by me)

          • Tyree

  • Janitor Jim Dvggan

    I am a Devils fan. It is a bad time to be a Devils fan in a state that loves either the Rangers or the Islanders.

    • Tyree

      Martin Brodeur >>>>>>

      • Janitor Jim Dvggan

        I love Brodeur. He truly is one of the greatest goalies ever. I wish Kovalchuk had not retired and that the team had good players besides Cory Schneider and even he isn’t that good. I fear for them this season and I hope they can do good.

  • Tyree

    Dan Bylsma (Fired coach of the Penguins) was sitting at a table behind be at a micro brew here in State College last week. He was still wearing his Penguins attire which seemed weird. Also Marc-André Fleury fucking sucks and Sidney Crosby is the biggest baby in the NHL! Go Pens!

    • Howard Dean

      “Hey! Don’t you dare steal anything, you ugly motherfucker! I’ll kick your ass!”

      http://img2.timeinc.net/people/i/2010/news/100301/john-mellencamp-240.jpg

      • Edward Meehan

        Turn off the lights so I can’t see these ugly motherfvckers.

      • Tyree

        That forehead has a forehead I think.

        • Howard Dean

          I would’ve had a seriously hard time biting my tongue if he said that to me. I would’ve held up a little pocket mirror in front of his face and said “little pot/kettle action, eh? You look like a fucking troll!”

          Pretty sure John Mellencamp and I would have fought. And I would have laid the smack down on his candy ass.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            Would Mellencamp be going one on one with the great one? Will you drop the people’s elbow on him?

          • Howard Dean

            He would smell what the Howard is cooking.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            I’m sure the millions and millions of Howard’s fan would love to see that.

          • KJM

            I would pay good money to see Mellencamp get Rock Bottomed through an announce table.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            I would pay a ton of money to see Mellencamp fight Ahmed Johnson and lose via the Pearl River Plunge. The Pearl River Plunge is my favorite finisher used by any wrestler because it’s such an awesome move.

          • Pearl River Plunge, sounds bukkake-like.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            I’d pay to see Mellencvunt ravished and ravaged in such a way, if only in the case he would not thoroughly enjoy it.

          • Tyree

            For some morbid reason the Dnepropetrovsk Maniacs came to mind.

          • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2M6SWafRBhQ
            “Let me see those hammer show me show me”

          • I immediately feel bad about this joke.

          • What did I just watch/listen to? I feel…sad.

          • crazytaco_12

            Good fucking lord….

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            Who are they

          • Tyree

            Oh dear.

          • LMGTFY

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            I is very sorry, I is ignorant

          • Death

            I told you, we don’t have Google in Finland

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            @Joe this is true

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            I knows now. I knew all along, just not that name

          • Death

            A fine pair of gentlemen.
            (Not true)

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            I dont trust you.

          • Tyree

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            I know now, I think I was shown a video of one of their killings

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            It’s actually not. It’s a move called a tiger driver.

          • BAH GAWD. IT HURTS SO GOOD

          • Tyree

            Howard fought Mellencvnt, Howard always wins.

          • Mellencvnt*

          • Tyree
    • Virgil the Ghost Poet

      Agreed but Go Wings!

    • The Black Dahlia Burger

      Whoa whoa whoa whoa, Fleury is still a top 10 goalie. He had 2 shutouts against the Rangers in the playoffs last year and did all he could to keep them in it, everyone else just fell apart around him. Not even going to comment on Crosby, his game speaks for itself.
      And god damn, after that first game, how fun is it to watch Olli Maatta? I mean he just turned 20! He’s going to be something special.

  • Howard Dean
    • Edward Meehan

      I’m not a sports guy, so this is something I can really get behind. Godspeed, HD.

      • Howard Dean

        I was listening to this album this morning while I worked, and felt like I needed to share this. Drawn and Quartered are awesome and severely underrated/overlooked! Not many can do the “Immolation/Incantation” mashup as well as they monsters. They are like a poor man’s Dead Congregation/Funebrarum, which is a shame.

        • Edward Meehan

          I was checking out Skinless cause you submitted them for last week’s Riff of the Week, I hadn’t heard them before (to the best of my knowledge) but that shit is not be flushed, period.

          Period!

          • And they’re in the studio recording a new one!

          • Howard Dean

            Byah!

          • Howard Dean

            Yeah, Skinless is unflushable. To borrow your parlance, they are god-level death metal.

          • Tyree

            Life Sucks!!!! Then you Die!!!!

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            They just entered the studio.

          • W.

            Skinless is the first slam band I got into, I think. I actually submitted HD’s riff too, but he had it first, so I had to change mine.

          • Edward Meehan

            I found out that MoshOff and me submitted the same riff, but it was last Friday and I was at work, so MSD let us run the same one for comedic effect and I am pretty sure we picked the winner. I submitted a solo last night that *could* be a contender Saturday if people go for extreme shit and not frilly shit.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            I realised only today that I really submitted a dud for a solo. Rubs me the wrong way, I was thinking of a good band only, not the quality of the solo.

          • shots fired?

          • Edward Meehan

            I said to MSD that perhaps it would be the start of a bitter feud between us.

          • i mean the “frilly shit” part

          • Edward Meehan

            Oh, lol. That’s one of my favorite things to say lately.

          • Pagliacci is Kvlt

            My submission just might be the frilliest.

          • Pagliacci is Kvlt

            Oh yeah, shots fired.

        • Edward Meehan

          … wait a sec, which part is the shame part? That Drawn and Quartered are the poor man’s Dead Congregation?

          • Howard Dean

            No, my wording/organization was fucked. I will fix it.
            It’s a shame that they are severely underrated/overlooked.

      • Death

        Is Howard Dean a Black Emperor?

        • Howard Dean

          I Am The Black Wizards.

        • Virgil the Ghost Poet

          Godspeed sir. Hahahaha.

  • Mr.CustodialArts
    • Tyree

      They brought their fuckin’ TOYS with ’em!

    • None of that stinkin rut beer

  • Death

    The feeling when your Godflesh album gets delayed by a week.
    At least my Kayo Dot album was shipped.

    • Edward Meehan

      A World Lit Only By Fire >>>>>>>>>

      that’s some top ten albums of 2014 type shit, srs.

      • Death

        Guess how annoyed I am by it getting delayed. Fuck you Finland!

        • Edward Meehan

          Think about how great it will be when it shows up though. The anticipation!

        • Virgil the Ghost Poet

          Mine is still in the mail! Damn it!

      • Janitor Jim Dvggan

        I loved it. It’s in my top 3 with Electric Wizard and Behemoth. I feel Behemoth is going to be replaced with At The Gates because of the great things I’ve heard of their new album.

        • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

          Both Bemehemoth and EW were, if better than their predecessors, a bit of a disappointment for me.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            I loved The Satanist and the new Electric Wizard album was amazing. I feel that At The Gates is going to take the number 1 spot though.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            I am suspicious of the new ATG’s quality as well. If the title track gives any hints towards it sound, it’s going to catchy and maybe even good. But I’ve always preferred The Red In The Sky

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            I have faith in it. I loved Slaughter Of The Soul and I feel that it will be the modern day Slaughter Of The Soul. I think all melodeath bands should take notes from the masters of the genre and the new album might influence more bands like they did back in the 90’s.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            I love melodeath, but my taste has always lingered in places less swedish.

          • Howard Dean

            Same. I like my fair share of melodic death metal, but the Gothenturd scene has always rubbed me the wrong way.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            There are some good records there but overall when melodic dm without gimmicks like prog is included, the best stuff comes from elsewhere.

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            Atlas Moth and Nux Vomica are up the8r for me with God Hunter. Looking forward for Giant Squid, Melvins, and Inter Arma.

    • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

      At least now you can give all your attention to Kayo Dot first without disturbing elements like Godflesh stealing any of it. And next week you’ll focus on the flesh

      • Death

        I’ll also have to focus on the BaN.

        • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

          Well, it’s less disturBANces anyway

          • Death

            That was punny. How excited are you for the upcoming holiday? Some peace at last.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            I’m two weeks into unemployment again, after nine of hard work. So it’s all the same for mw right now.

            How do you feel about the new Haloo Helsinki by the way.

          • Death

            I have always disliked the band and my opinion has not changed. How aboot you?

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            Funny, now that they’ve more or less abandoned rock for electronic/guitar-including pop, I’ve begun to like them more than I thought I would. I was kinda drawn to it by Elli’s voice I guess

          • Death

            Are you also liking the new Robin album?

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            Why yes, it’s the only album horrible enough to act as a soundtrack to my weekly suicide ritual.

          • Death

            Why is he a thing? Why does he still do this?

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            Maki made him a thing. His word has weight. And the kid had fame from his Tube for u videos. Now every teen girl just loves him and the amount of time spent fanning the flames is so enormous that he has to be huge. He was made that way.

            Did you know that he broke a record by selling more albums in a short time(2years?) Than anyone ever before in Funland

          • Death
          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            He only speculates that Siltsu must have sold more. He has no facts, he just says he is certain that Siltsu sold more in the same time.

          • Death

            I will NEVER accept the fact that Robin has sold many records. Didn’t some of them come with a hesburger meal?

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            Maybe, but given he’s popularity in two weeks he will have sold them. at least when he’s new album comes out in the summer he’ll have sold enough of them to break the record

          • Death

            *his

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            To hell with grammar. I AM A GOD, show some respect you non-mortal fool

          • Death

            I don’t believe in gods, your shouting won’t affect me.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            it’s not shouting. It is merely my divine might taking a verbal form that cannot be expressed without the use of capital letters.

          • Death

            We will see if you’re a real bear when winter comes. You should be sleeping and not here.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            I am the god of forest. THE BEARGOD. I am not a being consisting of matter, but of spirit. Therefore I need no sleep

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    hockey players,guitarists. and those that were unknown—a secret force of magnitude and ember—-growing—in all the villages

    once scorned—-yet a truth—in the false /”small town”==and it’s televised new world jellyfish

    banglador india—a famous,unique artistic value
    into organic—technocratic–and the mystical
    —-
    play both at once===equal volume output
    http://youtu.be/0CVLVaBECuc

    http://youtu.be/4ska3C80ysk

  • Death

    I found some… interesting music. Check the part about Maskull and give it a listen.

    http://eggcityradio.com/2007/fast-product-crash-course-in-science-maskull-socrates-drank-the-conium-bruce-mccullough/

  • lolbuttz

    lolbuttz

  • W.

    I found a joke on Reddit:

    There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can’t seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won’t be interrupted.

    About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he’s unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn’t pick up because his phone is off.

    The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals— the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.

    The grim reaper swears. “Oh no! This always happens with identical twins”.

    “What do you mean?” asks the dentist.

    “Well… if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I’ve come to take him to the underworld. I’m afraid his time on Earth has ended. I’ll take my leave now.”

    The dentist is noticeably upset. He says “Wait! Isn’t there some way I can challenge you for my brother’s life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life.”

    The grim reaper asks “What do you have in mind?”

    The dentist thinks. “How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free.”

    The grim reaper laughs. “I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?”

    The dentist smiles. “I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide.”

    “Very well” says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.

    Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It’s glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper grins. “You are foolish human. But, you are entitled to your chance.”

    The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman. When his 5 minutes are up, he spits out the paste. He smiles.

    It’s unbelievable.

    The shine from the dentist’s teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper’s reflection in his perfectly clean teeth.

    The winner is obvious. The grim reaper hangs his head in shame. “You win, human. This time. Your brother will live.” He disappears in a puff of smoke. At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital. Not only is he uninjured, he seems perfectly healthy. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings. It’s his brother, the dentist. He picks up. “Hey bro. You’ll never believe what happened. Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car. They say I almost died.”

    The dentist smiles on the phone and says. “That’s interesting, bro. Today you might say that I also had a brush with death.”

    • lolbuttz

      lolbuttz.

    • Death

      Come on man, why’d you have to post this here? I’m really embarrassed about this incident. It was my first day on the job.

      • W.

        On the bright side, at least you have nice teeth.

        • Death

          I used to have. Time flies by fast.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            One would think you don’t age?

          • Death

            I don’t, but my teeth do.
            #Logic

    • Stockhausen

      I gave this a standing ovation in my head.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      This joke was amazing. I haven’t laughed this hard in ages.

    • BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

      • W.

        In my opinion, the best jokes produce that reaction.

          • W.

            Yup, that’s one of my regular haunts. I torture my wife with dad jokes regularly.

          • I am convinced that this is the most important role of the husband

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            Torture is the proper word sir. That was a long story for a terrible pun.

    • one of the reasons i quit reddit.

    • Gurp
    • “The shine from the dentist’s teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper’s reflection in his perfectly clean teeth.”

      How can he see his own teeth, let alone a reflection in his teeth… I award you no points and may god have mercy on your soul.

      • W.

        I’ll tell the author you disapprove.

        • sry, just me being the pedant that i am.

          • W.

            😉

          • Death

            Pedantgasm?

          • pedantagram?

  • I don’t really know anything about hockey, but I have summoned a champion to fight in my stead.

    • Death

      I don’t either, even though I’m supposed to.
      #FuckStereotypes

      • You’re Canadian now? You need to pick a country, imaginary or not, and stick with it dude

        • Death

          Ice Hockey is very popular here as well, you fuck!

          • Well yeah, so is the Imagiquarium of imaginary underseas life, right?

          • Death

            I thought that you power metal nerds aren’t mean.

          • W.

            Most aren’t. Randall can be when his PSL/blood ratio is low.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            Apparently ex-president’s are mean too

          • W.

            I just give Randall the razz because he can take it.

          • I was just playing around, not trying to be mean. Here’s some delicious music everyone can enjoy https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hDpc-831GPs

          • Death

            “Here’s some delicious music everyone can enjoy.” Nice generalization there, mate.

          • Death

            I love this song, but I’m pretty sure that everyone doesn’t.

          • Everyone trve*

          • Death

            Okay, now we’re okay. But only if you don’t try to shove power metal down my throat.

          • That’s pretty much my modus operandi dude

          • Death

            Shit! I guess I have to make a compromise.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            It’s never simple

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            You guys have some great players over there and your national team is one if the best.

          • Pagliacci is Kvlt

            Right behind quidditch?

          • Death

            What are you implying there, mate?

  • Gurp

    I went to a hockey game once. It was cold.

    • last time i went to a hockey game (St. Louis Blues) i was one of about 200 people in the stadium.

      • Gurp

        I bet that was exciting.

    • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

      I hate hockey with all my frozen once-a-heart. Even though I’ve enjoyed watching a couple of games

      • Death

        6-1!

        • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

          That was a good match. The only championship for Finns in hockey that didn’t leave a bad taste in my mouth

          • Death
          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            Mertsi melts my heart

          • Death

            Oh man, the story behind this song makes it better.

          • Death

            Except for the party that happened after it.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            But that bad taste was a bad taste in a good way

          • Death

            Have you fucking seen those pictures of it? Or watched that Paleface video?

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            No. And I’m perfectly okay with not being reminded of it.

          • Death

            You saw it?

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            You seem to be referring to a specific event, there were a couple that were humorously good. And a couple that I don’t quite remember. Enlighten me to what specific event did you refer to (even if obvious)

          • Death
          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            I was there for a while, before continuing towards a less crowded celebration

          • Death

            On an another note, what do you think of Paleface? He’s probably the only Finnish rapper that I like.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            He isn’t bad, and that shangri-la was folkishly nice, also some other good albums/songs. But overall I listen to very little hip hop. Or any other kinda music that uses rap vocals

      • Gurp

        Hockey seems like an odd thing to hate. Golf or baseball, but hockey?

        • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

          The first time Finland won world championship left a really bad taste in my mouth, in fact so much that I now have a schizophrenic way of looking at it. On the other hand, I kinda like it. On the other I hate it furiously

      • Tyree
        • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

          I kinda wish he had deceased. More gore in sports is what we need

        • crazytaco_12

          “Good lord, take the camera off of him” *cameraman zooms in*

      • Death

        I have always hated team sports. They enforce unneeded nationalism in Finland.

        • Violent ground acquisition games such as football is in fact a crypto-fascist metaphor for nuclear war.

        • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

          I can live with sports, team or not, but Hockey is a hard one for me

  • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

    Anybody else gettin ready to jam the f outta L Cohen’s new album come winter?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szYrXzEi0cg&index=2&list=PLcVjm5TixIzsHL5Z1Gj7NCEzAEt6om0Lp

  • My favorite part of hockey is that they are allowed to fight each other instead of having a foul called.

  • FeelTheDarkness

    Fuck the Flyers
    That is all

  • RustyShackleford

    As an islanders fan, this makes me sad, but I can’t necessarily disagree…

  • JWG

    Apparently because I’m from a city in British Columbia I’m apparently automatically required to be a fan of the Canucks and nothing else if I follow the NHL. I am a fan of the Canucks more or less for that same ‘home team’ rationale. But I support two other teams equally:

    The Bruins: I have family near Boston – and besides that’s where Milan Lucic went after his WHL career where I first saw him play.

    I should note: I’m more of a follower of the WHL than NHL. Especially since Victoria got its own team (or got another, if you include the original WHL).

    Red Wings: for an extremely historical and impossibly-tenuous reason. Look at their team history, and consider my preference for leagues other than the NHL.

    • crazytaco_12

      I love the Minnesota Vikings but also love the Seattle Seahawks. Been a Vikings fan longer, but I’ve lived in Washington most of my life. On another note, so fucking bummed Seattle isn’t going to get their own hockey team.

      • Virgil the Ghost Poet

        I thought they were? It seemed more likely that they will get a hockey team before a basketball team. Was your new arena built? I thought that expansion would be coming with in 5 years.

        • crazytaco_12

          The NHL had announced they were going to make 4 more teams (Seattle being one), and then the commissioner said “hell nah.” I think I was even referenced that article from Cock ov Steele. Also, new arena? I haven’t heard of any new arena yet.

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            Sorry. I thought that Seattle was trying to build an arena and get the 2 teams later.

          • crazytaco_12

            It’s no problem homie! I wish that’s what we were doing, you honestly may know better than me, but I haven’t heard anything yet.

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            I heard that Seattle, Vegas, K.C., and Québec City was getting teams in the near future. Then I heard 2 American cities Seattle and Vegas and 2 Canadian city’s. Then it was just 1 and 1 but Seattle always makes the list. Now getting an NBA team might be harder.

          • crazytaco_12

            Well, I hope to god we do get a team, but I won’t get my hopes again after last time

      • JWG

        I am also disappointed, if only as I could have otherwise had a bit of a laugh at persons trying to drum up a Seattle-Vancouver NHL rivalry akin to Toronto-Montreal or Calgary-Edmonton.

        • crazytaco_12

          It would be funny considering I know a ton of Canucks fan here who would probably instantaneously switch to Seattle fans if we ever got an NHL team

  • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

    ……..

  • Lacertilian

    Coming from a continent where we don’t have Ice Hockey, I didn’t have a team to support.
    Judging from names alone, I have chosen the San Jose Sharks as my team. Close second to the Colorado Avalanches.
    And my disliked team (once again based upon naming alone) is the Edmonton Oilers, close second is Minnesota Wild. Fucking terrible name.
    Did I win yet?

  • The Black Dahlia Burger

    Why is no one talking about hockey 🙁