Much Ado About Nothing: The Kerry “Burger” King Edition

6512
65
Share:

Metalheads are a group of people who love to hate. We hate Deathcore. We hate clean vocals. We hate Rings Of Saturn. We hate Axl Rosenberg. I could do this all day. Like it or not, hate is a part of Metal and Metal culture. I would like to share some of my thoughts about a man that collects a lot of hate in the Metal world: Kerry King.

Despite the fact that he helped form one of the most influential bands of the genre, Metal fans’ hatred of Kerry King can be found everywhere. Check out any metal blog post about Slayer; the proof is in the pudding. The comments section is the only thing that comes close to hating him as much as he hates himself. You will find topics including but not limited to his Burger King addiction, his dive bar band of talentless hacks, and his inability to play solos. He is one of the most consistently ridiculed Metal figures, which is hilarious. Don’t get me wrong; I am a Slayer fan. But the only thing I love more than Slayer is ripping on Kerry King. To be fair to spiteful Metalheads like me, he is an easy guy to hate. I mean, just look at him.

kerry2

“Yeah, bro! Turned 50 in early June! Let’s ride!”

In the immortal words of Larry David, “There are two kinds of people who wear sunglasses indoors: Blind people and assholes.” The last time I checked, Kerry King can still see. But maybe it would make sense if he were blind; somehow, he has not noticed that the shades he wears 24/7 look like they were bought at some Godless gas station in Wyoming that has a case for combat knives and bongs at the counter, although I would bet my ass on a butcher block he paid at least $300 for them. I’m not even going to touch on the tattoos, they speak for themselves.

 

KKguitar

The Devil Horns is the icing on the comedic cake that is this picture. Rock on, brother!! \m/\m/

Of course, this overcompensating aesthetic comes with an overcompensating personality. He calls himself “Kerry Fucking King” unironically for fuck’s sakes. The whole financial bullshit he pulled with Dave Lombardo was a just a dick move, to make a long story short. As if King needs more money; doesn’t he get enough from Jaegermeister? Even if King’s half-baked retort about being “business partners” wasn’t just an excuse, a professional in the music industry should still step up, be a fuckin man, and be honest when they fuck over a “business partner” that contributes to their livelihood and legacy. If you want to throw professional jargon around, then fucking act like a professional.

And through these experiences, they form bonds, stronger, and harder than the rest.” 

The irony is stunning. *Rant Over*

Looks are only skin deep and personalities may not be what they appear. Many people set a musician’s personal looks and life aside to focus on the art itself without bias, which is an attitude I can respect. Let’s take Kerry King’s tackiness and delusional egoism out of the picture and listen to some tunes he penned the way they are supposed to be listened to; as Slayer songs. Some of the stuff that King wrote is great. Many of his songs got me into Slayer and Metal in general. King also wrote his share of horrid train wrecks. I’ll post one of each although I have lots of examples of both, because I know everyone has heard them before.

Reign In Blood is overplayed in the Metal realm, fair enough. However, this is the track on it that I feel had the most influence on more extreme genres of Metal. Again, you’ve heard this song before. King wins this round.

King’s other pennings such as Show No Mercy and Skeletons of Society are of my favorite songs in their respective albums, and I even listen to “Skeleton Christ” from the otherwise forgettable Christ Illusion every now and then just for the riffs.

On the other hand, King has wrote some of Slayer’s worst. As people get older they change. They gain new perspectives, new influences, and new insecurities.  When these things in a person’s life changes, so does the art that they produce. In the Mid-2000s (to be fair to King, that was a dark time for us all) King started writing atrocities riddled with juvenile, against lyrics and riffs that sound like they belong in a UFC video game. The intricate, imaginative, and dark pieces of artwork of earlier Slayer album covers were also replaced by his royally pathetic attempts of shock value. Whatever the reason, King started writing songs like this:

I’d love this song if I had a GED, worked at a Harley Davidson dealership, and smoked weed out of a Bud Light can.

I will always be a Slayer fan despite Kerry “Burger” King and how laughable he is. You have to take the good with the bad. A true fan can laugh at the bands that they like and rip on the musicians. And when members of our favorite bands are punishing the fans by not doing their jobs ethically and being dishonest, we have every right to be angry. Speaking of being honest, this post discussing my thoughts on Kerry King is not necessary. They can be summed up by the always exquisite poetry of RiotAct666:

Screw Kerry “Burger” King and his cover band!!!!!! Have fun playing the dive bar tour. Make sure the owners of that place help move that oh so heavy, spine breaking, pool table out of the way. And put it back after the shows over!

-RiotAct666, 2014

 

Do you have secret Kerry King-penned jams? Are you like me and have a shred of faith that at least one new Slayer song will be listenable? Is there something that The Government of France is not telling us about Varg?

  • FeelTheDarkness
    • geddy

      ..

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    I feel like lyrics shouldn’t contain the word fuck more than three times to avoid being plain cringeworthy.

    • Mr.CustodialArts

      Not a rap fan, eh?

      • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

        Rap may be an exception. I should have said lyrics in rock music.

    • Mr. Bojangles

      poser.

      Mr. Bojangles

      • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

        Pussy

    • EsusMoose

      Multiple fucks is fine if they are a part of a repeating part or emphasizes a mood. Multiple fucks that are just used to fill beats or sound intense is terrible and flushworthy

  • GL

    • Guest

      Better?

      *EDIT* FUCK DISQUS. GDit

      GL

    • Metaphysical Anus

  • Guest

    Sex. Murder. Art. That fucker couldn’t write a song

    • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

      Yeah, everyone knows you should have the sex after the murder.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    Sex. Murder. Art.

    • Between The Buried & Smee

      You should start a cover band that only plays Sex. Murder. Art., Roots Bloody Roots, and Too Extreme! in rotation.

  • Pagliacci is Kvlt
    • Bucket ‘o Blood

      That cunt needs to TUCK HIS THUMB

  • Mr.CustodialArts

    I often wonder what the response would have been if Kerry died instead of Jeff…I dare say Dave would still be in the band as well.

    • Between The Buried & Smee

      Then everyone would probably be shitting on Jeff (though less so than they do Kerry), and see Kerry King as the creative force behind Slayer’s greatness.

      • Lacertilian

        I think you have made a mistake with the creative force comment.
        Anyone who has listened to $layer long enough would appreciate that Jeff appeared to be the more skilled composer of the two, long before he died.
        The fact that sentiment has been echoed after his death is no surprise, because we were saying it since the 90’s.

  • no offense Paris Hilton, but after reading the headline i immediately skipped down to the bottom, hoping this article was written by RiotAct666…
    still a great article tho!!!

    • Paris Hilton

      None taken, I would have too!!

      • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

        cool article miss hilton ! there is definitely more to you than a pretty face.

    • Room 101

      Ha ha, me too dude.

    • m/

  • Scrimm

    I used to see this guy in the grocery store all the time in the 90’s, pushing his shopping cart around trying to look tough. No joke.

    • Mr.CustodialArts

      Ooooh, what did he buy, WHAT DID HE BUY? Yogurt? Dude, Kerry King eating Yoplait. METAL.

      • Scrimm

        Cart full of douche.

        • Mr.CustodialArts

          Oh, that’s nice, shopping for his lady. He’s sensitive! “EXILE! YOU MADE ME BUY YOUR DOUCHE!!! EXILE!!!”

    • Paris Hilton

      I’m dying from picturing that!

      • Scrimm

        I gotta say I looked forward to going to the grocery store back then.

  • W.

    I like you, Paris. Write more things.

  • I require more short stories from you, Paris.

    • Paris Hilton

      I have one about a camping trip with Morrissey coming up! Stay tuned!!

      • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

        but he’s a fruitcake, what fun uninhibited sex story will we get ! ? *paint me dissapointed*

        • Paris Hilton

          I just may have a trick or two up my sleeve…

  • Cockypock Aioli

    Kerry King reminds me of those embarrassing years, usually in late teenager times, when we got a little too serious and tried on the makeup and overdid the outfit, complete with a trvly serious demeanor. At 50, that is still King’s reality :/

    • The Satan ov Hell

      I still have a huge ass spiked gauntlet somewhere, Kerry King probably has 20, each in a glass case in his home.

      • Cockypock Aioli

        At least as an adult I save a lot of money on black hair dye.

        • The Satan ov Hell

          Don’t forget the bullet belts

        • BigTasty

          So does Kerry King.

    • Yea it’s just like that, except for the million$ in the bank.

  • Scrimm

    • CyberneticOrganism

      I wonder what our resident Ace Ventura will have to say about this.

      • P-ST0LER0

        Something like, “aaaalright-ee then”???

  • Orgiastic Disembowelment

    I always thought varg and the burger king both resembled / reminded me of someone else… it all makes sense now

    • Jesus Christ

      Varg reminds me of count grizzsnack and the dude from some band called Children of Burzum 🙂

  • JWG

    More to that opening assertion than anything else, I don’t hate deathcore anywhere near as much as I’m apparently supposed to.

    I credit/blame the extreme lack of homogeneity of my local scene. There are a bunch of metalcore and deathcore bands, but the fan base (and audience at shows) is pretty much the same group for those bands as you’d see at a black metal or death metal or melodeath or power metal gig.

    …Maybe not the stoner metal audience, which tend to be a living breathing mass of flannel.

  • Gurp

    But Tom gets a pass for not being Kerry, right?

  • Guppusmaximus

    I don’t think Burger King approved the devil horns in that B.C. Rich poster. #BIGMACATTACK

  • Jesus Christ

    Needs more Mustaine, Nugent, and Palmeri articles 3/10 need improvement

  • CyberneticOrganism

    WIN for ending with a RiotAct666 quote

  • Further Down the Metal Hole

    Huh, I used to like Exile but I’ve never listened to it closely. You ruined it now, meanie, I never really took in the admittedly bad lyrics.

    But yeah, Kerry Burgermeister King is ridiculous to look at, never mind the things he gets up to.

  • geddy

    Perhaps Kerry King, like me, wears prescription shades? Has anyone asked him?

  • Max

    My Slayer collection only goes up to Divine Intervention but looking through it, what stands out is how few songs there are which he exclusively wrote music and lyrics for. That said, “Temptation”, “Dittohead” and “Circle of Beliefs” are all great for my money. I happen to think Divine Intervention (which people now characterize as a “King album”, for whatever reason) is as good as any of the unholy trinity; it’s just a pity King himself doesn’t agree.

    He’s certainly over-done it with the beard and tattoos. Back in the mid-90s, he actually looked good, I thought.

    http://www.metal-rules.com/zine/images/stories/interviews/EXODUS07/slayer1992.jpg

    I’d prefer to look at his wife, though.

    • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

      I agree, this is what i would call the casual look. it doesn’t distract or take away from the music when musicians wear regular clothes, not to me anyways. That’s what was cool about Akercocke , they started out as extreme blackened death metal. They wore suits at the beginning, and they got more casual as the years went by until they were wearing jeans and what not. No cliche spikes or corspsepaint, fake blood , etc. Plus they could play a Brohemoth album backwards from memory.

      • Max

        I really should check out Akercocke properly one day. The Voices record has some good stuff on it.

  • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

    i am going another route – better days – when he looked cool, was cool, was cutting edge & relevant.

  • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

    uhhh…..sorry , wrong king *whispering under my breath* david gunn has a gun pointed at my head as i write this. He will do anything for promotion at this point.

  • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

    vince babysitting ( yea, that’s the ticket !) a couple of youngsters in japan, treating them to a $1000 (us dollars) treat at burger king.( he expects nothing in return, get your mind out of the gutter)

  • Onemig Buboy

    This is like a ThatsNotMetal rant hehe

  • BoogerFlicker

    This is a really good article. While I agree that a lot of the stuff he writes doesn’t hold a candle to Jeff’s stuff and often sounds juvenile, I gotta say that God Hates Us All was one of the albums that got me into more extreme forms of metal. There are some hard jams on there and even though the lyrics aren’t always comparable to those on albums like Seasons In the Abyss (my personal favorite), Tom’s voice made it to where all that didn’t matter to me. I think that album was the last on which Tom still sounded young (piercing screech at the beginning of “Seven Faces”? Probably won’t hear that from him on the next album). As for the albums that followed, I enjoyed Christ Illusion a good while after its release and, although World Painted Blood left me a bit disappointed at first, I grew to love it more than the album that came before it. They tried some different things on there and it was probably the best Slayer album of that decade. After Jeff’s passing, though, I wanted to believe they could continue on without him; I really did. And then I heard that song and, while it sounded like a Slayer song, it sounded tired, thrown together and sad. Call it a day, fellas; I don’t even know if I’d want to hear that shit played live at a dive bar.

  • Metaphysical Anus

    Why do people hate rings of saturn? I don’t really like their music, but I’ve missed this hate thing.

  • Jamie Hohertz

    Just so the author knows Kerry’s been tattooed by one of the best tattoo artists in the world Paul booth look him up before you bash an artist Paul’s tattooed everyone in the entertainment bussness like the undertaker ‘ Corey Taylor of slip knot ‘ Phil anselmo Paul did a bad ass album cover for mudvayne that was black light sensitive. I’m sure there’s more to this whole Lombardo feud then we know ask your self why has dave left the band more then once in the bands career

  • Óðinn

    ~~~