NAILS – GQ Approved Grind

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“I wasn’t born to follow or model anybody’s Spring collection.

In the past, I had no desire to read GQ because I’m not some kinda body-waxing shitdick that leases an Audi or takes out loans for bottle service at the club. In between reviewing multi-thousand dollar watches (“it’s actually a timepiece” *BLAM*) and modelling designer clothing porn for the wannabe-Patrick Batemans of the world, the magazine has been giving insecure men a renewed sense of masculinity via conspicuous consumption since 1957. Now it appears that Gentlemen’s Quarterly (a monthly publication) is pursuing an affluent new demographic: fans of brutal SoCal grindcore. Where do I subscribe??

A few days ago, GQ.com published a listicle of “Fifteen Future-Vintage Band T-Shirts Cool Enough to Wear Right Now“. Included was a $50 Drake tee, some terrible all-over print of a band I’ve never heard of, and this sweet NAILS shirt:

nailsgq

So that’s a thing. I’m certainly not trying to say that you have to be super tr00 to dig harsh jams (look at me, I’m some dingus who spends 50 hours a week in a cubicle and drives home in a compact SUV), and I certainly hope that NAILS can flip a few shirts and pick up a few new fans from mainstream exposure but DANG if this isn’t an unlikely pairing. I look forward to the upcoming Cat Fancy article, “Bands You and Your Cat Will Love” featuring Swallowing Bile.

I’m heading out of town so it’s an open swim in this bitch.

  • I love Nails.

    • Nails/Venom split coming soon on Unique Leader Records, destined for all 10 spots on JAG’s year end list.

    • Lord Flashheart (aka KJU)

      I’ve never heard them, but heard the name plenty of times.

        • Lord Flashheart (aka KJU)

          Pretty fucking good! Sounds like Godflesh.

          • MoshOff

            wat

          • Lilo’s Meatflaps Of Doom (KJU)

            You heard me!

        • *been sitting at cubicle 8 hours so far*
          *pool of drool accumulated on keyboard*
          *presses play button on this sweet bomb of a YouTube upload*
          *spin kicks shitty secondary Acer monitor off desk*
          *roundhouse punches desk phone in to wall*
          *bangs head on desk until near concussion*
          *puddle of blood mixes with pool of drool*
          *discovers peace at last*
          W0000000000000000!

      • Hubert

        They’re fun. I dig Mammoth Grinder a lot more though.

        • I dig Entombed more than all the bands ripping off Entombed

          • Dagon

            I would say Black Breath and Trap Them do so way more than Mammoth Grinder/NAILS

          • It was just a pokey comment, I still love that people are trying to sound like Entombed

          • Dagon

            It sure beats people trying to sound like Meshuggah.

          • This is why i kill posers

          • I wish the bands trying to sound like Meshuggah weren’t uncreative 17 year-olds.

        • Dagon

          I like Mammoth Grinder more, too.

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KxFu0Y67r0

        • Lord Flashheart (aka KJU)

          Definitely loves me some Mammoth Grinder, though!

  • I’m not sure how I feel about this.

    On one hand, a bunch of posers wearing shirts for bands just to be cool (and I use posers in the actual sense, not in the “anyone who disagrees with me” satirical version I usually use here.)

    On the other, more people buy/support Nails merch.

  • How does an idea like this come up in a meeting? Were lots of empty glue and White Out bottles involved?

  • Hubert

    It’s not that difficult to put a gallery on one page, don’t make me click next for every goddamn image. Fuck that site.

    • Dagon

      I hate that. I believe this is the first time I share your hatred of something.

    • Lacertilian

      but they want moar clicks to feed their appetite for banality

  • The Beargod

    I feel like I ought to flay some of these people.

  • Dagon

    I don’t know about cats, but my dog Raj is a big Prurient and Swallowing Bile fan.

    • Schnauzers are morose creatures. I can see that.

      • Dagon

        Dude, so fucking morose. He is my spirit animal.

        There was this one Sunday we both listened to Dopesmoker twice, and he didn’t even move.

      • Dagon

        Depicted: morosity.

        • I lived with a roommate’s schnauzer for four years. The most activity he would muster was occasionally looking up at me from his bed to huff and sigh before going back to sleep.

          • Dagon

            The Sun O))) of pets. I think fish are more fun.

  • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

    So If I had hair and was 22 again, I guess I would have to get a Nails shirt and begin combing said hair like Tyrone Power to get all the girls?

    • Dagon

      You’d have to update the hair, though, it’s all about undercuts these days.

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        Please advise on updated hair stylings. But why do I see so many guys with neckbeards and hair like this?

        • Dagon

          I’mma join your group (you, W and Ed’s) of bald with a beard soon enough, but I really wish I could become an old hipsters. Old hipsters beat young hipsters with a spiked baseball bat.

          http://lolhehehe.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV-5.jpg

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            I looked up undecuts and you are soo right. I missed the nuance of the shaved sides. The exaggerated slicked part always cracks me up..(actually jealous) lol

          • Dagon

            I rock a pretty tame undercut for anatomical reasons, my head is wide and sort of flat on top so it helps balance out the weirdness my genetics brought upon me.

            Same with the beard.

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            sweet

          • Damn, he fresh af.

          • Dagon

            I’m telling you. I want to live in Italy and be an old stylish dude at Pitti Uomo.

          • I went to Italy for 3 weeks for a study abroad trip in college. Place is full of old dudes like that and then the complete opposite end of the spectrum where there are hugely overweight dudes wearing wife beaters.

          • Dagon

            So basically it’s full of people I want to look like and people I already look like at age 23. Cool.

          • The dudes dressed like the guy in that picture have model wives that are 20-30 years younger than them, too.

          • Dagon

            Sprezzatura.

          • Added to: Life Goals.

          • Dagon

            It’s on both of our bucket lists.

          • Dean the P.I. Staker

            Huge overweight dudes wearing wife beaters >>>>>>

            Metal.

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            dont forget to hang with ufomammut!

          • Ahmed Johnson The Reef Eater

            Is that Geoff Tate?

          • Dagon

            I hope not hehe.

          • Ahmed Johnson The Reef Eater

            It was a joke.

          • Dagon

            I know. On the real, Geoff Tate is one of the weirdest looking dudes in metal. Something about him just irks me.

          • Ahmed Johnson The Reef Eater

            He looks like a hipster version of Sherlock Holmes.

          • Lilo’s Meatflaps Of Doom (KJU)

            He looks like the evil professor from Raiders Of The Lost Ark.

            http://rs531.pbsrc.com/albums/dd358/iwanttorentawombat/facemelt.gif~c200

          • lolz

          • Dat sport coat is gangsta!

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            Carl Reiner Oceans 15?

          • Lilo’s Meatflaps Of Doom (KJU)

            Is that The Gorton’s Fisherman?!?

            http://www.erikbrush.com/gortons.jpg

    • The W.

      That hair comment hit home.

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        ahhh the good old days…we still have dreams.

    • ChuggaChuggaDeedleyDoo

      Tyrone Power was reputed to be gay, so idk if he was getting a lot of girls (although he obviously could have with majestic hair like that).

      • Also, Tyrone Power is the most BADASS name possible.

        • Lilo’s Meatflaps Of Doom (KJU)

          Line 1, it’s Armie Hammer. He’d like to have a word with you.

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        Excellent point and now that you mention it I recall hearing that in the past. I was going for the razor tight part, hair combed to the side, ample product example in human form. However, as a married, hetero man in the new millennium I’m not afraid to say Ty cut a fine jib! And I’m thinking regardless of his sexual preference he enjoyed the “company” of a few beautiful women in his prime.

      • Lilo’s Meatflaps Of Doom (KJU)

        I’d say roughly about 50% of all male entertainers back in those days were gay. Especially John Wayne and Sinatra.

    • Lilo’s Meatflaps Of Doom (KJU)
  • Maik Beninton

    *Flashbacks of Strong Scene Productions.

  • Dagon
    • Not me, Disintoxicated is probably my favorite album by them.

      • Dagon

        I didn’t spin this album. I found Solve Et Coagula through Spotify recommendations and I was instantly drawn in by the cover.

    • Digging on this. Savage stuff.

      • Kurt Ballou for the win on this one.

  • Click-bait -“Listen to this for 43 seconds, it will change your life”
    http://youtu.be/EX8Pm465Nj4

    • Dagon

      Buzzfeed readers would be SO confused.

      • Forgot to add the part about using one weird trick.

  • I love how they wrote the the crucial jam is “Wide Open Wound”. I don’t know whether I want to shake the GQ dude’s hand or punch him for this. So conflicted.

    • I’m really confused by this whole thing. One page recommending NAILS, another something like “Which Vodka Brand Makes You Look Most Alpha”

      • I’m sure it’s Ciroc.

        • The W.

          Vodka is for weiners.

          • I made my own drink on vacation with Cirac and fruit juice – I called the drink “Ciroc Obama”.

          • The W.

            I used to mix everclear, mountain dew, and lime gatorade powder. Called it Man Drank.

          • Lacertilian

            VodkaSobriety is for weiners

      • Lilo’s Meatflaps Of Doom (KJU)

        Dimitri, of course. With the smooth pallet of nail polish remover, turpentine, and many many broken dreams and divorces.

  • Ahmed Johnson The Reef Eater

    I would never guess that Nails would ever show up in GQ.

    • Lilo’s Meatflaps Of Doom (KJU)

      Look for their upcoming article ‘Cock And Ball Torture: The Soundtrack To A Perfect Sex Life”. I called it! *throws card down on table and scoops up my chips*

  • Oli Fucking Sykes, Son.

    So according to GQ, Nails will become the Nirvana of Powerviolence.
    I just hope that people could be able to name at least 5 songs by the band.

    • Ahmed Johnson The Reef Eater

      I despise Nirvana. I despise them so much.

      • Oli Fucking Sykes, Son.

        I don’t hate them (In Utero <3), but Alice In Chains are way better.

        • Ahmed Johnson The Reef Eater

          I love Alice In Chains. Manic Street Preachers made a much better version of In Utero called The Holy Bible. It’s much darker, much more graphic and heavier.

          • Oli Fucking Sykes, Son.

            I would agree, but I haven’t listened to THB in ages, so I can’t. I remember it being fantastic though.

          • Lilo’s Meatflaps Of Doom (KJU)

            Damn good album!

      • Maik Beninton

        You should accept them, they are the next band to be called dad rock.

        • The W.

          Actually, I’m pretty sure they do play Nirvana on classic rock stations.

        • Guppusmaximus

          People now label the shit I hated since it first came out that ends up on Classic Rock Radio as Dad Rock when, to me, it’s still just ‘Fucking Garbage’ (Nirvana incl.) *Aging Lunatic Moment of Epiphany*

          • Maik Beninton

            When something is that popular and influential, then it’s gonna happen whether you like it or not, in 10 or 20 years bands like Foo Fighters or The White Stripes will be label like that.

    • The Nirvana of Powerviolence would be a sweet fucking band name a la Eagles of Death Metal.

      • Dagon

        THIS. That name is so ace. Someone was trying to get Josh Homme into death metal and showed him Vader, he said “Wow, these dudes are like The Eagles of death metal” and the name was born.

        • whoawhoawhoa, he was talking shit on Vader?

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            fuck that bruh!

      • Oli Fucking Sykes, Son.

        Yes they would.

      • Ahmed Johnson The Reef Eater

        I’d prefer the title The Soundgarden of Powerviolence.

  • If you like Nails, these guys will knock your dick in the dirt.
    http://youtu.be/Q8F7z3kGFOA

  • Dagon

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TP9luRtEqjc

    Jamie xx’s new album is one of the non-metal releases I am looking forward to this year. This is a good track.

    • The Beargod

      The guy from The xx? Flush.

      • Lilo’s Meatflaps Of Doom (KJU)

        Yeah, I really tried to give The XX a chance, and they just sound hipster and bored as fuck. The guy singer sounds like he doesn’t even want to be there.

    • George Clarke
  • Scrimm

    I love days off. I’ve been spinning that new Drudkh today and sorry to disagree with a couple opinions here, but I be digging it.

    • The W.

      Hey, you like Drudkh, I like Babadook. We can still be bosom buddies.

      • Scrimm

        YES!! For real though, this last track especially is kicking my ass. I still like Blood of Kingu a lot more though.

        • The W.

          I think that could be why I liked it less. it just didn’t compare to that BoK releases.

          • Scrimm

            I’ve yet to hear material from them that does, imo. Really like both bands though. This is a great song. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-4uOYUIEDU

          • CT-12

            Sounds fucking sweet, I need to pick this up already

          • Scrimm

            Yeah I’m going to try to pick it up this evening.

      • George Clarke

        i saw the movie the babadook the other day it was p scary man

        • The W.

          I would have held your hand, GC.

          • George Clarke

            thanks dubya. i was in need of some hand holding in that one part with the dog i was like :((((((

      • CT-12

        Just saw it this past weekend, loved it, though the audio is just fucking ridiculous. *tiny whisper, tiny whisper* *SCREAMING IN YOUR FUCKING EARS*

    • INCREDIBEARD

      Drudkh >>>>>>>>>

  • “Hey, I like that skull t-shirt, BRO!”

    • “Thanks BRO. Ed Hardy is just so played out. The coolest new t-shirt brand is NAILS.”

    • CyberneticOrganism

      BRO!
      *high five*
      *slight ass grab*

      • CYBRO!

        *grab three cans of beer*

        *drinks one*

        *gives CYBRO the other two*

        YEAH, BROH!

        *awkard smile*

        BEWARE YOUR CIRCUITS, WE’RE GOING TO PARTAAY!

  • Spear

    This just came out yesterday. Kinda Opeth-y, kinda Enslaved-y. Pretty cool stuff.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgjPiqwqGl8

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    masterlords,,secret agents…and friends—
    prayers of forgiveness—as things grow and get bigger—it becomes like a favor or kind of a priviledge to a band—-to get featured here—
    just like geeque magazine===
    it is good to keep that in mind—and not try to piss on the sincere—-as disagreements sometimes are doorways to cooler things in the future
    a different landscape–as the toilet throne—-becomes the new altar –as the world prays
    and is in a present state of mass toilet worship–worldwide
    as the world denounces Christ as their personal savior –while praying to it

  • JWG

    I could totally write that Cat Fancy article right now; though Thor would probably demand coauthor credit.

    Our list would probably be a third doom, another third post-black, and as many cat puns as could be snuck into the last third (but no Cat Power).

  • D. Lee

    “Huh, Nails? They did that Fuck You Like An Animal song, right?”

    • The W.

      No, you’re thinking of Nickelback. I think Nails is the band that sings that song about being lashed to a slave stick.

    • Lord Flashheart (aka KJU)

      No no no. Nails was the one who did that song about kissing a girl and liking it.

    • nonono, you’re thinking of @webb71:disqus’s first Tech Death Thursday, featuring Ouroborous!

  • Max

    That’s a strong jam. I’m off to trade some junk bonds.