My MANOWAR Internship

A tale of POWER and STEEL.

In January of last year MANOWAR announced internship openings for their new Copyright Infringement Detection Division. On January 1st 2016, after 12 months of a grueling interview schedules and other tournaments, they released their final list of worthy candidates. 50 poser slayers and true metal believers. 50 of the most rag-tag, ruthless, leather clad warriors, and yours truly was on that list. My hair was long enough, my poser hate was strong enough, my steel melee weapon was sharp enough and most importantly my baby oil knowledge was broad enough. I was a shoo-in from day one, but I had to prove myself to these Metal Kings. This account is simply the first passage in a series of trials depicting how I have become known as the most infamous MANOWAR employee of all time.

The application process started at the beginning of 2015 with the recording of my falsetto scream and taking a full body picture for immediate judgment. I submitted my entry, and one month later I received a scroll by way of messenger owl telling me to arrive at MANOWAR’s Great Hall Headquarters in New York the morning of February 17th, the 28th anniversary of Fighting The World. I was overjoyed. I gathered my leather armour, leaped upon my horse of steel and headed to New York with great haste.

Upon my arrival to MANOWAR’s Great Hall, I was greeted by two burly men in loincloths with shaved and oiled chests. The larger of the two pointed to a welcome desk in the lobby where an even bigger man was signing in all applicants. There were only a few ahead of me, but more were piling in at an alarming rate. I immediately started weeding out my opponents, those that were worthy and those that were posers. After signing in we gathered in front of a stage. 300 denim and leather clad warriors in all. The lights went dark. A fiery explosion introduced MANOWAR onto the stage. “MANOWAR MANOWAR LIVING ON THE ROAD!” blasted through the speakers. I noticed a few people bleeding from their ears. I soon realized that this was the first test. Only True Metal Warriors can withstand the Power of MANOWAR. Bouncers were walking through the crowd pointing out the ear bleeding posers and escorting them out of the hall. Luckily my Metal training had prepared me for this day, and I moved closer to the stage. Next on the set was “Black Wind Fire And STEEL.” I shouted along, “FULL MOON’S LIGHT IS CALLING ME, MY KINGDOM LIES WITHIN.” Around me, I noticed only half of the crowd was singing along. These posers didn’t know MANOWAR lyrics. By ODIN’s beard, what was going on?!?! There was no way these posers could call themselves warriors. It was apparent that I was not the only one who believed this. A second wave of bouncers came through the crowd and led all non-singers out of the HALL. I had passed the second test. As the final “BORN OF BLACK WIND FIRE AND STEEL” was sung, MANOWAR left the stage. The lights came up, and there were only 200 of us left from the initial crowd. We looked at each other; nods of respect were shared. The screen behind the stage gave us our next instruction. It read “RETURN MARCH 6TH”.

We were guided out of the hall, through a different exit than the wimps and posers, and into a smaller room. After waiting a few minutes JOEY DEMAIO, leather clad and skin glistening, entered the room. “A date was shown to you, my METAL BROTHERS, who can tell me the significance of it?” he asked.

Before I could answer someone from the back shouted, “European Day of The Righteous.”

FALSE, LEAVE THE HALL,” shouted Joey. The poser left the hall, and we never saw him again.

“It is your birthday, sir,” I said with great confidence.

“Yes, warrior, it is my birthday, and also your next test of worthiness. You will return home for now and await further instruction. HAIL!” With that, JOEY DEMAIO left.

We stood in silence. Not a word was uttered. Then something rose within me, for I could not keep it contained.  I started to chant, “manowar, Manowar, ManOwaR, MANOWAR! MANOWAR! MANOWAR!” Soon the whole room was chanting along. The room started to vibrate, and as we left our shouts reverberated throughout the complex.

In the parking lot, we all bade each other farewell, leapt back upon our horses of steel and rode away into the sunset.

Written by:

Published on: March 8, 2016

Filled Under: Lolbuttz, Metal

Views: 1780

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  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    I had an internship with Manilla Road. It wasn’t as fun as this but I did get to talk with them about their cover of DOA by Bloodyrock

    • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

      Manilla Road >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Manowar

      • Boss the Ross

        Easy there buddy, let’s not be too hasty.

        • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

          You already know my opinion on Manowar haha!

          • Boss the Ross

            Haha! I know, just giving you shit!

          • MANOBRO!

          • BRONOWAR!

          • Boss the Ross

            Sounds like a political statement. Haha!

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        They are the best. Crystal Logic and Courts Of Chaos are untouchable when it comes to power metal.

      • Sir Tapir The Based

        Eh, both are terrible.

        • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

          I was waiting for you to chime in on this. It took longer than expected.

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            I’m sorry Frank, too busy jammin’ good ol’ Comus.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Well, that’s a good enough reason.

  • tigeraid

    I support this article–WITH STEEL.

  • tigeraid

    Also I really, really appreciate the outside links. Really brings it together. 5/7.

  • “Poser” was used 10 times in this post including the one in this sentence.

    That’s not enough “Posers”.

    • Poser.

    • Boss the Ross

      My apologies, poser.

  • Dubs

    HAIL HAIL HAIL AND KILL

  • My steel is throbbing with power right now

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      I’m going to guess this is actually sexual.

      • Dubs

        Nothing sexual.

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          Then why am I so turned on?

          • Dubs

            AROUSAL IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER

          • *BEERHOLDER*

            FTFY

      • Boss the Ross

        Not at all

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        You getting turned on too, bro?

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          No.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Sorry. Cause I’m about to reach the zenith up in this bitch.

          • neither are we, JJD

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I didn’t know.

    • Dubs

      My warhammer surges with glory.

      • My steel’s made out of steel not clay

        • Boss the Ross

          My stripes won’t wash away!

          • BobLoblaw

            My banners colors dont run.

      • The God Emperor of Mankind

        I feel the urge to shoot mighty rays of pure Imperial light all over the place.

    • tigeraid

      And my axe.

      • Dubs

        I will impale my enemies on my shining spear.

        • tigeraid

          I know exactly what you’re talking about.

        • Scrimm

          Not you too.

      • And my key chain pocket razor.

      • The Tetrachord of Archytas
        • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

          Always necessary.

    • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

      How can this not be written by you?

      • The are other warriors than I

        • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

          Though none as powerful.

          • Scrimm

            Once again my computer screen is covered in soda.

          • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

            Haha! Sorry for the mess, but glad to be of service.

          • Scrimm

            It’s a reminder that I need to quit drinking soda.

          • I drink about 6 cans of Pepsi Max a day. I need to stop that too.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Water, beer, or whiskey. That’s it for me.

          • The essentials.

          • Scrimm

            I drink way too much. I never felt too bad about it because of my otherwise almost complete lack of sweet tooth and the fact that I was able to quit smoking and never let my drinking get out of hand so as a vice it was a pretty small one, but I really have to start taking better care of myself

          • Luckily, the Pepsi I drink is 0 calorie but it’s still terrible.

          • Scrimm

            Trying to stick with the zero calorie stuff too. Not being able to work out much is not doing me any favors though. Can only seem to keep my weight down so much without it. Really need to just have surgery and get back to it. Getting older isn’t helping with the weight control either.

          • tigeraid

            oh god. Your insides.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I mostly drink water when I’m home.

          • Óðinn
      • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

        It was done with permission.

        • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

          From the Man O War Don I assume…

          • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

            Damn, Randall is a Don?

      • tigeraid

        FOR WE ARE MANY, POSER.

        EDIT: I apologize, I don’t actually know if you’re a poser….. yet.

    • Spear

      I’m polishing my spear as we speak.

      • Been reading the lusty argonian maid?

        • Spear

          You know it.

    • Boss the Ross
        • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

          Now that is one atrocious cover.

          • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

            Have you heard Anal Cunt’s Gloves of Metal cover? Its good.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            I’m listening to it right now. Sounds filthy as fuck.
            I feel a bit bad for Arch Enemy. I mean, it’s very telling that a joke band like Anal Cunt does a better job at covering a Manowar song than them.

          • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

            Ha, damn!

          • more beer

            But not surprising in the least.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Old Arch Enemy was passable. After that it went straight downhill, right into an abyss of shit. I dare say even Sevendust sounds less bland than that sorry excuse for melodeath they’ve been crapping out.

          • more beer

            And one atrocious band!

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            ..

          • Lol, I’m almost finished with season one of The Next Generation. Yikes.

          • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

            Yikes?

          • First season has been… Something.

          • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

            Haha, gotcha. It gets better.

          • So I’ve heard.

          • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

            And then DS9 blows everything out of the water.

          • tigeraid

            Always. DS9 is best Star Trek.

          • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

            FACT.

        • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

          This isn’t too bad.

          • That was my first Machowar song, I still like the cover 😛

          • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

            I think Kings of Metal was the first Manowar song I heard.

          • I think the first Manowar song I ever heard was “Gloves of Metal”. By Anal Cunt.

          • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

            That’s my favorite Manowar song and probably my favorite Manowar cover.

        • tigeraid

          This thread needs more of my fellow Sons of Odin.

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BDaLLTXKKvE

  • Wait, Boss the “Hoss” Ross wrote dis?

    /mindblow

    GL

    • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

      He did?

      • You did?

        • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

          Oh shit, that was me!

  • Dubs

    BROTHERS EVERYWHERE, RAISE YOUR HANDS INTO THE AIR!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpvUqzPixAU

    • THIS IS THE ONLY SONG THAT TRULY MATTERS IN LYFE.

    • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

      WE’RE WARRIORS! WARRIORS OF THE WORLD!

    • the litany of youtube videos of bands covering this tune is maxlolbuttz

      • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

        Overloadmaxlolbuttztotheinfinitedegree

        Ftfy

          • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

            Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!
            Holy shit, 365 needs to get on this!

          • nah i think 365 actually needs some material to work with, huehue
            0:00 – 6:45: wut?

          • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

            Good one Jimmy!

          • tigeraid

            Outstanding.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Holy goddamned fuck

          • The Tetrachord of Archytas

            everyone looks green screened in

  • Scrimm
    • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

      They will surely die by the STEEL!

      • Scrimm

        I always though it was funny there was a big Manowar fan there

        • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

          Complete with tattoo!

        • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

          A Limp Bizkit fan would be funnier.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    Still probably won’t be good. But goddamn, do I like Necrolord’s artwork.http://www.blabbermouth.net/news/dark-funeral-to-release-where-shadows-forever-reign-album-in-june/

    • Oh, I’m sure the production will completely ruin it.

      EDIT: Artwork is rad though.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        Yeah, which is a shame. That’s their best artwork since the the first album. So cold…

        • Hmm, looks like Magus Caligula is not on vocals for this one.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Yeah, he’s been gone technically. He did fill in on live dates. The time I saw them he did, though he might have still been the vocalist at the time anyway. Not sure.

        • BobLoblaw

          Didnt like the rehashed demon covers? Haha.

          • Those are so terrible. Hahaha!!!

          • BobLoblaw

            Diabolis Interium is too legit to quit though.

          • Yeah, good album despite the artwork.

          • BobLoblaw

            Matte Modin’s drumwork was phenomenal on that album. Sad he hasnt done much worthwhile other than Skineater since.

          • Fuck! You ain’t kidding. I listened to Diabolis Interium and Attera Totus Sanctus a lot during high school just for the drumming alone.

          • BobLoblaw

            Diabolis has some of the best melodies on any record in my opinion and hands down the sickest vocal work. Its just as melodic as the music.

          • Yeah, I need to revisit that album. It’s been years. I don’t think I own it honestly, just the mp3 files.

          • BobLoblaw

            Treat yo self.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Attera >>>>>>>>

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Never forget

          • BobLoblaw

            Man, the speed that you guys pump these out. Had that one waiting in the wings didnt you?

          • Rob M

            Jesus fucking Christ…I dont think forgetting this will be an actual issue

          • Hahahaha!

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Hahaha. Sadly, no.

          • CyberneticOrganism
    • Great cover art, indeed! I have some Necrolord pieces as wallpapers, he have such an style.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        Such an amazing artist. Also in one of the sickest bands ever too.

        • Rob M

          Grotesque fucking slayed

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Understatement!!! Yes, they killed!

          • Picked up that In the Embrace of Evil vinyl at Hells Headbash last year.

    • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

      I like it (the art), but it’s… generic Necrolord – the colors and all. Starting to cross the line to too obvious a piece. Like you could literally have hought of this piece before seeing it just by imagining an average Necrolord piece.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        I can agree with that.

        • Scrimm

          I’d still take generic Necrolord art over most others.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      That’s a throwback DF cover. Away from the hellish orange and back to the blues.

  • Where’s that locker when you need it…

    • Dubs

      I think, if you pull the latch, you’ll find you’ve been inside it all along.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        Isn’t the whole site in the locker?

        • Dubs

          Indeed. Not one of us has ever come out of the locker.

          • The truth hurts.

          • it’s a hurt… locker

          • Dubs

            That movie happened to be playing in the hotel room the first night I stayed in Dubai. It was kind of surreal watching it there.

          • Wow. I can only imagine.

          • The next site t-shirt should be a scrawny black metal kid getting stuffed in a locker.

    • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

      Are you implying you’d like to enter one?

    • tigeraid

      Poser sighted! Move in for the kill! (with steel.)

      • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

        AND POWER!

  • BobLoblaw

  • Owlswald

    Soon the sculpting of my 8 pack and growing of my chest hair forest will be complete at which time I will challenge you to a T.O.V duel of power chords and battle cries.

  • Rob M

    Influences include Bathory, Immortal…and MANOWAR!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e3Gjaqd9ovg

    • YIS!

    • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

      Havukruunu is one of the best things in (Finnish) black metal right now. And fortifying of Dubya’s opinion on the one man bands.

    • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

      That band is good shit.

    • This is good, I have this pending for doomload, since I listened this.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQCZ8CmExLI

      • Rob M

        Yeah, that demo was what put them on my radar as well…really solid stuff

    • Sir Tapir The Based

      Havukruunu is bae.

  • Salvador Dalí Lama

    Anyone who is not into power metal is doing this right now

    http://replygif.net/i/1219.gif

    • Rob M

      Thats a joke right…you made that up

      …please tell me that you made that up

      • It’s from The Onion, so yeah. Haha

        • Rob M

          Whew!

          …honestly wouldnt put it past McDonalds to try it

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Did you have to do any guitar teching on Joey’s tiny little bass neck?

    http://manowar.ee/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/Joey_DeMaio_2.jpg

    • Dubs

      I think it’s a piccolo bass

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Yep, just looks and sounds ridiculous.

        • Scrimm

          Just like the rest of the band.

    • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

      Don’t get ahead of the story now…

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Ah, gotcha

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      Even Joe’s hands are too big for that bass neck.

  • this article rules, Boss. i liek how you broke the fourth wall of the blog and resumed a previous article.

    • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

      What do you mean? This is simply a synopsis of my journal entries from this past year.

      • i mean…. i like how you did what you just described here. my initial comment was just a joke!

        • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

          Hahaha, that was a funny joke Jimmy! You pretend like I’m not a chiseled, fur-wearing, sword- wielding warrior.

  • Nothing against Manowar, but if I had to pick, I would stick with Amon Amarth when considering lyrical based music.

    • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

      GL!?!?!?!?!

  • Waynecro

    I’m very much looking forward to seeing how this all plays out. Awesome work, Boss. I’m surprised Manowar didn’t make you sign an NDA.

    • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

      Thanks man!
      Just you wait and see…

  • Eliza

    I want to go dragon hunting after reading this epic tale of epicness.

    • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

      EPIC!

      • Eliza

        Epicly epic epicousity.

        • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

          That is a lot of epic.