Mystery Horror Theater with Leif and Dubs Episode IV: A New Hope

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It has been a hot minute since myself or Dubya has tried to scare the piss out of everyone with spooky tales and gore galore. The good news? You should have had plenty of time to get your soiled pants clean from the last time. As always, I believe I’m got some jarring, scarring, and downright memorable tales for you. Friends, welcome once more to the Mystery Horror Theater.


The Offering

The first, uh, offering this week is award winning short The Offering. There are so many damn awards for these kinds of thing that I couldn’t tell you which one it is or what it means, but I can tell you that A.) It sounds damn good as opener, and B.) It doesn’t matter because The Offering is a damn fine short regardless of what possibly made up awards it has won. The short begins with a father and son driving down frozen, wooded road in the middle of the night, their destination unknown. Things start to get a bit eerie when they begin arguing about forgetting “the meat” and once they arrive at their intended destination things only continue to escalate, especially once the thing that wants the meat arrives. The Offering isn’t terrifying, per se, but it does offer up a great atmosphere and a chilling display of human cruelty.


SHE

This next one, SHE, is a rough one. I think it’s generally assumed that these are NSFW, but I’d like to warn you that this one is EXTRA NSFW. Hell, I squirmed so much watching it that I might not even consider safe for home. SHE stars Fiona Dourif, daughter of long time horror hound Brad Dourif, as a woman who is in an abusive relationship with a dark haired clone of Deafheaven’s George Clarke. Needless to say, she winds up getting revenge in the most brutal and graphic of ways. SHE uses silence to great affect as the lack of dialogue only intensifies the scenes of abuse and serves to make her significant other appear that much more insolent. Between the subject matter and the watch-through-your-fingers finale, this film is easily the most unsettling of the group. Oh, and major props for the foreshadowing with the carrot.


Killer Kart

Everybody still here after that one? Okay, good. How about a little levity after such brutality? Our comic relief comes in the form of Killer Kart, a short film about, you guessed it, killer shopping carts. The entire thing is framed as an 80’s slasher film where the night crew of a small super market are terrorized by the very things placed within for consumer convenience. You may be asking yourself “Why are shopping carts killing people? That’s stupid.” Well Mr. or Ms. Know-It-All, it’s because shopping carts are sick of your bullshit and if you can’t see that then you’re part of the problem. I hope they get you first you inconsiderate bastard.


That’s all for this entry, folks! Please remember to treat all family members, women and shopping carts with respect or else you will die.

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  • Scrimm

    Fiona Dourif was a sweetheart when I met her, even though she was obviously sick.. Her dad was great, of course.

    • Vote for Jeb

      Sick?

      • Scrimm

        Yeah she was visibly ill.

        • Vote for Jeb

          Aw, sorry to hear that.

  • Honkey McWienerPudding
  • Stockhausen

    I haven’t watched any of these yet, but the mention of revenge and a carrot makes me nervous.

    • Spear
      • Stockhausen

        That would be a painful thing if that thing happened to your wiener.

        • Spear

          …I suddenly feel incredibly juvenile.

          • Vote for Jeb

            That’s definitely not proper banana eating form.

          • Spear

            Really? You’ll have to send more pictures of how it’s supposed to be done. For uh… research.

          • Vote for Jeb

            I have your email address.

          • Spear

            Good. You seem like a man who knows how to handle a banana.

          • Vote for Jeb

            The first step is to never break eye contact when eating a banana. It’s a shameful thing to eat a banana when you’re alone. Only do so when in the company of others, and never break eye contact with the weakest person in the room.

          • Herr Schmitty

            You also want to hold a cardboard sign that has the word ‘Fellatio’ printed in big block letters on it too; while again, as you emphasized, refusing to break eye contact.

          • Herr Schmitty

            IIRC, you’re the group expert! Potassium for all!

          • Stockhausen

            I snickered while typing wiener, you’re in good company.

          • Honkey McWienerPudding
        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          Well shit, I don’t want to know how painful that would be.

    • Honkey McWienerPudding
  • The Haunting Presence of Tyree

    Fuck! SHE just beat Antichrist I think for the most gruesome genital mutilation scene. That was fucking difficult to watch bro.

    • Vote for Jeb

      I always think of Teeth when I think of genital mutilation.

      • The Haunting Presence of Tyree

        Ha. That movie was something else.

      • There’s some pretty sick, uh . . . fish-hook genital mutilation in this otherwise heartwarming film by Kim Ki Duk. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yE–7OsA_V4

      • Scrimm

        I just don’t think of genital mutilation.

        • Vote for Jeb

          I mostly think of it when people say they don’t like Amon Amarth 😉

          • Scrimm

            Amon Amarth doesn’t make me think about weiners, they make me think about poop.

          • Vote for Jeb

            Hahahaha. You’re alright, Tall Man.

          • Scrimm

            You too. To be fair I do have a picture somewhere of myself from about ten years ago wearing one of their shirts.

          • Vote for Jeb

            It’s been downhill ever since.

          • Scrimm

            That is true. I don’t even enjoy the odl stuff anymore, and I really used to. Kinda like In Flames.

          • Vote for Jeb

            I can’t think of the last time I actually put on an In Flames record. Used to really like a lot of their older stuff, but in general, I have very little interest in most melodeath right now.

          • Scrimm

            Same. Sounds like pop to me. I always worried that getting older would mellow me out musically like it seems to do for so many more people, but my taste has just grown more extreme.

        • The Haunting Presence of Tyree

          Isn’t there a Cephalic Carnage video with some nasty genital mutilation? I remember that from a few years back.

          • The Haunting Presence of Tyree

            Found it. Definitely not NSFW.
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MTdRV5ynQCI

          • Honkey McWienerPudding

            Cattle Decap had one too (Forced Gender Reassignment), but it’s fuck near impossible to find, and Youtube banned it.

          • Vote for Jeb

            Pretty sure it’s on Bloody Disgusting.

        • Stockhausen

          You must live a boring life.

          • Scrimm

            You know damn well I do. When not working I’m either here on on the fb group.

        • more beer

          Most guys don`t want to think about it.

      • Honkey McWienerPudding

        Or Hard Candy.

      • more beer

        When I worked at UNMH I took care of a dude who cut his own off and threw it on a roof. He got rushed to the hospital without it. They finally found it like 6 hours later and airlifted it to the trauma center there. They reattached it and he got gang green in it so they cut it off again. I saw some pretty sick things there. But that one gave me the creeps. The guy would just lay there looking at where it used to be.

    • Scrimm

      My shit legitmately hurts now.

    • Leif Bearikson

      After watching it I get visibly anxious whenever anyone is dicing anything remotely dick shaped in the kitchen.

      • Vote for Jeb

        There are a lot of good foods shaped like weiners, bro. You must get antsy all the time.

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      Well there goes my appetite.

  • Vote for Jeb

    I actually shopped sweet Link into the theater, but I felt like it changed the tone of the post a bit too much.

    • Stockhausen

      I’m barely even watching in the back. Leif is also…thyme…watching.

      Wait, dangit.

      • Leif Bearikson

        Your jokes could use a bit better…thyme…ing

        • Sir Tapir The Based :]

          I’m gonna kill you all.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            Why? Puns are so good!

          • Honkey McWienerPudding
          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I forgot to tell you, I found the one album released by Blackwater Park on Spotify. You had said something about it once and I thought I’d tell you it’s there.

          • Honkey McWienerPudding

            Link me! I’ve been looking for that forever! Lol, I always thought Mikael from Opeth was the only one who had anything of their’s. Steve Wilson might have it too. Any good?

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I haven’t listened to it yet. Here’s a link to it on Youtube.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XojcxSuQMdg

          • Honkey McWienerPudding

            Not bad, outside of those lolbuttz keyboard lines.

    • Scrimm

      You could do worse than stickin ol’ Scrimm in there once.

    • Honkey McWienerPudding

      And you even put Mrs. Masterlord in there! Could’ve used some KJU, but then again we in Best Korea own Sony now, so no biggie.

      • Vote for Jeb

        Yo, that’s Stockhausen.

        • Honkey McWienerPudding

          Haha I know.

    • I change everything.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    I shall watch Killer Karts right now. It seems like Chopping Mall but more insane.

    • Honkey McWienerPudding

      Lol, Chopping Mall. Check out I-Mockery’s review of it. It’s fucking hilarious!

      http://www.i-mockery.com/minimocks/chopping-mall/

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        I love I Mockery.

        • Honkey McWienerPudding

          Haha, that’s how I got into 3 Dev Adam! :-p

  • KJM

    How can you forget “the meat”?!

    • Jormungandr

      SHE didn’t!

      • KJM

        I…didn’t watch that one.

  • JWEG

    “Foreshadowing with the carrot”.
    No. Not gonna watch. No way. No how.

  • KJM
  • Waynecro

    “Fore[skin]shadowing with the carrot.” This film should have been shot in black and white because it’s high art.

  • Óðinn
  • Óðinn

    ~~~

    • Aaaaand saving this one too

    • Vote for Jeb

      This is beautiful

      • Óðinn

        Thanks W. You’re very kind. 🙂

  • Óðinn
  • watched SHE. holy fvck.